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This is intended for a female vocalist, but I just wanted to get some feedback in the song before I line up a singer (probably my niece, Aubrey.) As always, all comments and criticisms are welcome.

Shut Up And Tell Me You Love Me
©2009 Mark Schuessler

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7428610

VERSE1
Here at the beach it smells like suntan lotion
You read your text book while I watch the ocean
Then you say I'm like some riddle you can't wrap your head around
You say you're lost now that you've found me

CHORUS
Shut up and tell me you love me, love me
And it'll be all right
Turn off the talk and just hold me, hold me
Come on and hold me tight
Too many words make me crazy, baby, touch me
Shut up and tell me you love me
Shut up and tell me you love me

VERSE2
You say you know there's times that I've been crying
You've seen the teardrops on my mirror drying
You ask me if something in my soul is burning to be free?
Well, maybe I don't know the reason

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
I'm not some theory that your words can prove
I'm not some pawn that needs your help to move
Reach out your hand until you touch my soul
Touch my soul

REPEAT CHORUS

Hi Mark,

I like this little pop song very much!

It works very good, I think. The feeling you convey (I would think) seems very recognizable and universal on the female planet. So it'll be worth working on.

I found the bridge to come in too sudden, and the harmony too dark. I think the song'll be better off with a shorter (two lines) and lighter bridge (musically), really lifting the 'ditty' quality of this to the top.

Perhaps just "Shut up" would make a more intriguing title too?

Well, thats my two cents on this. Good work!

Magne:

Thanks for going over this one.

I was concerned that the bridge might be a little dark...might be a little bit of a downer, but I was trying to change gears a little. Thanks for sharing your impression of the bridge. I have no perspective at all once I've started writing a song so your reaction is very helpful.

"Shut Up" would definitely be an attention grabber. This title seems to long to me but I like the contradiction of telling him to shut up and talk at the same time.

Thanks for the input.

Mark

Hi, Mark

I really liked this, there is a nice light, airy outdoor quality to it.- if that makes sence.

I agree on the bridge though. Perhaps use the stacatto/damped style that you use at the very start of the track for the bridge.



As Magne said a great pop song.

Andy

Andy:

Thanks for the listen and the feedback. I'll try some palm muting on the music in the bridge. When I get the song ironed out I'm hoping to do a full production so that opens up a lot of other options, too.

Thanks, Andy.

Mark

Hi Mark,

This is pretty catchy!

going into the bridge felt awkward ...4,5, flat7 ...from the 5 to the flat7 was weird sounding to me. Then a rather little used phrygian mode melody with a flat 2! ...maybe a little too "Egyptian" for an otherwise folkish pop tune. Otherwise, I have no nits!

Best wishes,

Mike

Hi Mark,

I like this alot. I think it would be a great song for a young female pop artist to sing too.

I hate to say it, but I do agree with the others about the chords in the bridge. I always hate that, because it sounds like a finished recording to me, lol, and I know how I hate to go back and redo in my songs.

Love the tempo and lyrics,vocal and production, think you did good, lol

Letha

Mike:

Thanks for the analysis.

Catchy is something to build on!

Yeah, I tried to change it up in the bridge, change up the chords and the melody...but there are lots of other ways to do it. I really appreciate the honest feedback. That's why I posted a work tape - so I could make the necessary changes before I put together a real production.

Thanks, Mike. I always look forward to reading your critiques (on my songs and everyone elses, too!)

Mark

Letha:

Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to try to get Aubrey to demo this one once I get the kinks worked out.

I'm trying not to get too attached to my songs so I can rip out and replace anything that isn't working...but it's taking some time. I am going to rewrite this bridge before I do a full demo, though. So we'll see how that goes.

I felt a little funny singing this at first, but it was sort of a fun song to sing so I just let it rip.

Mark

Hi Mark,

Very catchy song! At first, I was put off by the Shut Up thing but after the first chorus I loosened up a bit and went with it. I agree, the contradiction is part of the appeal. The rest of it is well written and the music suits it.

The only line that doesn't work for me is this:
"You've seen the teardrops on my mirror drying" Realistically speaking, one would look into a mirror while in front of it, not down at it where tears would fall on it. How about this:
"You've seen the teardrops on my face drying"?
You would have to phrase it a little differently. Anyway, just a thought. Overall, nice feel to this one.

Ricki

Thanks, Ricki. Yeah, I wanted the girl to have some attitude so the hook is a little in your face, but all in all I tried to make it sort of good hearted.

You're right about that teardrops on the mirror line. I had the image of her sort of leaning forward with her forehead against the mirror but but I just tried that and my nose got in the way. I tried make myself cry to see where the tears would fall but I couldn't (even after I thought about what a pain in the butt it will be to rewrite this song!) I'm not sure there's any way to get those teardrops on the mirror...

Actually, the line was originally "...on my pillow drying" but that's pretty cliche, so I was trying to come up with something a little different. "...on my face still drying" works.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Mark

This is a well crafted song in my opinion and well suited to a younger female singer. As you say the production could take it in a number of directions.

I am O.K. with the bridge. It contrasts a lot with the chorus and adds a new dimension which is what a bridge is supposed to do, although it could be one line shorter.

Colin:

Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts. I tried your idea of shortening the bridge by removing the last line and changing the melody of the third line and that works pretty well. I'll keep that in mind when I rewrite the bridge.

Thanks, Colin.

Mark

Hi Mark:

I listened to this the other day but wanted some time to think before I responded.

It pretty much works for me. It's catchy, like all your songs, and I think it's a good hook. Bridge worked for me too.

Like Ricki, I was a little thrown by the way "Shut up and tell me you love me" hits. Yeah, I like the attitude but something didn't quite feel right. It might just be the vocal - it seems a little bit rushed to me at the beginning of the line. What I hear might simply go away when you get Aubrey to sing it. I thought it might come in nicer if you added a measure between the verse and chorus but I just counted it out and that seems too long.

Ahh, wait and see what the new vocalist does. Might just be in my head anyway......

As usual, takes longer to nit than to say I like it - which I really do!

Scott

It works. It does surprise and I think that is what you were after. It is a bit unsettling - a good thing. It gets attention but is not over the top in this regard. I think it is quite effective.

Tom

Scott:

I came up with the lyric hook for this first and I had a hard time coming up with a melody for it. It IS rushed...it's a lot of words to fit into a hook (or a title, for that matter.) So I'm hoping that it sounds better with Aubrey singing it. For future songs I'm going to really try to start with better, shorter lyric hooks (and titles!)

Thanks, Scott.

Mark

Thanks, Tom. I think it's really hard to come up with songs that stand out in a crowd, starting with the title. There are a lot of songs competing for people's attention...even here at JPF it's hard to get more than a handful of people to listen to your song. But that's a good thing, I think. It's sort of a microcosm of the music industry. So I'll just keep trying to write songs that grab people's attention and keep it.

Mark

Hey Mark,

Yep, It's a catchy and smooth pop song, and I agree it needs a female vocalist, but all in all, it's well structured, and just the kind of thing for the 'teen angst' market. I'd work it up further, I think it's a winner.

cheers, nitesift

nite:

Thanks for the encouragement on this one. After I rework the bridge I'm going to put together a full production with Aubrey's vocals and post that. Hopefully, you'll stop back then to give some feedback on the production.

Mark

Hi Mark

Great little contemporary pop piece. Catchy chorus and good flowing melody. Definitely better for a girl voicing or a Girl Band.... like the Donna's (Cincy Polly posted a clip)....

so maybe you could fix the mirror by calling it her 'compact' (held in hand)

You've seen the teardrops on my compact drying

Good wishes for the next round and arrangement - full steam ahead jm

JM:

Thanks for checking this out. I watched the Donna's on youtube and they've got a great sound. I'll have to keep that in mind when I do a full production of this.

I like the idea of the compact because she could actually get tears on it (and it sings well, always big for me!) But I wonder, how would he SEE the tear drops drying. Don't you close a compact when you're done with it? Hmm.

Thanks for sharing your ideas and encouragement.

Mark

Hey Mark,

Long time no see!!

Anyhoo, I liked the hook right from the get-go on this one -- maybe because the beginning of the phrase reminds me of the “Seinfeld” episodes where Elaine would shove Jerry, and shout with feigned yet emphatic disbelief: “Shut UP!” She’s pretty strong for such a petite little thing…

Anyway, the story is endearing in it’s own way….and the song is really catchy; I’ve found myself humming it a bunch since my first listen. I think that’s a good thing, right?

I had just a couple of nits. In the first verse, the transition from the first two lines to the third line seemed somewhat jarring to me. Are the 3rd and 4th lines triggered from reading the text book? I mean, I got past it, but still...

Also, the transition to the bridge seemed a little disparate. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe it was a bit abrupt?

These two transitional matters aside, I enjoyed this one quite a bit.

Thanks for sharing!!

Beth

Beth:

It's great to have you back. I hope your recovery is coming along nicely. We need your wit and insight around here.

You identified the other part of the song that I had a bit of a problem with...the first two lines. Those aren't the original lines. The original lines were:

You say that you're the land and I'm the ocean
You're all analysis and I'm emotion

I was trying to set up the contrast of their characters: he was way overanalytical while she was intuitive and emotional. But the first line was a little vague (the land was supposed to be solid and stable, the ocean fluid and unpredictable) and the second line was all tell no show. Neither line created any scenery, either. So I changed the lines, trying to show and trying to create some atmosphere. I was hoping the textbook was enough to characterize him...I mean, who reads a TEXTbook at the beach?

Anyway, I've been trying to improve my lyric writing but I'm not sure I'm actually getting any better. Mostly, I'm just more aware of all the things I'm doing wrong. But maybe that's the first step.

Thanks, Beth.

Mark

Hi Mark

I absolutely love this, hey, my kinda music, and lyrics, the only nit to me is something is not right in the second verse, golly gosh, but I'm on my learners, and I have to go over a song, and over it, and over it. This song has got it, work on it Mark, it's worth it, the Chorus is spot on, very Catchy.

Aussie fan

Michele

Michele:

Good to see you. I haven't seen you around as much lately. I've missed your enthusiasm.

Thanks for the kind words about this song. Ricki had pointed out the problem with getting the tear drops on the mirror in the second verse. Is that what bothered you?

Michele, thanks for stopping by. I hope your own writing is going well.

Mark

Hi Mark

Checked out what Ricki said, and yes that's it. It was that line that through me, well done Ricki. Cool song, and go the pop songs, cause I just love them. Well done! I also think you pop into the chorus to quickly from the verses, or maybe it just needs more of a lift in the chorus, golly gosh, how do I explain it.

I will check it out again later, gotta pick the kids up from school soon.

Aussie fan
Michele