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#661216 - 10/20/08 04:30 AM 0  
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Randy P. Gendron Offline
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Randy P. Gendron  Offline
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"But I won't be brave.
Don't wanna be strong.
I know what's right
I just won't play along"

#661248 - 10/20/08 06:53 AM Re: "Hello, Goodbye... Hello" (re-write "Trespassing") [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
Joined: Apr 2002
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hello Pogo,

Curious how it sounds musically, with this BIG LONG LINE..
How my chances get much slimmer as your future picks up speed.

I like this..

When the goin' gets tough - I'm in no hurry.
Going nowhere fast and I'm leaving early.

Forever's so much harder on my own.
Without you here my heart is never home

Hvae a good day.



#661253 - 10/20/08 07:14 AM Re: "Hello, Goodbye... Hello" (re-write "Trespassing") [Re: Calvin]  
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Randy P. Gendron Offline
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#661312 - 10/20/08 01:21 PM Re: "Hello, Goodbye... Hello" (re-write "Trespassing") [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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DonnaMarilyn Offline
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DonnaMarilyn  Offline
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You've got some fine images and a nice rhythm at play here, Randy. wink I like the same lines as Calvin does, and many more.

My only suggestion: line 2, verse 1, say "I'm tired and cold with no time to sit down".
This clarifies that it's the singer that's tired and cold, not the morning.

Good re-write. wink


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.


#661342 - 10/20/08 02:25 PM Re: "Hello, Goodbye... Hello" (re-write "Trespassing") [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
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Randy P. Gendron Offline
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#661358 - 10/20/08 03:10 PM Re: "Saying Hello to Goodbye" (re-re-write "Trespassing") [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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Beth G. Williams Offline
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Howdy Subliminal Avatar User! grin

Let me say right off, I'm glad you kicked that OTHER hook to the curb. This one gives you some BREATHING room....yay!

Still, I'm a bit confused going from your "re-write" to your "re-re-write". I think you've lost some interesting elements from the former. I loved the section where you were waiting til she comes back around -- but I wonder, as you likely did, if it's too overt. What if you changed it up a bit, and then used it as a lift/pre-chorus (I don't know the difference, for goodness sakes, but it would set up your chorus better....)

Can't chase myself away
'Till you come back around

In your first verse, I think you omitted some of the changes you made to the first re-write. But I'm also wondering about why he wouldn't have "TIME to sit down". Maybe he just CAN'T sit down because he's so worked up? Yet the stumbly morning suggests he's just weary....hmmmm....how about:

Another morning stumbles off the ground.
I'M tired and cold with no time to sit down AND JUST WANNA LIE DOWN.
There's no use pretending,
No one's around to see,
How my excuses get weaker
as YOUR future you pickS up speed.

I LOVE the second line of the chorus, but I wonder if you might want to tweak the first line a smidge. Also, I wish there was another rhyme somewhere in the last three lines. I realize I'm verging on ballsy with these suggs eek, BUT might you consider:

'CAUSE there isn't much I WANNA do
Nothing gained is nothing more to lose.
And when the goin' gets tough - I'm in no hurry.
Going nowhere fast and leaving early.
Gonna live my life like every day's the past REPLAYING THAT NIGHT.
With the same old heartache
Saying hello to goodbye

NEEDLESS TO SAY, Randy, all of this is just food for thought and totally KOS. I think you're ALMOST there!

In the meantime, thanks for your ever-delightful posts. grin




"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#661399 - 10/20/08 06:14 PM Re: "Saying Hello to Goodbye" (re-re-write of a second draft) [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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les_paul_gurl Offline
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California, USA

I defintely like the new title better. But I think that you should include some more of the lines from your re-write into your re-re-write too keep the depth to the song. Personally I liked this:
"But I won't be brave.
Don't wanna be strong.
I know what's right
I just won't play along"

Would make a good bridge or something. JMO. Have a wonderful day and good luck with this piece smile


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#661455 - 10/20/08 09:47 PM Re: "Saying Hello to Goodbye" (re-re-write of a second draft) [Re: les_paul_gurl]  
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Barry Crannell Offline
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Barry Crannell  Offline
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Just feelin' too crappy today to give any proper advice to anyone. I'll get back to you (and y'all)


"the older I get, the better I was"
#661475 - 10/20/08 10:32 PM Re: "Saying Hello to Goodbye" (re-re-write of a second draft) [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Hi Randy,

I was reading through this and then realized I've already read this, but with a different hook. You have a lot of good suggestions here already, but something occurred to me, so I might as well share it. smile

Right now how it reads, I don't know that he's actually missing someone until V2 (although I don't really understand the line ~as the future you pick up speed~ so maybe that explains something...) But..you could always flip V2 and V1. Start right out with "Forever's so much harder on my own, without you here my heart is never home..." etc... Then we know right away what is troubling him.

Then, since you have question marks for the lifts, what if you took the first two lines of the chorus:

There isn't much a man like me won't do
Nothing gained means nothing else to lose.

and made them the lift and stuck in another "I'm saying hello to goodbye" line as the first line of the chorus. Second line would be "And when the goin' gets tough - I'm in no hurry...." etc... You'd have a 6 line chorus then. Just thinking in terms of time since your hook has that element.

It is an interesting hook....and these are just some thoughts I had.....I wish you the best in getting it to where you want it! smile


Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 10/20/08 10:33 PM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist

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