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#77040 03/24/02 04:46 PM
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Hi All,
Been sitting on the chorus for a month or more. The rest is fresh.
Not happy with a couple of spots but I thought I'd post anyway.

OVER YOU
© 2002 Elizabeth Marquez
Verse
Wanting what I thought you could be has distorted my view
It makes me wonder why I ever fell in love with you.
Too stubborn to give up the thought this isn’t meant to be
And too afraid to live alone or to see your presence leave

Build
But As I sit here now, I ask myself

Chorus
How many times will you break my heart?
Before I stop loving you
How many tears will I have to cry?
Before I realize that we’re through
How many nights will I sit alone?
Before I know what to do

This is the last night baby
The last night baby...I cry over you

Verse
Now you want the very thing you always thought you’d keep
The funny thing is I almost gave it all to you cheap
Not until the fog lifted and I opened up my eyes
Did I realize how long I’d been taken in by you're disguise

Build
I sit here now and ask myself

Chorus
How many times did you break my heart?
Before I stopped loving you
How many tears did I have to cry?
Before I realized we were through
How many nights did I sit alone?
Before I knew what to do

That was the last night baby
The last night baby...I cry over you

Build
Looking back over it now
It was silly to think about

Chorus
How many times did you break my heart?
Before I stopped loving you
How many tears did I have to cry?
Before I realized we were through
How many nights did I sit alone?
Before I knew what to do

That was the last night baby
The last night baby...I cry over you
Tag
The last night baby...I cry over you


------------------
http://angelfire.com/amiga/riassonglyrics



[This message has been edited by Elizabeth (edited 03-24-2002).]

#77041 03/24/02 06:46 PM
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Hi Elizabeth,

See what you ment. Same old story. I had trouble with line one and three of V-1, but
this looks like a good start.

Wanting what I thought you could be has distorted my view. or maybe,
Wishful thinking of you changing, had distorted my view.
Too stubborn to give up HOPE, KNOWING this isn’t meant to be.

Good Luck
Bill


[This message has been edited by Lost (edited 03-24-2002).]


Drop by and listen to.. My Music ..when you have a chance.
#77042 03/24/02 07:32 PM
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Hi, Ria. I like your chorus alot except for the word pine. Doesn't quite have the emotional oomph you need, I don't think. Sounds a little too old-fashioned, to me. Wish I had a replacement to offer, but I dont' right now. In V1, line 1 reads rough to me. And "distorted" - hmmmm, too scientific sounding. [Linked Image] Also, "see your presence leave" sounds a bit formal. A bigger problem I see, though, is that you say "I realize I'm not in love with you", but then your first chorus says "How many times will you break my heart before I stop loving you?". A bit of a contradiction, there, that I think you'll have to clear up. In V2, line 1 doesn't seem quite right. I think I understand what you mean - that he figured no matter how he treated her, she'd always be there. But it comes across a little funny, IMO. Seems like it should say that now he wants what he never cared about before, or something. I'm not a big stickler on rhymes, but wool/fool might be stretching it. I guess you'll have to hear how it sounds when it's sung. Seems like a lot of nits, but they would be easy fixes for the most part. I really do think it's a good start. Hope I could help.

Erica

#77043 03/24/02 10:19 PM
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Hey girl, all we can give is our own thoughts and then someone will give theres for ours! ha ! but....I heard.."How many tears will have to drop...in the cho.
if you don't think so then.. hey...it is your song. You know whats in your head.

#77044 03/24/02 10:33 PM
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Short and sweet this one Ria cos i am stil waking up0 but in the first verse she knows she don't love him then in the chorus asks how long before she stops loving him?????
Or should I switch to coffee insyead of tea?
Regards.
Graham


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http://artists3.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/

#77045 03/24/02 10:46 PM
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Hi Erica and Graham,
You're right, I see that too about loving him and not loving him. I'm going to do some edits. I also had something other than pine and changed it.
Hi Bill,
I'll see waht I can do.
Hi clbun,
What about How many tears have to fall?
good thing about posting is you get so many great ideas from others.
P.S.
What is your name? I feel silly cally you clbun [Linked Image]

Thanks all
Ria


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http://angelfire.com/amiga/riassonglyrics

#77046 03/24/02 10:51 PM
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HI Ria!

Good One In-the-Making, Gal!

Thoughts as I went along the way:

Verse One:

First Line YEARNS for some sort of Simplification, YET seems to Work!
2 & 3 are fine, by me....
4th:"YET too afraid to live alone or (to--delete) see your presene leave"
Build: Fine
Chorus:
Verse 2: Delete "That" in Line 4

Consider One Line for "This is the LAST Night, Baby....I Cry Over You!" (& forget about "Pine"....it's a pretty dated term.

Verse 2: Consider: "...all to you TOO Cheap" (Yearns for that Extra Syllable, it does!)
Last Line: ...taken FOR a Fool.

The TAG, I'd just Repeat "The LAST NIGHT BABY, I Cry Over You."

Cool Job!

"KUDOS" when ya Rewrite it!
Big Hugs,
Stan

#77047 03/24/02 10:57 PM
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Hi Stan,
I was in the process of editing when you responded. I ended up getting rid of the wool/fool line. I will keep both versions. I knew it needed some work.

I play with them so long that I need to either post it or leave it alone for a while before I do anything with it.

Take care and thanks for the almost KUDOS
Ria

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http://angelfire.com/amiga/riassonglyrics

#77048 03/25/02 01:32 AM
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Sista,

Looks pretty well picked to me. I like Stan`s idea for too cheap...seems to yearn for that extra silly...(for me to make it flow smooth anyway.) But then you know I don`t sing well anyway! Other than that, it`s pretty sharp. DanoBro. [Linked Image]

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www.angelfire.com/music3/danolyrics

#77049 03/25/02 07:27 PM
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Ria,
Popping you back up for maybe some more ideas...I know this is a common question that many people think about to themselves...so that makes it a commercial idea. The prescence stopped me too...like some of the ideas you've received!
Pam

#77050 03/25/02 08:39 PM
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Hi Ria,

I thought the lyrics flow very nicely.
My only nit is verse 1, 3rd and 4th line.
This is my own personal idea of course.


I know you want to be free
on life's journey without me

Clairejeanne

#77051 03/26/02 12:34 AM
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Dano, Pam, and Claire,
Thanks for stopping in, I have some great suggestions. If I ever get to do some music to it, Im sure all the trouble spots will be taken care of.

Take Care
Ria

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http://angelfire.com/amiga/riassonglyrics

#77052 03/26/02 01:16 AM
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This is nice Ria. Good hook and the verses are full of emotion. I agree with most of what Stan had to nitpick...and didn't see anything else needing a change. Good work!

Corey

#77053 03/26/02 10:19 PM
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Thanks Corey,
I agree, Stan had some great ideas. I wont repost, just rewrite some spots and wait for music. May have the guys here tonight so I'll see if we can start some new music.
Take Care,
Ria

PS
I went to your site and then to Nason's... HOW CUTE!! (I mean Nason [Linked Image] )


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http://angelfire.com/amiga/riassonglyrics

#77054 03/26/02 11:10 PM
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Sistah Ria!

Sometimes you just gotta forge ahead with it and let it come together in the rewrites. It can be easier if you have at lease something to work from... [Linked Image]

Okay - the first thing that hit me is the build isn't necessary. You can go right to it:

...And too afraid to live alone
Or to see your presence leave

How many times will you break my heart?
Before I stop loving you
How many tears will I have to cry?
Before I realize that we’re through
How many nights will I sit alone?
Before I know what to do


It seems like you're using it primarily to set up the final build where you say:

Looking back over it now
It was silly to think about


Expand these two lines and this can work into an effective bridge. It is a revelation on the part of the singer and belongs in a bridge.

Now - check this out and see what you think...

How many nights will I sit alone?
Before I know what to do
How many times will you break my heart?
Before I realize that we’re through
How many tears will I have to cry?
Before I stop loving you
Before I stop loving you


Or you could end it with the "This is the last night baby..." lines. Works either way.

Hmmmm...okay - one last thing in the chorus. "...will I sit alone?" You can inject a little more meaning by using a word like "suffer" rather than "sit". "Sit" is actually being used as a modifier here, so why not try out some words that pack more meaning?

Verses...

Wanting what I thought you could be
Has distorted my view
It makes me wonder why I ever
Fell in love with you.
Too stubborn to give up
The thought this isn’t meant to be
And too afraid to live alone
Or to see your presence leave

Breaking up the lines a little like this makes it easier for me to see where line breaks might occur. It also helps punctuate separate and distinct ideas. That just might be me though... [Linked Image]

Closer look:

Wanting what I thought you could be
Has distorted my view
First time I saw this line, I thought I was seeing things. It's just not going to work! BUT as I get a little more used to it, I like it better than any other way you could say it...

It makes me wonder why I ever
Fell in love with you.
Too stubborn to give up
Even though this isn’t meant to be

'even though' follows from 'too stubborn' as a logical extension of the thought...

I'm too afraid to live alone
Or see your presence leave

"to" isn't needed in the last line because it's in the previous line and followed by an "or". You could say "I'm" in the previous line instead of 'And' to make it a little more immediate.

Let's do the last one...

Now you want the very thing
You always thought you’d keep
The funny thing is I almost
Gave it all to you cheap

Not until the fog lifted
And I opened up my eyes
Did I realize how long I’d been
Taken in by you're disguise

The "not until/did" sequence kind of bothers me... I think you could say:

"BUT NOW the fog has lifted
I've opened up my eyes
I realize how long I've been
Taken in by your disguise"


These are all pretty small changes I'd make Ria. Basically I've just suggested expanding your last build into a bridge - removing the other builds and altering a few words for the sake of meter and phrasing...

Jeez...why didn't I just say THAT! What a blowhard I am sometimes...lol

Good job overall IMHO and best of luck in all things great and small.

hobes

[This message has been edited by Hobart (edited 03-26-2002).]


hobes

"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
#77055 03/26/02 11:13 PM
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I meant to EDIT the above post, but I quoted it instead. Since I can't delete the damn thing - (which I think is really a shame...I should be able to delete my OWN posts..) - I'll just spout some nonsense here...

hobes

[This message has been edited by Hobart (edited 03-26-2002).]


hobes

"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
#77056 03/26/02 11:19 PM
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Wow Bob!!!
I love it when you stop by!
Thanks for the wonderful critique.
I will cut and paste it and use it.

Oh... I heard you were coming in June. I am so excited! Now we just need to get Stevie to come and the whole family will be there. Tink and I may have to kidnap him on our way. We'll be driving right by his town.

Hasta Luego mi amigo.
Ria

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#77057 03/26/02 11:40 PM
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I'm gonna make myself look real smart and just say, "Ditto what Bob said."

Actually, I was all set to do the tinkering, even had your words copied and I stumbled onto Hobes' critique and I thought to myself, "WOW! THAT'S how to critique!" I'm just not really good at trying to explain myself, and find it easier just to offer alternative suggestions. But, I feel you learn so much more when you get a critique like Bob's and "forge ahead" in the rewrites. You've got some great lines here, but although I know you're getting REALLY great with the condensing and economizing, I still feel there's some unnecessary words. But, I know you'll find them.

Great start!!
[Linked Image] Tink
p.s. But... if'n ya want me to tinker, I'd do that, too!

p.p.s. YEH!! Let's do the kidnap thing!!! I can't wait to get us all together!!


The Artist formerly known as TINK ;\)

I write so I can breathe...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=29337

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