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#844285 - 09/15/10 11:07 PM Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) *REWRITE*  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 288
Heather N. Orwig Offline
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Heather N. Orwig  Offline
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Posts: 288
Pennsylvania
Hey all - here's a new one from Jan and I. Please take a look and let us know what we did right/wrong! Thanks smile

EDITED 9/27/2010 - Thanks everyone for the feedback!


Hold © 2010 Heather Orwig/Janice Hopkins

Suitcase sittin’ by the bus stop stand
One way ticket in your hand
You called me like you always did
Ever since we both were kids

You say, leavin’ is the way to start
To heal your broken, tortured heart
You can’t seem to say goodbye
Truth is….neither can I

Lift:
When the bus pulls in, don't walk away
Let me hold you here…. I'm your reason to stay

Chorus:
I wanna be your shelter
When your clouds are filled with rain
Baby, I just can’t help it
When I feel all your pain
It’s a miracle what love can do
I'm thinking you could love me too
Stay and let me Hold you

Verse 3: (***EDITED 9/27/2010***)

You're a man who's nearly crashed and burned
JUST HOLD ON, THE TIDE'S ABOUT TO TURN
WAKE UP BABY CAN'T YOU SEE
THERE'S A REASON YOU CALLED ME


Lift:
The storms will come, ‘cause they always do
Let me be the one that you’re running to…..

Chorus 2:
‘Cause I can be your shelter
When your clouds are filled with rain
Baby, I just can’t help it
When I feel all your pain
It’s a miracle what love can do
I'm thinking you could love me too
Stay and let me Hold you

Bridge:
Sometimes all we need is right in front of us
Oh….Here comes that bus….now baby…hold on….hold on…..hold on……..

Repeat Chorus 2

Outro: I….wanna….be….your…..shelter…..hold on…………….

Last edited by Heather N. Orwig; 09/27/10 02:52 PM.

"Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." - Robert Kennedy

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante
#844292 - 09/15/10 11:18 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Heather N. Orwig]  
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Dottie Offline
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Dottie  Offline
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Hi Heather,

I think it's very good! I also think the 1st 2 verses are better and flow better then the 3rd verse. Actually it seemed fawless up to the 3rd verse.

I reread the 3rd verse and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's just not as strong as the first two.

Again, I think it's very good I'm just being honest smile

Last edited by Dottie; 09/15/10 11:18 PM.
#844299 - 09/15/10 11:41 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Heather N. Orwig]  
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Greg C. Brown Offline
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Greg C. Brown  Offline
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Suffolk, Virginia, USA
Hey, ladies, not too shabby! I rather like this one. I think I agree with Dottie, though, that the 3rd verse is not quite as strong as the first two.

But it's only the LAST and PAST lines that are the problem for me. The first two are great! Maybe you can beef that verse up some by saying something like:

You're a man who's nearly crashed and burned
But she’s a lesson you had to learn
CAN YOU LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND?
THAT'S THE TRUTH YOU NEED TO FIND

I see nothing else to nit. Great lyric!

Greg


If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
#844653 - 09/17/10 11:32 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Greg C. Brown]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Dottie,

Thanks so much for stopping by. We really appreciate your very helpful comments r.e. verse 3....we thought that we might hear that. We will definitely be tightening that up in a re-write.

We both appreciate that so much... It really helps to know how it hits people when they read it.

Thanks from us both,

Jan and Heather

#844681 - 09/17/10 12:51 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Heather N. Orwig]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Gals!
I'd sug New Hook & Extendin' that Last Chorus Line:

"Stay & Let Me Hold You...A LITTLE LONGER"

"AS you leave her in the past/
WE CAN find something..meant to last"

Good Luck with a Good'n' Gals, KOS alla my Sugs,
& Best Wizhes/Big Hugs/"Happy Weekend" a whole Day-Early TOO!
Stan

#844707 - 09/17/10 01:43 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: "Tampa Stan" Good (D)]  
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carolyn t white Offline
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carolyn t white  Offline
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Tennessee, USA
Hey girls,

Love where you're taking this! Maybe something like this would work:

Verse 3:

You're a man who's nearly crashed and burned
But she’s a lesson you had to learn
Can you leave her in the past
AN' GIVE OUR NEW LOVE A CHANCE

Or,
SO WE'LL HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE
Or,
AND START THIS FRESH ROMANCE

Just throwing a few suggestions your way...KOS...best of luck, this is a goodie, should sound great once it's set to music! Hugs, Carolyn


Carolyn
#844727 - 09/17/10 03:18 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: carolyn t white]  
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Roderic Offline
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Roderic  Offline
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Texas
Ladies,

Very well thought out. I liked where you were going, but, like the rest, the 3rd vs got me. I know it's a work in progress and I look forward to seeing it again in the future. Thanks,

Rod


Wisdom is not in words; wisdom is the meaning in words
#844806 - 09/17/10 09:17 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Roderic]  
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Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Louisiana
lift #2 "storms will come",yes but you can add that "storms never last".Was this girl the reason he's leaving or the girl who can comfort him if he stays?

#845456 - 09/20/10 11:16 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Greg....thanks so much...I am seeing that the third doesn't quite measure up to the rest, but you have given us a great alternative...as usual. Thanks so much for that.

Three heads are sometimes better than two...we appreciate it!

Jan

#845457 - 09/20/10 11:19 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Thank you, Stan....we always consider what you say, because you always tend to know what you're talkin' about.....especially about clocks and Le Femme...HA. We do thank you for taking the time for this new one of ours.

Mich Sis and friend...

#845459 - 09/20/10 11:24 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Thanks for the suggestions, Carolyn. We really appreciate that and are so glad that you think that it could work...in the end.

TTYS

Jan

#845490 - 09/20/10 02:10 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Scott Philip Stewart Offline
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Scott Philip Stewart  Offline
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Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Hi there, Heather and Janice. Fine country lyric here. I'll join the chorus in saying that verse 3 just didn't pack the same punch as the first two. Seemed to move to the impersonal and I didn't really have a hook to hang the "you're a man who nearly crashed and burned" hat on. My sorry take on it:

So before you make that final turn
aint she a lesson you should have learned
Can't you leave her in the past
Wasn't our love meant to last

This will be a very good one and I look forward to hearing it set to music.

Cheers,
Scott




Scott Philip Stewart
Writer, novelist, editor
anybody want to collborate? just PM or email me...
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#845534 - 09/20/10 06:47 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Scott Philip Stewart]  
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Mackie H. Offline
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Mackie H.  Offline
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NASHVILLE, TN
Girls--

You all pretty much have a way out of the V3 maze--

JMHO--If I had written this: It would be me at the bus Stop "I" 1st person--
Then "You"--Just the two of us--My cheating, affair or excursions are not a pronoun--Lessens the confusion factor--Just my Tennessee way of Thinking out LOUD.

Write on GIRLS--

Mackie

#845922 - 09/22/10 09:56 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Mackie H.]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Rod....thanks for stopping by....yes, always a work in progress. We thank you, as we do the others, for pointing out the issues with that third verse. We will be working on that, first chance we get.

Jan

#845924 - 09/22/10 09:57 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
rockin-m.....Hey, all good points to think about and we appreciate that you took the time to read this one for us and offer some well appreciated insight. We will be hitting it again...thanks.

Jan

#846047 - 09/22/10 07:13 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Thanks Scott....we appreciate that you gave this your time and some fine suggestions for the upcoming re-write. I am working on the melody for this one.

Hope you'll come back when it is all put together.

Jan

#846158 - 09/23/10 09:45 AM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Mackie....thanks so much for your always well thought out suggestions....we will definitely be factoring them in at the re-write table. You have given us something to think about and we appreciate that.

Jan and Heather

#846976 - 09/27/10 02:55 PM Re: Hold (Co-Write Orwig/Hopkins) [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Heather N. Orwig Offline
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Heather N. Orwig  Offline
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Pennsylvania
Bumping this back to the top. We made changes to verse 3, as many of you suggested. Please let us know if this works any better. Thanks again for taking the time - we value your feedback smile

Heather


"Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." - Robert Kennedy

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante

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