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#662838 - 10/25/08 08:36 PM We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals)  
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,666
DonnaMarilyn Offline
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DonnaMarilyn  Offline
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Netherlands
This was written quickly this evening to an existing bed-track. The feeling of the music was somehow moody and introspective. The piece was quite long, which is why this is somewhat lengthy. (Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! grin )

Given that it was written relatively quickly, do you feel the story hangs together? I'll no doubt be tweaking it at regular intervals in any case. (I'm not sure about the last line in verse 3. Is it too cliche?)

Your critique is welcome. wink

Donna

We Never Said Goodbye

(v1)
Cobblestones glistened
In the late autumn rain
Darkness had fallen
The sky was ink stained
As we walked from the restaurant
Holding hands like lovers do
When life seems so simple
And love is still new

Lift
Memories, memories, they cut like a knife
And you feel the sharp edge for the rest of your life

(v2)
I don't know quite how
But a quarrel began
I said stupid things
But I'm a proud man
I could see that I'd hurt her
But refused to back down
Just said she was foolish
And she'd soon come around

Chorus
Her eyes shone with tears
As rain clung to her lashes
And the hurtful words I spoke
Still cover my heart like ashes
But what makes me want to cry
Is that we never said good-bye

(v3)
She gazed at me sadly
Then ran from that place
What I'd give to forget
The look on her face
It's as if she saw through me
Past the arrogant mask
And knew that my future
Would take me to task

Repeat lift
Memories, memories, they cut like a knife
And you feel the sharp edge for the rest of your life

(v4)
She got home before me
And packed all her gear
Went somewhere by taxi
But no-one knows where
And I've tried hard to find her
Through all of these years
Is she dead or alive?
She just disappeared

Bridge
I hope that she found a man who was kind
Someone who cherished her odd, loving ways
If I had my time over I'd have begged her to stay

Chorus
Her eyes shone with tears
As rain clung to her lashes
And the hurtful words I spoke
Still cover my heart like ashes
But what makes me want to cry
Is that we never said good-bye

Copyright: D.Devine 2008












Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend




#662923 - 10/26/08 08:36 AM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
Joined: Apr 2002
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Posts: 19,839
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi Donna,

Good morning to you.
I had no problem with V3 cliche.
Yes I think the story works.
Lots of cool lines in this song..

I really like the lift a bunch & somehow want to hear it some more, it's SO good.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#662926 - 10/26/08 08:47 AM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: Calvin]  
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 986
argo Offline
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argo  Offline
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 986
boston,massachusetts
Hi DM,
Very nice, the only thing I would change is "we" to "she never said goodbye". Just me though, it works either way.
Rick

#663186 - 10/27/08 01:44 PM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: argo]  
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,666
DonnaMarilyn Offline
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DonnaMarilyn  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,666
Netherlands
Calvin and Rick, thanks for dropping by and for your kind comments. wink

Donna


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend




#663202 - 10/27/08 02:15 PM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
WOW, this one's Very Powerful Stuff!

Minor Sug: (Lift)
"Memories, THESE Memories..cut like a knife/
& you feel THEIR sharp edge for the rest of your life/"

"gear/where" is a tough 1/2 rhyme. Consider:
"went somewhere by taxi/
& just disappeared/" with Last Line changed to
"Nothing's worse than my fear" or "She's reduced me to tears".

"KUDOS" overall...on a Very Sad One that Works Well!

Good Luck with a Goodie!
Big Hugs,
Stan

Last edited by "TampaStan" Good; 10/27/08 02:16 PM.
#663315 - 10/28/08 12:52 AM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Donna,

A lot of lovely images here. The story holds together for me too. There was a line, oh, this from the bridge:

Someone who cherished her odd, loving ways

Maybe it's just me, but I found that line a bit off...almost blaming her for being odd. I didn't get that feel from the rest of the lyric, it was all very sincere. I especially enjoyed the lifts as well. Nice job.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#663327 - 10/28/08 02:21 AM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
les_paul_gurl Offline
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les_paul_gurl  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
California, USA
Donna--

I really enjoyed this piece. The lift is amazing! I do agree with Kristi on the line from the bridge..I dunno if it's the word 'odd' itself that makes it...well...odd but I think that it'll be an easy fix. V4: gear/where doesn't really rhyme all that well....other than that, this song is great! best of luck!! smile

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#663616 - 10/29/08 05:19 AM Re: We Never Said Goodbye (Male vocals) [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,650
WriterTomYeager Offline
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WriterTomYeager  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,650
Harrisonburg,Virtginia
i love 99% of this Donna

its really great.........but in my opinion you should consider rewriting the lift because cutting-sharp-knife
are all words that are so severe and harsh in contrast to the flow of the rest of the lyrics.........i could well be wrong but i just see them as well-too pointed-duh-lol.

Tom


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