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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 439
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Hi everyone. In an attempt to squeeze one more song out of 2009, I wrapped this one up with a few days left to spare last year. And it even has a tuba in it! Honest comments, thoughts and suggestions for improvement are always appreciated. I have no grand plans for this tune -- just want to make it as good as it can be. (There, Wendy... you happy? ). [b]The Words You Would Never Say[/b](c) 2009 Rob Lewczyk When we were dressed to kill The boutonniere was lovely With petals on the ground Now my lapel is bloody The writer holds her pen In an angry and awkward way And in between the lines Are the words you would never say We danced on moon drenched nights Two wine flushed faces glowing In morning's sober light The wrinkled skin is showing The writer holds her pen In an angry and awkward way And in between the lines Are the words you would never say Fending off the fists of fate We want things as they were before Staring at the x-ray film A tumor cannot be ignored We dined in five star style With thighs pressed close together Our house of brick and steel Dissolved in rainy weather The writer holds her pen In an angry and awkward way And in between the lines Are the words you would never say
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 135
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 135 |
Like it a lot. The only thing I'd suggest is that the chorus could stand out a little more...
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 12,082 Likes: 1
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Hi Rob: Once I saw you had a tuba in it, I had to listen! I liked this a lot! I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the comments I make (thinking they could improve something) are simply personal preferences. Same here - so feel free to ignore. I have the feel that the title line is delivered in a kinda laid-back fashion. I'm wondering if a longer pause before it comes in - coupled with using "you'd" instead of "you would" to meter better, would give it a little more impact. The other thing is that I was expecting a chord change when the bridge came in. Again, these are just preferences. I suspect if I listened to this a few more times, the way it is now would become natural. Really nice melody here - and the lyric is solid, imo. Scott
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hi Jimmy, Thanks for taking a listen. You're right... I realized the 'chorus' wasn't really 'chorusy' enough, so I cheated and turned it into an AABA format - with the same lyrics at the end of each 'verse.' A technical workaround, I know, but I'm a lazy songwriter at heart and it was easier than waiting for a perfect chorus to come.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hi Scott, Personal opinion is what it's all about... IMHO. And I appreciate and respect yours. So thank you for listening and chiming in. Interesting thought on the delivery of the title line. I may try that as I'm still not happy with my vocals (although I seldom am). I agree the bridge is not as much of a departure as it could be, but I kind of liked the way it worked when this came to me, so I kept it. It'll never be a hit, but now at least I have a good reason why. I'm also glad to see my tuba teaser lured you in!
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
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Hi Rob
I like what you have here -- what you have to say -- sort of all understated but the vibe is strong.... I like the horns and various sounds....
To make your hook stand apart more - I wonder if you drop the rhythm guitar part way down or out - to make the difference - in that less might be more then.... it'd be easy enough to try. ; ) Good work to end the year. Best wishes. jm
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,235
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Well..now I'm happy! Since I asked you to post this, I figured I'd better come by and post something. As I was listening, it struck me that there's sort of an Asian or Eastern sound going on here. I think that's what makes it unique and cool. I don't have any nits. I just really like it. It's very alt. pop sounding. Maybe you could add some power tools to the mix though?
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Thanks, Joice-Marie! I appreciate the listen and the suggestion on how to break up some of the monotony of the song. I'll definitely give that a try the next time I'm tinkering with it. I'm a fan of easy fixes. Take care.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hey Wendy, I'd take the three word review of "unique and cool" from you for any song I write any day. Thanks, I appreciate it. It's funny, I was looking around my little make-shift music 'studio' in the back of my house the other day trying to track down some sort of sound that would add a little more punch to the last verse... but nothing jumped out at me. Maybe I need to extend my search into my workshop and garage! Or maybe it's time to pull out the old standard - my cordless drill once again. Thanks again.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,473
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Damn Dude, You know how much I spend on guitars and gear trying to get clean crips sounds? Plenty. And as I remember Rob you have a normal guitar and this sounds REALLY COOL so much better than sounds I can get. I love this song. And I love the progression and the begining is wonderful. Simple and really effective. I would be thrilled to squeeze this out any year.
Tom
PS a drill????
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,941 Likes: 3
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Loving the tuba! Has a real nice melody and a great feel about. I would love to hear a real change of pace at the chorus and/or the bridge. Very poetic writing. Real good.
I enjoyed the listen.
Kevin
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,668 Likes: 42
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Interesting.
Consider opening with what you have as Verse 3. Hook-factor is very strategic in the opening line, to get listeners' attention. The straightforward, conversational language in V3 might have more hook-factor than the more obscure, poetic opening couplets of V1 or V2.
I wonder if in THE hook/title you might emphasize 'you' more, to better effect.
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 439
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Hey Tom! Good to hear from you. Thanks for the kind words. As a fan of yours, I always appreciate it when one of mine sits well with you. Yeah, I have about the most basic set up imaginable. I probably wouldn't know what to do with an expensive guitar... I can barely play my cheap ones. I have to thank Garage Band (initially) and Logic Express (more recently) for anything that sounds halfway decent. Oh, and my brother in law bought me my mic one Christmas. So that probably has something to do with it as well. Regarding the cordless drill... you probably missed this one when I posted it here about a year ago: http://www.bulldogim.com/roblewczyk/html/departure.html That crunching, rhythmic sound which leads it off is my cordless drill, low on battery, put through one of Logic's filters. That was a fun song to make. Wendy was the one who heard an early version of it and convinced me it was good enough to finish - I was having my doubts half way through. I hope you're doing well! Happy new year.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hi Kevin, Thanks for giving this one a spin, and for your thoughts on how to improve it. I started with a pretty basic cord pattern as the basis for this tune, and that's why it doesn't diverge too much in the bridge or chorus. By the time I had built it up to the point where it was a song in my mind, there was no turning back (I have a hard time rewriting... once I'm relatively happy with something... even though I know it has its flaws ). I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Gary, Thank you for having a listen and offering some thoughts. I realized that melodically, the song is pretty hook deficient... so that's why I attempted to sprinkle in individual instrumental ones to make it grab folks a little more (if possible). From my perspective all the verse lyrics begin with a more tangible couple of lines, and then move to metaphor. So I'm not sure verse three would be any less obscure, but I also know that's personal preference . Thanks for the suggestion. I may indeed try some different ways of handling the vocals on the title line in the verses based on some of the more consistent feedback I'm getting. I really appreciate your honest comments.
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