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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108 |
THANK YOU FOR LOOKING -------------------------------------
If whiskey flowed down Whiskey River, I'd drink that river dry. Then fill it back up again, with these tears from my eyes.
I saw you at Whiskey River, kissin your ol' friend. You look happy in his arms. Guess you're still in love with him.
"Girl", you're married to another. What you're doin just ain't right. I saw him cryin in a bar room, drinkin whiskey half the night.
(Short Brake)
He took off his wedding ring. Said I don't want this thing. He downed a shot of whiskey, then I heard him sing:
I drink my whiskey from a bottle, one shot at a time. While I'm singing to the bar-maid, I wish this sad song wasn't mine.
I get my lovin from the bar-maid, one shot at a time. While I'm singing to the whiskey, I wish this sad song wasn't mine.
(Short Brake)
He slipped the bar-maid a twenty. Rolled up in it was his ring. As the bar-maid poured more whiskey, she cried when she heard him sing:
"Girl", you're married to another. What you're doin just ain't right. Now, I'm cryin in a bar room, drinkin whiskey half the night.
If whiskey flowed down Whiskey River. Lord, I'd drink that river dry. Then fill it back up again, with all these tears from my eyes.
I drink my whiskey from a bottle. I wish this sad song wasn't mine.
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411 |
Hi Jody. Just a few ideas, in the third verse: Try now this is just another sad song This country boy's gonna sing Sad songs won't fix a cheating heart Wont get you a wedding ring.
And in verse five how about
And I know these sad songs all too well Cause I'm the guys who sings em But on this stage I stand alone So if you've got tears to cry then bring em
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108 |
Hi joewatt,
Thanks for the suggestions.
We can play around with the third verse, and see how it go'es. I made a change. Let me know what you think.
In verse five, she isn't the one crying, "he" the singer is. I think this verse is a stronger verse left as is, at least for now.
Thanks again, jody
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005 |
Hi Jody,
I saw you at Whisky River, kissin your ol' friend. Girl, You broke my heart. RIGHT THERE where our love ends.
Build: You said you loved me, but you lied. You took my lovin, HURT my pride. (removed the "you")
Terry
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108 |
Hi Terry, Thanks for giving some of your time here. I made the changes. But I had to add "Now" right there's where our love ends. It looks better without "now", but flows better with it.
Take care, yodyWayne
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,202
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,202 |
Hi, Jody. I used to be a big poster on this site years ago, but haven't been around in a while. I thought I'd get my feet wet again.
I think this lyric is trying to be too many things at one time. It starts out telling a story about a lost love, then becomes a song about a singer singing sad songs. The change in place and tone was a bit jarring for me. Personally, I think your first 4 lines are fantastic! I read those lines and really wanted to know what happened next. I think you could create a great lyric if you continued that story using similar imagery. It could become a really haunting song.
JMO! Hope it helps!
Erica
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222 |
I don't like putting choruses on everything as a rule, Jody but I agree with Erica, those first four lines are gold. She made a great suggestion on taking it in a different direction. If you want to keep it more like it is, then I kind of think you should consider reworking those four lines into a chorus. The verses could be revamped to indicate from the beginning that the singer is a "singer of sad songs" and I think you'd avoid the duality of themes she was talking about.
Kate – "The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108 |
Hello Erica,
I think I see what your saying. Take a look at the re-write below the original. Please let me know If this is more what you expected to see. Thank you for your input. I appreciate you.
jody
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108
Serious Contributor
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 108 |
Hi Kitty,
I understand what you're saying. Take a look at the re-write below the origial and please let me know what you think. Thanks for your input. Take care.
jody
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