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#719675 - 05/12/09 12:20 PM Musta Been Lonely  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Posts: 487
Spring Hill, TN USA
Another 3 am up-and-down-all-night piece. I like it, but I'm the best judge.

Musta Been Lonely
=================
[Verse 1]
Alarm clock went off at 6, but I didn't hit the snooze.
A bombin' in the Middle East, was on the mornin' news.
Reporter said 300 lives were lost there, as they prayed.
And proudly, half a dozen groups stood up to take the blame.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely.

[Verse 2]
Runnin' late, still caught the bus, rain a-pourin' down.
Got to work, to make my rounds, Veterans' home downtown.
One of my old soldiers, fought the war in '41,
lost the battle in the night, the cancer fin'ly won.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely.

[Verse 3]
The flowers were beautiful, they brightened up the room.
Made my way to look at them, and take a peek at you.
They said you looked so natural, but I didn't see your smile.
And all that I kept wonderin', was how God could take a child.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely.

[Tag – Partial Chorus]
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely.


Rick Maines
#719976 - 05/13/09 10:30 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Jody K Smith Offline
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Jody K Smith  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Magnolia, TX
Rick,
My interpretation is that God's lonely in Heaven so he calls up all these folks (the 300, the vet, the child). If so . . . wow I really like this idea. Verses were good! I'm wondering if the chorus should be tweeked a little - hmmm . . .how? I'm not sure, maybe I was wanting to read it as "He musta been lonely" just to make it perfectly clear.

Reporter said 300 lives were lost there, as they prayed.
Who prayed? It doesn't sound right that the reporters prayed -- the media praying?? now that's news, lol

Either way, here's a bump to a well written song deserving attention from someone more qualified than me. grin


J.K. Smith
#719983 - 05/13/09 11:23 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Jody K Smith]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Spring Hill, TN USA
Thanks, Jody. I can see what you mean about making things a bit more clear. I'll work it. By the way, the folks praying were those inside the building being bombed. Actually remember that from some news about a year ago. A masque was bombed, killing many, wounding many more. I figured in a masque, they'd be praying. Anyway, I'll post the re-write when done. Thanks again.


Rick Maines
#719985 - 05/13/09 11:31 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Jan 2005
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Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Spring Hill, TN USA
Very minimal changes here, I know. I'm not the best at rewriting, nor am I very good at judging my own work. Any more nits, and I'll try to correct them. I hope this works.

Musta Been Lonely
=================
[Verse 1]
Alarm clock went off at 6, but I didn't hit the snooze.
A bombin' in the Middle East, was on the mornin' news.
Reporter said 300 lives were lost when the building caved.
And proudly, half a dozen groups stood up to take the blame.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely; God musta been lonely.

[Verse 2]
Runnin' late, still caught the bus, rain a-pourin' down.
Got to work, to make my rounds, Veterans' home downtown.
One of my old soldiers, fought the war in '41,
lost the battle in the night, the cancer fin'ly won.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely; God musta been lonely.

[Verse 3]
The flowers were beautiful, they brightened up the room.
Made my way to look at them, and take a peek at you.
They said you looked so natural, but I didn't see your smile.
And all that I kept wonderin', was how God could take a child.

[Chorus]
Musta been lonely in Heaven that day.
Musta been too many clouds, or too much rain.
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely; God musta been lonely.

[Tag – Partial Chorus]
Ten thousand angels, and all the brightest stars,
just couldn't put a smile on God's face.
Musta been lonely; God musta been lonely.


Rick Maines
#720063 - 05/13/09 02:41 PM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,255
Greg C. Brown Offline
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Greg C. Brown  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,255
Suffolk, Virginia, USA
Hi Rick. A really clever concept you've got here. I really like it over all, especially the title/hook.

Some people might take exception with the idea of God being selfish, or self-absorbed, that when He gets lonely He calls people home. The fact is, people die everyday all over the world, some under tragic and unnecessary circumstances, others because their time is due. It'll never seem fair to us and we'll often question why.

But from a lyrical standpoint, judging the song and not the subject matter, I think this is really very strong and well-written. The change you made in the first verse takes care of that issue nicely. I, too, wasn't sure of who was praying.

The only other suggestion I have had to do with rhyming '41 (forty-one) with WON. It's really a minor issue, but I'd like to see a better pairing of rhymes that don't sound alike. I'd suggest something like this:

One of my old PATIENTS, fought the war in '41,
Lost the battle in the night, ANOTHER SOLDIER GONE.


Just an idea to consider. Choose it or lose it.

Good luck with this. I think it has potential.

Greg


If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
#720081 - 05/13/09 03:11 PM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Greg C. Brown]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Spring Hill, TN USA
That's good, Greg. I like that change. I had been working that one, but hadn't had much time to work it properly. Thanks.


Rick Maines
#720103 - 05/13/09 03:55 PM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 67
yrralmallik Offline
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yrralmallik  Offline
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Posts: 67
Reporter said 300 lives were lost there, as they prayed.

I acturally like this line the only thing I would change is

Reporter said 300 lives were lost there, as we or I prayed.

Should make a great song.I agree with rhyming one with won also.


Last edited by yrralmallik; 05/13/09 03:55 PM.

Larry G. Killam
#720122 - 05/13/09 04:43 PM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: yrralmallik]  
Joined: Jan 2005
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Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Spring Hill, TN USA
Thanks, Y. I'm not very good at re-writing. But I'm trying to force myself to fix several lyrics.


Rick Maines
#720210 - 05/13/09 08:19 PM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,139
Michelle Chapman Offline
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Michelle Chapman  Offline
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Posts: 1,139
Martinsburg,WV
Hi Rick,
I agree with Greg that some may be offended at the suggestion that God would be toying with us and taking us out,just because he is bored,but then again,many take exception to many songs for various reasons.

..but..this is very well written and I believe that many can relate to this and probably many have at one point or another questioned God's "motives",as to why a young child might be taken ,or people living a godly life,when there are so many evil people out there that the world could do without.

Although I am a firm believer in"all things work for good for those who love the Lord",i have often found myself questioning his timing,though I realize that its not up to me.

I feel in this lyric that you may have captured an emotion or a thought that most would be ashamed to admit,but a thought that everyone has probably had at one time or another.Great job!

Michelle


*****You know I'm a dreamer,but my heart's of gold*****Motley Crue


#720279 - 05/14/09 12:13 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Michelle Chapman]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Posts: 487
Spring Hill, TN USA
Thanks, Michelle. I like this one, a lot, but, again, I'm not the best judge. I think I need to do some co-writing, to learn the trade a bit. Problem is, most of my writes come during the wee hours of the morning (and for me the wee hours really do mean a trip to the bathroom). Anyway, thanks for the uplifting comments.


Rick Maines
#720291 - 05/14/09 01:04 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Rick Maines]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Jody K Smith Offline
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Jody K Smith  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Magnolia, TX
Hey Rick . . .
Don't forget . . . we are here to dig . . . to look for any thing that can possibly be made better. You can definitely write man!! From the structure, to the imagery, to the message - really good . . . I, for one, was just trying to nit-pick. I don't think you need a lyric co-writer . . . you got it!

grin

just wanted to come back and say that.


J.K. Smith
#720318 - 05/14/09 01:56 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Jody K Smith]  
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,526
Polly Hager Offline
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Polly Hager  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,526
Cincinnati, OH USA
I think this is controversial, and that's OKAY! There's a saying, "God picks the prettiest flowers" when a child dies. That's the way I took your lyric.

I remember a haunting photo a girl drew when September 11th hit, and so many people were asking "Where was God???" Her photo was Him, with his arms spread open, and three thousand people before him.

Sometimes songs we write aren't easy or fun, or comfortable. But they come from the heart, and those are the ones that are keepers. Sometimes they are meant to question actions, or thoughts, or laws, or demons within ourselves. That can be healing to other people, who have those same thoughts or issues.

Last edited by Polly Hager; 05/14/09 01:58 AM.

http://www.soundclick.com/pollyhager
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You're supposed to be grooving as hard as you can, all of the time. - Stephen Gaskin
#720360 - 05/14/09 08:18 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Polly Hager]  
Joined: Dec 2008
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Kolstad Offline
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Kolstad  Offline
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Posts: 3,813
Denmark
Hi Rick,

Great write here, I think. I liked the changes you've made in the first verse based on suggestions, but I think the title hook in the chorus became too redundant by adding "God musta been lonely", so for me that addition took interest away.

I guess controversial or not depends on genre and music. I don't think this would be controversial in Country, as the singer can phrase the hook with sad emotion and music can underline it with steel guitar. That way I would think it works even great!

Third verse didn't do it for me. It drifted too far from the theme (where second verse directed attention from over there to domestic issues), and you did not make any setup about children being involved earlier on in the lyric. Throwing the death of a child in there, then makes it a bit forced (and could be interpreted as calculating for tear jerking), for me. It could still work if something before set that direction.

As the music for this probably would be slow to midtempo, three verses got a little long, so I'd rather see a focused bridge (to spin a payoff on the terror in verse one and the veteran theme from verse two) or nothing instead of the third verse. As I write this, I think also verse two is drifting from verse one, but that could be tied together in a bridge - but another verse like the third one, just makes the verses unfocused for me.

Still, I love the idea, the chorus and the theme of this. I think it is very timely, very well done, and deserves to be the best it can be.


Buzz Tracks
Making media sweeter

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#720361 - 05/14/09 08:41 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: Kolstad]  
Joined: Jul 2010
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Brother Rick!

LOVE the Irony in this Piece...GREAT Job, Amigo!

I've had a near-lifetime to Question WHY God took out my Dad when I was 4. I eventually concluded that He's got the power for Reincarnations-Galore...that's How We Got Here..and The Next Assignment's a Far-Better One..(or Worse, if ya believe in Hell.)

& yep, the "Most-Deserving" end up in Heaven..Assuming there IS one. Me, heck, I'd be happy-enough with just Another "Return Trip" like this one!

Beautiful, Brilliant Song, Amigo! Good Luck with it~!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

#720404 - 05/14/09 11:02 AM Re: Musta Been Lonely [Re: ]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 487
Rick Maines Offline
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Rick Maines  Offline
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Posts: 487
Spring Hill, TN USA
Jody - Thanks for the comments. I love to write, but feel I'm still much a newbie to this thing. And, most of what I write, and offer here, have been put together in the wee hours of the morning. Course, that means I don't sleep much either. Thanks again.

Polly - Thanks, too. I typically don't worry about controversy. These days, that takes care of itself. I write for therapy. If writing it gets it off my mind, then it gets written. By the way, I'm looking at a job near your neck of the woods, in northern Kentucky. Maybe I'll see you 'round somewhere.

Magne - Still learning this thing, brother. I appreciate the comments, though. I actually thought about putting a little tag or bridge in there somewhere, but thought it'd make the song too long. I timed it, with my tune, and it was already more than 3 minutes. So I took it out. I wasn't sure it worked anyway. I definitely see your point, but I really was trying for the sentiment of the little girl passing on. I started with that verse, as the first verse. I just wanted to push it to last, for the sentiment. Guess that didn't quite work, huh? I think I'm getting better, though. I think about the comments when I re-re-write. Thanks again.

Tampa - Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the comments. I won't tell you what I believe. You'd think I was crazy.


Rick Maines

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