JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "A chance" (re-write!! :))

this is the revised version....compare it and tell me what you think!

“A Chance”

CHORUS
Will you take a chance on me
If I take a chance on you?
If love is what we have
Then what else can we do?
Let’s give it a try
What is there to lose?
Take a chance on me and
I’ll take a chance on you

VERSE 1
When we met on the first day
Good things came my way
We liked each other and it showed
We just couldn’t let work know
Because if we get caught
We’d have to explain a lot
Of things that we said
That should’ve stayed in bed

CHORUS
Will you take a chance on me
If I take a chance on you?
If love is what we have
Then what else can we do?
Let’s give it a try
What is there to lose?
Take a chance on me and
I’ll take a chance on you

VERSE 2
Every time you pass me by
I can’t help but look in your eyes
And glance at your smile
It makes the risk worthwhile
Every time we get to touch
Makes me daydream so much
Of a time we’re alone
In the safety of your home

CHORUS
Will you take a chance on me
If I take a chance on you?
If love is what we have
Then what else can we do?
Let’s give it a try
What is there to lose?
Take a chance on me and
I’ll take a chance on you

OUTRO
I really want to see
What happens with you and me
And I was thinking that
We can be lovers
And only tell each other

©Kassie Rogers 2008
All Rights Reserved


_________________________________________________

Here is my latest creation... still working out some kinks...any suggestions will be greatly appreciated....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

“A Chance”

CHORUS
There was a risk when I took a chance on you
Your love I couldn’t miss; what else could I do?
And if you’re willing to give it a try
I’ll take that chance; can’t let love pass me by

VERSE 1
When we met on the first day
I knew good things would come my way
We liked each other and it showed
We just couldn’t let work know
I know that this isn’t just lust
You are someone that I can trust
Someone I could really love
And would never get tired of

CHORUS
There was a risk when I took a chance on you
Your love I couldn’t miss; what else could I do?
And if you’re willing to give it a try
I’ll take that chance; can’t let love pass me by

VERSE 2
The way we kiss, the way we touch
I want to be with you so much
And when I look into your eyes
It’s like I’m in paradise
Where it can be just me and you
And we can go to someplace new
We could kiss under the stars
But feel like we’ve gone so far

CHORUS
There was a risk when I took a chance on you
Your love I couldn’t miss; what else could I do?
And if you’re willing to give it a try
I’ll take that chance; can’t let love pass me by"

OUTRO
I really want to see
What happens with you and me
And I was thinking that
We can be lovers
And only tell each other

©Kassie Rogers 2008
All Rights Reserved

great stuff...persona experience...eh..??

starting with chorus is a nice idea...seems different then the reguler songs...although later it's same but still it makes a difference..!!

but i think chorus is too wordy...if you can cut 2-3 words from each line then it'd be sung very well...in my opinion...i maybe wrong...most of the times i am always wrong..!!

V1 is very simple...i mean they are just lines we speak in daily life...but in song or in poem...you know things act differently..there has to be some language tryst{i don't know the perfect word}..!! apparently V2 is nice...esp. that "paradise..." line...

and yeah outro is nice well...it gives me the feeling and makes me want to know what happens next...i think you must be working over it right..??

~Neo~

Neo--

Thank you for reading!!! I will try to jazz up the first verse...does this work better for the chorus??


"There was a risk when I took a chance on you
Your love I couldn’t miss; what else could I do?
And if you’re willing to give it a try
I’ll take that chance; can’t let love pass me by"

I liked the outro though.....cuz honestly, I want to know what's going to happen next too! lol Again thank you for taking the time to comment! It's much appreciated! Have a great day

~~Kassie~~

P.S. yeah this is ahem a personal experience

Any other comments/suggestions??

HiDee Mz Gurl!

Think ya got a Potential Storyline embedded in here that's Well-Worth-Developing. (So-far, it's kinda a Routine Infatuation Angle..nice, but Not "Killer.") BUT...remember the HIT "Me & Mrs Jone"? "We got a THING...Goin' On"...

Waal...Singer Here's got a THING...Goin' On...At WORK.

&.."At Work" IS the Very-Mineable NUGGET in this Baby.

So... I'd describe the Whole Affair Glance-By-Glance, Touch-by-Touch, Sigh-by-Sigh..WITH the little Add-On "We gotta keep it SECRET..AT WORK" (Many a Corp. has RULES against Active Courtship AT WORK...& this ya can well-exploit in body of Your Lyric.)

So..Set up that TENSION...Fire up That PASSION...& Give Us Some ACTION..."AT WORK"...eh?

Good Luck with it/Make it SIZZLE!

Big Hugs,
Stan

Thanks for stoppin by Stan

Hmmmm would it help if I added in another verse to the song? Maybe with more of the discriptions you're talking about? Will definitely be working on that...maybe change the first verse too but keep the 'not allowed at work' aspect. Thank you again Stan..you are really helpful as usual. See you around and will get the rewrite done for you asap. Well it's off to good old work now! Maybe I'll find my inspiration there! lol have a great day

~~Kassie~~

.

Hey Kassie,
I am going to go with Stan on this, I'm not sure he's made clear though, what he'd meant. So, I will, lol!! Sorry, just happens sometimes....


VERSE 1
First day on the job at that corporation
Policy says cleary, no fraternization
but that first look, nearly took my breath
and every one after that was stressed
you liked me, and it showed clearly
other had no idea we'd meet for drinks
or lunch breaks in the copy room
lock the door, someone will be back soon

The second verse talks about the feelings of the relationship, but the first was lacking the passion. KOS, just some suggs to get you in the right direction. A third verse wouldn't make the difference, you have to have enough interested in the first. This does have al ot of potential though, good luck!

Hi LPG,
I'm a les paul guy myself. I really like the way this is going and the intention of it.
I've got some lyrical and musical ideas for this song if you're interested. Would require some changes in your lyric but not in the spirit of the song, For example:
CH
Take a chance on me,
and I will prove to you,
if love is what we have,
then what else can we do?
just give it a try,
what do you have to lose?
take a chance on me and I'll,
take a chance on you.

let me know,
Rick

Rick--

Nice to meet you!! Wow I really like how you changed up the chorus!!! What else would you change??

~~Kassie~~

PS are you a Red Sox fan??? It killed me when the Rays eliminated them! still sad over it!!!

Caroline--

Thank you for the read a pleasure as always. hmmmmm I can add some fire/steam to the song....I think that would help! lol my insipiration is still in the works if ya know what I mean i will be working on this lyric. Have a wonderful weekend!

~~Kassie~~

Randy--

Thank you for the comments!! I will definitely be working to add that passion and steamyness to the story. I've been meaning to but I've been so busy with the work part of 'work' that I haven't had much time to do anything other than sleep when i get home! And with the holidays coming, I dunno if it'll get any better..... thank you again and will get back with everyone with the rewrite. have a wonderful weekend Randy!!

~~Kassie~~

Hello everyone!!

Ok so I finally made some changes...tell me what you think!!!

~~Kassie~~

.

Randy--

thanks for stopping by again! More details eh...hmmmm..... will think about that. Let me know. I wish I could enjoy the sun, but work steals my sunshine! lol Have a great day and talk to you later

~~Kassie~~

.

G'day Kassie, I leave giving advice to others who are qualified so to do and I reckon Stan has done that. I wish you well with your song. best wishes, Ray down under.

Randy--

Gooooood morning hmmmm I was thinking that maybe for the chorus I could use the whole chorus the first time, then first half the second, and then the second half the third time? You like the outro? I was actually fond of that part myself. It was one of the first sections I wrote on this one actually! hmmm I can try to change the 'voice' in the verses, but for the most part it is kind of the way we would talk to one another. And i would like to keep the singer and as much of the song as ambiguous as possible so that it relates more to a general audience. thank you again You've been a big help Have a great day!

~~Kassie~~

P.S. "And other than your entire "outro", this line really stands out: "Of things that we said that should've stayed in bed" - I love, love it!" ...I thought I'd throw an extra naughty line in there, to catch 'em by surprise...looks like it worked!

Ray--

Thank you for stopping by and for the kind words Have a wonderful day and I look forward to reading more of your work

~~Kassie~~