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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:34 PM
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 433
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OP
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Every year I get a Fathers Day Card or call from my adult children. Being a single parent, this thrills me to no end. This is only a rough draft, but I wanted to see if I get any
feedback from you guys. The structure will make sense when the music is finished.
The Card
V1
It wasn't her birthday or anniversary
She must have been surprised to get a card from me
The message was out of season,
but I had a thousand good reasons
To say...............
Chorus
Happy Fathers Day Mamma Sometimes I'm just amazed
How strong you were back in my childhood days
How you never thought twice about your sacrafice
That's one reason I say....... Happy Fathers Day
Bridge
There was a lot of love in our single parent home
Cause I always had you to lean upon
You made it look easy but now that I'm older
I realize the strentgh in one pair of shoulders
V2
Our clothes always had those designer tags
While yours came home in a goodwill bag
You always had time for us in your day
Just another reason for me to say
Repeat Chorus
v3
I have a good friend with a dad like you
Who carried the load that was meant for two
Guess he'll get a card out of season
With a good reason to say.....Happy Mothers Day ...Dad
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
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Hi Janet
I like the sentiment and it's a great story, but I think it needs
Tightening up,
Joe
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,706
Helping Hand
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Helping Hand
Joined: Oct 2009
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Howdy Janet, unique concept but very universal. Nice treatment with nothing seeming forced, nice twist at the end too....Gus
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Posts: 3,710
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Janet, I believe you may be on to something here. There's a great hook for your song in there. Keep working on it.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
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Hey Janet, this is great, love it..can't wait to hear it with music and vocals...glyn
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
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HiDee Mz Janet!
This is a JEWEL of a Lyric & definitely an Angle I wish I'D thought up..'cuz it's Instantly GREAT!
Onliest Sug I got for ya is re-title it "Happy Father's Day Mom" (or Mamma)...
"KUDOS" to ya for this one, & a Major League Hug to You & Your VERY Thoughtful Kids, too. (You Obviously Raised-'Em Right!)
Good Luck with this Excellent Bit of Writin'!
Best Wishes, & an Extra Hug or Two, too,
Stan
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 433
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OP
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JoeWatt....Thanks for your comment. It could use some work
Gus.....You're the best. Thanks so much.
Dan.......For you to take the time to comment really fuels the flame. Thank you so much.
Glyn.....Well my day is made cause of your comment. I respect your comment as I do all of your work. Thank you so much!
Stan.....To get your approval makes me think that this one could have potential. It's the most personal thing that I've put up.
As you know, the best songs come from experience and observation. My kids are great people, and I did my best to raise them to be that way. Believe me, every single Mom and Dad knows that it's so hard and you never really know what the outcome will be. I am very lucky.
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Janet,
I agree this is a refreshing angle and well written. I look forward to hearing it.
I only have 2 nits. 1 Of them may not matter. Childhood days doesn't sound like something I'd ever hear someone say in conversation.
The other thing is addressing dad in verse 3 takes the focus off mom so I'd leave dad out.
Marvelous idea. Don't forget to thank the kids for the hook.
Have fun,
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Joined: Aug 2009
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Thanks John.........Had to give a nod to the single Dads. Will
work on another way to get it in there.
Janet
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Every year I get a Fathers Day Card or call from my adult children. Being a single parent, this thrills me to no end. This is only a rough draft, but I wanted to see if I get any feedback from you guys. The structure will make sense when the music is finished. The Card V1 It wasn't YOUR her birthday or anniversary She YOU must have been surprised to get a card from me The message was CLEARLY out of season, but I had a thousand good reasons To say...............( I think you may want to say you instead of she as in the chorus the singer is singing to his/her mom, not about someone else..right?  Chorus Happy Fathers Day Mamma Sometimes I'm just amazed How strong you were back in my childhood days How you never thought twice about your sacrafice That's one reason I say....... Happy Fathers Day-- Maybe bring that hook at the end of the chorus, as a build up.... for example... Mama, Sometimes I'm amazed...how strong you were in my childhood days, you never thought twice about your sacrifice, you were my mama, my daddy, my life... that's why I give you this card today ..to say Happy Fathers day...Bridge There was a lot of love in our single parent home-- maybe there is a more conversation way to say this...like what happened to daddy, though daddy chose to not be there, we had love? or though daddy wasnt there, we had a good home, because to me, saying our single parent home doesn't sound like a conversational it sounds more clinical like a newspaper article would say, he was from a single parent home..I think a son or daughter saying to to their mom would be more personal, jmho:) Cause I always had you to lean upon You made it look easy but now that I'm older I realize the strentgh in one pair of shoulders V2 Our clothes always had those designer tags While yours came home in a goodwill bag You always had time for us in your day Just another reason for me to say Repeat Chorus v3 I have a good friend with a dad like you Who carried the load that was meant for two Guess he'll You'll get a card out of season With a good reason to say.....Happy Mothers Day ...Dad (this verse kinda repeats the first. the out of season. I think you need to really tug at the heart...show us what that mom did for ya..besides tags...did she teach you things you thought only a man could teach ya??
Last edited by Kimberlyinnc; 08/14/10 02:02 PM.
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Joined: Apr 2009
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You had to have been in splendid isolation somewhere away from the kids when you penned this, I would think. But it describes very vividly the concept of single parenthood, where one parent had to play the role of both. I bet a friend I know who did raise four kids by herself after her husband got sick and soon died could relate to this one well.
Peace,
Brian
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Posts: 433
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Hey Kim.....Happy that you took the time to comment. I welcome comments from you, anytime. Yep...you are right about HER being
YOU. It went straight from my brain to the keyboard, and that's
something that never happens. It needs a lot of tweaking, but
I think it will be very commercial. Thanks for the comment.
Brian......Thank you for the comments. I hope when it's finished that you will share it with your friend. Thanks,
again.
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