JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum When Will It Stop Where Will It End? (Coll w/MACKIE) New Version

Hi y'all. Here's a worktape of a song Mackie and I are working on. It's a rough mix and the standard disclaimer applies about my chicken scratch vox, but we would greatly appreciate and take to heart any suggestions you care to offer. It's a basement studio production so anything about it can change. Thanks!

New version of the song based on feedback (Thanks!). Changed lyrics and music. We recast the song as a story and opened the shades for a ray or two of hope (unfortunately the vox are what they are...some things can't be helped : ).

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9754029

Revised Lyrics:
Bad Street USA

On the south side of town
the gangsta rap is loud
Jo-Jo studies hard
to make his papa proud
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

Jo-Jo's mama frets
behind windows with bars
Big Joe is on his beat
a heavy feeling's in her heart
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Life's bad in the hood
but Big Joe is good
wears a badge all day
every night kneels down, prays:
(Chorus)
When will it stop, where will it end
Same old story again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end?

Jo-Jo slaps his ears
as screams fill the night
three gun shots
end his daddy's life
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

Blue lights cut the haze
Sirens wail and moan
No one saw nothin
That shooter's long gone
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Shooter in the hood
shed papa's blood
and his Mama sighs
looks up to heaven and cries:
(Chorus 2)
When will it stop where will it end
Same old story again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end

(Over Organ Strings-Outro)
Rev'rend Grady kneels
looks Jo-Jo in the eye
says, "Your dad brought down
the kingpin just before he died
heroes like your Dad
will bring a better day

Life's bad in this hood
but Big Joe was good
and the price he paid
gives hope to all who pray"

When will it stop?
Where will it end?

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9717358

When Will It Stop Where Will It End

On the south side of town
Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin'
Gangster rap poets
Got a whole ghetto jumpin'
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

In an alley off of third
Screams fill the night
Shots ring out
one more wasted life
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
The shooter in the hood
spillin innocent blood
a mama cries
her only son dies
(Chorus)
When will it stop where will it end
Cain and Abel feudin
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end?

Julio's mama frets
Behind iron window-bars
Dealers don't care about
Breakin mama's heart
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

Blue strobe lights pulse
Sirens wail and moan
No one saw nothin
The shooter's long gone
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise / Chorus)

Great job. Gritty, inner-city ballad. The music fits the lyrics. And of course, Mackie's unique story-lyrics paint a graphic picture. Top notch.

Hey Scott and Mackie,

This is a very good song It's a great message and I love the melody as well as the lyric.

Scott, you did a fabulous job!

Bravo to both of you

Dottie

G'Mornin' Gents!

I've now listened 3X to it...like it better every listen! Real Good Song, Mighty Fine Lyrics! DO Take a Bow! (HOPE it might make Some Difference Out There, too..ya never know!)

As I listened, I hear a few "crammed lines" I'll sug ya on changin' a bit...(& add I'm dead-sure when ya add some Strings to the Mix it's gonna be a serious Tearjerker!)

I'm hearing "Bad Street USA" as the Title after several listens..as-penned. No Biggie...it works. (The "Ghetto Music" Opener MIGHT scare away Country Music Stations from playing it...) So I'd keep that as-SHORT as Humanly-Possible.

I'd shed "It's" after singing that line Complete in V1."THREE Shots ring out/One more wasted life" is more-descriptive & Memorable..JMO..in V2.

Rise Sugs:
Shooter in the hood/
SpillS innocent blood/
A Mama Cries..Another son dies..
IT'S TOUGH...

Consider Tagging your Chorus "Bad Street USA"...It's already Overwhelmingly THERE in your Verses...

V3: JUAN's Mama frets/
Behind STEEL window bars/
Dealers CARE-LESS about/
Breakin' MOTHERS' Hearts/
Another Anyday Night/
BAD STREET..USA...

V4:
Blue Strobe Lights SPIN/
Sirens wail-&-moan/
NOBODY saw-Nothin'/
NOW Shooter's Long-Gone/
Another Anyday Night/
BAD STREET..USA...

Overall, Sounds nicely-Commercial, WITH a Great Sad Message, Gents. KOS alla the SUGS & GOOD LUCK with a Powerful One!

Best Wishes & a Matched Pair of Big Guy-Hugs to Yas,
Stan

DAN--

Thanks for giving your stamp of approval--Scott is honing this one into shape--We have made several changes, behind the scenes, as you can imagine--Two heads are better than one--We still have a long way to go--all comments and SUGGS are appreciated.

Later,

Mackie

Dottie--

Thanks for your Take--Scott did good for, as he calls it, BASEMENT RECORDING--
We'll have to wait and see what happens--Appreciate you taking the time--

Later,

Mackie

Stan the Man--

I always pay ATTENTION when you SPEAKETH--We are considering some of your great suggestions--Soon as we agree, Scott can update the Original--

Thanks for your input--

You are the MAN--

Mackie

Can't listen right now, but I can get a feel for it through the lyric, that's always nice.

Good idea, like the read.

Hi Scott and Mackie

What a great collab going on here.

I have listened a few times and nothing to nit on.

Stan got there first lol.

I can't wait to hear this when it's full blown.

God Bless Roy and Helen

Caroline--

Thanks for checking--Any help is appreciated--

Later,

Mackie

Roy and Helen--

We appreciate the feedback--Still a working proposition, with Scott making the airwaves quiver--

Thanks,

Mackie

Roy and Helen--

We appreciate the feedback--Still a working proposition, with Scott making the airwaves quiver--

Thanks,

Mackie

Hey Guys:

Really like this - a compelling lyric and good music to go with it.

I like your voice, Scott. Not sure the vocal approach is right for this though. Seems a little too laid back for the subject. Maybe try it again with a little more drama?

Lyrically, the only thing that bothered me was "The shooter in the hood spillin innocent blood" The word "innocent" seems a little at odds with the scene you are setting here.

Feel free to ignore, of course - just one opinion. But I think you are onto something here....

Scott

SCOTT--

Thanks for critique--I'll get with Scott--Maybe " GANGLAND" blood-- would be a better word than INNOCENT--

Thanks for stopping by.

Mackie

Hi Scott, Mackie,

These lyrics are great. But you know the music and melody is way to happy sounding. Have you thought about changing the chord progression and melody to be in a minor key? It may give it a more sad,dark,and concerned feel.

good start on this.
g

Hi guys!!

I really like the lyric here.
Loved the opening, set the feel for the lyric... and then the music went all cheerful & Major, bouncy-bouncy.

I was ready for an inner-city Rap, man!!

Melody's fine-- Scott, your singing's fine! Just needs some minors, or grungy guitar, and LOSE the BOUNCE... yeah??

I'd like to hear a slight bit more emphasis on "BAD" Street USA - that word skims by so fast and more drawn out would let us hear it... this is a baaaaad street.

With such a brooding lyric... I wanted the music to brood and wail right along with it.

Otherwise, great song and writing guys!!

Keep up the good work!

Linda

Hi Gentlemen ---

Great collab in the making... I like the into --- but it sets me at odds with the vocal right away....... Scott you have a great voice -- but it feels this needs a grittier approach........ wondering if you have any vocal effects in your program to test that out... your basement recording and mix sound pretty darn good to my ears. ; ) jm

Thanks for the kind words, Scott. I'll see what I can do to add some grit to the scratch vox on the next version (say, you don't happen to know anybody with a good voice...somebody who can sound kind of like that guy who sings "Big Hat No Cattle," who might be willing to lend a helping voice, do ya? . Don't want to come off sounding too much like Kermit on this one and maybe that will address the "too happy" vibe it's giving without having to resort to a minor prog that will decommercialize it for the country market. Agree on that lyric, too, so we're on it.

Again, thanks for taking the time to help us make this one better.
Cheers,
Scott

Hey there, Glen.

Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts on our song. I hear what you're saying about the melody and will try out a minor prog or two and see how they work. I was sort of trying to let the music counterbalance the despair of the lyrics and give some hope (and the vocal, we all agree, doesn't set the right tone at all). Thanks for giving us some good stuff to think about.

Cheers,
Scott

Hi Linda, and thanks a bunch for sharing your thoughts on our song. That rap opening was a false start. I was using it to get into the "30 seconds can ruin a whole day" vibe and couldn't bring myself to cut it till it was beaten out of me We're thinking of the country market here and that might not play. I will definitely lose the bounce. My minor chords, such as they are, in the rise and chorus got sugar-coated by the vocal. I'm going to take a step at a time and simmer to taste till it starts to work and, hey, thanks so much for taking the time to help out with this. Not sure it'll brood enough for you at the end, but we'll see what we can do!

Cheers,
Scott

Joice, Joice, Joice, did you just...use...the...g...word for my voice?


Surely you jest. It's been called a lot of things, let me tell, you but never that. The main vocal effect I reach for is the off switch. I'm going to do what I can to gritty it up and will riffle through the plug-ins folder, but I'd much rather hush and let somebody else do even the scratch-y vox for it.

Thanks for the too-kind words and your suggestions, Joice.

Cheers,
Scott

I liked Stan's suggestions and I have to say that the melody needs to mirror the image projected by the lyric but it is good, a nice collaboration!

Tammy

Tammy--

We appreciate your visit and Comments--Scott and I are still working on an UPDATE--Thanks for the feedback--

I have a blond POODLE named TAMMY--She's a loving DOG--

Later,

Mackie

Hey guys, finally am listening.

First take, just like Linda says...expected oen thing..grit to keep it feeling real, and got more of a bouncy, Shawn Cassidy feel. (sorry, best description I have at the moment.

Suggs...well. of course, this is a scratch so discussing the vocal is pointless. Your vocal is nice, just doesn't fit the rough feel of this lyric, imo. (but Scott, there isn't anything wrong with your voice, you're a white guy, and you sound like a white guy, lol)

Lyrically, since I was expecting a different musical style, I was making it all work, in my head. If you're going with this type of music, I'd soften the lyric and give it a more "In the Ghetto" feel.

OR

Keep the lyric, pump in some bass and a gruff vocal, less sing song and more rap (ish) but not rap, maybe hip hop is where I want to take you.

Anyway, after listening, I had an idea for another song...don't ya hate it when that happens...but I'd be glad to share when I get something typed up. (kind of a sequal, of sorts)

Alright, so mainly I'm saying the music and lyric don't seem to
mesh as well as they could. But, the music is good, I just don't hear it with this lyric.



(Disclaimer....
All of the statements above are my opinion, which is wrong at least half the time. SO, if you don't agree, I do understand.)

Hey Caroline...you made my day by likening my voice to Shaun Cassidy! I was going more for a David Cassidy feel... Thanks for coming back and giving it a listen and sharing your impressions. Might be time to split the lyrics and the music into different songs, eh? You might very well be right. I've been sort of thinking the same thing the more I listen to it.

Cheers!
Scott

Outro: I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of...

Nice tune, especially like some of the lyrics.
Ott

Dang, felt I was on the streets of Dallas...this is gonna be a great song once you're done with it...love the beginning...and Scott it was a pleasure to hear you sing...Scott you and Mackie did very well with this one....glyn

Ott--

Thanks for your feedback--we're still working' on this one--

Mackie

Hi Glynda...thanks for the encouragement and your (way-too) kind words. Not sure exactly where (if anywhere) this one's going to go from here as I'm sorting all the (various!) feedback and letting it simmer on the crackpot at the moment and trying to let the song tell me what it's really all about. This one's definitely been a learning experience and there's nothing wrong with that.

Cheers!
Scott

All Right,
Thie song is a total downer with nothing to look forward to or much hope in the song. Not sure anyone is looking for these type songs. Sorry for the distressing Critique. Perhaps you can work a bit of hope into the song.

Thanks for giving it a listen, Ray, and sharing your impressions. Urban street life is pretty much a downer without much hope that leaves me wondering where (if) it's ever going to end. I think Mackie captured that in the lyric. I do appreciate your taking the time not only to listen but to give us your thoughts on it; we factor it all it in.

All the best,
Scott

Scott and Mackie,

Quick look and I thought I wasn't going to like this one. Couldn't click it off though, pretty danged good. Personally I found the hope in the hook. At least somebody's asking "when will it stop". Lyrics hit our ears differently though I know. Not much hope in Elvis's "In the Ghetto" either.

Kevin

I don't think there's a problem with an individual song being a "total downer". Across a whole album or a live set, there's plenty of space to explore other emotions and inject a bit of optimism into the proceedings, so no good reason why the bleak aspects of life can't be the focus of this song.

That said, the main issue I have is the tone it sets in the first verse, which basically sets up the rest to seem like a couple of white guys looking down on black communities.

I accept that may not be the intention and the motivation is humanitarian but those four lines at the beginning make sure that the listener understands which type of area we're talking about, and what sort of people live there, and the rest establishes that the narrator is not part of that community himself.

Throw in some recognition of the police brutality and the racial discrimination that's helped to create the social issues being described in the song, and it might seem more balanced.

Short of that, though, I would like this song a whole lot better without those four lines.

Kevin--

Thanks for your read--the ORIGINAL LYRIC WAS POSTED ON LYRIC #3 by me--
It was a more objective treatment of the POOR part of town--I grew up in an
Orphanage and the South side of town--I have been there--I realize it is difficult
to present a picture story in words with music, that will hit everyone the same--
so many different backgrounds and cultures--as well as age groups--I CO-WROTE the final with Scott--He added some good things and gave better flow--I
believe there is still a great song in this effort, that can be worked out.

Anyway I'm posting the ORIGINAL LYRIC TO SEE WHERE IT ALL STARTED:

ORIGINAL
WHEN WILL IT STOP--WHERE WILL IT END.
©2010 Mackie Humphries

V1
On the south side of town
Hip-Hop music’s pumpin’
Some Gangster tunes
Got the Ghetto jumpin’.

V2
There past third street
Shrill screams wake the night
Two loud shots ring out
And another victim dies.

CH
When will it stop where will it end
Hoods and gangs up to no good
Lots of questions with few answers
Innocent bodies covered in blood
When will it stop where will it end.

V3
A Mama weeps behind a car
Hiding from drug heads and thugs
They break hearts leaving scars
As the next of kin feels crushed.

V4
Sirens echo, blue lights flash
The men in blue arrive too late
A shooter runs across the tracks
Disappears down past the lake.

CH
When will it stop where will it end
Hoods and gangs up to no good
Lots of questions with few answers
Innocent bodies covered in blood
When will it stop where will it end.

TAG
When will it stop where will it end.

Mackie

Steve--

Thanks for reading and forming an opinion--That is what this forum is all about--
The first four lines were never intended to show any prejudice and doesn't--the reader has to do that himself:

On the south side of town
Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin'
Gangster rap poets
Got a whole ghetto jumpin'
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

In an alley off of third
Screams fill the night
Shots ring out
one more wasted life
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

The 1st two verses give the where, when, why, and a little view of how--more objective than you are saying--Anyway you have it straight from the Original (in the post above this one) compared to the edited as in the mp3--We may have to change the tone--TONE IS SUBJECTIVE.

Later UK BRO',

Mackie

Hi Scott & Mackie

I just love it, and the lyrics are great, I'd just like to hear the singer putting a bit more frustration, anger into singing it, hmm, I hope I'm explaining myself well enough, it needs GRIT hah, well I think, other then that, it sounds like a great works in progress, well done hey.

Hugs Michele

MICHELE--

Scott is working on a new direction on this one--hope you'll listen when it's posted--Thanks for your visit and valuable feedback--UNTILL THEN.

Later,

Mackie

Hello Friends!

Here's a new version of the song (newly titled Bad Street USA) based on feedback (Thanks!). Changed lyrics and music. We recast the song as a story and opened the shades for a ray or two of hope (unfortunately the vox are what they are till somebody else sings it...some things can't be helped : ). Hope y'all like and thanks again for all your very helpful suggestions.

Scott & Mackie

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1084338&songID=9754029

Revised Lyrics:
Bad Street USA

On the south side of town
the gangsta rap is loud
Jo-Jo studies hard
to make his papa proud
It's another anyday night
Bad Street USA

Jo-Jo's mama frets
behind windows with bars
Big Joe is on his beat
a heavy feeling's in her heart
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Life's bad in the hood
but Big Joe is good
wears a badge all day
every night kneels down, prays:
(Chorus)
When will it stop, where will it end
Same old story again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end?

Jo-Jo slaps his ears
as screams fill the night
three gun shots
end his daddy's life
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

Blue lights cut the haze
Sirens wail and moan
No one saw nothin
That shooter's long gone
Another anyday night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Shooter in the hood
shed papa's blood
and his Mama sighs
looks up to heaven and cries:
(Chorus 2)
When will it stop where will it end
Same old story again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end

(Over Organ Strings-Outro)
Rev'rend Grady kneels
looks Jo-Jo in the eye
says, "Your dad brought down
the kingpin just before he died
heroes like your Dad
will bring a better day

Life's bad in this hood
but Big Joe was good
and the price he paid
gives hope to all who pray"

When will it stop?
Where will it end?

OK, I've listened to this new version, story is better.

Now, here's what I think...its ok to disagree with me, happens all the time...lol

I like the beginning, but it sets up for more of a bumpin beat (yeah, that's right...the white girl said bumpin beat) but the melody isn't connected, imo. SO...simple solution (even though I love the opener) drop it...the music is good with the lyric, it flows and fits, just isn't connecting for me, all together, with the opener.

Great writing guys, melody is catchy, idea is catchy.

Enjoyed it!

Hey Scott and Mackie,

I really really like this! I think the melody fits the lyric and flows great. It's sad but not hopeless and it's true!!!

Scott,

I'm very impressed with your performance singing and playing


Mackie,

You know I love your writing

Dottie

I hear so much in this I like. The gritty, street-level story. The 70ish rock and roll sound. I'd offer just a few lyrical edits that might tighten the writing up without changing the story. Feel free to ignore without offense.

Bad Street USA

On the south side of town
Hip-Hop tunes are pumpin'
Gangster rap poets
Got a whole ghetto jumpin'
It's just another night
Bad Street USA

Jo-Jo's mama frets
A heavy feelin' in her heart
Big Joe walks his beat
Searching shadows in the dark
Just another night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Life's bad in the hood
but Big Joe is good
wears a badge all day
Ev'ry night kneels down 'n prays
(Chorus)
When will it stop, where will it end
Same old story again and again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end?

Jo-Jo doin' homework
There's a scream in the night
three gun shots
end his daddy's life
A good man dies
Bad Street USA

Blue lights cut the haze
Sirens wail and moan
No one saw nothin
The shooter's long gone
Just another night
Bad Street USA

(Rise)
Shooter in the hood
Leaves a pool of blood
Another man dies
Another Mama cries
(Chorus 2)
When will it stop where will it end
Same old story again and again
Brothers keep on killin
When will it stop where will it end
Will it ever stop,
Will it ever end

(Over Organ Strings-Outro)
Rev'rend Grady kneels
looks Jo-Jo in the eye
says, "Your dad brought down
the kingpin just before he died
heroes like your Dad
will bring a better day

Life's bad in this hood
But your daddy was good"
and the price he paid
gives hope to all who pray:

When will it stop?
Where will it end?

I just reread the entire thread and noticed you changed the opening 4 lines in response to an objection they set a tone of two white guys looking down on black communities.

I don't get that at all. I see great imagery. I say keep the lines.