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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Hi y'all. Here's a worktape of a song Mackie and I are working on. It's a rough mix and the standard disclaimer applies about my chicken scratch vox, but we would greatly appreciate and take to heart any suggestions you care to offer. It's a basement studio production so anything about it can change. Thanks! New version of the song based on feedback (Thanks!). Changed lyrics and music. We recast the song as a story and opened the shades for a ray or two of hope (unfortunately the vox are what they are...some things can't be helped : ). http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9754029Revised Lyrics: Bad Street USAOn the south side of town the gangsta rap is loud Jo-Jo studies hard to make his papa proud It's another anyday night Bad Street USA Jo-Jo's mama frets behind windows with bars Big Joe is on his beat a heavy feeling's in her heart Another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise) Life's bad in the hood but Big Joe is good wears a badge all day every night kneels down, prays: (Chorus) When will it stop, where will it end Same old story again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end? Jo-Jo slaps his ears as screams fill the night three gun shots end his daddy's life Another anyday night Bad Street USA Blue lights cut the haze Sirens wail and moan No one saw nothin That shooter's long gone Another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise) Shooter in the hood shed papa's blood and his Mama sighs looks up to heaven and cries: (Chorus 2) When will it stop where will it end Same old story again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end (Over Organ Strings-Outro) Rev'rend Grady kneels looks Jo-Jo in the eye says, "Your dad brought down the kingpin just before he died heroes like your Dad will bring a better day Life's bad in this hood but Big Joe was good and the price he paid gives hope to all who pray" When will it stop? Where will it end? http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9717358When Will It Stop Where Will It EndOn the south side of town Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin' Gangster rap poets Got a whole ghetto jumpin' It's another anyday night Bad Street USA In an alley off of third Screams fill the night Shots ring out one more wasted life It's another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise) The shooter in the hood spillin innocent blood a mama cries her only son dies (Chorus) When will it stop where will it end Cain and Abel feudin Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end? Julio's mama frets Behind iron window-bars Dealers don't care about Breakin mama's heart It's another anyday night Bad Street USA Blue strobe lights pulse Sirens wail and moan No one saw nothin The shooter's long gone It's another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise / Chorus)
Last edited by Scott Philip Stewart; 10/14/10 01:35 PM.
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Great job. Gritty, inner-city ballad. The music fits the lyrics. And of course, Mackie's unique story-lyrics paint a graphic picture. Top notch.
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Hey Scott and Mackie, This is a very good song It's a great message and I love the melody as well as the lyric. Scott, you did a fabulous job! Bravo to both of you Dottie
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G'Mornin' Gents!
I've now listened 3X to it...like it better every listen! Real Good Song, Mighty Fine Lyrics! DO Take a Bow! (HOPE it might make Some Difference Out There, too..ya never know!)
As I listened, I hear a few "crammed lines" I'll sug ya on changin' a bit...(& add I'm dead-sure when ya add some Strings to the Mix it's gonna be a serious Tearjerker!)
I'm hearing "Bad Street USA" as the Title after several listens..as-penned. No Biggie...it works. (The "Ghetto Music" Opener MIGHT scare away Country Music Stations from playing it...) So I'd keep that as-SHORT as Humanly-Possible.
I'd shed "It's" after singing that line Complete in V1."THREE Shots ring out/One more wasted life" is more-descriptive & Memorable..JMO..in V2.
Rise Sugs: Shooter in the hood/ SpillS innocent blood/ A Mama Cries..Another son dies.. IT'S TOUGH...
Consider Tagging your Chorus "Bad Street USA"...It's already Overwhelmingly THERE in your Verses...
V3: JUAN's Mama frets/ Behind STEEL window bars/ Dealers CARE-LESS about/ Breakin' MOTHERS' Hearts/ Another Anyday Night/ BAD STREET..USA...
V4: Blue Strobe Lights SPIN/ Sirens wail-&-moan/ NOBODY saw-Nothin'/ NOW Shooter's Long-Gone/ Another Anyday Night/ BAD STREET..USA...
Overall, Sounds nicely-Commercial, WITH a Great Sad Message, Gents. KOS alla the SUGS & GOOD LUCK with a Powerful One!
Best Wishes & a Matched Pair of Big Guy-Hugs to Yas, Stan
Last edited by "Tampa Stan" Good; 10/04/10 02:34 PM.
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DAN--
Thanks for giving your stamp of approval--Scott is honing this one into shape--We have made several changes, behind the scenes, as you can imagine--Two heads are better than one--We still have a long way to go--all comments and SUGGS are appreciated.
Later,
Mackie
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Dottie--
Thanks for your Take--Scott did good for, as he calls it, BASEMENT RECORDING-- We'll have to wait and see what happens--Appreciate you taking the time--
Later,
Mackie
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Stan the Man--
I always pay ATTENTION when you SPEAKETH--We are considering some of your great suggestions--Soon as we agree, Scott can update the Original--
Thanks for your input--
You are the MAN--
Mackie
Last edited by Mackie H.; 10/04/10 05:26 PM.
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Can't listen right now, but I can get a feel for it through the lyric, that's always nice.
Good idea, like the read.
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Hi Scott and Mackie
What a great collab going on here.
I have listened a few times and nothing to nit on.
Stan got there first lol.
I can't wait to hear this when it's full blown.
God Bless Roy and Helen
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Caroline--
Thanks for checking--Any help is appreciated--
Later,
Mackie
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Roy and Helen--
We appreciate the feedback--Still a working proposition, with Scott making the airwaves quiver--
Thanks,
Mackie
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Roy and Helen--
We appreciate the feedback--Still a working proposition, with Scott making the airwaves quiver--
Thanks,
Mackie
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Hey Guys:
Really like this - a compelling lyric and good music to go with it.
I like your voice, Scott. Not sure the vocal approach is right for this though. Seems a little too laid back for the subject. Maybe try it again with a little more drama?
Lyrically, the only thing that bothered me was "The shooter in the hood spillin innocent blood" The word "innocent" seems a little at odds with the scene you are setting here.
Feel free to ignore, of course - just one opinion. But I think you are onto something here....
Scott
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SCOTT--
Thanks for critique--I'll get with Scott--Maybe " GANGLAND" blood-- would be a better word than INNOCENT--
Thanks for stopping by.
Mackie
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Hi Scott, Mackie,
These lyrics are great. But you know the music and melody is way to happy sounding. Have you thought about changing the chord progression and melody to be in a minor key? It may give it a more sad,dark,and concerned feel.
good start on this. g
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Hi guys!!
I really like the lyric here. Loved the opening, set the feel for the lyric... and then the music went all cheerful & Major, bouncy-bouncy.
I was ready for an inner-city Rap, man!!
Melody's fine-- Scott, your singing's fine! Just needs some minors, or grungy guitar, and LOSE the BOUNCE... yeah??
I'd like to hear a slight bit more emphasis on "BAD" Street USA - that word skims by so fast and more drawn out would let us hear it... this is a baaaaad street.
With such a brooding lyric... I wanted the music to brood and wail right along with it.
Otherwise, great song and writing guys!!
Keep up the good work!
Linda
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Hi Gentlemen ---
Great collab in the making... I like the into --- but it sets me at odds with the vocal right away....... Scott you have a great voice -- but it feels this needs a grittier approach........ wondering if you have any vocal effects in your program to test that out... your basement recording and mix sound pretty darn good to my ears. ; ) jm
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Thanks for the kind words, Scott. I'll see what I can do to add some grit to the scratch vox on the next version (say, you don't happen to know anybody with a good voice...somebody who can sound kind of like that guy who sings "Big Hat No Cattle," who might be willing to lend a helping voice, do ya? . Don't want to come off sounding too much like Kermit on this one and maybe that will address the "too happy" vibe it's giving without having to resort to a minor prog that will decommercialize it for the country market. Agree on that lyric, too, so we're on it. Again, thanks for taking the time to help us make this one better. Cheers, Scott
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Hey there, Glen.
Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts on our song. I hear what you're saying about the melody and will try out a minor prog or two and see how they work. I was sort of trying to let the music counterbalance the despair of the lyrics and give some hope (and the vocal, we all agree, doesn't set the right tone at all). Thanks for giving us some good stuff to think about.
Cheers, Scott
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Hi Linda, and thanks a bunch for sharing your thoughts on our song. That rap opening was a false start. I was using it to get into the "30 seconds can ruin a whole day" vibe and couldn't bring myself to cut it till it was beaten out of me We're thinking of the country market here and that might not play. I will definitely lose the bounce. My minor chords, such as they are, in the rise and chorus got sugar-coated by the vocal. I'm going to take a step at a time and simmer to taste till it starts to work and, hey, thanks so much for taking the time to help out with this. Not sure it'll brood enough for you at the end, but we'll see what we can do! Cheers, Scott
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Joice, Joice, Joice, did you just...use...the...g...word for my voice? Surely you jest. It's been called a lot of things, let me tell, you but never that. The main vocal effect I reach for is the off switch. I'm going to do what I can to gritty it up and will riffle through the plug-ins folder, but I'd much rather hush and let somebody else do even the scratch-y vox for it. Thanks for the too-kind words and your suggestions, Joice. Cheers, Scott
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I liked Stan's suggestions and I have to say that the melody needs to mirror the image projected by the lyric but it is good, a nice collaboration!
Tammy
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Tammy--
We appreciate your visit and Comments--Scott and I are still working on an UPDATE--Thanks for the feedback--
I have a blond POODLE named TAMMY--She's a loving DOG--
Later,
Mackie
Last edited by Mackie H.; 10/06/10 03:50 AM.
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Hey guys, finally am listening.
First take, just like Linda says...expected oen thing..grit to keep it feeling real, and got more of a bouncy, Shawn Cassidy feel. (sorry, best description I have at the moment.
Suggs...well. of course, this is a scratch so discussing the vocal is pointless. Your vocal is nice, just doesn't fit the rough feel of this lyric, imo. (but Scott, there isn't anything wrong with your voice, you're a white guy, and you sound like a white guy, lol)
Lyrically, since I was expecting a different musical style, I was making it all work, in my head. If you're going with this type of music, I'd soften the lyric and give it a more "In the Ghetto" feel.
OR
Keep the lyric, pump in some bass and a gruff vocal, less sing song and more rap (ish) but not rap, maybe hip hop is where I want to take you.
Anyway, after listening, I had an idea for another song...don't ya hate it when that happens...but I'd be glad to share when I get something typed up. (kind of a sequal, of sorts)
Alright, so mainly I'm saying the music and lyric don't seem to mesh as well as they could. But, the music is good, I just don't hear it with this lyric.
(Disclaimer.... All of the statements above are my opinion, which is wrong at least half the time. SO, if you don't agree, I do understand.)
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Hey Caroline...you made my day by likening my voice to Shaun Cassidy! I was going more for a David Cassidy feel... Thanks for coming back and giving it a listen and sharing your impressions. Might be time to split the lyrics and the music into different songs, eh? You might very well be right. I've been sort of thinking the same thing the more I listen to it. Cheers! Scott Outro: I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of...
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Nice tune, especially like some of the lyrics. Ott
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Dang, felt I was on the streets of Dallas...this is gonna be a great song once you're done with it...love the beginning...and Scott it was a pleasure to hear you sing...Scott you and Mackie did very well with this one....glyn
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Ott--
Thanks for your feedback--we're still working' on this one--
Mackie
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Hi Glynda...thanks for the encouragement and your (way-too) kind words. Not sure exactly where (if anywhere) this one's going to go from here as I'm sorting all the (various!) feedback and letting it simmer on the crackpot at the moment and trying to let the song tell me what it's really all about. This one's definitely been a learning experience and there's nothing wrong with that. Cheers! Scott
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All Right, Thie song is a total downer with nothing to look forward to or much hope in the song. Not sure anyone is looking for these type songs. Sorry for the distressing Critique. Perhaps you can work a bit of hope into the song.
Ray E. Strode
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Thanks for giving it a listen, Ray, and sharing your impressions. Urban street life is pretty much a downer without much hope that leaves me wondering where (if) it's ever going to end. I think Mackie captured that in the lyric. I do appreciate your taking the time not only to listen but to give us your thoughts on it; we factor it all it in.
All the best, Scott
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Scott and Mackie,
Quick look and I thought I wasn't going to like this one. Couldn't click it off though, pretty danged good. Personally I found the hope in the hook. At least somebody's asking "when will it stop". Lyrics hit our ears differently though I know. Not much hope in Elvis's "In the Ghetto" either.
Kevin
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All Right, Thie song is a total downer with nothing to look forward to or much hope in the song. Not sure anyone is looking for these type songs. Sorry for the distressing Critique. Perhaps you can work a bit of hope into the song. I don't think there's a problem with an individual song being a "total downer". Across a whole album or a live set, there's plenty of space to explore other emotions and inject a bit of optimism into the proceedings, so no good reason why the bleak aspects of life can't be the focus of this song. That said, the main issue I have is the tone it sets in the first verse, which basically sets up the rest to seem like a couple of white guys looking down on black communities. I accept that may not be the intention and the motivation is humanitarian but those four lines at the beginning make sure that the listener understands which type of area we're talking about, and what sort of people live there, and the rest establishes that the narrator is not part of that community himself. Throw in some recognition of the police brutality and the racial discrimination that's helped to create the social issues being described in the song, and it might seem more balanced. Short of that, though, I would like this song a whole lot better without those four lines.
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Kevin--
Thanks for your read--the ORIGINAL LYRIC WAS POSTED ON LYRIC #3 by me-- It was a more objective treatment of the POOR part of town--I grew up in an Orphanage and the South side of town--I have been there--I realize it is difficult to present a picture story in words with music, that will hit everyone the same-- so many different backgrounds and cultures--as well as age groups--I CO-WROTE the final with Scott--He added some good things and gave better flow--I believe there is still a great song in this effort, that can be worked out.
Anyway I'm posting the ORIGINAL LYRIC TO SEE WHERE IT ALL STARTED:
ORIGINAL WHEN WILL IT STOP--WHERE WILL IT END. ©2010 Mackie Humphries
V1 On the south side of town Hip-Hop music’s pumpin’ Some Gangster tunes Got the Ghetto jumpin’.
V2 There past third street Shrill screams wake the night Two loud shots ring out And another victim dies.
CH When will it stop where will it end Hoods and gangs up to no good Lots of questions with few answers Innocent bodies covered in blood When will it stop where will it end.
V3 A Mama weeps behind a car Hiding from drug heads and thugs They break hearts leaving scars As the next of kin feels crushed.
V4 Sirens echo, blue lights flash The men in blue arrive too late A shooter runs across the tracks Disappears down past the lake.
CH When will it stop where will it end Hoods and gangs up to no good Lots of questions with few answers Innocent bodies covered in blood When will it stop where will it end.
TAG When will it stop where will it end.
Mackie
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Steve--
Thanks for reading and forming an opinion--That is what this forum is all about-- The first four lines were never intended to show any prejudice and doesn't--the reader has to do that himself:
On the south side of town Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin' Gangster rap poets Got a whole ghetto jumpin' It's another anyday night Bad Street USA
In an alley off of third Screams fill the night Shots ring out one more wasted life It's another anyday night Bad Street USA
The 1st two verses give the where, when, why, and a little view of how--more objective than you are saying--Anyway you have it straight from the Original (in the post above this one) compared to the edited as in the mp3--We may have to change the tone--TONE IS SUBJECTIVE.
Later UK BRO',
Mackie
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Hi Scott & Mackie
I just love it, and the lyrics are great, I'd just like to hear the singer putting a bit more frustration, anger into singing it, hmm, I hope I'm explaining myself well enough, it needs GRIT hah, well I think, other then that, it sounds like a great works in progress, well done hey.
Hugs Michele
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MICHELE--
Scott is working on a new direction on this one--hope you'll listen when it's posted--Thanks for your visit and valuable feedback--UNTILL THEN.
Later,
Mackie
Last edited by Mackie H.; 10/08/10 08:47 PM.
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Hello Friends! Here's a new version of the song (newly titled Bad Street USA) based on feedback (Thanks!). Changed lyrics and music. We recast the song as a story and opened the shades for a ray or two of hope (unfortunately the vox are what they are till somebody else sings it...some things can't be helped : ). Hope y'all like and thanks again for all your very helpful suggestions. Scott & Mackie http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9754029Revised Lyrics: Bad Street USAOn the south side of town the gangsta rap is loud Jo-Jo studies hard to make his papa proud It's another anyday night Bad Street USA Jo-Jo's mama frets behind windows with bars Big Joe is on his beat a heavy feeling's in her heart Another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise) Life's bad in the hood but Big Joe is good wears a badge all day every night kneels down, prays: (Chorus) When will it stop, where will it end Same old story again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end? Jo-Jo slaps his ears as screams fill the night three gun shots end his daddy's life Another anyday night Bad Street USA Blue lights cut the haze Sirens wail and moan No one saw nothin That shooter's long gone Another anyday night Bad Street USA (Rise) Shooter in the hood shed papa's blood and his Mama sighs looks up to heaven and cries: (Chorus 2) When will it stop where will it end Same old story again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end (Over Organ Strings-Outro) Rev'rend Grady kneels looks Jo-Jo in the eye says, "Your dad brought down the kingpin just before he died heroes like your Dad will bring a better day Life's bad in this hood but Big Joe was good and the price he paid gives hope to all who pray" When will it stop? Where will it end?
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OK, I've listened to this new version, story is better.
Now, here's what I think...its ok to disagree with me, happens all the time...lol
I like the beginning, but it sets up for more of a bumpin beat (yeah, that's right...the white girl said bumpin beat) but the melody isn't connected, imo. SO...simple solution (even though I love the opener) drop it...the music is good with the lyric, it flows and fits, just isn't connecting for me, all together, with the opener.
Great writing guys, melody is catchy, idea is catchy.
Enjoyed it!
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Hey Scott and Mackie, I really really like this! I think the melody fits the lyric and flows great. It's sad but not hopeless and it's true!!! Scott, I'm very impressed with your performance singing and playing Mackie, You know I love your writing Dottie
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I hear so much in this I like. The gritty, street-level story. The 70ish rock and roll sound. I'd offer just a few lyrical edits that might tighten the writing up without changing the story. Feel free to ignore without offense.
Bad Street USA
On the south side of town Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin' Gangster rap poets Got a whole ghetto jumpin' It's just another night Bad Street USA
Jo-Jo's mama frets A heavy feelin' in her heart Big Joe walks his beat Searching shadows in the dark Just another night Bad Street USA
(Rise) Life's bad in the hood but Big Joe is good wears a badge all day Ev'ry night kneels down 'n prays (Chorus) When will it stop, where will it end Same old story again and again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end?
Jo-Jo doin' homework There's a scream in the night three gun shots end his daddy's life A good man dies Bad Street USA
Blue lights cut the haze Sirens wail and moan No one saw nothin The shooter's long gone Just another night Bad Street USA
(Rise) Shooter in the hood Leaves a pool of blood Another man dies Another Mama cries (Chorus 2) When will it stop where will it end Same old story again and again Brothers keep on killin When will it stop where will it end Will it ever stop, Will it ever end
(Over Organ Strings-Outro) Rev'rend Grady kneels looks Jo-Jo in the eye says, "Your dad brought down the kingpin just before he died heroes like your Dad will bring a better day
Life's bad in this hood But your daddy was good" and the price he paid gives hope to all who pray:
When will it stop? Where will it end?
Last edited by Dan Sullivan; 10/14/10 09:34 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710 |
I just reread the entire thread and noticed you changed the opening 4 lines in response to an objection they set a tone of two white guys looking down on black communities.
I don't get that at all. I see great imagery. I say keep the lines.
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