Note: I have been rewriting the lyric after recording

JPF'ers,

This is from today. Not sure about anything.. I actually wanted to write something completely different, but this is what the muse said!

I'd appeciate any comment or input you may think of..

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8128171

© 2009 Magne Kolstad

ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS

She's a butterfly girl
In a rainbow dress
Serves each table
With her hair in a mess
But she makes sure
everyone will feel at home

She makes coffee and eggs
For the early birds
Dreaming one day
She can show the world
The beauty of her wings
and that she can really make it

She's that ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS
Everyday is like a story of new faces
She'll color your day
with her wings of grace
Tells you a joke
and puts a smile on your face
That's the reason why she's hangin' round these places
She's that ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS

She dreams of being free
And to see the world
Find true love
And be a happy girl
Doesn't care how he looks
as long as she doesn't break him

She's that ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS
Everyday is like a story of new faces
She'll color your day
with her wings of grace
Tells you a joke
and puts a smile on your face
That's the reason why she's hangin' round these places
She's that ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS

She's lookin' each day for that special guy
Wishing black coffee could show her how
But she doesn't have time to try
Still she's hoping one day, someone will say

You're my ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS
Everyday's been a story of new faces
But you color my day
with your wings of grace
Tell me a joke
and put a smile on my face
You're the reason why I hang around these places
You're my ONCE UPON A TIME WAITRESS

Mags,

I haven't listened to the music yet...wanted to go over the lyric first.

This is pretty darn good....only thing I stumbled over in the lyric is the use of LIFETIME in line 7 of the chorus.

Maybe something like...THAT'S HOW SHE'S BUILT A LIFE IN LOW PLACES....anyway....to avoid using Lifetime before the whole hookline. And something about the bridge doesn't flow right...in the lyric anyway....maybe it's the r.scheme.

That's about it....maybe we need to hear more about the guy who suddenly appears in the last chorus, though...maybe.

KOS....just trying to help...Doesn't need much, though.

Jan

G'Mornin' Magne,
Dude, I have been waiting on tables since 1978!!! I'd like to think I bring that bit of grace and sunshine to my customers!

I really like this song of yerz.....your vocals and playin' lend themselves perfectly here.

I do hear something else in the chorus though...and here's what it is:(I'm playin' this on an un-capoed guitar in G)

She's that (C)ONCE IN A (D)LIFETIME (G)WAITRESS
(C)Everyday is like a (D)lifetime of new (G)faces
(C)She'll color your day
with her (D)wings of grace
(G)Sends you a smile
and remembers your (Em)face
(C)That's how she's made a lifetime in low (D)places
She's that (C)ONCE IN A (D)LIFETIME (G)WAITRESS

jus' my two cents an all....it's really lovely the way it is too!

yerz, Ellen

Magne,
Good one melodically and the feel is really nice.
I think you could refine the message a bit. Perhaps the singer could be a customer wanting to be her once in a lifetime customer (how lame is that). But what I am trying to say it would be nice if the story had an arc. Not that something has to happen but you could just reveal more that would fill out the story.

I like it alot though.

Tom

There's lots of really nice stuff happening in the lyrics. My biggest problem with it was the chorus. I'm not sure what you mean by a "once in a lifetime waitress" - I can guess but there's not a lot of info to go on. You've got a really nice voice. It's sincere in it's delivery. I'd love to hear you singing something like "Daisy A Day" by Judd Strunk. I also think the bridge in the song that starts with "She's waiting each day for that special guy" should be introduced earlier. It's like we found out what she was doing ("waiting for that special guy") at the end of the song. For me, I would have prefered to know at the end of the song that something more important or dramatic was happening that she, perhaps, will be waiting for the rest of her life for that "special guy" to come along. It would make a better connect to the chorus' "lifetime". All in all, I enjoyed it as a "package". Lines like, "She makes coffee and eggs For the early birds", are perfect because "early bird breakfasts" connect with a lot of people. It's familiar. A few more references like that would help the song. Things like the menu on the table or the napkins being folded, spoons being cleaned, the tables being set, a dollar in change left behind on the counter or watching the clock on the wall can help keep the listener within the confines of the restaurant or diner where she works and where she wishes to escape from. Right now, the song deals mostly with whimsical visions of her being a butterfly in a rainbow dress, dreaming of being free and the beauty of her wings. It's just that your description of her is either a bit over-stated or is spread too far throughout the song. The fragility of her life could probably be summed up in the opening verse or maybe even the opening two lines. Anyway, everything is meant in a constructive way. I still really enjoyed the song. I listened to it three times.


Good luck with it!

Thanks Janice,

I love it when you praise my lyrics.. coming from you makes that very speacial for me!

Great sug!

TTYL

Hi Ellen,

Thanks for taking time to all listen, comment and suggest!

I just played your idea, and it sounds really good too. Will definately consider those changes if I decide to work more on this, Ellen. After all, this is for you and all the time you've worked.. I just love cafés and diners and 'low' places, like that (that line might have to go)

Thanks a bunch!

Hi Tom,

Thanks for listening and your thoughts!

Yes, I need arc! Good thinking there, and Im with you on the refinement. I think the chorus could improve, but perhaps the arc can deliver something..

Hi Duncan,

Thanks for all the effort you put into listening, commenting and suggesting. I appreciate it a lot!

Im with you on moving the storyline to start from where she's looking for that special guy. That would leave room for a development of some kind, and not just the changing chorus I got now.

Great ideas, Duncan - I'll take'em to heart! I enjoy your own writing a lot, and where I come from, three plays of my song, makes it a HIT

Hi Magne,

THIS is BEAUTIFUL

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hard not to like this tune. The music is understated but great, the singing is fine and I like the lyrics a lot.

Musically, I would bump up the bottom. A bowed or plucked bass, or a cello would be nice. I'd also bring up the slide a notch.

Lyrically, it is quite good, but there a couple of things to mention. "Early Bird" to me means the older folks in Florida going to dinner at 5pm to catch the cheaper "early bird" specials (ha, ha) -- but there's no reason to change it here, it works just fine.

"as long as she doesn't hate it" -- to me this line seems too passive (even though hate is a strong word). Maybe "as long as it doesn't break her" or something like that.

"That's how she's made a lifetime in low places" I would find a whole new line for this one. You use "lifetime" and it reminds one of "Friends in Low Places". In this context it just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe "That's how she's made it to this time and place" (OK, that's pretty weak -- I'll leave it to you).

Pretty good tune you got going on here.

Kevin

Hi Calvin,

Thanks for taking time to listen and comment!

I've been rewriting the lyric today. I've meant to bring out the fairytale all along, so now I feel it's more in sync with what I want.

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for listening and commenting. You've been very helpful, and I appreciate it very much!

This started from fiddling around on the guitar, trying to find new pickin' patterns with a capo. Then this came along, and I wrote the lyric on top of it.

Magne...hey I listened to this earlier today.....you are a very good performer and writer....keep working this one....the idea is very good...I'm just not grabbing on to the waitress line in the chorus....that's ok...cause the foundation is good on this one....not much help I know....take care......Bob

Thanks Robert,

I appreciate you're taking the time!
This still is in process (and that title is too), but I guess it now has to mature a little, before any final rewrites.

HI Magne:

This is coming along, I think. Every line that was sung different from the posted lyric I thought was an improvement. And it's got a nice tune to it.

Right now, I think you have to decide what story you want to tell. Early on, it seems like she wants to prove she can make it on her own. Then later, she hopes to find true love. I don't doubt that a person can feel both of these but I think this is a case where the song has to be simpler than real life

Gonna be a nice one

Scott

Hi Magne,

This is really pretty. I like it a lot. Lyrically, I prefer the new hook, "Once upon a time waitress"....thinking it gives her a "regular girl" type of feel and this is her story, type of deal. I think the bridge could be stronger. Maybe you could incorporate the "once upon a time" factor in there...ya know...something about "happily ever after" or something that alludes to the features of a once upon a time story...just a thought.

Very nice song.

Kristi

Hi Scott,

Thanks for listening!

Uhm, not good.. I rewrote after recording. I see your point on double stories. Even where I wrote make it, I meant in love.. never thought there were other things of importance , but I see how it confuses.

I think, songs are always more complicated than life. Life just writes itself

Hi Kirsti,

Thanks for lending your ears and brain power!

Pheww, Im glad you think the rewrite has improvements. Thanks for pointing out the bridge as a lyrical dead spot, I rewrote the music for it, but will attend the lyric there too. With the new hook it's easier to allow a storybook development, and it's probably even expected from the title..

Oh, I like it so much! It's like a fairy tale. And I like the way the last stanza brings it all around - where 'she' becomes someone's 'you' - rounds up the story nicely :-)

Hi Magna

Gosh, this is beautiful, I'm gonna have another listen later, but I better listen to some others first.

You have a nice style and vocal Magna, keep workin' it, cause this girl thinks it's fantastic.

Aussie fan
Michele

Hi Sparrow,

Thanks for listening and commenting!

Im glad you liked that ending.. wasn't sure about that at all.

Hi Michele,

Thanks for lending your ear and comment!

I appreciate it. I have no artist aspirations, but Im glad my vocals can cut it on some demowork. It enables me to pitch some stuff for tv/film without worrying about master rights and all of that gumbo.

I like this one. Sweet melody and good delivery. I think the lyric revisions will be an improvement. Your voice is well suited to this song.

I would prefer to hear the instruments spread apart a bit more in the stereo field. The slide gets lost in the rhythm guitar. I like the picking pattern.

Well worth more work to fine tune it.

Colin

Hi Magne

I'm thinking that there's a better hook/title for this

"ONCE I MAKE IT TO THE BIG TIME"

But in any event, I like your singing music and how you describe her. : ) jm

Hi Colin,

Thanks for the listen!

I will fine tune it some more, the melody seems to stick, I just mixed this down to mono, to not have the rough mix get in the way, of the work I didn't do.

Hi Joice,

Thanks a lot!

I guess the title is in the rewriting bowl, then Your idea certainly seems like an improvement..

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to listen!

Hmmm - This bothered me some - made me wonder if I was being totally accurate. So I went back and listened more carefully. I counted 4 major changes - didn't focus on the minor ones.

(1) "Every days been like a lifetime of new faces" vs "Everyday is like a story of new faces". I prefer the first.

(2) "Sends you a smile and remembers your face" vs "Tells you a joke and puts a smile on your face" Again, I prefer the first. I have read that the most memorable people are those that remember US when we meet them again. This taps into that. It's easier to put a smile on someone's face than it is to greet them by name the second time you see them. That's why the first option makes her more special.

(3) "That's how she made a lifetime in low places" vs "That's the reason why she's hangin' round these places". Again, I prefer the first. I think the second is good but the first is killer. I can see though how people working those places might object.

(4) "She doesn't hate him" vs "she doesn't break him". I wasn't accurate on this one - I like the second one better. With the first, it sounds like she's settling for something - and that seems at odds with her (as described in the rest of the song).

Anyway, just one opinion Magne (or 4, depending on how they are counted). And don't take it too seriously. Mostly, I wanted to give your lyric the respect it deserves by being more specific this time around.

Scott

BIG THANKS Scott, for that detailed return.. I learned a lot about my own lyric!

Appreciate it very much!

Hi Magne,

Sorry I'm late getting to this, but I like it a lot and hope you persue it further.

Does her hair have to be in a mess? I ask because food handlers have to have their hair very well kept, or they'll be getting complaints form customers. Could she wear a hair net? It seems like it would provide you with another nice near rhyme.

I like the quaint musical sound you are getting hear, it's original to my ears, I wanted your slide playing to be more self assured.

I like the changing chorus too.

You could demo this better; it does have that on the fly sound; I hope you take this one to the next level, I see this waitress, you bring her to life. Nice work!

Mike

Thanks Mike,

I appreciate your comments anytime!

Yes I could demo this a lot better (like most of what I post). This is just the first ideas on the first capturing of the song. I haven't decided on how to proceed yet, as Im still working on the lyric.

To me, it sounds a bit too singer/songwriter to be pitched for Nashville, and those have first priority in my book. Very few turn out like that for now, though, so I might pursue it as a singer/songwriter song for tv/film, with myself on vocals.

Thanks for the listen and the ideas!

The song has a nice melody in the verse. But the music for the hook feels like it belongs to the verse instead of lifting to a new chorus melody. There are a few word choices that are off in the 1st verse - maybe "offers" eggs and coffee makes more sense than "makes" eggs and coffee because usually a waitress doesn't cook the meals.

Here's an idea to organize your song into more of a verse/chorus form and get more of a storyline going. If the first VERSE is about her being a waitress, the reality of it, but her customers don't know what she really dreams of - Then the CHORUS can be about what she dreams of - she dreams of being a Once in a Lifetime Waitress - and shes waiting for this and waiting for that - waiting for her dream or her dream lover to come along and make her dreams come true. .... then verse 2 can tell what she she's doing to make her dreams come true - she sings for a band or she went on a date and thinks he might be the one.

Hope that's helpful if not - file in the round file and best of luck with your song in any event.

Hi Pete,

Thanks for listening and your suggestions!
I didn't think this would live this long on the boards.

Thanks everyone for all the time and comments. I will present the next version here, in due time!

Magne, I love your voice and playing ability! This is a nice song.

I had to giggle at Mike's remark about the messy hair, I was kinda thinking the same thing. BUT, if the waitress is the type to take her pencil in and out of her hair to take orders, it would get messy, as it would if she were running around during a rush.

Hi Polly,

Thanks for taking the time to listen and suggest!

Hehe, well her hair is also messy in another sense.. I always like working on two levels of meaning when writing lyrics. But, I've noted your objections to that image :-)

I appreciate your nice comments.

Hi Magne. This is a lovely song........melodically and lyrically it ticks all the boxes. OK a tweak here or there could take it up a notch but it is pretty much OK as is. There were bits of the original that I preferred over th "New" lyrics and bits of the new better than the original. Go with what YOU and your gut instinct prefer....

Hi Big Jim,

Thanks a lot for listening and encouraging me!

I wouldn't think this was your cup of tea, but I guess big guys also have a soft spot :-)

Im working on the lyric, thanks all you good folks!

Magne the lyric is fine....... only fine tuning needed.....remember the saying "if it aint broke don't try to fix it"

Nice story, kept my attention. I didn't hear the earlier version but read the old lyrics as I listened to the new, and it seems to be improved. I enjoyed it.

Thanks BJ,
It ain't broke, it's just not fully assembled yet

Thanks Barry,

I appreciate you took the time to listen!

Being able to hold attention is a great big start for me, so I'll give it some more work.

Howdy Mags, Gus here. Gave this a bunch of spins, & appreciated
it more each time. Same great qualities you added to "good luck",
for Janice & I..... Sweet

Hi Gus,

Thanks for poppin' in on this little ditty! I appreciate it. Yes, we have a good one there, soon to move forward with.

Talk to ya soon..