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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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This was written quickly this evening to an existing bed-track. The feeling of the music was somehow moody and introspective. The piece was quite long, which is why this is somewhat lengthy. (Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! ) Given that it was written relatively quickly, do you feel the story hangs together? I'll no doubt be tweaking it at regular intervals in any case. (I'm not sure about the last line in verse 3. Is it too cliche?) Your critique is welcome. Donna We Never Said Goodbye(v1) Cobblestones glistened In the late autumn rain Darkness had fallen The sky was ink stained As we walked from the restaurant Holding hands like lovers do When life seems so simple And love is still new Lift Memories, memories, they cut like a knife And you feel the sharp edge for the rest of your life (v2) I don't know quite how But a quarrel began I said stupid things But I'm a proud man I could see that I'd hurt her But refused to back down Just said she was foolish And she'd soon come around Chorus Her eyes shone with tears As rain clung to her lashes And the hurtful words I spoke Still cover my heart like ashes But what makes me want to cry Is that we never said good-bye (v3) She gazed at me sadly Then ran from that place What I'd give to forget The look on her face It's as if she saw through me Past the arrogant mask And knew that my future Would take me to task Repeat lift Memories, memories, they cut like a knife And you feel the sharp edge for the rest of your life (v4) She got home before me And packed all her gear Went somewhere by taxi But no-one knows where And I've tried hard to find her Through all of these years Is she dead or alive? She just disappeared Bridge I hope that she found a man who was kind Someone who cherished her odd, loving ways If I had my time over I'd have begged her to stay Chorus Her eyes shone with tears As rain clung to her lashes And the hurtful words I spoke Still cover my heart like ashes But what makes me want to cry Is that we never said good-bye Copyright: D.Devine 2008
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Hi Donna, Good morning to you. I had no problem with V3 cliche. Yes I think the story works. Lots of cool lines in this song.. I really like the lift a bunch & somehow want to hear it some more, it's SO good. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hi DM, Very nice, the only thing I would change is "we" to "she never said goodbye". Just me though, it works either way. Rick
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Calvin and Rick, thanks for dropping by and for your kind comments. Donna
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WOW, this one's Very Powerful Stuff!
Minor Sug: (Lift) "Memories, THESE Memories..cut like a knife/ & you feel THEIR sharp edge for the rest of your life/"
"gear/where" is a tough 1/2 rhyme. Consider: "went somewhere by taxi/ & just disappeared/" with Last Line changed to "Nothing's worse than my fear" or "She's reduced me to tears".
"KUDOS" overall...on a Very Sad One that Works Well!
Good Luck with a Goodie! Big Hugs, Stan
Last edited by "TampaStan" Good; 10/27/08 02:16 PM.
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Donna,
A lot of lovely images here. The story holds together for me too. There was a line, oh, this from the bridge:
Someone who cherished her odd, loving ways
Maybe it's just me, but I found that line a bit off...almost blaming her for being odd. I didn't get that feel from the rest of the lyric, it was all very sincere. I especially enjoyed the lifts as well. Nice job.
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Donna-- I really enjoyed this piece. The lift is amazing! I do agree with Kristi on the line from the bridge..I dunno if it's the word 'odd' itself that makes it...well...odd but I think that it'll be an easy fix. V4: gear/where doesn't really rhyme all that well....other than that, this song is great! best of luck!! ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
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i love 99% of this Donna
its really great.........but in my opinion you should consider rewriting the lift because cutting-sharp-knife are all words that are so severe and harsh in contrast to the flow of the rest of the lyrics.........i could well be wrong but i just see them as well-too pointed-duh-lol.
Tom
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