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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 117
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 117 |
Hello all! I haven't posted for a while, because when I was here before I realized I knew nothing about songwriting. So, I took a break to read three books on the basics (like, "what is a bridge?") and here is a silly,non-commercial love song:
Candy Heart
by Pam Bowen
On Valentine's I bought you The largest heart they ship, But you threw it in the garbage To keep it off your hips.
That should have told me, honey Your heart was something harmful Like biting into marzipan, Thinking that it's car'mel.
CHORUS: THOUGH FORREST GUMP SEEMED STUPID, HE DID SAY ONE THING SMART: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTIN' WHEN YOU BUY A CANDY HEART.
I hoped that you'd be sweet Just like a coffee cream, But you're full of spite and envy Like a gossip magazine.
I thought you'd be unselfish Like a chocolate peanut cluster, But, baby, you turned out to be A real ball buster.
CHORUS REPEAT
BRIDGE: A heart in shiny velvet may promise something sweet, But when it turns out sour, better beat a swift retreat.
CHORUS REPEAT
© 2009 Pamella M. Bowen
a portfolio of my other writing is at: pambowen.wordpress.com
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
G'Mornin' Mz Pam!
Not a Bad Start!!!
(&..unlike So Many..you DID actually "Read-Up" on Songwriting!!! Saves ya EONS of Bad Starts, JMO!) Tho it's a bit "dated" nowadaze, I still recommend Sheila Davis' "The Craft of Lyric Writing"..it's Quite a Tome/VERY Inspirational.
I wonder How Many of "Today's Songwriters" even know what "Anaphora" is..tho it's as old as the hills! (& "Parallelism" is in her very Next Paragraph, too!) Both make for GREAT Song-Crafting!
I see a lotta FUN you're having here in this one! I'd sug "tossed" insteada "threw"..."munching" insteada "biting"..."Hoping" insteada "Thinking".
Chorus Sug: "You never know WHAT YOU'RE BITING-OFF"
Next Verse: "Bon-bon" insteada "coffee"..."But you OOZE more spite & envy/Than any gossip magazine"
Last'n: "Thought you'd be smooth & nutty/ Like a peanut butter cluster/ But like a Gumball you turned out/ {or "Into"} To be a Real Chops-Buster!" {Shed "To be"}
Your Bridge is maybe a "5.1" on the Richter Scale of Comedy....hmm...lemmie Mess-Wit-It to getcha closer to a "10":
"I was hopin' that Candy Heart would make All Our Dreams Complete/ But NOW my plans are in-the-can, It's Time To Beat Retreat!"
Here's a 2-Verses & Out Sug:
"So..I went back shopping/ Back to the Liquor Store/ Bought a Bottle of Mo-et/ '1944'...
Cost me a Small Fortune/ But the Champagne DID its part:/ Your Smile WON'T Kill..WHEN You're Real Booze-Filled/ Like The Perfect..Candy..Heart!"
Keep or Sweepit...I had a lotta fun with this'n'... Good Luck with it, & Best Wishes, Stan
Last edited by "TampaStan" Good; 01/04/10 03:58 PM.
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 117
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 117 |
Hi, Stan! I used Sheila Davis' Successful Lyric Writing, and this song actually sprang from one of the assignments in that workbook. I found it very inspiring and encouraging. Yes, it is a bit dated, but I liked her attitude: write for the joy of it, not to please some strict requirement. Since I am a hobbyist, that fits me to a T. I am so glad you had fun messing around with the song. Most of my songs are humorous, and I know you have a great sense of humor. I am working on one now about being raised in a So. Calif suburb, comparing it to being raised in the country. If i put that one up, feel free to tweak away!
a portfolio of my other writing is at: pambowen.wordpress.com
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