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Here is a rewrite:
The Sun Over Sinner's Bridge
© 2008 Brenda McBryde

Went to say his last prayer that night on Sinner's Bridge
His head and a bottle in hand hung over the edge
Because of all the empty bottles and empty affairs
She never knew how much he really cared
She finally had her fill and left for good this time
He would finally drowned himself in wine

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

As he stood there deep in thought a ray of light
Hit the bottle hard and shot right into his eyes
His hands went straight to his eyes to block the blazing glow
The splash he heard meant he'd let the bottle go
It was only half empty he wasn't ready
Not drunk enough to have the guts and angry

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

(bridge)
He opened his eyes and white wings of a dove fluttered by
A sign to him on how to begin his life again
The only peace he'll find is to leave the bottle behind

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge






Not finished by any means with this, but I need to know if it is even worth working on. Is it just too "same old story"?

The Sun Over Sinners' Bridge
© 2008 Brenda McBryde

Because of all his empty bottles and affairs
She never knew how in his heart he really cared
And when she finally did leave
It brought him to his knees
A whole life drowned in wine
with no second chance in sight
He walked the plank called Sinners Bridge
His head and a bottle in hand hung over the edge

As the sun began to fight the dark
A ray of light hit the bottle hard
A spark shot right into his eyes



Darkness comes to an end
Thanks to the sun over sinner's bridge
The sun rises higher
Than the bridge towers over the water
Shining a light on the view
Helping to light the way for God's fallen few

His hands went to his eyes to block the blazing glow
When he heard the splash he knew he'd let the bottle go
It was his dawning moment
That Heavenly light sent
A subtle sign to him
On just how to begin
To walk away and live a new life
Leave the bottle behind and pick up The Bible each night

it is the same old story but it could be tuned and tweaked to be something newly said

Brenda: I would start off with this line: "He walked the plank called Sinners Bridge" mainly because it is a strong visual and captures the imagination right away. The current starting lines are sort of "fluffy" (that's a technical term). Build the verse and story from there.

One problem though, a "plank" has an end and you walk off, but a bridge connects two things so you can cross over something. So you have a mixed metaphor that is going to be difficult to resolve.

Kevin

That's a dang good hook Brenda.
Worthy of puttin in some work on
The story is pretty loose as of now but there's a good song in there
Yeah, I think the plank needs to go.
I'll try to get back and look better
I wish I'd have thought of that hook myself.
It's got lots of potential IMO. Stay with it
WyMud

Brenda,
a story of salvation is definitely worth working on. What a great idea you have. Forget about poetry in this one. It's pure story. Sinner's bridge is a real place at the center of the story. Don't give away the ending too quickly.

have fun,
John

Thank you for the great feedback Gary, Kevin, Wy, and John!!
I will keep at this one. Think I will start with him at the bridge, Kevin. I used plank to get across that he was planning on jumping off, but I can come up with another way. Wy, I'm going to rewrite and rearrange the story, thanks! You are right, John, do away with the poetry. The first write was extremely poetic (this was a rewrite of that so hopefully the next write will be closer). I've decided to rewrite the chorus too.

Here is a rewrite:
The Sun Over Sinner's Bridge
© 2008 Brenda McBryde

Went to say his last prayer that night on Sinner's Bridge
His head and a bottle in hand hung over the edge
Because of all the empty bottles and empty affairs
She never knew how much he really cared
She finally had her fill and left for good this time
He would finally drowned himself in wine

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

As he stood there deep in thought a ray of light
Hit the bottle hard and shot right into his eyes
His hands went straight to his eyes to block the blazing glow
The splash he heard meant he'd let the bottle go
It was only half empty he wasn't ready
Not drunk enough to have the guts and angry

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

(bridge)
He opened his eyes and white wings of a dove fluttered by
A sign to him on how to begin his life again
The only peace he'll find is to leave the bottle behind

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines a new light for those still standing on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
Before she has had the time to rise
There is a lonely splash into the depths
And so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

Brenda how 'bout something in your chorus like this?

That sun over sinner's bridge
casts shadows of doubt along it's edge
for those who hope to see the way
It races against the dark
to open up minds and hearts
of those who have somehow lost their faith

Brenda,
I think this is closer. I really like in v2 the ray of sun hitting the bottle and him dropping it.

I'm really enamored with the distinction between what happens after sundown (to give the bridge its nickname) and what happens at sunrise (dropping the bottle).

John

Thanks again Gary and John! This really is not as good as it could/should be, not sure I can do it myself but you are helping!! I rewrote the chorus and a bit on the bridge.

Brenda,
I think this chorus is better. The dove in the bridge is kind of a surprise. The ray of light makes him drop the bottle. The ray of light is his ray of light.

otherwise you might just let it sit a while. Come back to it later and see if it satisfies you. If not why not?

looking good,
John

Brenda. I really like the sinner's bridge, I think it's great to tell your story around, and it tells a good story whichever way you go with it. I would change plank to something like, "walked the path to sinners bridge". The path to get to this bridge, I think it fits better. Good job.

Brenda- I like this. Verse two touches me and I think it is well written. I think the bridge, "he opened his eyes and white wings of a dove..." is perfect.

I really like the idea of this song! I don't know if you'll like them or not, but I had some ideas.

Went to say his last prayer that night on Sinner's Bridge
BOTTLE IN HAND, AND HIS HEAD hung over the edge
WITH ALL the empty bottles, MEANINGLESS affairs
She never knew how much he really cared
She finally had her fill and left for good this time
COULDN'T WATCH HIM drown himself in wine

(chorus)
The sun over Sinner's Bridge
Shines IT'S light for those still on the edge
But in the darkness of so many nights
THAT SUN RAN OUT OF time to rise
THE lonely splash into the depths
OF so many souls who'll never rest
Another cross placed upon the ridge
Calling for the sun over Sinner's Bridge

As he stood there deep in thought a ray of light
Hit the bottle hard and shot right into his eyes
His hands HIS DEFENSE to block the blazing glow
A SUDDEN SPLASH meant he'd let the bottle go
It was only half empty he wasn't ready
Not drunk enough to have the guts, STILL angry

Thank you all so much for the comments and suggests, we are working on the music and it is coming along really well!