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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Aug 2007
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I sent this lyric to Mags a few days ago....He heard the music right away, so here is our first worktape....hope you'll give it a listen for us...thanks. http://www.soundclick.com/janicehopkins© 2010 Janice Hopkins / Magne Kolstad Tucson Arizona Her Mom could never hold her little girl down Knew her own mind before she could count Heard her sayin’ to her Barbie’s…..be strong Be your own woman, how can that be wrong No man’s runnin’ her life, ownin’ her days Choosin’ her clothes, her plans will be made If she heard, girl I’m gonna own ya’ She’d hear Tucson Arizona Desperately callin’ her name She’d say so long…. nice to know ya’ Desert winds in Arizona Are burnin’ in me like a flame Nice to know ya’ Send my things to Tucson Arizona Her independence was a God given right That began to change one steamy June night She was taken by his boyish good looks A few weeks of him and that’s all it took Well he was runnin’ her life, ownin’ her days Choosin’ her clothes, her plans were already made When he said, “Girl I’m gonna own ya’ She heard, Tucson Arizona Desperately callin’ her name She said, So long…. nice to know ya’ Desert winds in Arizona Are burnin’ in me like a flame Nice to know ya’ Send my things to Tucson, Arizona He chased her right out the door A scene she always swore….she’d never live with Told him things he couldn’t hear Then she felt what seemed like fear Well….it was ALL….his Repeat chorus x2
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Hi Janice,
pleasent song but the voice and melody, does not draw the listener in.
The voice stays on a small range right through the song.
and it get's monotonous.
Shame because the lyric deserves something much better.
Without the right music your clever lyrics will never be heard, if you want success be prepared to re write many times and even change the meter you chose originally
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I liked the words and the way it moves through the two (or three, if you count the running-out-the-door boyfriend scene) different stages of her life.
If I could suggest perhaps slowing down the pace so the words come out more spaced apart, which would also allow easier/better phrasing for the singer.
Best Regards and Aloha,
Charlie
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Hi Charlie....thanks for giving this first rough worktape a listen for us. In Magne's defense, even tho' I think he sounds great...he is suffering from a bad cold, but he recorded this yesterday anyhow so that we'd have a place to start on it. He will be seeing all of these suggestions to help to move us forward on it.
Thanks so much
Jan
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Howdy Janice, On first read, I couldnt see how it could work. Then when I listened, it all fell into place, but it does seem like he is rushing in many spots. I Like the neat soft, & the multi word rhymes= gonna own ya + Arizona= very good Gus
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Well Gus....I knew from the start, how that chorus had to be sung to work....it's the ONLY way it would work...IMO....so that's what we went with.....this could be either a female or male voc, because of the POV, but I'm leaning toward female I think...or maybe we'll demo it both ways.
Thanks so much for stopping by on it...it is so helpful to hear what everyone else hears with it.
Jan
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Back for another listen. Like it more each time
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Gus...so glad that you gave it another listen for us...this is just the very first worktape....much more to come.
Jan
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Matt....so sorry that I missed you. I hear what you are saying, but that was just a first rough vocal on this....and by a guy who has a pretty bad cold...just wanted to get it out there to give you all a bit of an idea of where we are going with this one....lots to do yet and we know it.
But so glad that the lyrics are working for you....come back and listen as everything progresses....thanks Matt. We surely appreciate that you listened on this one.
Jan
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I listened one time and thought... What is this? I listened one more time and then things fell in place - partly though. It's very fine write, and there are some relevant sugestions already that I wount add much to, but I think you are on a track to something great. Most importen, It must be sung so it is obvious what is going on.
Keep on - the lyrics are wort it!
Ken
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Jan,
Really enjoyed this one. Very nice write and the music has a very easy flow reminiscent of Jim Croce. Actually, I'm envious of how quickly some of you folks can go from words on paper to these great melodies. Nice guitar playing also.
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Let's see here, I think you are doing good hooking up with Magne, he has a nice sense of melody and makes pleasant sounds.
1.) I think this is a good tempo, but Charlie above says maybe slow it down so the words don't get crunched in so much. What does that tell ya? He tells me you need to cut some syllables out OR slow it down. But if you slow it down, you'll lose marketability. Man it is a tough world we've decided to get involved with. Now, I looked at verse one and couldn't come up with any syllable cuts that made sense, so you are on your own (ha, ha).
2.) The lift doesn't seem to "lift" to me. Just seems like part of verse. I think you need to revisit that part to give the song forward momentum into the chorus.
There's a lot to like here and I am looking forward to seeing where you go with it.
Kevin
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Thanks Ken...I fully realized that just reading the lyric would make it difficult to hear how it should be sung....but I only heard it in my head...one way....had to be sung rapidly in the chorus to work.
Thanks for weighing in on the suggestions. We will keep working this one...I really want to see where we could go with it.
I sure appreciate your time.
Jan
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Hello Tom....well, sometimes it just clicks for both collaborators. It's nice when that happens and is a clear sign that you need to at least pursue it some. This is one of those cases. I am so happy to be working with Magne. He's one talented guy and usually hears what I am trying to say with my words.
Thanks so much for your encouragement on this one.
Jan
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Hi Janice, Magne, and Steve,
(I moved this from the wrong thread, over here...)
Listening lofi so can only comment on the composition, and I like it, it flows nicely, and I like the two down beats on ariZO NA!
Another really nice Magne performance; such thoughtful phrasing, and musical leanings.
The chorus is so catchy, rhythmically, I mean--the way that those words fall out of Magne's mouth is quite clever and enjoyable--I was not wanting for "the big hook."
Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 02/13/10 05:24 AM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Hi Kevin...hey, all of your suggestions give us even more to think about...and we need that...HA...No, really...we do. We appreciate your thinking on this...and yes, we want to make it marketable, so we will try to go the route that takes us there with it eventually.
I have been blessed to work with some darn fine collaborators, including yourself....so don't think that I don't know that and feel thankful for it...every single day of my life.
Thanks kevin
Jan
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Thanks Michael...glad you moved this to the right thread...now I am not confused...HA....Guess I will have to find something else today to be confused about. Hey, that usually only takes me a very short time..!! It comes easily to me...HA.
Again....thanks so much for checking this one out for us...so happy when the chorus works for folks, too. This one HAD to be sung just like Magne sung it...for it to work. That's exactly how I heard it when I wrote it. It's always nice when the team works well together.
Have a great day, Michael
Jan
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I like this - agree that the phrasing in the chorus is very cool! Yeah, some of the words are missed - but I think a case can be made for keeping the tempo where it is, keeping the phrasing the way it is, but working on the enunciation. Will be a challenge of course but worth it imo. Scott
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Scott....thanks so much for the listen. This one will smooth out with the next worktape, I'm very sure..Magne keeps getting better and better....and this next one...he will probably be "cold" free.
So glad that you think this one is worth taking forward.
Your input is always so very appreciated by both of us.
Jan
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