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Joined: Apr 2007
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Young female singer...
He Touched Me (And I Liked It) © MAY 4, 2009
V First car date A roller coaster Puts his arm Across my shoulders All these feelings Running through me Sixteen years I thought I knew me Dad will shoot me V Every nerve is At the border Waiting for his Marching orders Time is passing Need to hurry Curfew is Eleven-thirty Passion's fury C He touched me and I liked it I told him not to do it It really felt exciting He touched me and I liked it But if my Father knew it He'd ground me for a lifetime V Sunday morning Dad is staring Notices The look I'm wearing Eat a piece of Toast with gravy Off to church The Lord will save me... Someday, maybe V Cell phone vibrates Late that evening Asking if I'd Like to see him Through the window At ten-thirty Suddenly start Feeling dirty... Says "Don't worry"
He touched me and I liked it I told him not to do it It really felt exciting He touched me and I liked it But if my Father knew it He'd ground me for a lifetime BRDG The smell of liquor, have I lost my mind Seen this movie half a dozen times And at the end the young girl always cries I say, "Drive safely, this won't be the night" FINAL C He touched me and I liked it I told him not to do it It really felt exciting He touched me and I liked it But if I'd followed through with it By now I might lay dying
Last edited by Frank N Furter; 05/13/09 12:56 AM.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 41
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Interesting story... makes me pause and nod :-)
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
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I agree with Sparrow. You had me smiling as I read and sadden at the end. Quite an interesting story.
Douglas
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Thank you Sparrow and Doug.
fnf
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Hate to say it, but I'd lose the car crash at the end. You had a hit song going, and the hook is exactly what the title is...so how does that twist at the end relate to that? After hearing it, the listener might remember the hook, or might remember the tragic ending...what, a morality tale on the dangers of drinking and driving...or a cute and obsessive song about young lust...?
I really like everything before that, but I think the song would benefit by keeping it simple.
By the way, I LOVE breaking the "rules" and suddenly departing from something that's expected...it's just that in this case, I think it dilutes your song rather than strengthens it.
Good stuff!
-Mark
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
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I was getting into this, makes me think of the song, I kissed a girl and I liked it as far as some of the meter... but the car crash stopped it cold. jmho. If you leave that part out, I think you have a winner. Kimberly
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Hey Mark, Hi Kim, Hey, I'm easy. If something isn't working (even if it's true), consider it excised! I almost posted it without the end, figuring I would get feedback. Took a week, but I'm pleased to hear something from you folks. Thanks! fnf
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,526
Helping Hand
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Helping Hand
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,526 |
I'm with Kaufman and Kimberlyincc. Liked the whole story line, didn't like the end. The song isn't about a public service announcement, it's about being young and naughty (something we can ALL relate to...I think...anyone else with me here? LOL). If you want to write a drinking and driving song, I'd set the scene earlier. Other than that, it's just teens having hot fun!
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Polly,
I have heard enough! The comicradgy will be only a hot teen tale.
Thanks! fnf
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,139
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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fnf, then I definitely wont tell you that I agree with the others...i will just sit back quietly and say nothing until you do the right thing...lol Michelle
*****You know I'm a dreamer,but my heart's of gold*****Motley Crue
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MC, Looking at the time of your post, I had already excised the last bit...meaning "done the right thing". Grunchies...seems like I have more people reading the reviews than I do my (so-called) lyric! (Maybe I'll start writing lyrics about reviews ) Thanks, fnf
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,139
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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FNF, sorry bout that lol...this is what happened...i read your lyric,then I read the comments...i typed in my reply and I had an emergency situation(before I could send it)...honestly.my mother had to call the ambulance for me and everything.I had a pretty bad asthma attack.That comment was supposed to be sent much earlier,but apparently someone(Im guessing one of my kids) thought that they were doing me a favor and sent the comment,then proceeded to sign in to thier myspace accts.sorry bout the timing thing.I read your lyric and i like it very much. as far as your idea on writing lyrics about reviews...you never know,it just might catch on.....i was talking to a friend only yesterday about how many misunderstandings must occur because of computers and texting....sorry if this was another case of that very thing.
*****You know I'm a dreamer,but my heart's of gold*****Motley Crue
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
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Frank, I can't comment on the lyric. I've only read the replies. They have been very entertaining.
Actually I htink this will make a great song.
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Oh, TELL me about it gal! I've been on the verge of world war 3 many times over what proved to be complete misunderstandings, for any # of reasons, including SENT mails that WEREN'T sent, as well as sent mails that wouldn't have been sent had the next mail been opened..well, u know how it goes! Hey, I am so sorry about your asthma. That's a frightening thing. All the best, and thanks for re-responding...well, actually, this would qualify as your official FIRST response, wouldn't it? fnf
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John, You nut case. You should ALWAYS comment on the comments before bothering with the lyric! Now, your comment (on the comments) was? Thanks, John fnf
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