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#827593 - 06/27/10 08:39 PM "Until Then" lyrics - help!  
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Montana
Well this lyric ended up in a completely different place from where it was supposed to go. Started out as a depressing, slow ballad and now it's HAPPY and I don't know what to do. It seems a little, idk, cliche as a result. Made the mistake of showing somebody with the original music and it just plain did not work. Anybody have ideas for how to fix?


"Until Then" - C. 2010

V. 1
I知 not saying that it痴 easy
I知 just telling you the truth
And I知 not sure that you値l believe me
Even though I really need you to
Cause I知 not staying here forever
I知 not ready for that part
You know that someday I値l be leaving
But for now you have my heart

V. 2
Never planned on staying this long
Life just caught us by surprise
And I still find it amazing
That we致e lasted all this time
I can稚 promise you forever
Only 鍍ill death do us part
It could be over in an instant
But until then you have my heart

V. 3
When I fade into a memory
If tomorrow never dawns
Even though you cannot find me
Know I won稚 be truly gone
I can稚 stay with you forever
Our whole lives are just the start
But I will wait for you to join me
And you will always have my heart.



Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
#827609 - 06/28/10 12:43 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
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Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Louisiana
cool write but a chorus is needed.bring out the "until then" in it.

#827625 - 06/28/10 01:33 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
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Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Montana
Thanks!


Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
#827628 - 06/28/10 02:09 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
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Polly Hager Offline
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Polly Hager  Offline
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Until Then c. 2010 Kitty 84

Chorus:

Until then we've todays and tomorrows
Until then we can love like we'll never regret
Until then we can steal time once borrowed
Until then we'll be loving like our hearts never wept


http://www.soundclick.com/pollyhager
http://www.facebook.com/polly.wilmot
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You're supposed to be grooving as hard as you can, all of the time. - Stephen Gaskin
#827656 - 06/28/10 06:55 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 20
Christine Hagar Offline
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Christine Hagar  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 20
United States
Hi Kitty,
You have a good idea there,
on vs 1, maybe dropping the word 'that' altogether would give it more punch if you are going for a strong woman getting stronger style country songOn vs 2 changing "only" to "or till death do us part".
V3, changing "when" to "If I fade into a memory".
Our whole lives are just the start
But I will wait for you to join me
And you will always have my heart.
All of the underlined words at the end dont go with the song for me, I think if you would write in more words of warning to this man instead of insuring him you'll be around for him it will be much stronger as a song..Maybe telling him that "You can have a place in my heart but my heart and mind do not agree, my heart may belong to you boy but someday Im gonna be free"...
If you like those words, you have my heart to use em...LOL
Love and Hugs and Best Wishes to You!
Christine Hagar cool

#827657 - 06/28/10 06:58 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Christine Hagar]  
Joined: Jun 2010
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Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Montana
Thanks Christine. That's actually more in line with where it was supposed to go originally. :-)


Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
#827658 - 06/28/10 07:05 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 20
Christine Hagar Offline
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Christine Hagar  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 20
United States
Well that's great Kitty!
I can hear your song playing!
Hope you have many many successes with it!
Love and Hugs,
Christine Hagar cool

#828233 - 07/01/10 01:39 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
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Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
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Terry G  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Kate,

Seemed like it could have a melody like that of,
"I'm Not Sayin" by Gordon Lightfoot

I had an idea pop up that I personally would do.
I hope you can appreciate that "I can't leave without my heart" is a good Country hook that I've given you.:

I知 not saying that it痴 easy
I知 just telling you the truth
And I知 not sure that you値l believe me
Even though I really need you to
Cause I知 not staying here forever
I知 not ready for that part
You know that someday I値l be leaving
BUT I CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT MY HEART

CHORUS
YES for now you have my heart
HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN'T SAY
BUT YOU STOLE IT FROM THE START

(or for a longer chorus three more lines and a Chorus rhyme scheme of ABACDC)

ETC., ETC.

Cheers,
Terry

P.S.
Went back and looked at Polly's contribution.
If you used my idea the song title might become "I can't Leave Without My Heart"
or "Without My Heart" in which case
Polly's section could become a nice bridge.

#828398 - 07/02/10 01:02 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Montana
Well you guys have certainly given me some thoughts for a rewrite. I tend not to post stuff I'm actually done with & this one has been a particular source of aggravation. I believe the only other individual to see this - who will not be welcomed to offer comment on anything else - compared trying to do an edit to "taking a hunk of rust out of the junkyard."


Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
#828448 - 07/02/10 03:21 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,172
Kathy Bampfield Offline
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Kathy Bampfield  Offline
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Posts: 1,172
Norristown, PA, USA
Hi Kitty,

Here's a twist put a bridge in it and retitle it "Now you've got my heart" and yes its up tempo and that is commercial so I would go for it.....

Thanks for letting me take a peek at your creation.

Happy writing.

#828491 - 07/02/10 11:20 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kathy Bampfield]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,163
summeoyo Offline
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summeoyo  Offline
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Posts: 1,163
Harrisburg, PA, USA
Hi Kitty. You could go several ways with this structurally. Terry and Polly seem to favor the addition of a chorus - which musically should work with most genres. But that would leave you with ABABAB - which is okay perhaps with a musical solo between Ch2 and V3. You could also modify that structure to replace V3 with a bridge(you could use some lines in your current V3)and go ABABCB. Another way to go is AABA. I'd use "But for now you have my heart" at the end of both V1 and V2 and only change it at the end of V3. The AABA would go better with a Blues/Jazz slower type of song. So you would write your bridge accordingly. Best wishes.

#828532 - 07/02/10 02:23 PM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: summeoyo]  
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Montana
Yeah I was going for more the blues/jazz style originally. Thanks for the AABA suggestion, that definitely helps!


Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."
#828733 - 07/04/10 01:23 AM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Kitty84]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 288
Heather N. Orwig Offline
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Heather N. Orwig  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 288
Pennsylvania
Hi Kitty,

I really like what you've got going on here. I have a tendency to think that EVERYTHING needs a chorus... so I would agree with the others that you should add one. I also think your hook should be "You Have My Heart"... then I would use your current Verse 2 as Verse 1 , your current Verse 3 as Verse 2, and I would take a few lines from Verse 1 and turn it into a chorus... or you could come up with an entirely new chorus to support the hook and use some of the lines from verse one to form a bridge.

Good stuff, here. Keep at it smile

Heather





"Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." - Robert Kennedy

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante
#828808 - 07/04/10 03:34 PM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Heather N. Orwig]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,226
Douglas Murphy Offline
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Douglas Murphy  Offline
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Posts: 6,226
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Just wanted to say hello and welcome. So, "Hello and Welcome."

You have received enough feedback so far that I will look forward to any re-write. As to you "cliche" worries IMO if you see them, and they are there, then recognize them and begin seeing how to say what you are saying and say it differently. Listing ideas has worked for me in the past.

Good luck, have fun and we will see you around the Board.

Doug


"Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver

www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Skype Contact: douglas.murphy8
#828821 - 07/04/10 05:16 PM Re: "Until Then" lyrics - help! [Re: Douglas Murphy]  
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Kitty84 Offline
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Kitty84  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Montana
Hi Doug & thanks for all the great suggestions everybody!


Kate <3

"The strongest drive is not love or hate. It is one person's need to correct/modify/alter/edit/change/rewrite another's copy."

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