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#739213 07/19/09 10:22 AM
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This is a poem more than lyric, but since I work for me, I can put it to music if I like. I will do that in the future. For now, let's see what everyone thinks.

Melancholy By John Surbaugh
(c)2009 All Rights Reserved

In the cold dark lonely night,
I sit and think about my plight,
I barely have will left to fight,
Will I see the morning light,
Will I see the morning light,

Pushing hard with all my might,
Standing tall to see the sight,
Take my wrongs and make them right,
Fill my soul with much delight,
Fill my soul with much delight,

As I wander across this land,
Trying hard to make my stand,
Reaching out for a friendly hand,
To do those things that become a man,
To do those things that become a man,

I have become full of dread,
As vultures circle around my head,
I recall things I once had said,
I seek a warm place for my bed,
I seek a warm place for my bed,

The night is dark as can be,
It's ever so hard just to see,
That's when it occurs to me,
The light of dawn soon will be,
The light of dawn soon will be,

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Hi John. Welcome to JPF. Your introductory comments plus the fact that you posted this lyric here seem to indicate that you're interested in the commercial viability of your poem as a song lyric. At the risk of sounding Simon Cowellish, I have to tell you that this probably won't fly too high as a SONG lyric. It's value as a poem far surpasses it's value as a song lyric.
Commercially successful songs have elements such as hooks that are missing in this poem. While there may be many who are willing to put this poem to music for a fee, I won't recommend doing that.

summeoyo #739592 07/21/09 01:58 AM
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Hi Summeoyo, thank you for the welcome and comments. I must confess I chose this poem/lyric more to introduce myself rather than attempt to market it. It does as you have pointed out have several strikes against it. I do take the fact that you mentioned that it has some value as a poem to be a positive point. As for putting it to music, I work far cheaper than most that I might enlist, and if nothing else I will have an off the wall piece that I can enjoy. Again, thank you for taking the time to respond, I do value your critique.

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Hi John, welcome to JPF.
Good luck with your lyrics and poems.
Nadia


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Nadia #739751 07/21/09 07:03 PM
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Hello Nadia, thank you for your welcome and wishes. I do enjoy writing and playing music. I like the looks of that piano. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.

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Hello John, that piano is very nice, it's in one of the churches I've played some of my songs and instrumentals. Piano is my favourite instrument (well, I only play piano and keyboard), I'm looking forward to hearing your music. I've posted some of mine on MP3 forum and it has been very good to know what other songwriters thought of my music and some of the co-written songs. I think it's wonderful to be able to know what the opinion is on music and lyrics. It's also very good to listen to other songwriters and give them your opinion so please feel free to look at other songwriters' creations and let them know what you think, any advice is always very welcome. Enjoy JPF, I've found some wonderful collaborators and fantastic friends.
Nadia
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=936270
http://www.songramp.com/homepage.php?userid=27495
http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/nlcripps


Nadia
Nadia #739780 07/21/09 08:31 PM
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John.
Welcome. You can learn a lot here about songwriting. Good luck to you.
patti


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Patti Smith #739819 07/22/09 12:34 AM
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Nadia, that is some good music you have. The piano and keyboards sounds great and your vocals are out of this world. Thank you for sharing that with me. I have a few things up at myspace.

http://www.myspace.com/meandmystercee

My vocals are not in the same league as yours. I play guitar, dabble with a couple other instruments. And I have used various means of producing music.

Last edited by john surbaugh; 07/22/09 12:41 AM.
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Patti,

Thanks for the welcome. I am open to learning more about the art of writing and playing music. It appears this site is blessed with many good people that will make that journey very enjoyable. I look forward to the opportunity to get to know the people of this site.

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Hi John, thank you for friend's request on Soundclick and thank you for your kind words about my compositions and my playing. The vocals are sang by my friend Gemma who is a member on JPF as well. Gemma has a wonderful voice and she is a fantastic singer, you wouldn't want to hear my voice, I promise. I'll listen to your songs shortly. Thank you for sending your link.


Nadia
Nadia #739925 07/22/09 01:43 PM
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John:

A few people on this board have suggested that many of mine are actually better as poetry than as songs. But a folk singer, for example, might pick up on something like that. I listed to a lot of that, and many songs in that genre don't follow the verse, verse, chorus, verse format. Every once in a while you may have one that doesn't follow that format yet becomes a hit. A couple of examples are "The Boxer" (Simon and Garfunkel) and "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" (Gordon Lightfoot).

I'd like to think "to each his own."

beechnut79 #740038 07/22/09 09:23 PM
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I agree. There are many written in AAA form that have become hits. I too have had comments about "poem" like lyrics. I always say-You never know with a fantastic melody. You will be fine with all your gifts under your belt.
Patti


Patti Smith-Lyric writer Wanted CO-WRITERS
Patti Smith #740094 07/23/09 02:51 AM
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I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have put a little bit of music together for this piece,and it has become glaringly obvious to me it is lacking focus. I was thinking that was a part of the emotion I was writing about, but listening to it now it doesn't work the way I wanted it to. I am going to have to figure a way to tie the pieces together better. This is going to take a little reworking.

Beechnut79, I do agree with you to each his own, not everybody fits into a mold, I am a prime example.

Patti, I believe the concept can work, it is just going to take working it through the process. Thanks.

Summeoyo, Thanks for your words of wisdom.

Nadia, Thanks for being my friend.

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You are very welcome, John. Good luck with your songs.
Nadia


Nadia

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