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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124 |
Hey, Guys-- Here's a new one. I haven't added bass yet. Comments? http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=953661&songID=8805384Until You Came Around Standing on the corner in my daddy's shoes Voices on the radio--How could I refuse? Waited on the Greyhound bus to carry me out of town Had the whole thing figured out until you came around until you came around until you came around Had the whole thing figured out until you came around Figured out forgiveness. Figured out regret Figured out not to worry about what hasn't happened yet But there's something in a young man's heart that makes an awful sound Peace and quiet had to wait until you came around In the light of day the simple truth is hardest to believe And the little gifts you don't deserve are hardest to receive Bluebird in a maple tree didn't make a sound And morning hid behind the hill until you came around Everything was inside out until you came around
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 12,082 Likes: 1
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 12,082 Likes: 1 |
Hi Jonathan: In all honesty, the title "Until you came around" didn't initially hook me - until I listened to the song I was quickly reeled in though - the writing here is superb and it's performed really well. I would rate the lyric of this verse among the best I've seen (anywhere): In the light of day the simple truth is hardest to believe And the little gifts you don't deserve are hardest to receive Bluebird in a maple tree didn't make a sound And morning hid behind the hill until you came around I love the song and performance. Don't know what your goals are - maybe get some pros to listen and see if they think the hook is strong enough? Or, if you are the artist, don't bother with that and sell it when you sing it (as you did here) When we have the next critique in the mentor forum, I'd encourage you to propose this one for review. If selected, Harriet might have some ideas for how to push this one over the top. At the very least, add that bass Scott
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Duuuuude! Excellent song. Gets your attention and stays with you. Tremendous writing. Cain't wait for the bass.
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 40
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 40 |
Jonathan, great production and recording. I am not a specialist on lyrics but I enjoyed the story your telling.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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Posts: 124 |
Thanks, gentlemen. I appreciate the feedback.
Scott, I would love to have some guidance from the mentor forum. I'm glad you think this song has merit.
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210 |
This is freaking fantastic. No more to say than that.
Kimberlyinnc:)
Great guitar work on the musical break.
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Joined: May 2010
Posts: 4,171 Likes: 8
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Joined: May 2010
Posts: 4,171 Likes: 8 |
That was really nice!
The lyrics are great and I really appreciate your singing.
Tammy
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124 |
Thanks Kimberly & Tammy. Here's the new version with some bass. Now I guess I should fix the drums. The tweaking process is tedious! http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8805384
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,581
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Joined: May 2001
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Really good lyric IMO and I like the groove of the performance. Nice to meet you Jonathan. I really liked this one.
Steve
I'm the only person here who is not unique.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,910
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Posts: 1,910 |
wonderful song outstanding performance !!! perfect
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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Posts: 124 |
Thanks, Dan! It's beginning to take shape. I appreciate the encouraging words.
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2010
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I googled one of the most talented people I have ever known. One who could write a Symphony in the middle of the Sahara with just a Harmonica on him and I stumble across this thread. As always your music is Great! I wish some Label would pick you up so the world could hear your voice. Your The BEST!!!!
gregt
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,895
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Top 40 Poster
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Hi Jonathan, I noticed this was posted last month. Don't know how I missed it, but glad that chickeneater above found it. This is really excellent, lyrically and musically. Hope you come back around and share more of your music with us. Ricki
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4
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My Boys and I spent the afternoon listening to your music. We love it!!! Your music has dramatically change since the time we spent singing in a tunnel in Gibralter!!!!
gregt
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 288
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 288 |
Hi there!
I wish I could comment on the demo, but each time I tried listening, it faded in and out and slowed and stopped... not sure what's going on there?
Anyway - lyrically, this is just awesome. I have to agree with Scott in regards to the below verse...
In the light of day the simple truth is hardest to believe And the little gifts you don't deserve are hardest to receive Bluebird in a maple tree didn't make a sound And morning hid behind the hill until you came around
Hope to hear more from you!
Heather
"Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." - Robert Kennedy
"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." - Jimmy Durante
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,190 Likes: 30
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,190 Likes: 30 |
Cool tune Jonathan! Great lyrics. You do a fine job with the vocal. I can easily hear Neil Diamond singing this. If I knew Neil personally, I'd pass it on to him. Best, John
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124 |
Greg--Thanks for the shoutout old friend. It's been too long.
Ricki--Thanks! I'll post more tunes here as they develop. I gain a lot from the feedback.
Heather--I'm not sure why you're having trouble with the audio; I checked it after reading your post and couldn't find any problems. I'm so glad you like the lyric.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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John--
Thanks so much! I enjoy your work and appreciate your comments. I'm trying to write for a wider audience lately, though it's a struggle at times. Still, I think I'm making progress. And nobody does it better than Neil Diamond. Thanks for the encouragement.
Jonathan
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4
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Casual Observer
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Hey Let Axel Rose sing it that would be amusing
gregt
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4
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Casual Observer
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hey dude you should write a song about our journey together the first time we met in a church nursery and then 18 yrs later found our way to the Ca. That woukd be an interesting song!
gregt
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,404
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Jonathan...Not since Harry Chapin have I heard such a talented folk rock tune...this is truly a fine one...
Larry
Can't find the stairway to 'heaven'...but I know where the elevator is.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us" - Albert Schweitzer.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 124
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Posts: 124 |
Thanks, Larry! This one is definitely going on the cd. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words.
Jonathan
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