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#662898 - 10/26/08 05:20 AM In Silence...new title - "Shouting Silently" and new chorus  
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Lee L. Offline
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Lee L.  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Georgia, USA
I felt the hook was not strong enough so I decided to change it. Hopefully this makes it stronger.

Shouting Silently
© 2008 Lee Lumley

Verse 1
Lying here tonight
Between anger and broken trust
Though were side by side
I feel gravity pulling us
We're farther away from where we've come
As silence takes the place of words we won’t discuss

Chorus 1,2
With everything we have going for us
How can we lie here in silence?
And let unspoken words bring it to an end
Some times the hardest thing about love
Is saying words from a heart that is numb
So we lie here shouting silently

Verse 2
As Im lying here
With the weight of what weve been through
My heart starts to fear
Reality without you
I can not bring back every moment lost
But I can fight to bring back life into this thing called me and you

Bridge
It doesnt really matter who is right and who is wrong
If the world around us closes in and the life we built is gone
So Ill reach across the miles my pride has put between us
Wrap my arms around you, kiss your cheek and stop holding in the words you need

Chorus 3
With everything we have going for us
I won't lie in silence
While unspoken words bring us to an end
Sometimes the hardest thing about love
I saying words from a heart that is numb
But I won't lie here shouting silently

Last edited by Lee L.; 10/29/08 10:53 AM.
#663331 - 10/28/08 02:50 AM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Lee L.]  
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Posts: 450
les_paul_gurl Offline
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les_paul_gurl  Offline
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Posts: 450
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Lee--
This is a good start! I especially liked your bridge. some of the lines in the verses and chorus seemed to be a little long IMO, but they might not be once set to music. I tried to make some suggestions to help you out. smile



"Verse 1
I'M lying here tonight, between anger and broken trust
Though we're side by side, I feel gravity pulling us
WE'RE FARTHER away from where we’ve come
As silence takes the place of words we won’t discuss

Chorus
With everything we have going for us
How can we lie here in silence?
Waiting for the other to bring it to an end
Sometimes the hardest thing about love
Is saying the words from a heart that is numb
So, we'll lie here in the silence once again

Verse 2
I'm here with the weight of what we've been through
My heart starts to fear a reality without you
I can not bring back every moment WE'VE lost
But I can fight to bring back life into 'me and you'

Bridge
It doesnt really matter who is right and who is wrong
If the world around us closes in and the life we built is gone
I'll reach across the miles my mind has put between us
Wrap my arms around you, kiss your cheek and stop holding back my love"

Might I suggest that you change it to "In Silence Once Again" I like how that sounds better. "the" just seems kind of redundant.

This is a wonderful start! I look forward to seeing the finsihed piece. Best of luck smile

~~Kassie~~

Last edited by les_paul_gurl; 10/28/08 02:51 AM.

Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#663333 - 10/28/08 03:10 AM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: les_paul_gurl]  
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Lee L. Offline
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Lee L.  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Georgia, USA
Kassie thank you so much for the input. I made some changes to the first post. I forgot to seperate the lines by phrasing hopefully that will make it 'mo beta' I love the idea of losing "the" in the title. I haven't been happy with that title but losing it does make a big difference.

Quote
I especially liked your bridge


You don't know how happy those words made me. My songs traditionally have very weak bridges. I guess you could say I'm an expert on "bridge(s) to nowhere" :o So it's nice to finally have a keeper! smile

#663390 - 10/28/08 11:35 AM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Lee L.]  
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Lee L. Offline
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Lee L.  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Georgia, USA
See first post for changes

#663398 - 10/28/08 12:01 PM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Lee L.]  
Joined: Apr 2006
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Ian Ferrin Offline
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Ian Ferrin  Offline
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Posts: 1,235
Close to WalMart
Hi Lee,

Really strong concept. You've got some great lines and the hook is great (I didn't see the 1st version).

I'm not sure, reading the bridge, exactly where the relationship is? Some little detail(s) might help, like her words or some small action or detail. I'd maybe use the bridge to 'paint' the picture more expressively.

Just a suggestion. Nice job on this. Hope it makes as good of a song as it is a lyric.

Peace,

Ian


Soundclick http://www.soundclick.com/ianferrin
Soundclick2 http://www.soundclick.com/ianferrininstrumentals

'Hammers don't build houses. People build houses' - Me

What happened before the big bang? What's the universe expanding into? Did you know the speed of gravity is the speed of light?
#663403 - 10/28/08 12:42 PM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Ian Ferrin]  
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Lee L. Offline
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Lee L.  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Georgia, USA
Thanks for the input Ian!

Originally Posted by Ian Ferrin

and the hook is great


Thanks It's nice to finally hear that. Great hooks are not my forte

I made some small changes to the bridge. See if this resolves the issue.

#663601 - 10/29/08 04:08 AM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Lee L.]  
Joined: Apr 2006
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Ian Ferrin Offline
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Ian Ferrin  Offline
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Close to WalMart
Yes, it's clearer. You might need a slightly altered chorus to follow this bridge?

Peace,

Ian


Soundclick http://www.soundclick.com/ianferrin
Soundclick2 http://www.soundclick.com/ianferrininstrumentals

'Hammers don't build houses. People build houses' - Me

What happened before the big bang? What's the universe expanding into? Did you know the speed of gravity is the speed of light?
#663639 - 10/29/08 10:51 AM Re: In the Silence Once Again [Re: Ian Ferrin]  
Joined: Oct 2008
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Lee L. Offline
Casual Observer
Lee L.  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 26
Georgia, USA
Ian thanks again. I'm glad that cleared it up. I do plan on changing the last chorus to say:

With everything we have going for us
I won't lie in silence
While unspoken words bring us to an end
Sometimes the hardest thing about love
I saying words from a heart that is numb
But I won't lie here shouting silently

Sorry I didn't post that earlier...guess I got lazy

#666331 - 11/08/08 09:00 PM Re: In Silence...new title - "Shouting Silently" and new chorus [Re: Lee L.]  
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
KimberlyinNC Offline
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KimberlyinNC  Offline
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Posts: 5,210
North Carolina
I am new to site... so be patient with me. I think this has a great hook, very unique.. to shout silently.. I can see it in my mind, two people too afraid to speak... or tell the truth. Very nice bridge also as the others said. I do agree that perhaps some of the lines could be shortened a small bit, other that that, I think it is a great start and will make a lovely song. good luck- kimberlyinnc


*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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