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#786527 01/10/10 11:28 PM
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sharla Offline OP
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this is a collaberation between sharla shore and janet snow(red wing)
we would love some feedback on this alt country song.
thanks a bunch.


http://www.sharlashore.com/music-26.html


RISE

1ST
SHE GETS READY FOR SCHOOL IN CLOTHES SOMEBODY GAVE HER
THE BUS PULLS UP IN FRONT OF HER RUN DOWN HOUSE TRAILOR
SHE'S GREETED BY LAUGHTER WHEN SHE TAKES HER SEAT
BUT SHE'S BECOME AN EXPERT AT TURNIN THE OTHER CHEEK
chorus

CAUSE SHE'S GONNA RISE, RISE ABOVE HER SITUATION
SHE'S GONNA RISE UP ON SELF-DETERMINATION
SHE'S GONNA RISE RISE, RISE THE GIRLS GONNA RISE

2nd verse

FROM THE FIRST GRADE OF SCHOOL SHE WAS LABLED A FAILURE
CAUSE HER DADDY'S SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH THE COUNTY JAILER
AND HER MOTHER WALKS THE STREET FOR , FOR THE DRUG MONEY SHE NEEDS
HER INNOCENCE HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY, BY HER PARENTS GREEDS
(repeat chorus)

Bridge

THE ONLY HOPE SHE'S HAD, CAME FROM A WORN OUT SOCIAL WORKER
BEEN THERE FROM THE START, MADE SURE NOBODY HURT HER
GAVE HER FOOD WHEN THE HUNGER TURNED INTO PAIN
HELPED HER TO REALIZE SHE WAS MORE THAN JUST A NAME

(BREAK)

3rd verse

NOW TWENTY YEARS LATER OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTY COURTROOM
THE GIRL, NOW A WOMAN, WAITS FOR THE TRIAL TO RESUME
SHE LOOKS FINE IN HER BLACK ROBE, WITH A GAVEL IN HER HAND
THIS TIME WHEN THEY CALL HER NAME THE PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO STAND


THEY'RE GONNA RISE, CAUSE SHE'S REACHED HER DESTINATION
THEY'RE GONNA RISE, CAUSE SHE'S EARNED APRRECIATION,

NOW SHE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER GIRLS INSPIRATION......( BREAK)TO RISE, TO RISE..... TO RISE........../

copy write 2010


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #786530 01/10/10 11:34 PM
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Hey guys.....at last I found somebody to put some music to this, and after looking and listening to many singers, I think Sharla
does a wonderful job. Hope you find the time to listen and comment.


redwing

Janet Snow #786534 01/10/10 11:43 PM
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Powerful song sharla you did a great job for redwing.


Scott Steven Walters

Goodfolks link below
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=817195
goodfolks #786577 01/11/10 01:09 AM
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Thank you Scott,
Janet and I connect really well..almost like simeese twins..
we have more songs, that will be up and comming soon.


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #786606 01/11/10 01:55 AM
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Very inspirational - good story and delivered with power. Was a nice idea to make her a judge so that people will have to stand. Nice!

Scott

Scott Campbell #786611 01/11/10 02:02 AM
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Uhmmm... I really like the way you are letting this out.
No doubt you are performing strong, honest and pressent.
We have folks like her here in Copenhagen too.
Your message is coming through!

Cool indeed!

Ken

Ken Damkier #786637 01/11/10 03:05 AM
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I knew the inside story on the song from Redwing, who is a friend of mine, and to hear this, presented so powerfully and beautifully by Sharla, just literally brings tears to my eyes. Absolutely so moving and amazing. This is one of those songs that no matter who you are, it gets to you. What makes it even more moving is that it IS a true story. You two really did an outstanding job! I can't wait to hear more collabs. smile


http://www.soundclick.com/pollyhager
http://www.facebook.com/polly.wilmot
http://www.reverbnation.com/rockcandycincy
You're supposed to be grooving as hard as you can, all of the time. - Stephen Gaskin
Polly Hager (D) #786668 01/11/10 04:27 AM
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sharla Offline OP
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Polly,
thank you so much.
you know I have a hard time singing Rise without crying, I really have to detach my self from the song when I play/sing it, or I just choke up and screw it up..LOL
I think Janet did a great job with the lyrics, made it easy for me to put a melody too.


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #786707 01/11/10 11:51 AM
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Hi Ladies

Very Powerful listen -- Sharla this is a super chorus melody . Nice performance too. jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
Joice Marie #786713 01/11/10 12:49 PM
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ORDINARY GUY: Thank you for listening and, yes Sharla did a great job.

Scott: I enjoy your work and love your voice, so thanks for giving this a listen.

Ken: Thank you so much. Like Scott's work, I admire most of the things you post.

Polly Poo: Thank you for your encourgement and your friendship. I hope to collab with you someday. Don't forget about Nashville.

Joice: Thanks for your comments, I always listen and enjoy your work.

This is the first MP3. Up till now, I've been a lyric only poster, so I feel kinda proud LOL. Thanks to all for your comments.

redwing

Janet Snow #786772 01/11/10 05:25 PM
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sharla Offline OP
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redwing,
and you should! these are powerful lyrics, I have recieved alot of great feedback from other sources besides JPF.


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #786783 01/11/10 07:52 PM
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Good job you two
If I was to find a nit it'd be that line 3--V 2 maybe would have fit it's corresponding line smoother and still got the meaning across if it'd been shortened a little. Maybe like

"()HER MOTHER WALKS THE STREET FOR THE drugs that SHE NEEDS

Sharla worked it in well but had to play with it a little
All JMO
Good song
Wy

Wyman Lloyd (D) #786822 01/11/10 10:37 PM
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Hi Sharla & Red,

What they all said! Very inspirational lyrics, done up right with a powerful guitar/vocal. Well done! Good to hear you back on the forum, Sharla.

Ricki

Ricki E. Bellos #786827 01/11/10 10:44 PM
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I fully agree with everone Janet. A really really great song.

Spot on.

God Bless Roy and Helen


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label
Ricki E. Bellos #786833 01/11/10 10:56 PM
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I love the story, the rhymes, the lyrics, the music, the message, and the hope conveyed. Clever how you bring it all full circle. Wondering if in the last line where you have:

THEY'RE GONNA RISE, CAUSE SHE'S REACHED HER DESTINATION
THEY'RE GONNA RISE, CAUSE SHE'S EARNED APRRECIATION,

If instead of "appreciation" possibly:

They're gonna rise, cause she's earned her reputation smile

Their really not standing in appreciation of the Judge but as a result of her authority in the courtroom, hence her reputation as a Judge.

We do wind up earning our reputation, good or bad.

This is prime for a complentary music video.

I also think if you reach the high notes go even higher in your chorus 3rd Line, first part "she's gonna' rise rise"
on the "she's gonna rise rise (3d line first part of Chorus)

Great work. I'm impressed.

Best,
Lynn smile



My Music at Soundclick
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=788266

~call it a blessing or call it a curse, but I see all of life in verse~

Always open to collaborations smile

God Bless Our Military!!!
sharla #786835 01/11/10 10:58 PM
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Inspirational story song redwing. Sharla puts in a typical great performance. Excellent work you two.

Steve


I'm the only person here who is not unique.
Little_stevie_b #786866 01/12/10 12:34 AM
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Wy....Thanks for coming through, yet again. You were there with me when I was on the Lyric Boards. Thanks!

Ricki....Thank You for giving this a listen, and for commenting.

Lynn....Getting a comment from you is icing on the cake.

Steve....Thank you for the kind words. We worked on this for awhile, so I hope we got it right.

redwing

Janet Snow #786877 01/12/10 01:25 AM
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Wow, really clear take on this one. Powerful lyrics and vocals. Keep up the collaboration--you guys work well together!!

Ricki E. Bellos #786899 01/12/10 03:26 AM
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sharla Offline OP
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Hi Ricki,
yes it's great to be back, and I really love working with redwing, we just hit it off. who knew?? LOL
I had such a crazy december and new years and the next few weeks are going to be really busy, BUT I will be adding my 2 cents here and there as well as posting some more songs that Janet & I have worked on.
good to hear from you! and thank you for the thumbs up on Rise!
sharla


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #786947 01/12/10 12:52 PM
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Thank you so much Dean. I was luckey to find Sharla, and I owe a big Thanks to Brian for creating JPF. I appriciate you listening and commenting.


redwing

sharla #786985 01/12/10 02:32 PM
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I really enjoyed the listening smile Love the natural vibrato in Your voice!!!
Keep up the good work.
All the best
Jan


"You have to react to what's around you in the moment, whatever the music is.
Just think of it as some place you have to enter and you need to find the key."

Jan Petter #787003 01/12/10 03:13 PM
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Great lyrics! At the beginning I thought: "Hm, I wonder where this will lead to". Giving "rise" a second meaning in the end was a smart move. And the whole story is really inspirational - I can imagine being it difficult to sing if you really relate to it while performing.
I have a deep respect for everyone singing just along to a guitar and nothing else (no drums, keys etc.) - you have to be a good singer to do that. The performance is flawless and convincing. One can hear that the singer stands behind what she is singing.
However, I think this would make a great rock-song too, as lyrics and voice are so powerfull!

McLight #787044 01/12/10 05:55 PM
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Hello McLight! Wow all the way from Austria! Thanks for the nice words. As for Rise being a rock song, I could see a band like Cage The Elephant doing it, but right now I'm just simply delighted by Sharla's music and voice. One would hope that this song has an universal appeal. Thanks for commenting.


redwing

Janet Snow #787056 01/12/10 06:30 PM
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Hi Girls,

This is super duper.
Written very well and quite a performance too.
You both should be proud.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Calvin #787099 01/12/10 10:45 PM
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Siamese ladies,
this is a wonderful story. Wonderful tune and performance. Really really like this story and hook. The judge twist is great.

I'd like to hear it on my radio. Do you think you could arrange that?

have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
John Hoffman #787103 01/12/10 11:00 PM
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I love you John Hoffman! I'm trying to grant your wish! Going to pitch it next week. Pray for me OK?

Janet Snow #787195 01/13/10 08:08 AM
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Red,
if I think of it in terms of this song inspiring people to love one another then it is something to pray for.

may God bless us all,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
John Hoffman #787303 01/13/10 06:44 PM
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sharla Offline OP
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Thank you Jan!
I like what you've got going on over there too! maybe someday I will get over that way!
Calvin,
Thank you so much for your support. always appreciate hearing from you!
sharla


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
all songs copywrited.
sharla #787375 01/14/10 12:24 AM
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Ladies, this is a very powerful song. I can understand why Sharla has to divorce herself from the words a bit. It made me tear-up hearing it. I think the chorus melody just makes this. Sharla did a great job matching the words to the music and this is a really honest, conversational lyric. Go girlz! I wish you the best of luck with your pitch.


http://www.reverbnation.com/wendydumond

https://soundcloud.com/#mamby-p

http://www.reverbnation.com/donsechelski

Link for Blackfoot Daisy band


You think I'm just another jive folk singer but I'm a master in the art of criminology..Tom Russell
Wendy D #787390 01/14/10 12:58 AM
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Wendy.....It's comments like yours that provides me encouragment.
Just so you know everything except the last verse is real. I have no doubt that this girl will, someday, RISE. She's in her third year of college, and is more determined than ever to reach her destination. Just thought you would like to know a little background. Sharla and I thank you for your wonderful words.


redwing

Janet Snow #787406 01/14/10 01:39 AM
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Redwing,

When she graduates, this should be played at her ceremony. I hope the social worker is there to celebrate too!


http://www.reverbnation.com/wendydumond

https://soundcloud.com/#mamby-p

http://www.reverbnation.com/donsechelski

Link for Blackfoot Daisy band


You think I'm just another jive folk singer but I'm a master in the art of criminology..Tom Russell
sharla #787409 01/14/10 01:47 AM
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HiDee Mzs Sharla & Janet!

Great Job!/Fine Hook!

I'll proofread & Sug-Away...K-O-S My LadyChums..as I go!

"trailor" is spelled "trailer".
"..the girl's gonna rise" needs that Apostrophe...
"labEled a failure.."
"..by her parents' greed" (Apostrophe/greed is usually Singular.)

Absolutely GREAT Bridge, Gals!!! (I'd Sug "weary" insteada "worn-out" Social Worker.) (& ..."makING sure nobody hurt her")

V3 Last Line Sug: "This time when they call her name...EVERYBODY STANDS"

Might could ADD one more "-TION" Line at the Tail:
"They're gonna rise 'cause she had such DEDICATION"...
(Then That Last Line, perhaps Sung-Softer?)
..."another girl's" needs an Apostrophe too...(Possesive Noun.)

All Outta Nits & Sugs, K-O-S, & Believe Me..This One's GREAT!

Best Wishes & Big CONGRATS, Gals!!!
Stan

#787467 01/14/10 10:28 AM
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Thanks Stan! I was wondering if you had listened. Yeah, proof reading is important, and we posted this before we tweaked anything. Sharla and I both have demanding careers, so what you hear and read is a work tape. Except for minor adjustments, I don't think much will change.

Thank you for pointing out the flaws, and thank you for commenting.

redwing





Janet Snow #787469 01/14/10 11:14 AM
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HI Ladies,

This is a very compelling story. A good job by both of you. A couple of suggestions - keep or sweep:

Somebody in line 1 could be more colorful if it were the Goodwill or her grandma or ???

Self-determination means freedom. You might want to substitute her own determination.

Musically, my ear wants the chorus to resolve to the one chord at the end.

Story wise, it makes me wonder how she did it. Maybe a line of the bridge could explain - scholarship, perfect grades, etc. etc. Takes more than just determination to become a judge from that background.

Good luck with the pitch!!


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


Colin Ward #787490 01/14/10 12:49 PM
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Thanks Colin for the comments. As for "how she made it", well the social worker and a few others helped. Maybe we can clear this up in the video. LOL


redwing

Janet Snow #787684 01/15/10 01:59 AM
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I have been told this story would make a good movie too.
you know a lifetime original movie.. they love these kind of stories.. would that be cool.
got to start pitchin this to movie producers now.


http://www.sharlashore.com

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sharla #787704 01/15/10 03:52 AM
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Hey, thanks to Redwing (Janet) for bringing this to my attention; glad I got to take a listen tonight!

Here's my feedback - I always try to find critiques even when I like the song (which I do!):

* Nice clear-sounding worktape, clear vocals/words
* Room to take this more up-tempo
* Room to make the chorus melody bigger, with peaks on RISE
* "Greeds" - Feel like this rhyme got forced, might be worth grinding this out for as long as it takes to keep the meaning but find a better rhyme without the bad grammar.
* Clear, compelling story, nice pairing of the title and concept!!

Nice work, sounds like a great soundtrack song right now. I can easily envision this getting some tempo and a bigger chorus melody to take it into Carrie Underwood territory. smile

Nice work, maybe squeeze more juice out of it and make it a timeless classic..!

-Ethan

Ethan #787786 01/15/10 01:10 PM
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Ethan....thanks for listening. I knew that your critique would be priceless, so thanks very much.



redwing

Janet Snow #788014 01/16/10 03:14 AM
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Great story and song, powerful stuff redwing! It really gets you to thinking. You both can be proud of this work! smile
-Dave


"No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky." - Bob Dylan

"A song is anything that can walk by itself." - Bob Dylan

Myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/davidjacksonsongwriter

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Drifter #788031 01/16/10 04:51 AM
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I think the point that makes everyone teary eyed is where in the last verse...she's "awaiting trial" and everyone assumes it's "her" that's on trial...then she ends up being the judge, in charge of it all, and everyone is under HER power! Just so AWESOME! It just sends chills up my spine every time! smile


http://www.soundclick.com/pollyhager
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You're supposed to be grooving as hard as you can, all of the time. - Stephen Gaskin
Polly Hager (D) #788109 01/16/10 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Polly Hager
I think the point that makes everyone teary eyed is where in the last verse...she's "awaiting trial" and everyone assumes it's "her" that's on trial...then she ends up being the judge, in charge of it all, and everyone is under HER power! Just so AWESOME! It just sends chills up my spine every time! smile


Yes Polly I agree!
and I have had many comments from people who have said almost the same thing you said.
I love how the song kind of "pulls the rug" from under our thoughts on the last verse.
similar to a movie that has a twist at the end.
the question is, will the "Big Fish" in Nashville be as impressed??


http://www.sharlashore.com

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sharla #788129 01/16/10 04:55 PM
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Great, great song. The story is build up carefully and it's a whole lotta story for just one song! The chorus seems to rise itself so music and lyrics harmonize very well. Sharla's voice is breath-taking in this one.

Just one little thing - the ending sounded kinda abrupt to me. Maybe it's that the song ends with the word "rise" which always makes you - well maybe only me - expect something else to come. Just a thought. :-)

Anyway - great job!!!


Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. (Dale Carnegie)

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Jimmy B. Portland #788298 01/17/10 02:36 PM
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Thanks, Jimmy. We are hoping to get a full demo soon. So we are hoping to make it even more listener friendly. Thanks for taking the time to listen and comment.



redwing

Janet Snow #788336 01/17/10 04:58 PM
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It's pretty well-written, I really like some of your rhymes. One thing this song needs IMO is to whittle it down. There are many places in here where you can whack out one to three words in a line and it will sing BETTER than it currently does. Especially words like the and various prepositions. Less is more. Everything won't sound so jammed in. It's a common thing we all fight but it has to be done. I've taken what I thought was a totally finished lyric and by time I got through with it, I was amazed at how much better it was after a whack job.

The thing you fight here is that there are songs with this very theme. I guess what is different is that this person actually became a judge, so, that's a new angle. But I think the lyric might have missed something crucial -- if it were me, I would work in the word "judge" into this story. As a noun and as a verb. Good luck!

DukeWill #788464 01/18/10 01:54 AM
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wow ! Thank you everyone for the wonderful critiques! ( did I spell that right?)
I am happy to anounce that we have done some " tweeking" to Rise and will be posting a NEW and Improved version early this week.
(the cake is in the oven as we speak!)
keeping fingers crossed!


http://www.sharlashore.com

member ASCAP
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sharla #788690 01/18/10 09:31 PM
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Sharla and Janet (redwing), congratulations on your great song. I enjoyed listening to your demo and I'm sure it will be great with a full production. I agree, your song would be really good in a movie/documentary and it's also good for gigging. Were well written. Thank you for sharing your songs with us.
Nadia


Nadia
Nadia #789174 01/20/10 05:05 PM
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Though I'm in no seat to critique, I 100% agree with Ethan.
Also, I CAN'T GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!!
Excellent job, ladies! smile

Riff Randell #789177 01/20/10 05:16 PM
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Excellent work here Sharla and Janet!!! Well recorded. Great singing. Good message!

Best, John smile

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Riff......welcome and thanks for the comments. Hope you won't be able to get it out of your head for awhile LOL.


John....we are honered that you noticed, and that you commented.
I've been a fan of yours for awhilo. I would love for you to come back and listen to the full treatment of our song. It should be up later today. Thank you so much for listening

redwing

Janet Snow #789188 01/20/10 05:39 PM
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Hi Guys,
WOW.....just....wow!
yerz, Ellen

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