JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Turn to Me

Hey guys,

This song hasn't made the "keeper" list yet. I'm not sure it will. Seems like something's missing. Let me know what you think it needs. Don't hold back.

The solo will probably be cello instead of guitar.

J--

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=953661&songID=7627590

When the wind rises up
and the clouds roll in
Darkness crashes down
A sudden flash from above
and you're blinded as
you brace for the sound
of rolling thunder like the
voice of an angry sky
and then your eyes adjust
to the dark again
and you look for a place to hide
before the storm gets worse.

When there's nowhere else
When you lose yourself
When nothing is clear I'll be here
You can always turn to me.

When it's your name
written on the envelope
but there's no return address
And the letter
sets fire to the bridge of hope
you tell yourself it's for the best
The words are surprising
but they're not really news
you lay your head on the floor
and wait like a powderkeg
at the end of the fuse
to shatter the windows and blow out the doors.

Chorus

Instr break

Chorus

(c) 2009 Jonathan DeBoe

Hi Jonathan,
This is very beautiful.It reminds me of the Garth Brooks hit,"to Make You Feel My Love".I think the cello would be lovely,but I truly think its perfect as is....
Michelle

Hi Jonathan.

Nice to meet you. You have a beautiful voice and this is some lyric for sure!!!!! Loved how you went high on the Chorus and for some reason I wanted you in the Chorus on the 3rd line to sing

"when nothing's clear, I'll be right here" (I just wanted the word "right" added there) for emphasis and because I think it would fit in nice and you have room for that syllable. Did I tell you that the lyric has some powerful writing and imagery, very impressive!!!!! You also play well and the instrumental part is done very well!!

Great job!

Best,
Lynn

I think your voice is most excellent and also the acoustic guitar work. Some lovely chords in there too. But, the first electric guitar just sounded all wrong and entirely inappropriate without the support of a whole band. The second guitar part however, was just nice right at the end.

Wonderful song and it has serious merit.

Dude

Jonathan,

Nice song all the way around. I like the chord progression and the guitar work. Vocal is outstanding.

Steve

Dude,
Thanks for commenting. I think I'll replace the guitar with cello.

Lynn, thanks!

I'll try your suggestion when I'm ready to record another take. Originally, I was singing "I'll be near", then changed it to "I'll be here." I never really thought about emphasizing right here. Good idea!

Thanks Michelle,

I'm glad you like it.

Jonathan

Steve,

Thanks, man. I don't know why this one feels incomplete to me. I appreciate the encouragement. The chord progression was just a decision to go all the way down on the verse, and back up on the chorus. Once I figured out how to do it smoothly, it was done.

I really enjoy your sound, by the way. I didn't get to hear those jangly rickenbackers back in the day, but I've been catching up on the classics lately. I love listening to you play.

That long 12-line first stanza doesn't rhyme.

Verses function as setup for what the chorus will say, serving its function of summing up, making the point.

This first verse goes to great length about the storm, lightning, thunder, but what is all that imagery and concept setting up for? Since it uses 12 lines to do it, it should be very significant.

Verse 1 seems to take a generic philosophical address in to the collective 'you.'

But the chorus seems to switch to a personal address to someone specific. Unless you're telling everyone who ever listens to the song that they can turn to you.

The 2nd verse again seems to address itself to the collective 'you' of the audience, saying what 'you' all do when things happen, not addressing itself to the single other person I perceive in the chorus.

The chorus isn't very intense, lyrically or emotionally, although the melody and falsetto do work well, and doesn't seem to be a strong 'point' for which the verses do the setup.

Verse 2 has better rhyme, although it seems a little out of balance, and seems to have 13 lines, though #12 and #13 are combined.

The 'and' and 'but' openers for lines can often be eliminated without losing anything in the meaning of the lines.

Ok, Gary. Now THAT's what I'm talking about! It's just too generic.

Thanks!

Hi Jon, I don't get too much time these days to listen and critic other people's songs, but I couldn't let this one go without commenting, because it's really rather very good! Excellent even.

I love the guitar work and you really pull it off vocally.

I, respectfully, disagree with Gary's comments and think the first verse is beautifully put together, full of freedom, and you inject it with energy with your vocals at just the right time. Sometimes people pull me up about not having perfect rhyming structures, but I always take the view that it matters not what looks right on paper, but what your instinct as a song writer tells you the song will let you do, and you show great instincts in the way you've put this together.

The double falsetto opening two lines of the chorus work really well and set up the final lines to be delivered in a really pleasing way. "Turn to me" is a little generic perhaps and not really original, but it works well in this song, but if you can find another line, more original that works as well, then go with that maybe.

In the 2nd verse I think you kind of lose it a bit. "And the letter sets fire to the bridge of hope" I don't think this line works very well. And the 2nd verse deteriorates from there. At the end the verse the delivery of the "shatter the windows and blow out the doors." line is over the top and somewhat jarring. I could tell you were trying to push up the song another level by doing that, but you kind of fell off the cliff there I think. Maybe it's an idea to re-write the 2nd verse completely and try and build up to and manoeuvre the song in to that big ending you're looking for.

And, personally, I don't hear a cello at all, and I think your lead sounds great and a cello would make a nice companion to the lead rather than replacing it.

All in all, this is just a darn good song with potential to make it a darn, darn good song!

Lucian

Hi Jonathan

Pretty voicing and guitar work --I was going to go back and get deeper into the lyrical issues --- but I see that Gary has already pointed you in the right direction - so I'll just say that the dynamics of the piece Over all are Not dramatic -- that's Fine when the LYrics are Really strong... in this case they are not. So I'll look forward to the re write on them. jm

you need a woman doing harmony with you on the choruses see if you can get nanci griffith. ha ha. her voice would be perfect.

it's a pretty tune, worth being on the keeper list. it's a message people can't hear/say enough.

yeah, ditch that electric guitar solo and put something acoustic and pretty in there, piano or cello.

i thought the lyrics were great, but the second verse could use some editing...take out a few words here or there



When it's your name
on the envelope
with no return address
And the letter
sets fire to the bridge of hope
you say it's for the best
The words are surprising
but not really news
you lay your head on the floor
...
I really like the writing but did notice that for some reason the "and wait like a powderkeg at the end of the fuse to shatter the windows and blow out the doors." didn't really work for me... i think you need a soft, haunting metaphor here... she's just lay her head down and is sad and thoughtful... not like a powderkeg to me...something soft and melancholy there that will stay with people. maybe something from nature to go with the storm in the first verse?

i really like it. great voice too.

Wow, Lucian,

I really appreciate the detailed critique. It resonates with me. Since this song is not one that's near and dear to my heart, I'll have no qualms about rewriting it. I want it to have more character, too, so I'm sure the second verse needs a major overhaul.

The strengths can be stronger, I think, if the weaknesses are cut away.

Thanks so much,

Jonathan

Joice,

You know, when I listen to the piece, it has certain strengths, but they don't carry the song. And I'm just going to have to step back from this one and evaluate it with all these insightful and constructive comments in mind.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's weak.

J--

I'm not going to be able to give a detailed critique like everyone else, but to me it sounds really good. You've got a great voice man. But, I have to agree that the electric guitar part sounds out of place. That's the only thing I would change.
Great job on this

Kyle

Babette,

I need a woman singing harmony on a lot of my songs. This one would be way down the list. And where'm I going to find a willing accomplice? I wonder.

The powderkeg is an abrupt image, I agree. I'm not really sure where it came from. I'll ruminate on this one for a while. Something fresh and new will come.

Hi Jonathan,

Welcome to JPF. I've been on hiatus lately..trying to do some work around my house. I've decided I suck as bad at home improvement as I do at songwriting. But oh well...

This made me think of a song by Bernard Fanning called Watch Over Me. It's the same kind of tune (but kind of in reverse..same subject). I put a link to a YouTube video of him performing it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK2YlPSmWvM

Something makes that song really resonate with me and I understand what you're saying about Turn to Me. It doesn't quite grab me as Watch Over Me does. I think there's maybe a disconnect between the two images in the verses. You have a metaphorical "storm" in the first verse and a more literal example in the 2nd verse. Perhaps lyrically to have more of an impact, the images could be parallel.

Also, the cello would be a wonderful addition and I like Babette's idea of harmony too.

Wendy,
thanks for the link and the comments. I'll try to renovate the lyric and hone the images. Oddly, this editing is almost as fun as the creative part.