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#684221 - 01/22/09 12:07 AM don't follow  
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,429
Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
This is another older one I would LOVE to get feedback on...

I see by the counter that there are people READING some of my stuff but MOST of it goes wtihout comment.

PLEASE, reply even with a first impression, or whatever... thanks

don't follow

(C) Kenneth Cade, 2006 All Right Reversed

how low can I go man, I aint doin' no limbo
sourounded by alleyways and their boarded up windows
it seems my rock bottom was covered in quicksand
lonely as lint in the pocket of a richman
if only I could quit and be a part of the better than
if only I had listened to my heart I'd be a better man
if only I would try to do the the things that I said I can
holding on to the promises that were made by the weather man
clouds are gonna clear up in a day or two
loud so you can hear what I've got to say to you
down here there's no one who can save you
anyone with sense on this road goes straight through

don't give a second look to a blank stare
don't follow me I aint goin' nowhere
this will be the last time I swear
nobody is left there to care

you can see the dirt better in the dark of the night
shadows move faster when they aint gotta run from the light
the sickness quickens to the beat of the streets
spray painted bricks backdrop the scene where I pound my feet.
no way to change, all I can do to get down and compete
protect my nest, rest up for the next fight for sum'in ta eat,
with the rest of the best of the bottom dwellers
life or death like playin chess with these wanna be good fellas
I gotta slide down lower so it'll pass over
gonna lie around move slower but what's thrown in the trash wont hold me over
wandering or hiding in the corner
wondering why I 'm a foreigner
stranger in my own homeland
when can I come home man?

don't give a second look to a blank stare
don't follow me I aint goin nowhere
this will be the last time I swear
nobody is left there to care

paid the price for this front row center stage
find out first hand if the lime light is worth it
opening scene closing night head line front page
fell onto the scene fell right smack into my purpose
I'll never know how many of ya'll ever even heard this
or know how many y'all know what the words is
but of this one thing I'm most defenitely certain.

don't give a second look to a blank stare
don't follow me I'm goin nowhere
this will be the last time I swear
nobody is left there to care





#685342 - 01/25/09 12:42 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 39
FASTLIKETREE Offline
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FASTLIKETREE  Offline
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Posts: 39
if only I would try to do the the things that I said I can
holding on to the promises that were made by the weather man

This is good.

Is this supposed to be a rap song? If it isn't i'm not sure how it will sound.

#685364 - 01/25/09 01:29 AM Re: don't follow [Re: FASTLIKETREE]  
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Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
yeah it's acoustic hip hop, but the music is very dark almost like Alice in Chains..

#685402 - 01/25/09 06:20 AM Re: don't follow [Re: FASTLIKETREE]  
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Rob L Offline
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Rob L  Offline
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San Jose, CA USA
Kenneth -

I like this, but there's a lot to take in here, so that might be why you're not getting many posts. To me this reads like a well-written poetic account of homeless man. There's a lot of words here, so like FASTLIKETREE before me, I'm hearing this as a rap in my head in order to make those work, but the intelligence of the lyrics seem to not fit what I would consider 'typical' of that genre. There are some really good lines, IMHO. Like:

you can see the dirt better in the dark of the night
and
paid the price for this front row center stage

This line:

it seems my rock bottom was covered in quicksand

Would make more sense to me as:

it seems my rock bottom was actually quicksand

I can be pretty literal, so a rock bottom covered with quicksand is still a rock bottom. smile So he wouldn't still be sinking lower. Great line, though! I love the word play.

I kinda wish the chorus summarized the whole song subject more. The last two lines really are a departure to me.

Lastly, looking from verse to verse, some of your corresponding line lengths are quite different. So that's probably going to pose a challenge to whoever might sing this. For example:

holding on to the promises that were made by the weather man

versus

gonna lie around move slower but what's thrown in the trash wont hold me over

All in all, this is very well-thought out from a rhyming and meter perspective. The lines really flow when I read them in my head. Nice work.





Rob's Music is also on SoundClick
#685476 - 01/25/09 03:05 PM Re: don't follow [Re: Rob L]  
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Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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thanks..Rob,

it is written as acoustic hip hop, and the lines actually do flow the way I deliver them (NOT THAT THEY ARE PERFECT AND WRITTEN IN STONE) thanks for your reply. I have theories on my lack of responses too, I think one reason is most of my stuff is an unfamiliar genre to MOST people here, and fairly unconventional to those that like the genre...(or maybe they just don't like it) oh well what can you do , if you HATE top 40 hip-hop lyrics (and DON'T want to be cookie cutter), but LOVE the genre!

thanks again

#685602 - 01/25/09 08:21 PM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,461
Gary Gray X Offline
Gary Gray X  Offline


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Posts: 2,461
TEXAS
I was going to critiqe it but I don't know a dam thang about hippety hop music or that rap either but it does seem rather long is that a standard in that type?

#685632 - 01/25/09 09:51 PM Re: don't follow [Re: Gary Gray X]  
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Posts: 1,429
Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Time wise it is not long, so it really depends on the cadence of the wording.. sometimes there is more room for words as they come out quicker.. depends on delivery thanks for replying


P.S. feel free to offer crits on the lyrics like you would any other genre! I could always use an opinion!

Last edited by Kenneth Cade; 01/25/09 10:12 PM.
#685656 - 01/25/09 10:51 PM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
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Gary Gray X Offline
Gary Gray X  Offline


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TEXAS
I will look over them but the way my brain work they come out country, gospel ,or hilarious so if I make a suggestion you might end up with one of those 3

#685663 - 01/25/09 11:01 PM Re: don't follow [Re: Gary Gray X]  
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Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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I listen to a little of all of those genres as well..

#685680 - 01/26/09 12:04 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,461
Gary Gray X Offline
Gary Gray X  Offline


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,461
TEXAS
ok here goes nothin and hope it comes out somethin, this would be my way of interpeting it, here's my start

I'm at the bottom of the pile
with no place left to go,'bout as down as a man can be
I'm searchin for a way to a brighter day that will end this
mis-er-eeeee

If I had only listened to my pleading heart
maybe things coulda worked.....no matter what I do my dreams are fallin through and I end up with the hurt

(chorus)
Promises, promises, where do they come from
they only keep themselves
Fantasies, fantasies, illusions of the mind
belonging to someone else





#685685 - 01/26/09 12:27 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Gary Gray X]  
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,429
Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
i tseems like all of your suggestions are just you rewritting the songs you comment on.. .. NOT THAT i don't sappreciate it, but I usually look for the WHY ..

Just like a math problem: if someone corrects my answers , I haven't learned anything, but if someone SHOWS ME HOW AND WHY, then I LEARN how to do it myself... I appreciate your input, but I don't have any idea of WHY you would interpret it this way, OR which parts of MY original song tou think should be altered, etc... I do appreciate ANY input, I am just not sure HOW to use this information..

#685686 - 01/26/09 12:32 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,429
Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Posts: 1,429
Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
Rob,

I reread your post, and wanted to thank you for your VERY SPECIFIC critique.. What I do is cut and paste all the comments and suggestions into the file where the lyric is, that way when I do a rewrite, or reread, I can see all the comments and suggestions (I am REALLLY bad at rewriting, I that is one of the reasons I am on the boards, so I can learn, but I normally have to leave a lyric alone for a while to be able to hear the suggested changes in my head.. the original version get's pretty entrenched in there and it is hard for me to change it ...)

#685699 - 01/26/09 01:14 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Kenneth,

This has so many great lines, it's hard to even know what to say. Maybe that's why people weren't commenting! wink

I can't comment on the structure because I know very little about creating rap music, but that is here nor there....these lines are very well-written and as a writer, I appreciate the wisdom and thoughfulness that went into creating this!

I especially like:

if only I had listened to my heart I'd be a better man
if only I would try to do the the things that I said I can
holding on to the promises that were made by the weather man

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#685709 - 01/26/09 01:35 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Nov 2005
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Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Kristi,

thanks so much for the read, and the comments.. I really appreciate the encouragement!

#685712 - 01/26/09 01:45 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Beth G. Williams Offline
Beth G. Williams  Offline

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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Massachusetts
Hey Ken,

At last! The song for the picture of my Nonni with the empty booze bottle on her head!! grin

That aside, this is some cool and heavy duty writing. I too, know little about this genre, but I can appreciate the stream-of-consciousness style, the stress on the last word in each line, and the continuity of the potent imagery throughout.

Like the others who have commented, it's difficult to pull out favorites, since I have several. So I'll choose three:

it seems my rock bottom was covered in quicksand
lonely as lint in the pocket of a richman


no way to change, all I can do to get down and compete
protect my nest, rest up for the next fight for sum'in ta eat,


opening scene closing night head line front page
fell onto the scene fell right smack into my purpose


Finally, while the hook isn't all over the place in the song, I love how its warning is fairly subtle in comparison to the song's gritty details.

Especially in this sort of format, it's clear you have the English language under your thumb! So let me sign off by saying, "neat!"

Ciao for now,
Beth


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#685714 - 01/26/09 01:53 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,429
Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Posts: 1,429
Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
thanks alot for the compliment beth.. it really means alot to me.. under my thumb.. NOW THAT IS A GOOD TITLE FOR A SONG.. wait already done!!!! seriously though i appreciate the encouragement.. ALMOST ALL of my education is informal and selftaught, so you saying that about my use of the language does feel good!


#686176 - 01/27/09 06:20 AM Re: don't follow [Re: Kenneth Cade]  
Joined: Jul 2005
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les_paul_gurl Offline
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les_paul_gurl  Offline
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California, USA
Kenneth--

Wow I really liked this song! I've listened to a lot hip-hop music and rap and I think that you've hit it right on with this piece! The flow of it was really good and the meaning was deep. I could feel the beat of the song as I read through it. My favorite part was the reference to the weather man. This is a great write! Best of luck with you smile

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#686186 - 01/27/09 07:18 AM Re: don't follow [Re: les_paul_gurl]  
Joined: Nov 2005
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Kenneth Cade Offline
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Kenneth Cade  Offline
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Posts: 1,429
Laguna Niguel, Ca. U.S.A.
Kassie,

thanks, I'm glad you liked it.. I really appreciate you givin' me a thumbs up! there aren't alot of people here that I have met that listen to much hip-hop.. so it means alot to me!


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