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#697745 - 03/02/09 02:06 AM Run Away (At the Water's Edge)  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
This is where it stands right now....it's going into hibernation now... sleep Thank you to everybody who offered insights, suggestions and support to me. It's ALL very helpful!! smile

Run Away, Run Away
©2008 Kristi McKeever - March 11, 2009 VERSION 3

When I think of you
I think of me
All the surprises
All the sunrises

A friend for me
A friend for you
Late night lovin’
Or doing nothin’

Take in a movie
Take out dinner
Bring me home safely
Do something crazy

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL WITH THE TIDE
LIKE A BLANKET UNFOLDING, THEY OPEN WIDE
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
WRAPPED IN LOVE'S CARESS
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

Drive along the beach
Go ahead drive me wild
The moon is on our side
Going for the ride

Walk along the pier
Walk and talk all night
Hold my hand, caress it
Take our love, express it

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL WITH THE TIDE
LIKE A BLANKET UNFOLDING, THEY OPEN WIDE
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
WARMED BY LOVE'S CARESS
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

[br]
As the seagulls take their dives and the water tumbles free
I’ll SEE you again soon, where our love came to be

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL WITH THE TIDE
LIKE A BLANKET UNFOLDING, THEY OPEN WIDE
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away
------------------------
Run Away (At the Water’s Edge)
©2008 Kristi McKeever March 9, 2009 REVISED 2

When I think of you
I think of me
All the surprises
OCEAN sunrises

A friend for me
A friend for you
Late night lovin’
Or doing nothin’

SEASIDE CONCERTS
SEASON OF SINGING
PICK ME A DAISY
Do something crazy

[ch]
When I’m alone and missing you
There’s a place I can always run away to
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL IN TO SHORE
AND FEEL THE BREEZE LIKE FROM AN OPEN DOOR
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
WRAPPED IN LOVE'S CARESS
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

Drive along the beach
Go ahead drive me wild
The moon is on our side
Going for the ride

Walk along the pier
Walk and talk all night
Hold my hand caress it
Take our love, express it

[ch]
When I’m alone and missing you
There’s a place I can always run away to
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL IN TO SHORE
AND FEEL THE BREEZE LIKE FROM AN OPEN DOOR
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
WARMED BY LOVE'S CARESS
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

[br]
As the seagulls take their dives and the water tumbles free
I’LL SOON SEE YOU AGAIN, where our love came to be

[ch]
When I’m alone and missing you
There’s a place I can always run away to
I WATCH THE WAVES GENTLY ROLL IN TO SHORE
AND FEEL THE BREEZE LIKE FROM AN OPEN DOOR
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in THIS lover's net
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away
---------------------------
Run Away (At the Water’s Edge)
©2008 Kristi McKeever ------ORIGINAL

When I think of you
I think of me
All the surprises
All the sunrises

A friend for me
A friend for you
Late night lovin’
Or doing nothin’

Take in a movie
Take out dinner
Bring me home safely
Do something crazy

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like a blanket it opens wide
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

Drive along the beach
Go ahead drive me wild
The moon is on our side
Going for the ride

Walk along the pier
Walk and talk all night
Hold my hand, caress it
Take our love, express it

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like a blanket it opens wide
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

[br]
As the seagulls take their dives and the water tumbles free
I hope to meet you here again soon, where our love came to be

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like a blanket it opens wide
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge
Run away, run away

Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 03/11/09 09:34 PM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#697756 - 03/02/09 03:09 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
Top 50 Poster

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
California
Hi Kristi,

The opening three stanzas sound so casual rolling off the tongue, slant rhymes and all, yet express so much about being in love..."when I think of you/I think of me" --that's really nice.

At the end of the chorus, "run away, run away" is (for me) like an incantation she's repeating there, caught up in the memory and ocean and all...I think you've got the title right, or maybe just "Run Away, Run Away".

The thing with the bridge is it's coming right after the chorus where you really sell how good she is at "running away" into her imagination, so much so that "I hope to meet you here again soon" sounds a little awkward to me...It's a little "formal" sounding too, compared to the relaxed casualness everywhere else...consider trying something in a similar (casual) tone, like "maybe we'll meet..." or something like that.

It's pretty cliche free, the lyric strikes me as being light and airy, elegant, sexy, visual, confident, AND vulnerable. A really strong write, and enjoyable read... smile

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/02/09 06:12 AM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#697784 - 03/02/09 05:52 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
Wow..it's like a Breath of Fresh Salt Ocean Air...Delicious!

Caried me along like a Willing Seagull--Very Smooth Job, Mz Sunshine. "KUDOS" for your Fine Job~

Big Hugs,
Stan

#697858 - 03/02/09 01:18 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: ]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Wyman Lloyd Offline
Wyman Lloyd  Offline

Top 30 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Missouri
Hi Kristi,
Yeah I think you've got tHe title right, but Run Away, Run Away, as Michael had it, might be even better.
Right , the first half of th 2nd B line sounds "contrived" compared to the rest of the song.
Another take on the Bridge

[br]
As the seagulls DIP AND DIVE and the water tumbles free
I KNOW I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN where our love came to be

OR
[br]
As the seagulls DIP AND DIVE and the water tumbles free
I'LL SOON SEE YOU AGAIN where our love came to be

OR
[br]
As the seagulls DIP AND DIVE and the water tumbles free
I'll MEET YOU AGAIN where our love came to be

Just thimking out loud
A good write
WyMud





#697874 - 03/02/09 01:54 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,226
Douglas Murphy Offline
Top 40 Poster
Douglas Murphy  Offline
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,226
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Kristi

I would go with "Run Away" as the title/hook.

Really enjoyed the verses BUT did not feel that the chorus supported them or even highlighted them.

For me it is the chorus that is holding the lyric back.

When 'singing' it the verses flowed and as I approached the chorus I was looking for a 'climb' of sorts (lyrically) but again I did not feel it.

Just an opinion. Nothing serious and nothing more.

Douglas


"Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver

www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Skype Contact: douglas.murphy8
#697880 - 03/02/09 02:07 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
Hi Kristi gal.... you mentioned stewing..... and I have to tell you I feel the biggest part of this writing is excellent...
very lovely writing. Actually all of it is...imo...

this bridge line....
I absolutely love.........

As the seagulls take their dives and the water tumbles free

I'm going to disagree on the Title....
I would go... At the Water's Edge.......as WYMAN knows...
grin I'm rather FOND grin of that line...(In fact...I'se been
trying to have him use that line or a similar one....
in one of our songs :D, not the title gal though and it was just a matter of you and I thinking alike there on a GOOD line.. grin (i'm picking on Wy )


BUT in your doing so...gal......If you do use the Water's Edge...
I'd consider taking a look at your chorus again...and the placement of the line...... As it is right now.....
your run away title is stronger. I think it's stronger in my mind...to end with water's edge...

Ok..something else I paused on...and I think I'm lone in my seeing of this....

I positively love your writing from the chorus down....
but I'm not so certain the first 3 stanzas (especially 2 and 3) set up the chorus quite as strongly as it could.... are you seeing it run into that first chorus the way you were hoping it would? ...
That's where I pause.... Somehow...I think those first 3 stanzas should stay as casual..and playful as you have them now...but more hints...of going into that beachier chorus....

Anyways..that's how I saw it last night.....
and this morning.

From the first chorus down....
It's connected...for me...........

regardless...strong...contemporary writing, Kristi. I always
enjoy seeing what you come up with....

best....
Hugs,
Kaley smile



#697891 - 03/02/09 02:47 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kaley Willow]  
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 840
Brenda152 Offline
Serious Contributor
Brenda152  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 840
San Antonio,TX USA
Really like this!! Simple lines that are big on emotion, way to write!!!! Run Away works for the title, but for me it is all about being at the water's edge...so I would title it "At The Water's Edge" but that's me.

#697897 - 03/02/09 03:20 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
Top 100 Poster
Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Mike,

It’s so helpful to hear how it comes across. That’s pretty much what I had in mind…the “run away” being like an incantation… I like your idea of making the title, Run Away, Run Away in that sense. I’ve been asking myself is this about the place or the narrator's state of mind, so the title has eluded me... It seems you aren’t alone in the bridge needing to be a bit more casual in tone. I couldn’t agree more….I often have trouble with bridges and sometimes just throw something in… whistle Hmmmm…..okay, will think on it!

Hey, thanks so much for your great list of adjectives there!! smile

You’ve given me good things to ponder here…and I appreciate your kind words and having your input! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#697899 - 03/02/09 03:30 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: ]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Stan,

Well now….no nits?

Thanks for those nice comments, Stan! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#697902 - 03/02/09 03:40 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
Top 100 Poster
Kristi McKeever  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Wy,

Yes, I like Mike’s idea of the double Run Away, Run Away too…(don’t scroll down to Kaley’s response, though! grin )

The bridge is funny, because I was actually thinking the last part of the 2nd line sounded contrived! (where our love came to be) Ha ha

I like your ideas for that line….and having a couple to choose from is so much fun! Still not sure about the “came to be” though….arghh...(I guess if it doesn't bother anybody, I should be quiet! lol)

Thanks for your good ideas! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#697918 - 03/02/09 04:30 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
Michael Zaneski Offline
Top 50 Poster
Michael Zaneski  Offline
Top 50 Poster

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
California
Originally Posted by Kristi McKeever
Hi Wy,

Yes, I like Mike’s idea of the double Run Away, Run Away too…(don’t scroll down to Kaley’s response, though! grin )

The bridge is funny, because I was actually thinking the last part of the 2nd line sounded contrived! (where our love came to be) Ha ha

I like your ideas for that line….and having a couple to choose from is so much fun! Still not sure about the “came to be” though….arghh...(I guess if it doesn't bother anybody, I should be quiet! lol)

Thanks for your good ideas! smile

Kristi


Aaah haha , too late, Kristy! grin

Yeah, "came to be" is rather formal too, but it passed my radar because it registered a "special moment" for her, and so she thinks of it in kind of an awesome way, like she "stands back" and observes it with reverence, and so "came to be" seemed fitting...Formal, yes, but fitting, imo...

"At Waters Edge" IS very classy sounding; "Run Away, Run Away" is an "attention getter", though, cuz it's the opposite of what one usually hears, and of course the incantatory aspect...

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/02/09 04:42 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#697919 - 03/02/09 04:33 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Wyman Lloyd Offline
Wyman Lloyd  Offline

Top 30 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Missouri
""""
(don’t scroll down to Kaley’s response, though! )
"""""""" That pipsqueak is barely dry behind the ears. How much Could she know? <G>
The last part of B line 2 works for me but I guess if you don'r like it , you could say something like
"" by our ______ ,________ sea
WyMud

#697933 - 03/02/09 05:21 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
excuse me for interrupting...Kristi....but Wy...I've been meaning to tell you and it seems like such a perfect time....

your Name stands out so much more...
hmmmmm..so much more....I can't find my word...just a second....

Your name...has a much more elegant tone....when it appears as.......Wymud.....with a small "m" ... grin grin grin

and remember I have yet to comment on Beth's comment on how nice we are during our collaborations.... grin

excuse Me Kristi...this thread is about you and your song...and I will RESTRAIN smile ....myself from commenting and taking it off topic henceforth.<G>....

best...
Kaley smile

#697937 - 03/02/09 05:32 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Douglas Murphy]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
Top 100 Poster
Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Douglas,

Yes, Kaley mentioned that too..the verses not mentioning the beach and such. In my notes I have a question about whether or not it needs a lift. Having one would most likely address that…

BUT….I can, at the same time, see how all the activities in the verses can be done by the beach and are places where the narrator “runs away” to, I just don’t mention the beach (well….there’s “sunrises”). I was hoping the first line in the chorus incorporated that. Movies may be a stretch though…are there movies near the beach?

Your points are well-taken and I shall think about what to do about that. Appreciate your candor, that’s what I want, so thank you for taking the time to offer your perspective! (and thanks for weighing in on the title...) smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#697966 - 03/02/09 06:29 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Good stuff, Kristi. I absolutely love the 1st 3 verses. Was taken aback by the shift from a general, anyone can identify with scene, to a beach motif. I honestly would have preferred staying land-locked. Nothing against the beach (LOVE it!). I guess, cold though it is (brrrrr...), my mind wasn't ready for the sudden change. Don't get me wrong...the rest is swell. wink

Maybe u could save those first 3 nuggets for a non-beach song and put something in there that sounds beachy from the get-go? Don't shoot me...I bet everyone else is loving it just the way it is (I don't read other posts). However, u seem like the type who prefers absolute honesty. smile

Great job, regardless!
fnf

#698018 - 03/02/09 09:38 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Joice Marie Offline
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Hi Kristi

Nice write.... I'd prefer a subtle connection to the ocean before I got to the chorus. So I offer this... if you use 'At the water's edge ' you have that connection, but Still not 'til the chorus....

I prefer also run away, run away, I think.. Hope this helps smile jm


When I think of you
I think of me
All the surprises
OCEAN sunrises

A friend for me
A friend for you
Late night lovin’
STARS HOVERIN'


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#698045 - 03/02/09 10:38 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Joice Marie]  
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'Scuse me Kristi,
Oh yeah KK? Well I think "YOUR name would be better like
Kaley Eucalyptus--Its much more EXOTIC. WILLOW is so, well I
dunno, but so SOMETHING. <G>
Thanks Kristi
WyMud
(I hadda' ask Google how to spell it <G>)

#698060 - 03/02/09 11:04 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
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No problem, Wy…hope you’re feeling better now... whistle

(Kaley, it’s okay…want equal time…? grin )


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698061 - 03/02/09 11:10 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kaley Willow]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Going back to where I left off...Hi Kaley! smile

Well, that’s just it. I like “At the Water’s Edge” in and of itself. I just don’t know if that is coloring my perspective. I have to ask myself, what is this lyric trying to say? Mike makes a good point about “Run Away, Run Away” being like a mantra the narrator is saying and like I said, is the lyric about the narrator’s state of mind or the place the state of mind goes to? (If that makes sense…!) Hmmmm…

As far as setting up the chorus, yes, I see what you mean….I do appreciate your thoughts and see your point…I’ll take another look.

So Kaley, I’m very curious from a creative perspective to see that lyric you mention that “At the Water’s Edge” is in (at some point!). Let me know when you post it! The girls here are all in agreement, as far as liking that line….! So if you have a chance to use it…..FIGHT for that line, Kaley! Fight for it, girl!!! wink

Appreciate all your thoughts….thanks! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698062 - 03/02/09 11:14 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Brenda152]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Hi Brenda,

Well, thank you! I’m glad to know your take on the title. “At the Water’s Edge” does sound more romantic, doesn’t it? I hate being so torn…. tired

Thanks for taking the time to weigh in…! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698068 - 03/02/09 11:23 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Hi Mike,

Well, yes, that is it….what you describe…"came to be" serves to emphasize the special time/moment/place for the narrator….it just sounds so….ya know…fake and formal to me. I wanted to say “where our love runs free” but I have free in the first line, which I like with the tumbling water. But I guess if it fits…and nobody says anything!!…then I shouldn’t be tampering with it!! What’s wrong with me! I have other problems! :o

You’re right, of course, about the titles too. You have such great insight into things…it’s very helpful! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698074 - 03/02/09 11:31 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Wyman Lloyd]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Wy & Kaley,

Not to worry Kaley….if I can help you in any way, shape or form convince Wy to use that line, let me know what I can do! grin

Wy, your suggestion there for using “by the such ‘n such sea” is noted. Thank you! Appreciate it. smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698078 - 03/02/09 11:38 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Kristi,

Formal doesn't necessary mean "fake"; isn't there a place for formal?

Even with this singer whose thoughts flow so casual, maybe it's a nice contrast there, and possibly fitting, that the place where they fell in love get's the "formal language"...try it with something more "casual", I'm betting it just won't sound right...too throw-away then...how could it be a special place?
just some thoughts... smile

"came to be" is just an infinite, not that "formal"...maybe more "timeless" (which is what you are going for) and a little Shakespearean, lol?

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/02/09 11:42 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#698080 - 03/02/09 11:39 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Frank N Furter]  
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Hi Frank,

Thank you for your candor. Yes. I prefer honesty and appreciate the time people take to offer constructive crits…

I mentioned to someone that in the first 3 verses, to me, “all the sunrises” was a beach reference…I realize it’s very, very general, it’s just what was in my mind at the time. The other two, yes, have no reference specifically to the beach. I think Joice has a couple of good ideas soo…..

Thanks again…and yes, always give it to me straight! wink

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698083 - 03/02/09 11:49 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Joice!

Just in time! smile

I am very happy to have your suggestions. I was just looking it over to try to incorporate something…I like those ideas, a lot.

Now that I’ve been thinking about this, the Run Away, Run Away title seems to fit the idea of the lyric better, even though I LIKE the sound of At the Water’s Edge… but I learned a long time ago that just because something is a pleasant image, doesn't mean it needs to be there if it's blocking something else.

I'm gonna see about using those suggs for the verses....Thanks so much, Joice…always appreciate your time and ideas…. smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698089 - 03/03/09 12:03 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Mike,

Hmmmmm....I can't argue with that...especially if you're throwing in the Shakespearean slant to support it! grin

By fake I meant, who says that? ("Came to be?") in conversation...ya know? Unless...yes....unless they are giving a high regard for something. "That's how the cotton gin came to be"....or "that's how the legend came to be"...so then this important time/place would deservingly get the formal treatment like you explained....

I think you're right (again). What can I say? grin (..maybe....thank you...! I just needed to talk it out...)

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698107 - 03/03/09 12:28 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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I danced all around giving you an "articulate" reason, but you nailed it, you had the "aha" moment, so give yourself a high five! grin



Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#698109 - 03/03/09 12:29 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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John Hoffman Offline
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Kristi,
It looks to me like you actually have two different songs going on here. The verses are one and the chorus is the other.

they could be tied together but they could be developed separately too.

I like both of them so far.

don't fret,have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#698127 - 03/03/09 01:02 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Mike,

smile Thanks! Short-lived as it may be…reading John’s post….ha ha grin

But I need to talk things through sometimes….as you can see….appreciate the help and encouragement!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698129 - 03/03/09 01:07 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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S.DEE Offline
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Kristy,nice There’s a place I can always (go back to.
(come back to,

Just a sugg for this line. Why do you run away instead of just simply (go to)?? Then you could use (At the waters Edge)

I hope to meet you here again soon, (rekindle our love by the sea
( let our love flow by the sea

Just a few suggs will read again tuesday eve. Nice Kristy. Dee

#698131 - 03/03/09 01:08 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: John Hoffman]  
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John,

:o Two songs? What? I’m fretting! Hey, I’m actually not surprised to hear you say that. What if I changed the first line of the chorus to this:

There’s a time I can always run away to

I see how the verses are talking about actions they did together. They did those actions in a place -- a beach area—but she’s (is it established that this is a “she”? I may be the writer, but does it have female language or something?) thinking back to those activities…but it’s when she looks off at the water’s edge that all those memories come back.

I'm going to put in some of the suggs and hope that helps tie them together...

Appreciate the feedback...! (Seriously, I do!) grin

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698150 - 03/03/09 02:34 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Hey Kristi...

Sorry I haven't been over sooner, but you know how it is!! grin

So first off, let me repeat how much I enjoy the subtlety of your language choices ; accordingly, you're holding steady on my hate list! mad grin I loved the first three verses especially -- you're gettin' downright "Calvinesque" in your writing style.

Stiil, I also felt the transition from their locale-non-specific essence to the ocean/beach imagery of the chorus was a bit abrupt. It wasn't so much that I wasn't expecting it (given your preface about hook consideration for "Water's Edge"), but I think I was so entranced by where you were "taking me" leading up to the chorus I was thrown off.

You've already received some great suggestions, and I believe Joice is leading you in the right direction. I think yes, you need to introduce the beach/ocean/water element earlier ....

When I think of you
I think of me
All the surprises
SEASIDE sunrises

....then JM's idea follows nicely.

I think the biggest disconnect for me was the absence of a true set up for the "this is what I do/where I go when I'm missing you" idea -- which for me, is the crux of the song. Perhaps if you used that third verse as a lift of some sort???....

Take in a movie I KNOW YOU MUST GO
Take out dinner I KNOW WHAT TO DO
TIL WE'RE home safely
Do something crazy

Surely not the best alternative, but hopefully it'll help you in some small way. Food for thought, at the very least....

As an aside, I thought would be neat to include the idea of making 'SAND ANGELS' (i.e., "doing something crazy"). I don't know where or how, I just thought it would be a romantic and playful beach scene....

Everything else I'm good with -- including the original bridge (and some of Wy's suggs).

So have fun, and remember -- I think you have all the right elements here for a good song (or two !) -- just not necessarily in the order which best shows off your story. smile

I look forward to seeing where you take this, girlie!

Ciao for now,
Beth smile


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#698151 - 03/03/09 02:36 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) *DELETED* [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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Post deleted by Beth G. Williams


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#698194 - 03/03/09 08:37 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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HI Kristi,

Well, you've sure got lots of suggestions to think about from some TALENTED people.

I vote for - (AT THE WATER'S EDGE)

Good luck & thinks for sharing your lyric with us.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#698221 - 03/03/09 11:04 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Calvin]  
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Wow Kristi,

I guess I was tired last night....I just went to see if you had responded to my PM about this...but I couldn't find it....so I came over here to see if you'd seen my critique yet...and LO AND BEHOLD, there was my PM! :o

Good thing I didn't post that inside information we have on the winning lottery tickets for this week grin !

Sorry for any confusion....

Beth the Befuddled crazy


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#698242 - 03/03/09 12:04 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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Kristi,
I forgot to answer your question. My title choice would be "The Water's Edge".

have fun,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#698503 - 03/04/09 01:23 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: S.DEE]  
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Hi Dee,

Thank you so much for your suggestions.

Well, I used “run away” instead of “go to” because the narrator is letting her mind run away with her….kind of like one’s imagination runs wild, ya know? She’s missing someone so it’s her “escape”…into the past....To me, the lines all point to that hook, but maybe not….??

Your bridge ideas are good….we’ll see what my fickle mind decides in the long run for that line!

I do appreciate your feedback! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698505 - 03/04/09 01:33 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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Hey Beth,

What a compliment! “Calvinesque!” Thank you so much! smile

I am so glad to have your input! You are always more than helpful….!

Your ideas for the first two lines got me thinking…and so here I go trying to follow that subtle structure I see you noticed that I had started…..does this give it the set up it seems to need…??

(I kind of like V2 the way it is, so that means V3 needs those beach elements….) how about something like....(this is fresh out of the oven now....)

V3:

Seaside concerts
Season of singing
Gather some daisies
Do something crazy

Alright now……give it to me straight!!…whaddya think….along these lines….? confused

Thanks again for your astute observations, my friend! And HEY! I'm ready for my lottery winnings...lol wink

Oh. I forgot. I would put "Ocean sunrises" in verse 1....

Kristi

Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 03/04/09 01:36 AM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698507 - 03/04/09 01:46 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Calvin]  
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Hi Calvin,

Yeah…lots of great suggestions and comments….much to ponder! lol

And thanks for voting! grin

Appreciate you coming by….

(btw, thanks for the good luck...I hope we win the lottery too!) grin (...I'm teasing Beth...)

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698510 - 03/04/09 01:53 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: John Hoffman]  
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Hi John,

...."The Water's Edge"...okay...title preference noted.

Thank you for telling me! smile

I have a new idea for V3 in my response to Beth....hoping that helps tie the verses to the chorus (?)...I'd like to keep it as one song, if at all possible. My fretting is under control...no worries.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698516 - 03/04/09 02:33 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Hey Girl,

The numbers are 6-8-26-41-42-43 wink !

But back to the song. Given my obvious level of tiredness last night blush , I'm glad you could even make sense of what I wrote. I'm even more delighted to hear it was helpful in some way...

So per your request, let me give you my-off-the-cuff impressions of this new Verse 3:

Not surprisingly, I like the imagery you've used -- though I'd prefer to make the daisy singular, for a cleaner rhyme.

Seaside concerts
Season of singing
Gather some daisies Pick me a daisy
Do something crazy


And in combo with the other verses, it does help set up the "locale" for the chorus.

Still (and again, I might be just totally off the mark here), I think you need to better establish the "why?" of the chorus. Currently, you start out by describing this great relationship which has elements of the "ocean"...and then you describe how you know to go to the ocean when you're missing him. I think there's a missing link here, which still could be addressed in Verse 3. Loosely:

V1 and V2 -- set up relationship, with important element of water

V3 -- introduce idea that though they have such a great time together, she has something to fall back on when he's away and she's on her own

Chorus: Define where she goes, what she does, why, etc. (basically, as you have it....though you might even consider switching the first two lines of the chorus, so you underscore what the scenario is all based upon....

When I’m alone and missing you
There’s a place I can always run away to


Again, simply more food for thought.

As an aside, I've found the broad spectrum of interpretations you've received on this one to be quite intriguing. Have any thoughts about why?

Anyhoo, have fun sussing thru all the suggestions -- but don't work too hard...once the fun is gone, you might just as well fughedaboudit !!!

See ya Kristi....
Beth


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#698536 - 03/04/09 05:51 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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Stag Offline
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Finally. Another of your lyrics Kristi. I can repay the critiquing favour.

Now the verses, for me, are pure gold. The form of repetition you're using will instantly familiarise with the listener's ear, making this an extremely catchy tune. The bridge is solid imagery, I enjoy it as well. For me, the weakest part is the chorus. Mainly because, considering it's length, it's not saying as much for me. I think you're trying to keep up a rhyme scheme too much, and not focusing as much on content.

[ch]
There’s a place I can always run away to
When I’m alone and missing you
I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like a blanket it opens wide(This line, for instance, is throwaway for me. It's not adding much to the imagery, and it's also backward speak.)
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet(This imagery also seems a bit contradictory. Might just be me...but with these two lines, I imagine a peaceful tide that strays just far enough to caress a couple's feet...but the earlier two lines 'rolling out the tide, opening wide' indicate more of a rough wave picture. It's not working as much for me.)
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge (Is this also supposed to be a rhyme, by the way? I think it's a bit of a stretch, as net and edge, don't sound too similar. It could be remedied when sung, but I dunno. Edge has the 'j' sound which is difficult to disguise)
Run away, run away



Just my opinion. Take it with the doctor's order of salt or sugar.

Cheers

#698747 - 03/04/09 11:37 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hiya Beth,

“Pick me a daisy!” Of course! I can always count on you….. wink (“Season of singing” didn’t bother ya, huh?) Okay, so I plugged in some suggs from you and others (up top)…and am seeing how those flow… it’s a process….I don’t expect it to ever really be “done”! Ha ha (You know what I mean!!)

I don’t know that I understand what you’re saying about better establishing the “why” in the chorus. What “why” exactly? She’s alone is the only answer I have for that.

I like your idea of switching the first two lines of the chorus to underscore her missing him, but I don’t know….I don’t know… confused

I also do not know about the “why” of people’s interpretations that you’re asking me about. Do you? Ha ha

Yes….you are right…gotta keep the fun…..always!

Thank you so much for offering your keen insights and creative eyes…always appreciated, Beth!! wink

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#698755 - 03/05/09 12:15 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Stag]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Stag,

I don’t know if you come back and read comments, but got 53 seconds? Click this link. Or just FF to 47 seconds and watch the last 6 seconds:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-hoXGihQ2U&NR=1

THAT is this (minus the couple!):

“I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like a blanket it opens wide
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge

The ocean can roll out a gentle tide, no? Net/edge have the same short e sound to my ears….that’s all I was going for really…and yes, the singer would tell us. smile

Anyway…I appreciate your honesty. Wouldn’t want it any other way! whistle Thanks for your nice comments on the verses but I am experimenting and have changed V3 (for now!) to try to link this thing together….you can "repay" that last crit (Ack) ( grin ) if you’d like, by letting me know what you think of the revisions, up top…!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#699877 - 03/09/09 05:45 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Stag Offline
Serious Contributor
Stag  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Heya Kristi. Sorry it took me sooooo long to get back to this one. You know how things go. Anyhmm...

Watched the video. I guessed, in a sense, what you were trying to convey. But I still feel that the choice of wording in 'wide' is misleading. Opening wide, just keeps making me think of a large wave. But then you lose the rhyme, if you don't use it. And of course, there's always definitely option B, which is that, well, it's just me.

Your altered verse retains it's flow, and I still like that. But I'm not too sold on the fact that there are daisy's right on the beach. I've never seen any, that's for sure.

Cheers

#700045 - 03/09/09 07:07 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
yann Offline
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yann  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,037
france
Hi Kristi,

i'm a bit late, but I 'll just say the revised version reads like it doesn't need any more improvement, from a lyrical point of view. I especially like your images and your conciseness. You definitely ranks among the romantically-inclined on this forum smile.
I'd like to hear it with music.

Take care,
Yann.

Last edited by yann; 03/09/09 07:08 PM.

"Honey, I know, I know, I know times are changin' / It's time we all reach out 4 something new" (Prince)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Yann-Causeret/113543418669413?ref=nf
#700093 - 03/09/09 09:41 PM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
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Terry G  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Kristi,

I've been trying get some concrete grasp of the ocean tide lines.
I swim in the ocean every summer cause I live on a small island.

So if you are referring to the outgoing tide, then to me what is NEW
a few hours later, is a greater expanse of beach sand. So this would be more meaningful to me and to your subject matter:

“I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like OUR blanket THE SANDS OPEN wide
There you are holding me
As the water surrounds our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge

But then it seems you have the tide rolling IN
as the water reaches your feet. (?)

But staying with a receeding tide you could have:

“I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like OUR blanket THE SANDS OPEN wide
There you are holding me
As the water FALLS AWAY FROM our feet ___ (recedes / Stops lapping at our feet/etc
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge

“I watch the ocean roll out the tide
Like OUR blanket THE SANDS OPEN wide
There you are holding me
The water NO MORE BATHING our feet
Caught in a lover’s net
At the water’s edge

Rapt in love's carress (Wrapped)
At the water's edge

INCOMING TIDE

“I watch the ocean roll IN the tide
Like a blanket to COVER you and I
There you are holding me
The water BLESSING our feet
RAPT in LOVE'S CARESS
At the water’s edge

Warmed by love's caress
At the water's edge.

Terry




#700139 - 03/10/09 01:08 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Stag]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
Top 100 Poster
Kristi McKeever  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Stag....now you have... grin

[Linked Image]

Actually, I have an idea for the chorus....you and Terry have got me experimenting (I put it in)...so we'll see...I'm still not sure which lines I like better...but it's fun to play around with it...thanks for the challenge....ha ha whistle

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#700142 - 03/10/09 01:13 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: yann]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
Top 100 Poster
Kristi McKeever  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Yann,

Well, thank you for those nice comments! I'm glad you like it. I never know when to quit! grin As long as there are new suggestions and ideas, I don't mind exploring them to see what can happen, ya know?

So we'll see where it ends up....yeah, hopefully with music someday too....thanks again for your nice words. smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#700145 - 03/10/09 01:38 AM Re: Run Away (At the Water's Edge) [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Terry,

Well…you have very some interesting suggestions here….. smile you guys got me thinking about the visuals in the chorus, as a few people had trouble there. (Although, honestly, I like it the way it is). But like I told Stag and Yann, I like to experiment…just to see…ya know? IF however, I go in the wrong direction during my experiments, I would HOPE someone would speak up and voice that opinion! lol grin

Anyway, I had pondered whether technically it was “roll in” or “roll out” when I wrote this because it did seem contradictory. I really do want it to be “roll in" but by "roll out" I thought that's what it was doing!! lol Anyway, I’ll tell you why I'd like it to be coming in. It goes along with the couple being “caught in love” in the water…and she “runs away” to recapture that memory. It has to do with the whole underlying message of the hook.

However, I have an idea for the chorus,(thanks to you and Stag) that may strengthen it AND the hook! (Wouldn’t that be nice?) I do like your suggestions with the “wrapped/warmed by love’s caress” and wonder if by having them rotate in the first two choruses, will lead up to the original line of being “caught in a lover’s net” thus, strengthening the hook….she’s “caught in love” and needs to “run away” to keep remembering it. I don’t know if it works or not….but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I’ll have to mull it over, but I plugged it in up top to see the flow.

Thanks for your good ideas here…much appreciated! They’re keeping me thinking and I’m hoping, strengthening my message! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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