JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Bad Blood Girl

Hey everyone,

First posting from me here at JPF, but do not be gentle for that reason. I've been songwriting for years and can hold my criticism :-)

I have rewritten this two times, and feel that it is aaalmost there. I have music for this song, but want to get the lyrics juust right before I give it my time in another homerecording session.

So please let me know what you think work and does not work?

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© 2008 Magne Kolstad/ The Songcabinet

BAD BLOOD GIRL

Magdalena Desert
Turned her nightvision on
Dressed up to stop Katrina
An’ stun the Honky Tonk dolls
Well she’s a one woman army
Gonna tear up these towns
Before they know it
They’re a hundred men down

She’s a BAD BLOOD GIRL
Lookin’ for some good bad love
Contenders suffer nightmares and chills
And when she’s all worked up and thrilled
They’re happy to die
From a BAD BLOOD GIRL

Once she stopped in Alberquerque
It made her Humvee feel right
But them New Mex Trekkies
Still remember the fight
She dropped her hip mass weapon
In a desert cyclone
Now they’re done messin’
With insurgent Borg Drones

Repeat Chorus

Trained up in Wyoming for the desert storms
To hunt’em down in Texas on the endless roads
Ropin’ bulls for breakfast on the Vegas Strip
And in the evening she’s out there ropin’em
With her hips

(Short instrumental break)

One night in Oklahoma
Felt the rope ‘round his neck
She had him in a scoreline
An’ it scared him plain stiff
She dropped her armor, rolled him over
Put him on the fire to roast
There’s a wild west charmer
Feelin’ like a french toast

Repeat Chorus

Yeah they’re happy to die
From a BAD BLOOD GIRL
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Hi Mag

Interesting painting of a woman. Yikes ! Well it reads pretty well to my ear and I think the chorus is real cool. Maybe if I Want something to pick on I could use one less proper noun... I'm not familiar with the "Borg" ones and think it would work fine as just drones here....

Now they’re done messin’
With insurgent Borg Drones

and here's my favorite couplet...

Dressed up to stop Katrina
An’ stun the Honky Tonk dolls


I enjoyed the read jm

This is cute..like to hear it to music..I like
She dropped her armor, rolled him over
and put him on the fire to roast
There's a wild west charmer
Feelin' like a French toast.....

good luck and can't wait to hear it finished...glyn

Ok Mag,
This is very interesting, good imagery. I'm curious abotu the title, Bad Blood Girl. Typically, (here anyway) Bad Blood means people are not going to get along in any way. I was reading, got a melody for this as I read along, but I'm really stuck with the title. I was wanting it to be more of the Rambo feel that you have, this is what I was wanting to hear...(and this is just me and my opinion)

She's a First Blood, Girl
looking for the last of bad love
contenders suffer nightmares and chills
and when she's all worked up and thrilled
they're happy to die
from that First Blood, Girl


The bridge is throwing me a bit, the last two lines....

and in the evening she's out there ropin' em
with her hips

Ropin' is repeated from the Vegas line, which makes it feel like you gave up, and just put down whatever came to mind, which takes away from all the efforts of imagery in the verses, imo.

Thanks JM, I guess she's not portrayed too attractive. My fault :-)

You probably have to be a Star Trek aficionado (also known as "Trekkie's"), to leap into the "Borg Drone" couplet. Probably too narrow for most of listeners, you are right.

Could you explain to me what you mean with proper noun, maybe with examples from the lyric? I'm not an english speaking native, and still have to be reminded to get the language right.

Glad you could appreciate some of it..

Thanks for lending it your ears, glynda.

I have basically built it around a slightly extended 16bar blues progression, so nothing fancy. I got a great dance friendly groove for it, so I feel it really just needs the lyric to click.

I will post the predemo in the mp3 forum, when its due.

Glad you liked those lines, there's a lot of work behind this one, and they did not come easy.

Caroline, you hit me right where it hurts the most - deep down in the hook line!

I agree with you, and that central line needs to come across. I'm not sure I like the aestetics of the Rambo analogy, allthough I recognize the relvance. It is absolutley appropriate, but I feel it is too obvious. I guess I need to think hard, or just let it go for a while.

You are right about the last lines of the bridge, it is an attempt to rewrite the previous bridge, that read like this:

Trained up in Wyoming for the desert storms
To hunt’em down in Texas on the Rodeos
Ropin’ bulls for breakfast in the Vegas sun
And in the evening she’s out there ropin’em
Just for fun

But I wanted to edit out the rodeo theme, as I don't think there is room for the war metaphor and the rodeo metaphor in the same song. I guess I did'nt go far enough with the editing.

So thank you so much for engaging in this, you can't believe how much I appreciate your efforts - it's not applicable to writing!

Hope to get a hold of this one soon, it's killing me :-)

It occurs to me that hips and whips rhyme, and
While whips may still be used in rodeos,
in this case the imagery of aggression and control make it usable.
Just a thought.

Mag, FYI: The foldup guitar link I pointed you to was designed to
modify any guitar, including acoustic.

Hi Danny,

You do sharp analysis, don't care too much for your Lion photo, though :-)

I guess I did'nt think too deep about the war metaphor (want to keep it creative), but I think you're right in the deep analysis of the song is about agression and control. Nice, thanks.. (I don't look too good, now do I, not having realized this myself :-)

I like whips, and will try to use it.

I did not realize the foldup guitar also could work for accoustic. Geez, I am zappin and scatin' all over this place with no clue whatsoever. Guess I need to check that guitar out again..

Great many thanks, you are soo sharp Danny!

Hi Again

a Specific place, person, or thing.... = proper nouns

© 2008 Magne Kolstad/ The Songcabinet

BAD BLOOD GIRL

Magdalena Desert
Katrina
Honky Tonk dolls
Alberquerque
Humvee
New Mex Trekkies
Borg Drones
Wyoming
Vegas Strip
Oklahoma

Magne, I don't really like to give critiques on lyrics alone because I think it's all about how it works with the music, so I'll reserve judgement until I hear it with music.

But there does seem to be a hell of a lot of cultural references and the like going on here, which IMO can be a little bit of a dangerous road to go down as you can end up bewildering the listener if they don't pick all of them up, which can cause them to lose interest in the song.

Too many proper nouns, which JM mentioned, kind of illustrates this point. A proper noun being a noun that has capitals because it is the name of a specific thing. I.E Borg, Katrina, as opposed to robot or hurricane, which aren't proper nouns.

Lucian

With regard for proper nouns
Certain things are okay that are common:

The name of a state or country for instance, because you don't have to be part of that area to recognize it.

Certain city names are okay based on the type of music, because they are a common reference, such as San Antonio, or Nashville, for country music, or New York or L.A. while a lesser known city requires more knowledge.

But Magdalena Desert, Katrina, New Mex Trekkies, & Borg Drones all require specialized knowledge to get the song, which I assume doesn't have a niche targeted audience.

Singing this at a Star Trek convention about a girl who has a thing for the stereotype of people that attend these conventions to have her way with them, that would go over well.

But I don't think it would be an asset commercially.

Thanks jm, lucian and Danny, for pointing this out for me. I think I'll can defend Katrina and Honky Tonk dolls as recognizable world wide, but I will rewrite the other.

It is probably a consequence of the song initially being written for the rodeo cirquit in the US (the proper geographical nouns), and it now suffers from poor rewriting on my side.

I like to have the lyrics perfect, before I invest in any additional work on this one. And I realize it still have some miles to go, before it can leave my tiny 'Brill' cabinet :-)

You have been a tremenduous help to my process on this one.

Thank you, very much!

Hi Magne,

This is an interesting read. You bring this girl to life, that’s for sure! She’s so tough though, that I wonder how real she is…don’t know if you’re looking to making her more dimensional or not. But if you changed “from” to “for” in the last two lines of the chorus…

Yeah they’re happy to die
For a BAD BLOOD GIRL

I wonder if that would show how she’s so good, she’s bad, rather than she’s so bad, she’s bad. Ya know? Might add a little something...maybe not, just an idea. I also wonder about this line: Gonna tear up these towns ….It’s a general statement and I don’t know what that means in terms of what she wants. Just thinking out loud really. There’s definite attitude here, and only you know how far you want to go with that.

Good luck with it!

Kristi

Hi Kirsti,

Thanks for reading along.

Great suggestion you have, I'll save it for later. I did a complete rewrite of the chorus, and will record it next week to post in the mp3 forum.

It did not start out like that, but now I want the song to carry a general message about war using this girl as a domestic example. As I need to get the singer to look more positive on this one.