Thanks to everyone for their help.

recording coming soon with revised lyrics

godbless

Roy

Nice rhyming and storyline :-)

Love the story. It's very moving. The rhyming is good.
I feel the chorus is too long, however, and yes, it needs to be repeated a couple of times. I'd also recommend changing the meter of the chorus, as it sounds like another verse. The lyric also needs a bridge. One of the verses could be converted for this purpose.

Tightening overall (e.g. losing some lines) would help improve the impact factor as well.

There's a little confusion when in verse 3 we're suddenly introduced to the child just being born. I'd like to have this happening earlier in the song. Or just re-word the first line.

I'll see whether I can come up with any tweaking suggestions. If so, I'll get back to you.

Donna

UPDATE: Sent privately.

Thanks DonnaMarilyn for your comments. I did actually agree with you on lots and have made some changes.
I split the chorus in two and used half of it with changes as a bridge. not sure if it works but I feel its better.
I also moved the being born verse up. That always did worry me but I guess that sometimes it needs someone else to mention somthing to take action hehe.

Thanks for the help.

Roy

Thanks sparrow.. I made some changes. I hope that you still like it Roy

You're welcome, Roy. Whenever I revise (which is all the time! ) I find that often the suggestions I get aren't what I'll use specifically, but they generate other ideas that work well or better. Either way, it's all good.

In the meantime, here's another bridge that came to mind.

UPDATE: Sent privately.

With a bridge, it's important that it extends the story somehow, either adding more information or poignancy/extra meaning.

In the meantime, the revised lyric is looking better.
Perhaps others will comment as well.

Donna

Yep some good ideas...
I will play around and see...

If I keep it more or less the way is is, it doesnt mean
I value your ideas any less. Just that I can be a stubbon old git. hehe may change some though


thanks Roy

Good writing Roy,
You've already had some good suggestions
That's a lot of words. I expect in the genre it'd fall into, that might work though..
You might consider trying to move the chorus up some .Even two 8 line verses before the chorus is often considered too much---As they say, Don't bore us, get to the chorus. The chorus is the showpiece in a V--C song and usually makes or breaks it. It needs to "Stand out" as mentioned.
Nevertheless,it's your song. We just make suggestions
Write on
Wy

Thanks Wy. good idea. I have just added the chorus after the first verse. It does fit there but not between the 2nd and third verses. It's now VCVVCVBC. I DONT KNOW IF THAT NORMAL BUT FOR ME ITS THE ONLY WAY WITH THE FLOW OF THE WORDS.

Thanks again Roy

This would be the right song for one to expand their horizons with. My own dad was the typical organization man of the postwar era, one which many alive today still feel was the best of times. My parents did their best but ours was the generation that rebelled so vehemently during our youth, but later began to realize that they may have been right after all.

Peace,
Brian