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title " It's immense and priceless".( with a piccy of Verell)

V1. Don't know that I deserve it,
I don't know why I have it.
It is with me night 'n day
pray it never goes away.

V2. 'Trust' is magic between friends
with 'Trust' friendship never ends.
I can hold my head up high,
it's something I'll never deny.

Chorus. It's immense 'n priceless
enormous 'n tremendous.
No matter what comes my way
it comforts me ev-ry day.

V3. I share it most willingly
'n give it away eas-ly.
TRUST has no substitute
shares a common bond with truth.

Chorus. It's immense 'n priceless
enormous 'n tremendous.
No matter what comes my way
it comforts me ev-ry day.

V4. Don't worry me when we part,
I know deep down in my heart
that things are gonna be fine,
Trust you I do, best friend of mine.

Outro.. Everything is gonna be STAY fine with this trust that's yours and mine...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope you like my song please tell me true if you do, best wishes, Ray down under. G'day again, please read me message about me new piccy at the end of this post. Hope you like Verell's piccy. Ray.

Last edited by Ray Thyer; 12/03/08 10:59 AM.

Ray Thyer
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welcome back Ray.. nice to see you around!

Brian


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Hi Ray!! from down under... Hoping you are having a BONZER warm day my friend...It's cold and wintery in north central PA...been trying to snow the last several days...and we keep getting a bit
..just enough to be a tease!!..I love snow.

to your song...
Wondering about a couple things... I'm thinking you need to get
Trust (I was thinking it was going to be Love)....in that chorus if not before it...? (hope others will come by and correct me if necessary...)..

and the 2nd thing?...I'm just not sure on vs 3 and 4....
vs 3...I'm just not getting the connection this time...but i can be thick!!...

So tickled to see you writing.....and posting!...

very best to you this afternoon...
Kaley

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HIDee Brother Ray!

Great Hook, Amigo!

I think ya need to define the "It" in your last 2 Chorus Lines--ya keep folks a-Hanging quite a while before ya "Focus-IN" on the Trust & Friendship "pay-off" in this otherwise Very Uplifting Lyric..

V3's a bit of a Red Herring...it leads us to believe "Literacy" is the Subject of this Song. (Which, in itself, IS a pretty Immense & Priceless Gift...BUT..it's a bit of a Diversion prior to your Conclusion at the end of this Song.)

It all feels "Heartfelt"...as all your songs do, Amigo! (& "Bonzer" for That!) So...1) Get to your Point in the First Chorus, Ideally...and 2) Focus on Friendship-&-Trust from V1 to the Song's End, & Voila...Ya gotya A Winner!

Good Luck with it, My Friend!
Big Guy-Hug,
Ol' Stan

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Very nice. Considered working 'trust' into the chorus? Nah, nevermind, re-reading I like it as is. no real sugs for you, so just kudos.


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Stan has already addressed the "it" topic so I'll focus on the rhyme scheme:

V1. Don't know that I deserve it,
I don't know why I have it. (near rhyme but can work)

It sure does make me happy,
'n nothing means more to me. (here you're rhyming me with an unstressed -py in happy). A one-syllable end word is normaly stressed.To make this work you'd need to sing hap-PY

V2. To me it is ev-ry thing
'n it makes life worth living. (Same situation here as above..rhyming stressed end syllable thing with unstressed -ing in living)

All the above is meant as constructive criticism...please take it that way. smile






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G'day Brian, thanks for your welcome back. Your words echo the feeling of belonging I feel and I am proud to be a member of JPFolks and a member of 'your family', so to speak. I have, with the benevolence of my family and over the last two years travelled over half of the world and should I ever win a lottery then I would travel to your great country and meet up with you and other JPFolks who have become my friends. It is great to belong to JPFolks. best wishes, Ray.


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G'day Kaley, I confess that I set out to 'set the scene' and not give away the 'ending' - until the end,so to speak. I really, really never thought about what folk would imagine that 'the intangible' mysterious and marvellous thing in my song would not be 'trust', but now that you mention 'love' to be it then I really, really wonder if the idea of it all being a mystery and left tantalalizingly to the end is not something worthwhile but I guess that aspect might be a figment of my imagination. Sorry, I digress. I agree that V3 drifts away from the storyline and agree that it should go. I will try to improve on it this weekend, I really, really appreciate your marvelous suggestions, best wishes, Ray


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G'day Cobber, As I explained above to Kaley the storyline I intended to tell was to not give away the ending until the end, so to speak. And also V3 is a red herring and must go. Should I continue to paint a 'wait until the end'in a new verse though of course not another red herring but one that continues to dance around and not reveal anything until the end as I hoped to do throughout. I will meditate on this during the coming weekend at which time I hope to think more definitely on it. I seem to get caught up in so many things right now. thanks for your helping me along, best wishes to you and yours,Ray.


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G'day Wolvman, Gee what a great handle! Sorry I digress. Thanks for being so kind. I confess that I was so intent on doing and saying what was in me head that I didn't stop to think what other folks might like or dislike in me song. I had a plot in me head, so to speak, and just wrote it down.Thanks for your kind words, best wishes, Ray.


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G'day Shayne, me old dad used to tell us kids "You do what you do as best you can and be honest in what you do and that's all you can do", well I guess I did that and you caught me out in my exuberance to get the job done. I confess that I had misgivings in rhyming 'happy with me' and so on but I really, really, hoped that somehow a singer would cover it up and so make me innocent of me crime. I also confess that I have no knowledge of the skills of a singer and had hoped that such would be their expertise that they would indulge me. As one who knows of such things do you think it could work? I really, really hope so. best wishes, Ray.


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It may be possible, I guess, for a singer to compensate for irregular rhyming, but it's usually best not to put the singer in that spot.
Good luck with it.

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G'day Shayne, Mate you are so right. My old dad used to drum in to us eight kids - "Two wrongs don't make a right!" well I was wrong at least twice and I have sat with me thinking cap on again and rewritten it as you can see above. Hope I got it better this time, thanks for steering me right, best wishes, Ray.


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Hi Ray,
Good to see you posting. This is a sweet lyric you have here. I was a bit confused about what "it" was until I got to the end. i thought "it" would be "love" but "trust" works too. It's a little vague in that respect, but overall, nice.


Caroline


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http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
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Hi Ray

I see you have a rewrite and addressed the earlier critiques and consequently - it follows well for me - and reads well.

Here are a couple of tweaks that I would personally make - your choice

V3. I share it most willingly
'n give it away eas-ly.
There's no substitute for it.........don't think 'it' is needed again
know there's nothing without it.

V4. Don't worry, me when we part, .... a typo perhaps.
I know deep down in my heart
that things are gonna be fine,
Trust you I do, ol pal of mine.


Anyway - Best wishes and warm sunshine in your world. smile jm



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G'day Caroline, Gee thanks a lot for your kind words. To me 'Trust' is intangible but to me it is the most wonderful incredient of a friendship and I indeed feel priviliged when it is extended to me by friends.best wishes, Ray.


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G'day Joice, You are so right. I meditated and meditated on 'it' as in 'There is no substitute for it' and confess I surrendered to using 'it' as nothing else came to me also I used 'me' as the storyline is a message to an absent Pal. I thank you for liking my song. I need all the help I can get to make my song/s right. best wishes, Ray.


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G'day Shayne, Gee thanks for your bonzer line to help me improve on "It" after line ie "There's no substitute for it" - Your line-
"Shares a common bond with truth". I confess I was betwixed and bewildered and now you have come to my rescue and improved that line for me out of sight. Thanks a lot, Mate. I appreciate your help. best wishes, Ray.


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G'day all friends, just in case you are wondering and before you get some silly idea about me suddenly looking like my wife, Verell, I have been trying and trying for some time/weeks to change my ugly dial/ picture to show you the lovely face of me darlin wife. This piccy was cropped from one taken of both us on Mt.Pilatus in Switzerland( surely you have suffered my piccy long enough and I reckon it shows her lovely dial and beautiful smile. It has gotta be much more welcome than looking at me every day 'n night. Hope you like her piccy. She is fine and in remission since her surgery and hopefully will be around me for a long, long time. Cheers, Ray.


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G'day Brian, Please forgive me but I just couldn't resist the temptation to post the photo of me darlin wife, Verell. I thought it would bring relief to those who have suffered from a piccy of me for so long. I hope you don't mind and forgive me, please, Ray.


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You're getting better at "Focusing" here, Ray!

There's a lot of Rhetoric goin' on here...yet not as much (as maybe ya wanna) Direct-Talking To "Old Pal of Mine".

So..for instance..I'd recommend (K-O-S) your last chorus line being
"YOUR TRUST comforts me every day".

Ideally, when ya do a Major Re-Write, put it all in UNDER your Original. (So's we can tell "what's new!") Looks like the New V2 answers any Questions about what "It" is, in V1..and it works Fine..& V2 prettymuch answers what "It" Is in Your Chorus, too, tho I again recommend ya eliminate that last "It" & get More Personal.

V3's Almost There...here's a Sug for how to say it better:
"I share TRUST most willingly/
& give it away SO easily/
TRUST has no substitute/
IT shares a common bond with truth" {& you thataways KEEP the Rhyme Scheme you've established in V1 and V2.)

V4 I've messed-with a wee-bit...(K-O-S) applies, herewegoo:

Nothing worries me when we part/
I know deep-down in my heart/
Everything..is gonna be fine/
Trust you, I do, Best Friend of Mine

(TAG) Everything is Gonna STAY Fine...
With This Trust that's Yours-&-Mine--

(I think you've penned this a More of a Love Song than a Chum-Song..hence "Best Friend" seemed closer to it than "Old Pal") But..if I'm wrong..Old Pal still works Just Fine!

Good Luck with whatever ya do with this Lyric..It's Quite Admirable & Loveable..really feels "From-The-Heart".

Big Guy-Hug,
Ol' Pal Stan

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G'day Cobber, I confess that I have forgotten how to reproduce the origninal and then a rewrite and I apologise for this. "Great minds think alike" and you are right I didn't set out to write the storyline to anybody in particular it just came to me as a solution to the repetition of 'it'. Thanks for your great suggestions they have improved it tremendously for which I thank you.The piccy of Verell is blurred but I dare not risk making it better just in case it dissappears and my ugly dial reappears. My best wishes to you and yours, Ray.


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Hi again Ray, I love the changes, I'm not longer waiting to find out what "it" is, very nice!!!


Caroline


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http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)

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