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#820351 05/24/10 07:26 AM
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a song about being too busy with work ..I'd appreciate all comments and suggesions smile thanks so much


I re-recorded an up to date version

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=451624&songID=9184258





v

I Miss You When You're Home ( revised lyrics ..thanks yall )

v

I thought I'd find you in the den
back behind that desk again
I know lately you're under a lot of strain
our company is growing
You're the one who keeps it going
(and)sometimes you don't get here 'til after eight
(but) it's not the late nights at the office that's whats wrong
It's just that, I miss you when you're home

chorus

baby close your briefcase
Take a minute let's touch base
Leave your work right where it belongs
You can finish it tomorrow
on your flight to Colorado
I know it's part of your job, being gone
but I Miss You When You're Home

v

so babe lets loosen up your tie
I'll go pour us some wine
and meet you in the middle of the couch
You know what they say is best
to relieve all of your stress
and tension you've been carrying around
Besides I've got some tension of my own
and honey, I miss you when you're home

chorus

bridge (maybe)

If you could pencil me in
Maybe we could begin
To work on loving each other again

chorus

Last edited by heatherdcowles; 06/05/10 09:54 PM.
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Hi Heather,

What a great job you do on all your songs...this is no exception. What an all too true concept for a song...mine's not bringing work home though....but I'm feeling lonely when he's home lately.

yerz, Ellen

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well Im glad you can relate (for the songs sake ) but sorry for your sake : ( I know how that goes..was married to someone who was ALWAYS wrapped up in work ..his mind was on $$$, the stock market ..we wouldnt see each other for 4 months at a time and when he came home .yep i was still lonely ...needless to say it failed ...thank you for commenting Ellen

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Nice song, emotional vocal and, if I've understood it correctly, an interesting angle on the subject of emotional distance due to stress, preoccupation, etc.

However, I found that I had to read the lyric a few times to be sure that I'd understood it right. I think I got the central point from the title, when I first saw it before reading the thread or hearing the recording, but at times the lyric led me to feel I might have misinterpreted your intended message.

If, as I think, you're saying that the singer's loved one is still preoccupied by work-related matters when they get home from work, to the extent that they might as well still be at work, I feel that saying a little more about the emotional distance/removedness in the home situation would probably help.

Not a lot more, just a little, to help explain the partner's preoccupation their lack of emotional bonding with the singer.

I think that my partner feels that way when I'm working on my music.


Steve Cooke
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Steve..heres what Im trying to do ..I'm trying to make the woman not to be nagging or in dispair but she just wants the husband to understand she misses him even when he comes home from work and continues working.....I dont want it to be negative so i thought she could come up with a sweet plan that most men wouldnt turn down ..hes a sweet loving man but just too caught up in work ...thats what im trying to get across ..maybe I can say more in verse 2 about why she misses him but in a sweet way ??

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The only thing I can find wrong with this song is you misspelled "tension". These lyrics will hit a lot of people right between the eyes. Your singing is fantastic as always and this is a very well written song. Lots of future potential.

Rick

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Rick , that's sad too ..I can't even spell tention and I'm about to go to vet school : ) im laughing now ...well thank you much for commenting and I appreciate it ..hopefully I can get to the point im satisfied with it and full demo it and see what happens : )

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oops i did it again ...TENSION that is..i got it now : )

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Originally Posted by heatherdcowles
Steve..heres what Im trying to do ..I'm trying to make the woman not to be nagging or in dispair but she just wants the husband to understand she misses him even when he comes home from work and continues working.....I dont want it to be negative so i thought she could come up with a sweet plan that most men wouldnt turn down ..hes a sweet loving man but just too caught up in work ...thats what im trying to get across ..maybe I can say more in verse 2 about why she misses him but in a sweet way ??



Seems like a pretty good plan, Heather.

I do think it would benefit from saying a little more about the potential problem as it presents itself at home, but I recognise that it's a difficult balancing act between appearing to nag - an impression you definitely don't want to convey - and being positive - which you do want to convey.

You're definitely on the right track here, though.


Steve Cooke
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Hey Heather,

Very tender song here, and one which a lot of folks can relate to.

I wouldn't change much at all. There's a couple of awkward lines in the verses, "briefcase" and "office" could maybe replaced with more generic terms to describe a general situation in life, which would widen the audience.

Great line.... "You can finish it tomorrow, on you're flight to Colorado".

Musically , and delivery wise, it's great.

cheers, niteshift


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Heather
I think the version as sung is great.
I think a lyrical bridge would make the song stronger but I don't think the bridge you have written here is strong enough.
If you are going to add a lyrical bridge it needs to be stronger than the verses and that might be a tough one.
take some time on it.


Bill
http://www.soundclick.com/billrobinson
http://www.dreamqueststudio.com
Skype; bill.robinson12

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." --Thomas Jefferson didn't say it

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http://www.americansworking.com/
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Hey Heather,

This is beautiful. I have a suggestion for the bridge, keep or sweep. It doesn't necessarily fit the music you have now, but...

If you could pencil me in
Maybe we could begin
To work on loving each other again

Maybe not what you're looking for... just a suggestion. Otherwise, this is really a great song.

Heather


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"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante
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thank you all...seems im on the right track here : ) I am debating on leaving a lyrics brisge out and just let a little instrumental solo go there..my goal this week is to look over all suggestions on here and see what comes out of it all...be back in a few days and thank so much for the help all of you : )

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and Heather I like bridge you suggested by the way ...the pencil me in and WORK on loving each other : ) very nice

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Hey Heather,


I really like this. It's sounding real good to my ears.

I agree an instumental bridge just might be a good idea in this one.


Gail
















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thank you Gail..yea I am leaning toward inst bridge so far : ) I appreciate you listening !

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Heather this is so lovely, but what would I expect, but this one gets right to my heart the way you sing it....voice of an angel....love it glyn

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thank you much Glynda : )

can I get some thoughts on the opening lines of the verse 1 ? now its

Is it okay if i come in , I see you're busy again
and I know lately you've been under alot of strain
the business is growing
you're the one that keeps it goin
and sometimes you don't get here till after eight
but it's not the late nights at the office that's whats wrong
it's just that, I miss you when your home


should I start it as

I knew I'd find you in here , I don't mean to interfere
and I know lately you've been under alot of strain
the business is growing
you're the one that keeps it goin
and sometimes you don't get here till after eight
but it's not the late nights at the office that's whats wrong
it's just that, I miss you when your home

a coach on songu said maybe i shoudnt say "is it ok if i come in" with him being under alot of strain : ) do you think he's in the bathroom ?? haa makes me laugh

Last edited by heatherdcowles; 05/27/10 08:32 PM.
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lots of people see it different ways, I thought of his office but I guess the 2nd one is better..anyway the way you sing it goes right to my heart, this is about the best i've heard you sing and I think everything you sing is the best....and next week, sending you money...love you girl....and are you still gonna do demos when you go to vet school...glyn

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Heather...bless your heart ...'ya got me laughing on that one!!

"Do you think he's in the bathroom"??!! Lordy...it never dawned on me ...(pardon my english)...that he might be in "the crapper"!!! Yikes...now I'm envisioning him doin' ALL kinds of things in there all by himself!! Yep...he might REALLY "have his hands full"!! (lol!!) You know you could read anything into either opening line if you want to!

I truly like it the way you have it now. I perceive (in the song) that you're just being considerate...didn't want to bother him...you know that he is consumed with WORK...(hadn't thought about the OTHER possibilities)!!

I really like this! I think it is a song sooooo many can relate to...and that's my 2cents worth... smile

Kind wishes,
Gail
















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thats too funny ! dang..yea he could doing any number of things huh : ) if he says "no " then we know well at least shes trying to help him relieve the stress ..I will never think of this song the same again ! Ive got a few ideas for it ..I could specifically say

I knew I'd find you in the den , behind that desk once again

and there would be no questions ...usually behind a desk is a safe place to walk in on someone aint it : )

I'll just keep at it : ) thank you for the laugh Gail !

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Glynda..thank you ...ok so I may be safe to leave it as is ..the office at home was my thought when i wrote it ...yes I will still do the demos ..I may upset my roommates but hey ...I'll be sure to do them not late at night !

Last edited by heatherdcowles; 05/27/10 11:10 PM.
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I saw a lot of 'and's and 'but's and 'that's in there and wanted to edit those. Some 'and's and 'but's are just 'thought-connectors' songwriters employ to tie lines together. But listeners don't need them in many cases. The 'that's seemed too impersonal and contrived, 'that desk' I think was one, or 'that briefcase.' I thought it may be better to let him 'own' it, 'your briefcase,' 'your tie,' etc.

'Let's' means 'let us' and 'let us loosen up THAT tie' seemed like it would work better as 'Let me loosen up your tie.'

Then I got to tinkering with other things. Keep or sweep.

I'm concerned that the slow tempo makes it more mournful than it needs to be. You're trying to emphasize her positive and playful attempts to get him to lay down his work and be with her, so upping the tempo may serve that function better.

Also, your contrast of emotion between the verse and the chorus may need a little more intensity. Tempo may affect that too.

I Miss You When You're Home

v

I see you're busy again.
Is it okay if I come in?
I know lately you're under a lot of strain
Your company is growing
You're the one who keeps it going
Sometimes you don't get here 'til after eight
The late nights at the office aren't what's wrong
It's just that, I Miss You When You're Home


chorus

So baby close your briefcase
Take a minute. Let's touch base
Leave your work right where it belongs
You can finish it tomorrow
on your flight to Colorado
I know it's part of your job, being gone
but I Miss You When You're Home


v

Let me loosen up your tie
Look, I've poured your favorite wine
Won't you meet me in the middle of the couch
You know I know what's best
to relieve all of your stress
and tension you've been carrying around
Besides I've got some tension of my own
and honey, I Miss You When You're Home

repeat chorus

bridge

Tonight's our anniversary
I know it didn't slip your mind
You're here to spend it with me
Honey, there's no present like your time

repeat chorus

Edit: That bridge Heather suggested has merits in fitting the theme, as you commented.
If you could pencil me in
Maybe we could begin
To work on loving each other again

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 05/28/10 01:15 AM.

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thank you Gary ...I think you've got some really good points! Changing the first two lines does clarify right off the bat that hes busy dont it ,instead of starting out 'is it ok if i come in' ...i like that ..and using company instead of business works better to me too than business .. for some reason I still want to keep a but and an and in there ..let me see what others think ...im going to go ahead and use the changes you mentioned that i definitely like better : ) thanks so much !


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