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#794395 - 02/09/10 01:53 PM Tucson Arizona  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
I sent this lyric to Mags a few days ago....He heard the music right away, so here is our first worktape....hope you'll give it a listen for us...thanks.

http://www.soundclick.com/janicehopkins


© 2010 Janice Hopkins / Magne Kolstad

Tucson Arizona

Her Mom could never hold her little girl down
Knew her own mind before she could count
Heard her sayin’ to her Barbie’s…..be strong
Be your own woman, how can that be wrong

No man’s runnin’ her life, ownin’ her days
Choosin’ her clothes, her plans will be made

If she heard, girl I’m gonna own ya’
She’d hear Tucson Arizona
Desperately callin’ her name
She’d say so long…. nice to know ya’
Desert winds in Arizona
Are burnin’ in me like a flame
Nice to know ya’
Send my things to Tucson Arizona

Her independence was a God given right
That began to change one steamy June night
She was taken by his boyish good looks
A few weeks of him and that’s all it took

Well he was runnin’ her life, ownin’ her days
Choosin’ her clothes, her plans were already made

When he said, “Girl I’m gonna own ya’
She heard, Tucson Arizona
Desperately callin’ her name
She said, So long…. nice to know ya’
Desert winds in Arizona
Are burnin’ in me like a flame
Nice to know ya’
Send my things to Tucson, Arizona

He chased her right out the door
A scene she always swore….she’d never live with
Told him things he couldn’t hear
Then she felt what seemed like fear
Well….it was ALL….his

Repeat chorus x2


#794406 - 02/09/10 02:54 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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MATT STONEHAM Offline
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Le Monde
Hi Janice,

pleasent song but the voice and melody, does not draw the listener in.

The voice stays on a small range right through the song.

and it get's monotonous.

Shame because the lyric deserves something much better.


Without the right music your clever lyrics will never be heard, if you want success be prepared to re write many times and even change the meter you chose originally
#794424 - 02/09/10 04:11 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: MATT STONEHAM]  
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Charlie Wong Offline
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I liked the words and the way it moves through the two (or three, if you count the running-out-the-door boyfriend scene) different stages of her life.

If I could suggest perhaps slowing down the pace so the words come out more spaced apart, which would also allow easier/better phrasing for the singer.


Best Regards and Aloha,

Charlie
#794432 - 02/09/10 04:53 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Charlie Wong]  
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Hi Charlie....thanks for giving this first rough worktape a listen for us. In Magne's defense, even tho' I think he sounds great...he is suffering from a bad cold, but he recorded this yesterday anyhow so that we'd have a place to start on it. He will be seeing all of these suggestions to help to move us forward on it.

Thanks so much

Jan

#794434 - 02/09/10 05:05 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Charlie Wong]  
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Steven August Rieck Offline
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Santa Barbara Calif. USA
Howdy Janice, On first read, I couldnt see how it could work.
Then when I listened, it all fell into place, but it does seem like he is rushing in many spots. I Like the neat soft, &
the multi word rhymes= gonna own ya + Arizona= very good Gus


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"One Love One Heart".....Bob Marley
#794442 - 02/09/10 05:36 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Steven August Rieck]  
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Well Gus....I knew from the start, how that chorus had to be sung to work....it's the ONLY way it would work...IMO....so that's what we went with.....this could be either a female or male voc, because of the POV, but I'm leaning toward female I think...or maybe we'll demo it both ways.

Thanks so much for stopping by on it...it is so helpful to hear what everyone else hears with it.

Jan

#794541 - 02/10/10 03:42 AM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Steven August Rieck Offline
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Back for another listen. Like it more each time


PLEASE JOIN THE DRIVE TO HELP OUR FOUNDER, BRIAN WHITNEY, RECOVER FROM HIS STROKE! Click on the link below for more info.
http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/797695/Main/797695/#Post797695




"One Love One Heart".....Bob Marley
#794637 - 02/10/10 12:17 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Steven August Rieck]  
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Gus...so glad that you gave it another listen for us...this is just the very first worktape....much more to come.

Jan

#794723 - 02/10/10 04:37 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Matt....so sorry that I missed you. I hear what you are saying, but that was just a first rough vocal on this....and by a guy who has a pretty bad cold...just wanted to get it out there to give you all a bit of an idea of where we are going with this one....lots to do yet and we know it.

But so glad that the lyrics are working for you....come back and listen as everything progresses....thanks Matt. We surely appreciate that you listened on this one.

Jan

#794788 - 02/10/10 07:48 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Ken Damkier Offline
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Denmark
I listened one time and thought... What is this?
I listened one more time and then things fell in place - partly though.
It's very fine write, and there are some relevant sugestions already that I wount add much to, but I think you are on a track to something great.
Most importen, It must be sung so it is obvious what is going on.

Keep on - the lyrics are wort it!

Ken

#794817 - 02/10/10 08:50 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Ken Damkier]  
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Tom W. Offline
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Tom W.  Offline
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Jan,

Really enjoyed this one. Very nice write and the music has a very easy flow reminiscent of Jim Croce. Actually, I'm envious of how quickly some of you folks can go from words on paper to these great melodies. Nice guitar playing also.

#794822 - 02/10/10 09:00 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Tom W.]  
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Kevin Emmrich Online content
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Crozet, VA
Let's see here, I think you are doing good hooking up with Magne, he has a nice sense of melody and makes pleasant sounds.

1.) I think this is a good tempo, but Charlie above says maybe slow it down so the words don't get crunched in so much. What does that tell ya? He tells me you need to cut some syllables out OR slow it down. But if you slow it down, you'll lose marketability. Man it is a tough world we've decided to get involved with. Now, I looked at verse one and couldn't come up with any syllable cuts that made sense, so you are on your own (ha, ha).

2.) The lift doesn't seem to "lift" to me. Just seems like part of verse. I think you need to revisit that part to give the song forward momentum into the chorus.

There's a lot to like here and I am looking forward to seeing where you go with it.

Kevin



"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#795086 - 02/11/10 01:39 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Kevin Emmrich]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Thanks Ken...I fully realized that just reading the lyric would make it difficult to hear how it should be sung....but I only heard it in my head...one way....had to be sung rapidly in the chorus to work.

Thanks for weighing in on the suggestions. We will keep working this one...I really want to see where we could go with it.

I sure appreciate your time.

Jan

#795363 - 02/12/10 12:42 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Hello Tom....well, sometimes it just clicks for both collaborators. It's nice when that happens and is a clear sign that you need to at least pursue it some. This is one of those cases. I am so happy to be working with Magne. He's one talented guy and usually hears what I am trying to say with my words.

Thanks so much for your encouragement on this one.

Jan

#795631 - 02/13/10 04:03 AM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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California
Hi Janice, Magne, and Steve,

(I moved this from the wrong thread, over here...)

Listening lofi so can only comment on the composition, and I like it, it flows nicely, and I like the two down beats on ariZO NA!

Another really nice Magne performance; such thoughtful phrasing, and musical leanings.

The chorus is so catchy, rhythmically, I mean--the way that those words fall out of Magne's mouth is quite clever and
enjoyable--I was not wanting for "the big hook."

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 02/13/10 04:24 AM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#795850 - 02/13/10 09:28 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Hi Kevin...hey, all of your suggestions give us even more to think about...and we need that...HA...No, really...we do. We appreciate your thinking on this...and yes, we want to make it marketable, so we will try to go the route that takes us there with it eventually.

I have been blessed to work with some darn fine collaborators, including yourself....so don't think that I don't know that and feel thankful for it...every single day of my life.

Thanks kevin

Jan

#796304 - 02/15/10 12:22 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Thanks Michael...glad you moved this to the right thread...now I am not confused...HA....Guess I will have to find something else today to be confused about. Hey, that usually only takes me a very short time..!! It comes easily to me...HA.

Again....thanks so much for checking this one out for us...so happy when the chorus works for folks, too. This one HAD to be sung just like Magne sung it...for it to work. That's exactly how I heard it when I wrote it. It's always nice when the team works well together.

Have a great day, Michael

Jan

#796629 - 02/16/10 11:53 AM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Lakeland, FL, USA
I like this - agree that the phrasing in the chorus is very cool!

Yeah, some of the words are missed - but I think a case can be made for keeping the tempo where it is, keeping the phrasing the way it is, but working on the enunciation. Will be a challenge of course but worth it imo. smile

Scott

#796721 - 02/16/10 04:51 PM Re: Tucson Arizona [Re: Scott Campbell]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Scott....thanks so much for the listen. This one will smooth out with the next worktape, I'm very sure..Magne keeps getting better and better....and this next one...he will probably be "cold" free.

So glad that you think this one is worth taking forward.

Your input is always so very appreciated by both of us.

Jan


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