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#655107 09/25/08 10:08 AM
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Here's my latest song.

The lyrics are written for a male singer so even though I recorded the demo with myself singing, I'm looking for a male singer to sing it. If you want to help, PM me wink

I'd like your feedback on the following things:

- the songwriting: ultimately, I'd like to shop this song around in the adult pop market. Do you think the song is ready or should I do some rewriting (if yes, which parts)?

- the recording: the purpose of this demo is to attract a male singer and possibly a producer, who could take the recording to the next level and make it ready to shop around to singers. Do you think the demo quality is suitable for such a purpose?

You can listen to or download the MP3 at http://www.natjm.co.uk/tracks/NatJM-freeyourself250908-demo.mp3

Free Yourself
Nat JM, 2008

Verse 1
Where's your laugh gone?
Where is the woman
I'm in love with?
You're up before dawn
Start your day's program
Against your wish

Chorus
You got many things
You think you should achieve
I want you to free yourself
Expectations from peers
Your friends and family
I want you to free yourself
I want you to free yourself

Verse 2
Your happiness quest
Your search for truth
Mess with your head
You're looking so stressed
We're losing our youth
Our life's hell

Chorus
You got many things
You think you should achieve
I want you to free yourself
Expectations from peers
Your friends and family
I want you to free yourself
I want you to free yourself

Bridge
I'll give you my support
For your dream of a peaceful perfect life
I hope you understand
I am not asking for a perfect wife

Chorus
You got many things
You think you should achieve
I want you to free yourself
Expectations from peers
Your friends and family
I want you to free yourself
I want you to free yourself
I want you to free yourself
I want you to free yourself


Thanks for taking to time to listen and read the lyrics smile

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FreewheelNat: I tried to listen with the idea of comparing it to things I heard before, but I can't because I can't find anything the sounds quite the same. I think this is so unencumbered by references to generes, in otherwords I think you have an original fresh way of expresssing yourseof, I don't even want to say anything to you - just want to listen. I think you should stay with your instincts and don't let anyone try to tell you to add or take away anything that you have here, its perfect to my ears. I am excited by what I hear, the whole package. It hasn't been invaded by any outside forces. Try to keep it that way if you can.

Let me repeat, your instincts are good, they are your friends don't lose them, respect them, develop them would be my best advice.

Paul

Paul

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Natalie!

I agree with what Paul said. Just reading through, I could nit pick the lyric apart. But hearing it, that's a whole different story.

Paul is right, trust your instincts!!


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Hi Nat

I really enjoyed this and I love the melody. I had trouble making out some of the lyrics (I tend to listen without reading for more of a ‘radio’ experience) but liked the lazy style of the delivery. The drums seem unnecessarily busy especially towards the end of the song and the guitar sounds di’d to me so could benefit from an effect to make it not so ‘in yer face’ and sit better in the mix. I will definitely listen again.

With regards to your demo question, I think this is good enough to give someone else an idea of the sort of thing you are looking for, but not good enough to pitch to an artist.

Nice one

Nigel

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Nice music. I like the melody also. The vocals could use some improvement. I think this is worth pursuing.

Tom


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Thank you all very much for the feedback.

Tom/Nigel - I am not a singer, so yeah, the vocals could be clearer/better. But it's not going to happen with me singing as I gave it my best shot, which is why I'm looking for a (male) singer to record this one.

Paul/Caroline - thanks for telling me trust my instincts. That's what I try to do but it's good to be encouraged in that direction wink

Nigel - yes, the rhythm acoustic guitar you can hear on the chorus was di'd but the electric guitar that plays those melodic lines was recorded with a mic in front of the guitar amp. Which guitar were you refering to? I'm not entirely satisfied with the sound of the electric guitar, even though it was mic'ed up, I could have spent more time working on it but I just went with my usual amp setting without giving much thought to it lol


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Hi Nat, well I really don't have much to add to what Paul and Caroline said, keep up the good work.. this is good, and I'd love to hear it again when you find that male voice.. good luck with this, it is a great start..glyn

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Natalie,

I like the message of the song. It is not one I remember hearing before as others have said. I like your concise wording. Not too many words but enough to get the message across. I am not a fan of the word "things".....too vague.....maybe something like "goals"?

The guitar playing the lead riff is "in your face" or forward in the mix....you could add a little reverb and/or make it a little quieter. Otherwise, the music sounds fine for a demo.

With respect to the vocals, I am not sure if it is your style or genre, or the way you intend the song to sound, but you are inclined to sing each syllable with the same emphasis which makes it sound unnatural compared to the way we speak......a bit monotone.

All in all a good song, new and different. I would substitute the male vocals before pitching it I think. Your demo should be fine for getting a vocalist interested.......

Good luck.

Colin



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Hi Nat,

It looks like I'm in the minority here, so please take my comments as one person's opinion. This song really didn't do much for me. (Maybe you just spoiled me with "When You Smile" smile ) One thing that bothered me was that about half way through I began to notice that the melody appeared to simply follow the chord progression throughout. So I guess I'd say that my ear wanted to hear a little more variation in that regard - where the melody was not just hugging the chords. Musically, it was very interesting to me. I agree with the other posts in that I believe you have a good ear for arranging the parts of a song to work together -- probably your good instinct that was mentioned earlier. As far as the lyrics go, I think they might be a little dark and obscure for the pop market you mention. There's a complicated problem described, and no resolution, or happy ending, for example. It's just not the kind of lyric I hear on popular music (and that's not a bad thing... unless you want to pitch this song as pop).

All that said, I agree that it's obvious you have lots of talent. I'm just questioning if this song is where it needs to be to meet the objectives you've stated for it. To me you seem to have your own unique songwriting style, and lots of folks have posted to suggest you continue to cultivate that (and I agree!). In my nonprofessional opinion (with virtually no experience to back it up), though, the pop market isn't looking for artists or songwriters who are trying to offer something new and fresh. They want tried and true formulas that they think will sell based on past successes.

Again, please take my comments with a grain of salt. I am but one person with absolutely no experience in the industry you're looking to sell to. So I could be way off base. smile Best of luck with this.


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Nat, from the music point of view I agree with Nigel's comments about the drumming, with Colin's remark with regard to the vocal monotone (though I expect your male vocalist will give the song his own flavour) and with the suggestion to pitch it with male vocals.
Like Rob, I'd also prefer more variation, and agree too that the theme might not be of interest to a pop market. I could certainly see it being of interest elsewhere, though.

I feel the lyrics are fine. wink (As Caroline mentioned, one could nit-pick a bit, but when the words are sung, everything falls into place.) The lines read well, and the tension and unhappiness being felt by both characters comes through clearly.

All in all, it's a simply stated but quite strong little number.

All the best with it. wink

DM


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend




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Thank you Glynda, Colin and Rob for your comments, they are all very useful.

Colin - now that you mention it, "things" does seem a bit of an easy and empty word to use. I'll have a think about it.

Point taken about the guitar playing the riff, I'll try to make it less "in your face".

As for the vocals, as I said, I'm not a singer. This is my best shot and this is why I need someone else to do the vocals! I have no intention of pitching this with my vocals - I know my limitations lol

Rob - you are right, the melody doesn't really contain many notes that aren't in the chords. I went for a simple melody, because this was the feel I wanted for the song. But maybe too simple?

I hear what you're saying about the pop market, but I think it's more relevant to the teen pop market.

This song would clearly be for the adult pop market, not the teen pop market, and in the UK at least, the adult pop market features artists & songwriters who try to do things in a new and fresh way. I'm thinking about people like KT Tunstall, Sam Sparro, Mika etc

Having said that, I admit that I have my doubts about whether that song would fit in the adult pop market...

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Thanks Donna for your comments.

As I said, I have no intention of pitching this with my vocals, that would be suicidal lol

I'll also have a look at the drums. It was the first time I was using Groove Agent so I might have gone a bit overboard with it hehe




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Hello Freewheel,

Yeh, fresh/catchy, I thought the bridge was a bit long, could just be me.
I like the little guitar intro and between verses, very nice.

Good luck.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

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Nat:


Respect and consider all opinions from each of us but let me repeat, your instincts are good,they are above all,and they are your friends nuture them, don't lose them, respect them, develop them would be my next best advice.

BTW I thought I heard a little Lillie Allen somewhere in there.

Regards, your new fan

Paul

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Thanks Calvin for your feedback, and thanks again Paul for your word of advice and calling yourself my new fan wink

You know Paul, you'd make a good manager, you are good at encouraging people to nurture their talent.

I quite like Lilly Allen so it's quite possible that she is influencing my music...

Last edited by FreewheelNat; 09/26/08 12:31 PM.
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Hi Natalie

Well I feel it has a cool POP feel to me - it also Feels quite young because of the simplistic style of melody against chords.. I think you could pitch it as is for Young pop, not adult... Also, I'd change words like woman to girl to reflect that... I'm thinking even though you have written it for a male vocal the lyric Feels like more how a young girl would think and talk.... so why not make it a female vocalist? smile just my spin and I like it because it has a fresh feel musically.

Best wishes jm smile


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This combination of lyrics and music just doesn't work for me. The words feel geared towards an adult (as in "grown up") audience, while the melody and arrangement sound like something that would appeal to teens and tweens. I would choose one direction for the song and adjust lyrics/melody to match (or maybe make two different songs, one with the words, one with the melody).

I think the words could use a little more "show" and less "tell" (look up the great filmmaker's adagio: show, don't tell). As an example, let's look at the chorus of Ilse DeLange's similarly themed song "Ride The Wind With Me":

Quote
In my heart I see you run free
Like a river down to the sea
All the chains that held you down
Will be in pieces on the ground
You`ll drink the rain and ride the wind to me


This is all show and boy does it work! You don't need a video with words like these, because the images are already included.

I do agree with Paul on following your own instincts. Take my words for your consideration... but if you feel you are on the right track, you are on the right track. Don't let anybody tell you different!


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Nat,

I think the lyrics tie everything together fine but I wonder if maybe you could dig into the story and show your listeners what's under your skin. I hear a lot of surface situations but there isn't any greater wisdom to be redeemed from "I want you to free yourself" when we aren't allowed to really know our antagonist.

I think the production needs more production. You're doing okay on your own, but you really ought to consider a second pair of ears recording you and ensuring that the best performance is captured. I hear some little things here and there throughout the recording that you allow yourself to get away with that a second ear would never allow.

I didn't read very many reviews here, but I'm gathering you don't consider yourself that great of a singer. Get over that and focus on putting your best performance on this. Your vocal has a good tone, you just need a little more discipline. If your doing it yourself, get frustrated and do 12-13-20 takes of that vocal until you get it right. It's okay to do that. That's not called weakness, it's called perseverance. You'll find doing this song over and over again is going to commit your muscle to the correct memory, and you'll have a more consistent return. It is rare for a vocalist to pop out of the womb fantastic, vocalists are trained for greatness, so train yourself to do better.

I wasn't sold on the melody and I thought it fell apart at the bridge. It's mostly because that piano accompaniment is following your melody much too closely. I would consider a piano arrangement that counter-points the melody or doesn't steal away the thunder. The song otherwise becomes too easy to tune out because there isn't anything to captivate my attention or interest.

Best Wishes,
Charles


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Very interesting. Inventive. Nice sounds.

Tom


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Thanks Joice Marie, Jim, Charles and Tom for your feedback.

A lot of food for thought there, I've got a few more things to mull over now wink At the moment, I'm working on another song and I'll get back to this one in a week or two, with a fresh set of ears (hopefully!).



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