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#771531 - 11/19/09 09:46 PM Pieces of My Heart  
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NaomiSue Offline
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Pieces Of My Heart

Pieces of my heart Version 2

Version 3
The pieces of my heart
© 2009 Gary Waters/Naomi Montgomery

Verse 1
She gathered the pieces throughout the years
From their wedding day and the honeymoon
One for each time they walked hand in hand
And too many to count from their bedroom

Chorus
But now she's losing the pieces
With every tear that falls
She's losing him piece by piece
And when he's all but gone
She'll leave the pieces by the bed
With a simple note that says
"Here's what's left of my heart, It's all but gone"

Verse 2
There's been too many times she's lied to her friends
When she smiles and says they're doing just fine
And all those cold winter nights waiting all alone
With a jigsaw puzzle to pass the time

Chorus
But now she's losing the pieces
With every tear that falls
She's losing him piece by piece
And when he's all but gone
She'll leave the pieces by the bed
With a simple note that says
"Here's what's left of my heart, It's all but gone"

Bridge
She threw a glass against the wall
Pushed the puzzle on the floor
Then packed up all her things
And walked on out the door

Chorus
But now she lost the pieces
With every tear that fell
She lost him piece by piece
Now she's going through hell
She left the pieces by the bed
With a simple note that said
"Here's what's left of my heart, Now it's all gone"

Last edited by NaomiSue; 11/24/09 08:56 PM.

I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#771549 - 11/19/09 10:31 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Kevin Emmrich Online content
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"But now she's losing the pieces": It was worth the wait to hear you you sing that line. Excellent start to the chorus.

If this is the music you want to go with, the verses probably need to be restructured. The main problem, for me, is the distance between the rhymes "honeymoon and bedroom" in verse 1 and "fine and time" in verse 2. I just can't hear the rhyme. With a slow song like this you may want to sneak in some internal rhymes/alliterations to flow the images around and/or go to an AABB rhyme scheme.

I tried to come up with some concrete suggestions, but I was ending up re-writing the verses completely -- which is what I would suggest doing.

Good luck on it, I think it has tons o' promise.

Kevin


"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#771552 - 11/19/09 10:34 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Naomi, I really loved this. You did a good job, girl! This is a really soulful song for such a young woman to write. The melody was lovely, and you sang and played it well. Vocally, it sounds like your "sweet spot" is when you sing the chorus. I just learned about that myself, recording with Larry. I have trouble with lower notes (and ones that are way too high...I have no falsetto). This was a nice listen. smile


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#771554 - 11/19/09 10:40 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Polly Hager]  
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Thanks Kevin for the feedback I will sit down with the lyrics again and see what I can come up with.

Ms. Polly Gary wrote this song I saw some of his stuff in the lyric forums and loved what he had written and pm'd him to see if he had anything from a female POV he wanted worked up. And this song is what he sent back. Thank you for the compliments. I myself have trouble with lower notes, lol.

Thank you both for listening.


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#771591 - 11/20/09 12:20 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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gkwaters Offline
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Kevin,

Good suggestions. I like the melody Naomi put to this one but you might be right on the duration between the rhymes. We'll keep it in mind as we try and work the kinks out of this one.

Gary



#771694 - 11/20/09 11:28 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: gkwaters]  
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Bump


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#771757 - 11/20/09 03:40 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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NaomiSue Offline
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added a second version


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#771778 - 11/20/09 05:21 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Hi Naomi. I like the 2nd version of the lyrics better. :)For the rhymes... I would consider repeating the last line, with a tag..as it ends too abruptly. (jmho)

I have a slight suggie on the lyric but it seems that you didnt write it? So I dont want to step on toes...if the co-writer wants my slight suggie, pm me ok?

I like the melody of it, and your voice, perhaps a bit more of a change up on the bridge...make the music almost stop there..and maybe even speak/talk that part..then go back in the music...just an idea..to add emphasis to the moment...but very nice job in deed!!! Proud of you gal....you are coming along with that guitar too.:)

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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#771786 - 11/20/09 05:54 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: KimberlyinNC]  
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Kevin Emmrich Online content
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Story wise, I see that when she is "gathering the pieces of heart" -- that's good and when she is losing the pieces -- that's bad. If this is true, then version 2 with "tears" seems to work against that. The rhymes are still too far away, it seems. Here's is one idea that maybe can help you. It is not intended to be the actual verse (doesn't sound that good to me, LOL!), but maybe it will help you decide what to do.

She gathered the pieces throughout the years
From the walks and the talks that chased away fears
from the honeymoon to the bedroom,
now she feels it is all ending too soon

Kevin





"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#771790 - 11/20/09 06:21 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Kevin Emmrich]  
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we have another version I'll post a little bit later I think it will work A LOT better its more along the lines of what you're saying Kevin. Thanks for the input on it.

Kim I see what you're saying on the bridge maybe I can work something out.

Thanks both of you for listening.


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#771825 - 11/20/09 09:06 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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gkwaters Offline
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Thanks Kevin and Kimberly,

Kim - I sent you a PM.

Gary


#771830 - 11/20/09 09:34 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: gkwaters]  
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glynda Offline
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Princeton Texas
Hi, Naomi and Gary, well I like this and you sang and played well. Enjoyed it...glyn

#771888 - 11/21/09 01:35 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: glynda]  
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Thanks Glynda I'm glad you enjoyed it, always look forward to your kind comments. Hope all is well.

Naomi Sue

Last edited by NaomiSue; 11/21/09 01:35 AM.

I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#771978 - 11/21/09 10:24 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Joice Marie Offline
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Hi Naomi

This is coming along nicely and so is your playing ; )

I like what you are doing vocally on the move from the last line of the verse to the chorus --- and the 2nd line of the chorus 1st time through on 'fall'

the chord that you change to on the 'heart' ( going into the last line of the chorus) is not as pleasing with the notes that you are singing there --- so if you are still experimenting play with that a bit..

Also I feel that the more trimming of words that you do the better - it will allow you to articulate the words more and give room for the lovely quavers that you are naturally inclined to do.

Best wishes. jm


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#772009 - 11/21/09 12:52 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Well Young Lady, another great song, I could listen to you sing all day ... Your guitar is sounding very good ..
very nice work ...

great hook on your song, just a little smoothing on the phrasing when singing ... beautiful song

Love always
Dan


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#772208 - 11/22/09 12:13 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Dan O'Connell]  
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Thank you JM I'll be recording sometime tomorrow and will make the needed changes, thank you for taking the time to listen.

Dan lol we might make quite the pair cause I'll sing for anyone who'll listen. I've been practicing more with the guitar that's the only way I'm going to get to the level I want to be at. Thank you for the great compliments.


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#772215 - 11/22/09 12:37 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Denmark
I had to listen more than one time to get was is under the surface. Great talent.
Many helpful suggestions for improvements but most importened...
You've got a golden voice with a big potential.
Ken

#772220 - 11/22/09 01:07 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Ken Damkier]  
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Thank you Ken coming from someone I consider myself to be a fan of that means a lot. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Naomi Sue


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#772224 - 11/22/09 01:37 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Hi Naomi Sue,

Very cool imagery in the chorus. That really sells the song for me. I'd rethink the ending, it's a bit abrupt. Nice one.

Ricki

#772300 - 11/22/09 01:45 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
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Thanks Ricki, I'm working up a new version with a tag at the end so its not so sudden. I hope to have it up by the beginning of the week. Thanks for listening.

Naomi Sue


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#772666 - 11/23/09 03:54 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Wendy D Offline
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Hey Naomi,

I don't think I've posted on one of yours before. You have a beautiful voice and I think you've come-up with a good match for this lyric melody-wise. I think maybe a bit more variation musically on the bridge would help your music, but it sounds pretty close to being finished otherwise. Also, I think this lyric could be stronger. I like the puzzle metaphor but I think the focus could be used differently. The potential of this metaphor seems a bit unrealized to me in the current version. It seems to be a "broken" relationship kind of song, rather than a "pieces missing" idea. Just my thoughts. They aren't worth much, so keep or sweep as they say.


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#773143 - 11/24/09 08:58 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Wendy D]  
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Alright guys new version up so I'm bumping, I know you're probably tired of hearing me sing this one but the lyrics have been changed up quite a bit. Let us know what you think.

Verse 1
She's gathered the pieces throughout the years
For Ev'ry time he called her darling and dear
Some from their wedding day and the honeymoon
And too many to count from the bedroom

Chorus
But she's losing him piece by piece
with every tear that falls
and when it's all done
he'll be all but gone

Verse 2
There's too many times she's lied to her friends
Cause deep down inside she knows it's the end
She smiles and says they're doing just fine
As she sits all alone drinking her wine

Chorus
But she's losing him piece by piece
with every tear that falls
and when it's all done
he'll be all but gone

Bridge
She left the pieces by the bed
With a simple note that said
"Here's what's left of my heart, Now it's all gone"

Chorus
Now she's lost him piece by piece
With every tear that fell
Now that its all done
she's going through hell


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#773152 - 11/24/09 09:13 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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KimberlyinNC Offline
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I am looking forward to hearing it..:)

Kim


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
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#773161 - 11/24/09 09:36 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: KimberlyinNC]  
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NaomiSue Offline
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NaomiSue  Offline
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I have it posted the link is on the original post Version 3 http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewtrack.php?trackid=75860

There it is again though so no one has to scroll.


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#773315 - 11/25/09 01:09 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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NaomiSue Offline
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NaomiSue  Offline
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bump again need feedback on the third version
http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewtrack.php?trackid=75860


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#773340 - 11/25/09 02:13 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Two Singers Offline
Two Singers  Offline

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Joined: Feb 2001
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Northern Alabama
Naomi,

Just took a listen. Will get back to you a little later. Something just came up and I hafta run for a little while. Very quickly, though, it sounded pretty darned good!

Alan

#773345 - 11/25/09 02:46 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Two Singers]  
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Ulliel Offline
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Ulliel  Offline
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Prague, CR
Naomi, I think it sounds great. I like it most when songs are not polished to perfection, and when there's a raw quality in the voice.


Play.
#773390 - 11/25/09 04:55 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Ulliel]  
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NaomiSue Offline
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NaomiSue  Offline
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Thanks Al, no rush, hope everything is okay.

Shlomi thanks for the compliment I think there is a little bit of final editing to be done but after that I think it will be finished. Thanks for listening.

Naomi Sue


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#773452 - 11/25/09 08:10 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Caroline Offline
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Caroline  Offline
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Posts: 3,865
Texas
Hey lady,
Ok, I can't listen right now, but when reading through I see the chorus in both stands out to me. The verses, in either are working as they are, but that chorus...hmmmm.
I kept wanting to read it as (and keep in mind, I haven't had a chance to listen, so I could be way off)KOS

With every tear that falls
She hears the pieces call
As her heart shatters a little more
She gathers up her things
Leaves her ring on the note written in ash on the floor,
She says...
Nothing can put back together what has now been torn apart
All that's left, are pieces of my heart

Or something to that effect. It was difficult to make a sugg since I had written one similar last year, still needs tweaking, but its very different from this. However, after reading this, I now know better where mine should go, no, not the same place, you just inspired me to fix and finish it.
Anyway...I didn't read the other suggs so you probably already have your ideas in line, this is just a sugg, from me to you, really ebjoyed reading through this, can't wait to listen.


Caroline


http://www.myspace.com/carolineholder
http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
#773795 - 11/26/09 10:46 PM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
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Tricia Baker Offline
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Tricia Baker  Offline
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Posts: 8,318
Greenwood, LA USA
Just one suggestion.

But she's losing him piece by piece
with every tear that falls
when THE FIGHTIN'S done
he'll be all but gone


"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
#773812 - 11/27/09 12:55 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Tricia Baker]  
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NaomiSue Offline
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NaomiSue  Offline
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Hey Caroline thanks for stopping by we shortened the chorus down to just four lines now. Felt that for such a slow song that it was just to long. Thanks for the suggestions.

Tricia I like the change you made. I'll run it by Gary and get his take on it. But I think it works well. Thanks for listening!

Naomi Sue


I do custom myspace pages! Check out my work http://www.myspace.com/naomisuemontgomery and http://www.myspace.com/nashvilleapril email me at nmontgomery1984@yahoo.com for mor info or message me on JPF!
#773949 - 11/27/09 11:07 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: NaomiSue]  
Joined: Oct 2007
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Caroline Offline
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Caroline  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,865
Texas
I figured I would be off, but until I can listen, it wouldn't have really been helpful anyway, lol! Maybe I can hear this today, it reads like it will sound so good, so I really want to hear it.
Anyway, its always good to know that there is gonna be something new and great to listen to, so I'm going to go boot up my pc and see if its gonna cooperate today.



Caroline


http://www.myspace.com/carolineholder
http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
#773957 - 11/27/09 11:28 AM Re: Pieces of My Heart [Re: Caroline]  
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Dan O'Connell Offline
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Dan O'Connell  Offline
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I said before and will again
it is awesome Naomi ... a great job as usual

keep em coming my friend

Dan


http://www.soundclick.com/danoconnell
A Purveyor of Folk Music

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