JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 need title and please critique

She seduced him from the very first
With her curves and graceful neck
She lured him with her beauty
And her come hither look
So he reached out and took hold of her
And his life was never the same
Trying to love another
Would always be in vain

'Cause she was always there waiting
She could always make him smile
She would take away his troubles for a while

She's receive his touch for hours on end
He sang her every song he knew
His passion and the bond they shared
Became stronger as he grew
Other men were wishing they were him
And could do what he could do
Women could only watch in awe
And wished he'd want them too

But she was always there waiting
She could always make him smile
She would take away his troubles for a while

The more heart that he'd pour into her
The more she would give
Some say that in that way
She taught him how to live
When he was lost she'd help him find himself
She could take him very far
She made him the man he was
She was his guitar

And she was always there waiting
She could always make him smile
She would take away his troubles for a while

copyright 2009 Leanne Martin

"Take Away His Troubles"

I think it's pretty good. Couple of spots where the tense is off - probably a typo - "She lured him with her beauty"

I tapped out four beats per line at about 75 bpm and found a couple of lines too wordy to fit properly. Unless you have some other rhythm in mind, a bit of surgery is probably required.

Colin

thanks Colin! Good title-doesn't give anything away. I fixed the typo and will give it a lyric-ectomy too.

Hi Leanne,
Good writing. I like it.
Another possible title, " She Could Always Make Him Smile"
This line seemed a little odd as far as relating it to a woman--
"So he reached out and took hold of her"
I thought another possibility might be -----
""He reached out and caressed her""--Like he loved the guitar the first time he saw it and realating better to a woman also.
Just my idea though
Good writing regardless
Wy

You're off to a fine start with this. Love the concept.

The suggestions already made are good ones.

I've noted below a couple of things I stumbled over.
Keep-or-sweep, of course.

With regard to a title: A good rule of thumb is to know beforehand what hook you want to "hang" your song on. What is the main image/idea you want the listener to come away with.
It's this idea that you build the lyric around, and keeps the lyric focused. Though a hook/title can be used in verses, it's more common to find it in the chorus. In this case, the term "take away his troubles" seems to be the most memorable image, so I'd go with that one as the title.

Donna

Thanks Wyman and Donna for taking the time to give me your great ideas.

Leanne

Leanne,
the only stumble I had was over "trying to love another/ would always be in vain". Smooth out that sentence. I'd use the strongest verbs you can like seduce and caress.

I really like the surprise. "Always There Waiting" seems like a good title to me. You just have to decide which phrase is the crux.

though I might shorten the phrases a bit like:

she was always waiting
she always made him smile
and took away his troubles for a while

I think it's very well done.

have fun,
John

Leanne;

"Taking Away Troubles" would be good because it would be gneeric to either gender, because you don't know for sure who would be singing it. Usually I have a title picked out before I craft a piece, but sometimes I do it in reverse and then select a title. I may propose an idea for a new lyric challenge, and that is one that relates to curiosity about the world we live in.

HiDee Mz Leanne...(Are you the Nice Mz Leanne I once met in Tampa WAYyy back-when? Great to see ya here again!)

Good Song with a Fine Twist!

"(She) Made Him The Man (He Was)"...I'd sug/with EITHER of the Bracketed Add-Ons at each end. That's a Title that'll Grab!

Good Luck with a Good'n' & Good to see ya again (or for the First Time..I forget Names on a Regular basis/glad I'm old enough now to have an Excuse!)

Best "Welcomin' Wishes" & a Big Hug
Stan

Thank you John and Brian for your comments. I really appreciate your helping me out.

Stan, big hug back at ya. I am not the fortunate Leanne that got to meet you, but I did used to post lyrics and MP3's on here several years ago, and you have given me much fine advice on songwriting. Had some major life changes that took me away from writing for a while, but I'm getting back into it now. Thanks for your critique!

Leanne

Hi, Leanne, I'd like to share my thoughts on this, if you don't mind.
I thought the words are lovely and flowed real well, and the story is actually sweet. I did find a couple of SMALL things that didn't sit quite well with me.
You opened the song with her SEDUCING him. It immediately made me think this is about a mistress/whore song. The line about her being able to take away his troubles FOR A WHILE reinforced that idea that she's only available for stolen moments.
The rest of the song is sweet with a lot of sexiness thrown in, but I keep waiting for something else to happen to the story. Because I was thinking along the mistress line, I expected a tragic turn of events. Because of that (or lack of it), I felt the story is not complete.
Anyhow, just presenting my reaction. Good luck!

EDIT: NEVER MIND. I GET IT.
I missed the last line completely the first time. It all makes sense. She literally was the guitar. The seduction part is perfect then!