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#748232 - 08/29/09 02:12 PM Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer)  
Joined: Feb 2006
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Title: Count the Cans

v.1
This jukebox that I hear makes me want another beer
Cuz every tune brings back a memory of you
I order up a Bud, pop a top and chug
And never put it down Ďtil Iím through

chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

v.2
This ring I still wear reminds me youíre still there
Making love and making dinner for him
Iíve got just cause to drown behind these walls
ĎCuz your memory keeps showing up again

chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

bridge
Maybe someday I can count my blessings
Cuz I'll be blessed when Iím over you
But for now Iím just a half empty man
Doing what I can, counting away my blues

chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

© 2009, Betty Holt/Jeff Knight



Betty J. Holt
#748245 - 08/29/09 03:45 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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Kay-lynn Carew Offline
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Kay-lynn Carew  Offline
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Very cute idea!!
Couple of thoughts.

bridge
Maybe someday I can count my blessings
Cuz I'll be blessed when Iím over you
But for now Iím just a half empty man
Doing what I can, counting away my blues

I really expected to hear "count the cans" at the end of this.

Other note is....
If you know the original poem, you might want to structure it more to that.. i.e.

How do I love thee, let me count the ways
(and then he counts the ways)

So...perhaps
how do I miss you, let me count the cans
I miss how you can turn my day around
with just a smile when I am down
how I can lose myself in your arms

etc etc

which gives two meanings to the word CAN.

But the chorus would obviously be beer cans.

Any help?

KL


"It Mattered to THAT One"
#748248 - 08/29/09 04:01 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Kay-lynn Carew]  
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Highlands, NC
Interesting, KL. I haven't thought of putting "count the cans" at the end of the bridge because thought it should stay in the chorus only. The other idea is good, but it would mean a different song. Leaving out the word "much" in "How much do I miss you" would take it down a different road...which is entirely valid...and maybe another song someday. Thanks for your thoughts. We appreciate it.


Betty J. Holt
#748297 - 08/29/09 08:21 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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Kay-lynn Carew Offline
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Kay-lynn Carew  Offline
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Nashville, TN
Betty,

I was just thinking that if you're going to use Elizabeth Browning's phrase, it might as well be as she said it but it almost does sound better your way. lol

Guess that's the difference in poetry and lyric writing. right?

I might take a stab at the other version then. Because there are so many people who say I can't... I think they should really be counting the CANS...... (grin).

I'm a Mom, that's the way my mind works. (smile)

good luck with this!


"It Mattered to THAT One"
#748441 - 08/30/09 08:04 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Kay-lynn Carew]  
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Hi Betty,

GOOD HOOK,
When I read it, I ALSO thought the bridge should end like this...

bridge
Maybe someday I can count my blessings
Cuz I'll be blessed when Iím over you
But for now Iím just a half empty man
Doing what I can, COUNTING THE CANS

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#748444 - 08/30/09 08:43 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Calvin]  
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Kolstad Offline
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Denmark
Betty,

This is great all over!
I really love how you play on the can 'family' throughout. This would make a great one, with the right music, of course.

Two minor things came to mind while reading. In second verse, second line "Making love and making dinner for him" didn't seem to match the second line of verse one "Cuz every tune brings back a memory of you" as this almost continues the inner rhymes in line 1 and 3 with a near rhyme when sung (tune-you). The line in verse two are far from that.

Allthough the bridge reads well, I felt you overused the word 'count', as it is part of the title and the main concept here. To exploit it this much, takes away from the overall impact, I think. Perhaps just use it once in the bridge, or even better, reserve it exclusively for the hook.

But surely this is a great one IMO!

#748455 - 08/30/09 10:30 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Kolstad]  
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Hi Betty & Jeff

I think this is really good, whistle but I have to agree with the others, with the bridge, I also was thinking along the same line, but remember I'm only on my learners with songwriting. crazy

Maybe something like this:

bridge
Maybe someday I can count my blessings
Cuz I'll be blessed when Iím over you
But for now Iím just a half empty man
Doing what I can, sculling away these cans smile

It's your song Betty & Jeff, good luck with it hey. smile

Aussie fan
Michele


Last edited by Michele Bolton; 08/30/09 10:32 AM.
#748466 - 08/30/09 11:03 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Michele Howlett]  
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bholt Offline
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Highlands, NC
Thanks, all of you, for the comments. It seems like Jeff and I had the shortest co-writing relationship in history (less than 24 hours!) so I am back to my original version of the song, which I'll work on some more and post again someday! (Some days are like that).


Betty J. Holt
#749197 - 09/02/09 01:58 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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Wesley Ryan Offline
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Wichita Falls, Texas U.S.A.
Hi Betty,

This is a great song! I love the hook and it really flowed well. Personally, I like it just the way it is even though I thought a few of the suggestions might add a bit more to it. Regardless, you did a great job with it.

Best wishes,

Wes

#749249 - 09/02/09 10:30 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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HiDee Mz Betty!~

GREAT Hook...I'm a-Lovin' this Baby here.

Bridge Sug:, last line: "Doin' what I can, DRINKIN' I-O-Us"

K-O-S, & Good Luck with a Soon-to-be-Classic, M'LadyChum!
Big Hugs,
Stan

#749295 - 09/02/09 01:41 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: ]  
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Highlands, NC
Hey, everyone! Glad you like the idea. I'll have to take Jeff's input out now and return to my original song and tweak it some more. I was actually getting some decent reviews on it before the changes. But I appreciate your comments and it'll be back to the drawing board now. Anybody ever had this happen where you have a short-lived relationship with a co-writer and then have to remove all their thoughts from your song? It's not the easiest thing to figure out!


Betty J. Holt
#749322 - 09/02/09 02:43 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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Wyman Lloyd Offline
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Missouri
That IS a really good hook Betty.
Too bad something like that had to happen.
Yep, you're dead right on the difficulty of removing all of someones input. Even your own thoughts that were influenced
by them. Not easy at all.
In most cases better to abandon the song but not one with the potential this one has .
Good luck
Wy

#749333 - 09/02/09 03:04 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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California
Hi Betty,

I thought Kay-Lynn gave you an amazing idea there, and little or no tweaking really needed be done at all:

How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
I can slowly float downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
I can drown that memory of how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

Your decision isn't about "overhaul vs. no overhaul" but "clever vs. intimate"

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 09/02/09 03:08 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#749427 - 09/02/09 08:31 PM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Yes, Wy, it is a shame, but probably for the best as we had very different writing styles and re-writing styles. Jeff doesn't do a work tape that I could hear (I wanted input on the music and for it to be a true co-write). He just produces the demo and then doesn't change it once it's done. So, a lot different than I do. But I agree, it's difficult to take all that influence out.

Unless I take Michael and Kay-Lynn's advice and add more "cans" to the counting! ha!



Betty J. Holt
#749474 - 09/03/09 12:14 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: bholt]  
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KimberlyinNC Offline
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Originally Posted by bholt
Title: Count the Cans

v.1
This jukebox that I hear makes me want another beer- maybe instead of that I hear, this jukebox that's playing makes me want another beer..Cuz every tune brings back a memory of you
I order up a Bud, pop a top and chug
And never put it down Ďtil Iím through-- good verse:)
chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans- good idea
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began- maybe not how our love began but that our love came to an end??How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

v.2
This ring I still wear reminds me youíre still there
Making love and making dinner for him
Iíve got just cause to drown behind these walls- what walls? the bar? or his private walls? if it is the bar, maybe word it so I will drown behind these bar room walls??ĎCuz your memory keeps showing up again

chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

bridge
Maybe someday I can count my blessings
Cuz I'll be blessed when Iím over you
But for now Iím just a half empty man
Doing what I can, counting away my blues---counting cans would work better I think:)
chorus
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans
Iím slowly floating downstream, ĎTil I donít give a damn
Drowning your memory helps me forget how our love began
How much do I miss you, Let me count the cans

© 2009, Betty Holt/Jeff Knight



Hi Betty, This is very good indeed!! Good luck with it. KIM:)


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
#749533 - 09/03/09 10:15 AM Re: Count the Cans (overhauled with new co-writer) [Re: KimberlyinNC]  
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bholt Offline
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bholt  Offline
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Thanks, Kim. I will continue on with it but it won't read like this.


Betty J. Holt

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