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Joined: Feb 2006
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the chorus is rather old but the rest is a first draft so criticism is much appreciated.
"Sitting on Your Knee" © jrhoffman 09
I walked into a time machine going through the house I found this box of pictures and sat down on the couch with furnishings and photographs and the stories that they told this one means a lot to me think I was five years old
sitting on your knee in the rocking chair on a big front porch in the small town air underneath blue skies in the afternoon I believed in you sitting on your knee I learned to read and I learned to stand on my own two feet sitting on your knee I dared to dream and you believed in me
the stories that you read to me and those I read to you how we'd talk for hours about the things that I could do I've always done my darnedest I'm not afraid to try and yesterday I realized I knew the reason why
sitting on your knee in the rocking chair on a big front porch in the small town air underneath blue skies in the afternoon I believed in you sitting on your knee I learned to read and I learned to stand on my own two feet sitting on your knee I dared to dream and you believed in me
they asked me if I'd sing a song for all the residents so I wrote down the memory of how my youth was spent
sitting on your knee in the rocking chair on a big front porch in the small town air underneath blue skies in the afternoon I believed in you sitting on your knee I learned to read and I learned to stand on my own two feet sitting on your knee I dared to dream and you believed in me
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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John,
This is a beautifully written tribute song to someone who had so inspired a child. There should be more songs written like this IMO. I wrote one called Percy Packard that is on my soundclick site that is about just that very sort of person.
You have a nice flow with this....leads back to each chorus nicely. That bridge was a heart tugger for sure. I loved it.....very nice writing, with excellent meter. Should be an easy one to put music to and sing.
Jan
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Hi there John,
Hope this finds you doing well.
I love this one John! It is such a beautifully written and well crafted lyric. Great job. I hope you get music set to this one.
Take care.
Kind wishes, Gail
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Thanks ladies, it's just a first draft. I'll probably do some rewriting.
have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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I like it. especially the rhyming and the chorus :-)
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Hi John,
This has a lot of nice imagery in it. I think the story lends itself to coming full circle with the singer entering, exiting the house. Those details of him walking in and sitting on the couch are very vivid. So, I’m wondering if doing the same with him exiting would add to the emotional moment he’s having. I think you’d have room to do that somewhere in the last two lines of the bridge…..him/her pulling the curtain closed or some small gesture that would complete the scene.
Also, when the singer says "I believed in you"....it's a nice counter to "you believed in me" later, but I'm thinking what is he believing in, since the lines prior are all impersonal parts of the setting, even though we know the singer is inside the house. Maybe a couple pronouns would infer things about this older person...."your big front porch" would make me think maybe he's a big shot in this small town. Or if they weren't blue skies, but somehow he'd get them thru whatever may happen.....
Anyway…just some thoughts…good writing.
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Kristi, I'm working on a rewrite that may not be much better but hopefully less vague.
have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hi there John, First off, I love that you had this chorus for some time, and have now been able to rejuvenate it with your verses. The process just goes on and on and on.... Anyway, yes, this is a lovely tribute to That Important Person. And though I agree with Kristi, that having him leave the house could lend an extra sentimental element, I believe you have a good basic flow to the story already. So since you're looking for criticism, let me just do some nit-picking for ya...which as you know, with me, might turn into a tweaking fest. Look out below!!! Thanks for sharing!! Beth "Sitting On Your Knee" I walked into a time machine Going through the YOUR house .......why not establish this right up frontI found this a box of pictures And sat down on TOOK 'EM TO the couch ....perhaps showing a little reverence, by not saying outright he satwith furnishings and photographs SIFTING THROUGH THE FACES....you've already mentioned "pictures" and "couch"...
And the stories that they told I SAW one means, MEANT a lot to me ...keep in past tenseMUSTA BEEN 'BOUT five years old I'M sitting on your knee in THAT CREAKY rocking chair On YOUR big front LEANING porch in the small town I STILL SMELL THAT MORNIN' air .....at 5, would he say that?underneath blue skies in the afternoon YOU MADE IT ALL A GAME, BUT THE LESSONS TRICKLED THROUGH SO I believed in you YES, sitting on your knee I YOU TAUGHT ME HOW to read and IN YOUR GENTLE WAY, HOW to stand on my two feet I REMEMBER sitting on your knee ONE DAY I dared to dream You believed HELPED ME BELIEVE in me the stories that you read to TOLD me and those I read to SHARED WITH you how we'd talk for hours about UNTIL THE LUNCH BELL 'BOUTthe things that I could WOULD do I've always done my darnedest I'm not NEVER BEEN afraid to try and yesterday I realized I knew the reason why I'm sitting on your knee in that creaky rocking chair On your big front leaning porch I still smell that mornin' air You made it all a game, but the lessons trickled through So I believed in you Yes, sitting on your knee you taught me how to read And in your gentle way, how to stand on my two feet I remember sitting on your knee, one day I dared to dream You helped me believe in me they asked me if I'd sing a song for all the residents so I wrote down the memory of how my youth was spent I used to sit on his knee in a creaky old chair ......misc. changes in this last chorusOn his big leaning porch in fresh cut mornin' air He made it all a game, but the lessons sunk in So I believed in him Yes, sitting on his knee he taught me how to read And in his gentle way, how to stand on my two feet When I last sat on that knee, and I went to find my dream It was only 'cause he helped me believe in me ****************************************************************
Yup, looks like I got a bit carried away. Sometimes I get that way when I particular lyric and mood strike me. I hope you don't mind my presumptions here....as usual, all keep or sweep!!
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Sparrow, Cal, thanks a bunch.
Beth, I'm glad you liked it enough to nit. I'm probably going to simplify it by removing some of that furniture and trying to focus more on the moment. I'll post a separate rewqrite when I'm either happy with the new bridge or give up momentarily.
have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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HiDee Bro Johnny!
This is a very Likeable Lyric, & I like the Softness & Sweep in the Vision here!
I've noticed a lot of "and"s that I'd sug eliminating. "THEN sat down on the couch"..."ALL the stories that they told"..(K-O-S) for V1... (Delete-and) Learned to stand on my 2 feet" for the Chorus..& "WHEN you believed in me" (Which MIGHT make for an even Better Hook/Title?)
"THEN yesterday I realized.." in V2..
& maybe "So I wrote down THIS memory"...since "the" is ALSO kinda a Filler/Under-descriptive Word...when singing.
All K-O-S & JMO...but Congrats for a Fine Overall Lyric with a Great Sentiment behnd it!
Good Luck with The Finished Product, Amigo! Real Hit-Worthy! Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Nice sentiment. It would be an easy fix to get the hook as last thing heard.
Sitting on your knee in the rocking chair On a big front porch in the small town air Underneath blue skies in the afternoon I believed in you Sitting on your knee I learned to read I learned to stand on my own two feet You believed in me I dared to dream Sitting on your knee
V1 line 2
I walked into a time machine Wand'rin' through your house
Last edited by Neil Cotton; 08/17/09 12:24 PM.
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