JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST= SEE FORUM 3

Howdy folks. This is from one of my adventures down to Sunset Blvd in Hollywood, back when I was 19 or 20, trying to get into
the Whiskey a Go Go. It was quite a culture shock for a small
town boy.
Many thanks to all for their input, which has givin' me just
what I needed to improve this little story song....Gus
...............................................................
SORRY FOLKS, THE MUSICATION FOR THIS LYRIC IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE
SPIRITS OF CITY NIGHTS :
(working title) = trying to decide between: cityzens: denizens : creatures: spirits: people: or any suggestions
Copyright©: 2010: Steven August Rieck

Scoping out, the back door
Seems no guard , to card me there
Each time, it swings open
Killer tunes , fill smoggy air

Glance, through grimy windows
Got an itch, to get inside
Bouncer yanks my shoulder
Growlin’ “hey kid, take a ride”

CHORUS
Spirits of, city nights
Gone like, vapor every day
Act, allergic to sun light?
Fading shadows,to shades of gray

I try my chance, on the Coral Club
Just a quick walk, down the block
Constant noise assaults the dark
Blaring horns, & endless talk

Old crusty, begs a cigarette
I turn away , and wave him off
Hookers sell seductions
Passion sex and fun

REPEAT CHORUS

Tattooed thugs in tank tops
Talk smack, as I’m cruising by
They bust a gut, when I run
It’s clear exactly why

Black barker, who fronts the strip club
Slips me a coupon, as I’m drifting by
Howling “Thirty naked girls”
Gestures, for me to step inside

Pumping up my bravado
I straight arm the door head on
Act casual, like I’m plenty old
Pray that, it's my lucky one

Muscle head , there to collect
Flashes me, a toothless grin
I break out, my fake ID
He takes my dough, and waves me in

REPEAT CHORUS

Original version.........................................
.........................................................
V1
He sneaks round to the back door
Damn the bouncers there
Sounds of talk & laughter
Music fills the air
V2
He peers in thru the window
Like to be inside
The Bouncer grabs his shoulder
Says,"hey kid, take a ride"
V3
Boy goes to try the Coral Club
It's only down the block
Hears a buzzin' in the night time
Happy people talk
LIFT
A bum begs for a quarter
Boy turns and shines him on
The hookers make suggestions
Of passion till the dawn
CHORUS
People of the night
So different from the day
Hidden from the light
Boy, don't get in their way
V4
Group of thugs in leather coats
Jeer as he walks by
They laugh as he picks up his pace
They know exactly why
LIFT
The barker at the strip club
Don't pay him no mind
"Girls naked girls", he howls
"One of every kind"
CHORUS

V5
He pumps up his bravado
Hits the door head on
Tries to look as old as he can
Hopes this is the one
BRIDGE
Old fart who's there, to check IDs
He looks up as he grins
Unless you got your license kid
You ain't gettin' in
CHORUS

Hey Steve, I enjoyed the listen and I think it has a very nice classic rockin feeling, but I have a hard time believing that I would hear it on a radio station as a new song. There are a few classic rock stations that play lots of stuff similar to this. It could certainly pass for one of theres.

I really like the lyrics alot, very well written..and the music and Stevie's singing is right on...and yes it does sound like a classic rock song to me....glyn

Are you Steven or Gus? or Both?
Is that a 12 string Ric? Sound really good.
I have done the same thing at the same age and been equally intimidated by Los Angeles. Being a small town boy from Oxnard. At least you are from Santa Barbara. That was a big city to me. I remember more intrepid friends going to concerts at Earl Warren Showgrounds. That was big time. The Doors and the Stones when they were both dangerously subversive, scary bands.

Anyway man sorry to go on and on but your song fired me up. You have a great voice. Like pro actually. A lot of personality to it.

Really enjoyed this well done. You obviously did spend a lot of time on it. It shows.
Tom

Love the sound you get out of that guitar, Stevie. Very descriptive tight lyrics, Steven. A great match. My kind of music.

Rick

Howdy Bater, Thanks for stopping by and giving us a spin, & glad it
was a good listen too. We'll take fitting in on a classic rock station any day.........Yay... Stevie has a retro sound that I
think is hard to beat...........Thanks again...........Gus

Thats ok liked the chord riff during the chorus.

Howdy JPF, Gus here. This is my 1st solo lyric to come to fruition.
That was only possible due to all the help, guidance, suggestions,
and other assistance from all my great friends here on these boards.
I didn't want to hog the boards trying to thank everyone who
helped me on FORUM3 individually, so I'll try to do it justice
here. Some of these fine folks made multiple stop overs at various
stages along the way.....THANK YOU....THANK YOU

Mackie
Diane
Big Tampa
Beth
Homer(Roy)
Kitty
Sister G(Glynda)
Polly
Calvin
Drifter
Colin
Puddle
Dottie
Yani
..........Oh, and of course, my Brudda Bubba Gu


.............THANKS AGAIN..................Gus

Howdy Tom, Thanks so much for stopping over, & putting your ear to
this. I actually grew up in the country between Lompoc & Buellton
so I was totally blown away by what I saw. Funny you should mention
Earl Warren, cuz my 1st two concerts ever, were there. Zepplin &
Tull together, then Blind Faith shortly there after......
Those were the days, huh?.......tickets were round $5
Good to run into a former neighbor, where are you hanging out these days?.............Thanks again Gus

Hi Gusmainia...

I'mmmmm backkkk.

I really enjoyed listening to this final song.

One to be very proud of and Stevie has done you proud.

I will listen to again and again.

God Bless Roy and Helen

Thanks Bater. Yeah, I'm afraid I'm too much of a musical fossil to get any airplay these days but glad you enjoyed your listen.

Stevie B.

Great job on this guys! Great story and the music reminded me of the Hollies/ Byrds. I really enjoyed it!

Todd

Thanks Glyn. Glad you liked it.

Stevie

Howdy Rick, Gus here. We appreciate you taking the time to listen,
& let us know how it hit you... Stevie sure does a great job with
that Rik'. Glad you liked the story too.
..................Thanks again.................Gus

Hi Gus, Stevie-b, cool vibe here--struck me as some mix of the Byrds and REM (not a bad combo) with Jim Morrison on vox? Love the jangly RIC sound that gives the rhythm that shimmer. Who knows what they'll play on rock stations nowadays? Get a radio-ready demo and bill late 60s golden era r'n'r as new wave. Might just work. Anyway, I love the tune and will listen again for sure.

Cheers,
Scott

Gus,

Given what you've said and what you're asking for, I'd agree that the lyrics have been beaten death. Personally, they don't have a fereshness to them that grabs me as a listener. There are fragments that interest me but it's not cohesive enough. Additonally, the rhyming is very basic and elementary. walk/talk, gone/on, it's just not engaging enough! I think of Mainstreet by Bob Segar, now that's an engaging, almost cinematic experience that draws you in and keeps you there and to use today's hot catch phrase, "it's very conversastional"! It's rich in it's decription and more importantly, its storytelling. And surprisingly, it's not that long, although it says a lot with very few words. I understand you'd rather not revisit the lyrics but they are what's driving this type of a song and from my pespective, it's just not strong enough yet.

I love the singers voice by the way! But the melody is very robotic and by the end way to predictable and mundane. In my opinion, it's not accentuating the storytelling which in and of itself is suspect.

So to answer your question, would I listen to this on the radio and/or buy it if it were on a Cd? No! And I mean no disrespect by that but it's simply not grabbing my attention on a variety of fronts. I think of the last 3 songs and /or Cd's that I bought and each one was due to hearing 1 song that drew me in. Gillian Welch's "Miss Ohio", Blitzen Trappers "Furr" and Solomon Burkes "Diamonds on your Mind", which was written by Tom Waits. All of these are great songs both lyrically and musically and I ran out and bought them instantly. Another one that did that for me a few years back was Jason Michael Carroll's"Alyssa Lies". Another great storytelling lyric. Of the four, Gillian Welch's song is by far the most simplistic both in terms of lyrical content and musical accompaniments but it's very effective and has a few great lines! Along those lines, what are the great lines in your lyric? The one's you can't wait to tell your friends! Are they cleverly crafted? Are they funny? What and where are they and how do they impact the story your trying to tell? Believe me, I'm not trying to be too harshd on you or overly critical but you asked a pretty loaded question and I'm trying to be as honest and straightforward as I can. Obviously this isn't the type of response you've been getting so you'll either have to get more feedback, ask more specific questions or decypher what's credible and what's not. From my vantage point, to simply say, "yeah I love it and I'd buy it" would be doing you and your collaborative partner a disservive. Remember, this is just my opinion and you can do with it as you wish. Personally, I think it needs to be far stronger to warrant putting it on a CD! If you're serious about pursuing that route, I'd invest in a professional critique first. There are many lyricist and/or songwriters who'll critique your song for a fee and it might be worth it to you if you have bigger plans. Just a thought! I know Pamela Oland critques lyrics and songs for $60.00. Not a bad investment if you want to hear from someone who works within the industry and has had songs cut by major artists.

Good luck with this one.

Billy

Howdy Billy, and Thank you for such an honest and accurate review.
It's very refreshing to get the straight poop from a new
acquaintance........YAY !!! I can see right away that we can both
help each other a bunch. I look forward to that.
I agree whole heartedly that this don't hold a candle to
anything Bob has ever released,...[I can only dream huh?]
Since this is my 3rd lyric ever, composed on the 3rd day of
my 1st week of lyric writing back in 1984, just to not be told
that it is pure junk = good to me. This is just the raw me, no
training at all. I didn't know a verse from a chorus.
We have no aspirations as to cutting this, just asking if folks think they might enjoy this if the heard it, or if it would
seem so amatuer[sp] as to stick out like a sore thumb, ya know?

Thanks again, & look forward to any input on my future stuff.
.........................Yak soon Gus

Hey Gus,

For your 3rd lyric, it's pretty impressive and I hear you with the crafting, structuring and formating of a song. I'm new to all of this myself. Been writing for 3 years and still learning every day.

It's refreshing to hear your response. It's difficult to be straightforward with someone and even more frustrating when people become defensive and combative. Like I said, these are just my opinions but it's nice to know that you were receptive to them. I, like you, respect this type of interchange.

Good luck with your songwriting endeavors.

Billy

Hi Stevie

Seems like a bad attitude ; D -- dunno - good music is GooD music and you certainly have the abilities and skills... getting radio airplay is quite the challenge -- but to be honest - if you KNOW someone who likes what you do you can still get that air time.

This is a nice effort by both of you - perhaps making you stretch a bit - but don't be afraid to do that and keep bringing forward what you learn. I would agree with Billy that this really would be helped with a few stunning memorable lines.. The feel is retro musically and for this mix - I'd take the steady hit hat hit down a bit.

Carry on and keep writing ! jm

Hi guys !

Good teamwork on it all.
Love that guitar sound and good singing too

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Thanks for giving it a spin Tom. Yeah that's a 12 string Ric...
360/12.

Stevie B.

Howdy Puddle, Thanks for the drive by,& the spin............Gus

Hey Gus & Stevie! Nice effort! It brings to my mind a David Bowie type tune and lyric. That's not a negative either BTW. Who can argue with 'This is major Tom to ground control'? I look forward to any future efforts you do together. It'll click for you guys!

-Dave

Hey Steve, I've been writing songs for a little over a year now and at the beginning it was like pulling teeth for me to change a song that I managed to complete.
I'm now in the process of rearranging some songs so I can try playing them at Open Mics, just me and a Guitar and now I find myself changing thing all the time. Be it a word or a whole sentence. The more I sing it the more ideas come to mind.
I love the story in your song and I believe we should always be willing to make chances to our babies but with the sole intent of making the story more defined and entertaining to the listener.
For instance I think the message you're getting across in the second half of the bridge, is that The kid makes it all the way to the door only to run into another road block.
Below I'm showing an example of how you can change the actual words if you choose to as long as the message remains clear to the listener. The road block

The bouncer at the door, mean and tough,
Flashes a toothless grin.
says if you can't prove you're old enough,
Then you ain't gettin in.

Change isn't bad as long as the message remains.

By the way I think it's one hell of a funny story and you should revisit it every once and a while.

I mean no disrespect by anything and I tend to ramble on a bit at times, so forgive please me.

-Nelson

Howdy again Homer, you are a glutton for punishment, coming back for seconds, but we sure appreciate it....Thanks Again...Gus

Post deleted by Steven August Rieck

How about something kind of theatrical - it lends itself to the 'voyeur' nature of the Narrator


F E A T U R E S OF CITY NIGHT

Features of city night
Gone like vapor every day
Are they allergic to sun light?
Fad-ING shadows , to shades of gray

SORRY FOLKS, THE MUSICATION FOR THIS LYRIC IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE
SPIRITS OF CITY NIGHTS :
(working title) = trying to decide between: cityzens: denizens : creatures: spirits: people: or any suggestions
Copyright©: 2010: Steven August Rieck

Scoping out, the back door
Seems no guard , to card me there
Each time, it swings open
Killer tunes , fill smoggy air

Glance, through grimy windows
Got an itch, to get inside
Bouncer yanks my shoulder
Growlin’ “hey kid, take a ride”

CHORUS
Spirits of, city nights
Gone like, vapor every day
Are they, allergic to sun light?
Fading shadows,to shades of gray

I try my chance, on the Coral Club
Just a quick walk, down the block
Constant noise assaults the dark
Blaring horns, & endless talk

Old crusty, begs a cigarette
I turn away , and wave him off
Hookers sell seductions
Passion sex and fun

REPEAT CHORUS

Tattooed thugs in tank tops
Talk smack, as I’m cruising by
They bust a gut, when I run
It’s clear exactly why

Black barker, who fronts the strip club
Slips me a coupon, as I’m drifting by
Howling “Thirty naked girls”
Gestures, for me to step inside

Pumping up my bravado
I straight arm the door head on
Act casual, like I’m plenty old
Pray that, it's my lucky one

Muscle head , there to collect
Flashes me, a toothless grin
I break out, my fake ID
He takes my dough, and waves me in

REPEAT CHORUS