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#745063 - 08/13/09 10:48 PM Sitting on Your Knee  
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
John Hoffman Offline
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John Hoffman  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
St. Peters, Mo.
the chorus is rather old but the rest is a first draft so criticism is much appreciated.


"Sitting on Your Knee"
© jrhoffman 09

I walked into a time machine
going through the house
I found this box of pictures
and sat down on the couch
with furnishings and photographs
and the stories that they told
this one means a lot to me
think I was five years old

sitting on your knee in the rocking chair
on a big front porch in the small town air
underneath blue skies in the afternoon
I believed in you
sitting on your knee I learned to read
and I learned to stand on my own two feet
sitting on your knee I dared to dream
and you believed in me

the stories that you read to me
and those I read to you
how we'd talk for hours about
the things that I could do
I've always done my darnedest
I'm not afraid to try
and yesterday I realized
I knew the reason why

sitting on your knee in the rocking chair
on a big front porch in the small town air
underneath blue skies in the afternoon
I believed in you
sitting on your knee I learned to read
and I learned to stand on my own two feet
sitting on your knee I dared to dream
and you believed in me

they asked me if I'd sing a song
for all the residents
so I wrote down the memory
of how my youth was spent

sitting on your knee in the rocking chair
on a big front porch in the small town air
underneath blue skies in the afternoon
I believed in you
sitting on your knee I learned to read
and I learned to stand on my own two feet
sitting on your knee I dared to dream
and you believed in me




Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#745142 - 08/14/09 10:51 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Posts: 4,697
Michigan
John,

This is a beautifully written tribute song to someone who had so inspired a child. There should be more songs written like this IMO. I wrote one called Percy Packard that is on my soundclick site that is about just that very sort of person.

You have a nice flow with this....leads back to each chorus nicely. That bridge was a heart tugger for sure. I loved it.....very nice writing, with excellent meter. Should be an easy one to put music to and sing.

Jan

#745230 - 08/14/09 07:03 PM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 622
CG King Offline
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CG King  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 622
Nashville

Hi there John,


Hope this finds you doing well.

I love this one John! It is such a beautifully written and well crafted lyric. Great job. I hope you get music set to this one.

Take care.


Kind wishes,
Gail













#745276 - 08/14/09 10:49 PM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: CG King]  
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
John Hoffman Offline
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John Hoffman  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
St. Peters, Mo.
Thanks ladies,
it's just a first draft. I'll probably do some rewriting.

have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#745315 - 08/15/09 06:19 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,839
Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,839
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi John,

Good to see ya !
Nice writing here.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#745336 - 08/15/09 10:58 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: Calvin]  
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 41
sparrow Offline
Casual Observer
sparrow  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 41
I like it. especially the rhyming and the chorus :-)

#745419 - 08/15/09 07:23 PM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi John,

This has a lot of nice imagery in it. I think the story lends itself to coming full circle with the singer entering, exiting the house. Those details of him walking in and sitting on the couch are very vivid. So, I’m wondering if doing the same with him exiting would add to the emotional moment he’s having. I think you’d have room to do that somewhere in the last two lines of the bridge…..him/her pulling the curtain closed or some small gesture that would complete the scene.

Also, when the singer says "I believed in you"....it's a nice counter to "you believed in me" later, but I'm thinking what is he believing in, since the lines prior are all impersonal parts of the setting, even though we know the singer is inside the house. Maybe a couple pronouns would infer things about this older person...."your big front porch" would make me think maybe he's a big shot in this small town. Or if they weren't blue skies, but somehow he'd get them thru whatever may happen.....

Anyway…just some thoughts…good writing.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#745424 - 08/15/09 07:49 PM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
John Hoffman Offline
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John Hoffman  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2006
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St. Peters, Mo.
Kristi,
I'm working on a rewrite that may not be much better but hopefully less vague.

have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#745489 - 08/16/09 01:33 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Beth G. Williams Offline
Beth G. Williams  Offline

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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Massachusetts
Hi there John,

First off, I love that you had this chorus for some time, and have now been able to rejuvenate it with your verses. The process just goes on and on and on.... smile

Anyway, yes, this is a lovely tribute to That Important Person. And though I agree with Kristi, that having him leave the house could lend an extra sentimental element, I believe you have a good basic flow to the story already.

So since you're looking for criticism, let me just do some nit-picking for ya...which as you know, with me, might turn into a tweaking fest. Look out below!!! smile

Thanks for sharing!!
Beth


"Sitting On Your Knee"
I walked into a time machine
Going through the YOUR house .......why not establish this right up front
I found this a box of pictures
And sat down on TOOK 'EM TO the couch ....perhaps showing a little reverence, by not saying outright he sat
with furnishings and photographs
SIFTING THROUGH THE FACES....you've already mentioned "pictures" and "couch"...
And the stories that they told
I SAW one means, MEANT a lot to me ...keep in past tense
MUSTA BEEN 'BOUT five years old

I'M sitting on your knee in THAT CREAKY rocking chair
On YOUR big front LEANING porch in the small town I STILL SMELL THAT MORNIN' air .....at 5, would he say that?
underneath blue skies in the afternoon
YOU MADE IT ALL A GAME, BUT THE LESSONS TRICKLED THROUGH
SO I believed in you
YES, sitting on your knee I YOU TAUGHT ME HOW to read
and IN YOUR GENTLE WAY, HOW to stand on my two feet
I REMEMBER sitting on your knee ONE DAY I dared to dream
You believed HELPED ME BELIEVE in me

the stories that you read to TOLD me
and those I read to SHARED WITH you
how we'd talk for hours about UNTIL THE LUNCH BELL
'BOUT
the things that I could WOULD do
I've always done my darnedest
I'm not NEVER BEEN afraid to try
and yesterday I realized
I knew the reason why

I'm sitting on your knee in that creaky rocking chair
On your big front leaning porch I still smell that mornin' air
You made it all a game, but the lessons trickled through
So I believed in you
Yes, sitting on your knee you taught me how to read
And in your gentle way, how to stand on my two feet
I remember sitting on your knee, one day I dared to dream
You helped me believe in me

they asked me if I'd sing a song
for all the residents
so I wrote down the memory
of how my youth was spent

I used to sit on his knee in a creaky old chair ......misc. changes in this last chorus
On his big leaning porch in fresh cut mornin' air
He made it all a game, but the lessons sunk in
So I believed in him
Yes, sitting on his knee he taught me how to read
And in his gentle way, how to stand on my two feet
When I last sat on that knee, and I went to find my dream
It was only 'cause he helped me believe in me


****************************************************************

Yup, looks like I got a bit carried away. Sometimes I get that way when I particular lyric and mood strike me. I hope you don't mind my presumptions here....as usual, all keep or sweep!!


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#745533 - 08/16/09 09:30 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
John Hoffman Offline
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John Hoffman  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
St. Peters, Mo.
Sparrow, Cal,
thanks a bunch.

Beth,
I'm glad you liked it enough to nit. I'm probably going to simplify it by removing some of that furniture and trying to focus more on the moment. I'll post a separate rewqrite when I'm either happy with the new bridge or give up momentarily.

have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#745550 - 08/16/09 11:10 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Bro Johnny!

This is a very Likeable Lyric, & I like the Softness & Sweep in the Vision here!

I've noticed a lot of "and"s that I'd sug eliminating. "THEN sat down on the couch"..."ALL the stories that they told"..(K-O-S) for V1... (Delete-and) Learned to stand on my 2 feet" for the Chorus..& "WHEN you believed in me" (Which MIGHT make for an even Better Hook/Title?)

"THEN yesterday I realized.." in V2..

& maybe "So I wrote down THIS memory"...since "the" is ALSO kinda a Filler/Under-descriptive Word...when singing.

All K-O-S & JMO...but Congrats for a Fine Overall Lyric with a Great Sentiment behnd it!

Good Luck with The Finished Product, Amigo! Real Hit-Worthy!
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

#745755 - 08/17/09 11:23 AM Re: Sitting on Your Knee [Re: John Hoffman]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Neil Cotton Offline
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Neil Cotton  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
Nice sentiment.
It would be an easy fix to get the hook as last thing heard.

Sitting on your knee in the rocking chair
On a big front porch in the small town air
Underneath blue skies in the afternoon
I believed in you
Sitting on your knee I learned to read
I learned to stand on my own two feet
You believed in me I dared to dream
Sitting on your knee

V1 line 2

I walked into a time machine
Wand'rin' through your house

Last edited by Neil Cotton; 08/17/09 11:24 AM.

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