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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hey everyone,
Sorry not been around much lately. I just got my visa through so I am going to be immigrating to Canada yaaaaaaayyyyyyy! Leave Scotland in just over a month so loads to do!
This song has nothing to do with that lol. It's just one that goes through my mind a lot because it is the complete OPPOSITE of what I usually write. It came to me one day and I just went with it regardless of what my head was saying lol.
I sing it to myself every time I read it, it's a real catchy tune but I guess the subject matter is what makes me feel a bit self-conscious about it so I would just like to get some opinions from all you talented people out there.
Thanks,
Karen
Love for rent © KarenI 2008
She's turning me over and flipping me round, Making the best of this new toy she found, She loves me right now, yeah she loves me right now, She's touching my face and stroking my hair, Stripping me naked and leaving me bare, She loves me right now, yeah she loves me right now,
Oooo ooh but it won't last, I know this girl moves fast, It's all new to me but I know she'll never be true, I'm loving her right now but tomorrow she'll be next to you.
She's stroking my ego and turning me on, Making love so hot that she's sizzling all night long, She loves me right now, yeah she loves me right now, She's taking my money and blowing my mind, Making waves and crescendos worth every penny inside, She loves me right now, yeah she loves me right now,
Oooo ooh but it won't last, I know this girl moves fast, It's all new to me but I know she'll never be true, I'm loving her right now but tomorrow she'll be next to you.
She's losing expression and turning her head, Making her way to the cash by the side of the bed, She's leaving me now, yeah she's leaving me now, She winks as she walks out the door leaving me spent, I'll remember forever the night I had love for rent, She's leaving me now, yeah she's leaving me now,
Oooo ooh it couldn't last, I knew this girl moved fast, It was all new to me but I knew she'd never be true, I loved her tonight but tomorrow she'll be next to you.
Oooo ooh it couldn't last, I knew this girl moved fast, It was all new to me but I knew she'd never be true, I loved her tonight but tomorrow she'll be next to you.
Last edited by KarenI; 09/04/08 05:35 PM.
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
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Hi Karen, Well, you should always listen to that creative force inside of you, you know. Edit later. LOL I think the lyric has a nice rhythm and I like how you put words together here. Spicy! You present a different perspective and it's interesting to see she is the one in a position of power and he’s like a lost puppy. I don't really understand this line: She's losing expression and turning her head I wonder how guys would react to this. I wish you the best in your big move! How exciting! Good luck with this! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Gee Karen, dare I say this is very nicely done. "...blank look" might substitute for "losing expression".
and with a blank look as she turns her head and makes her way to the cash by the side of the bed she's leaving me now...
The only other thing I'd say is the last line of the chorus sounds as if he's sad but in fact he's not at all sad. So I would alter that line.
I'm loving her today and tonight so can you ? or She loves me right now and she's waiting for you? something more along that tone. You know come and get it!
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hello Karen, Nice to see you. Good luck with the big move. This has cool possibliities with great lines like there.... She's turning me over and flipping me round, Making the best of this new toy she found, She's touching my face and stroking my hair, Stripping me naked and leaving me bare, good work. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: Aug 2007
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karen....very good writing. In fact I said more in a pm I sent to you...Jan
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Wow some awesome feedback and Jan thanks for the pm I really like a lot of your suggestions so thanks so much for taking the time to work on it it means a lot. As for the losing expression thing......... lol well that's difficult to explain tactfully but let's just say in my mind, her act was over and she didn't need to look like she was having any more fun she just wanted to reach for her paycheck and get outta there. lol
John, I see what you are saying about the sadness, on paper it looks that way but with the upbeat tune and the title "Love for rent" he wasn't in love... just spreading a little love so you were right in saying he wasn't sad at all in fact he was quite pleased with himself lol.
Definitely got some great ideas for a rewrite for this one. Will update soon!
Thanks again everyone,
Karen xx
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Joined: Aug 2008
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Hi Karen,
It's really got some nice images here, and conveys a fair amount of feeling. The only problem I have is this... You have put across all of the images and feelings nicely, but when he conveys his feelings about her "being true," I kind of lose my sympathy/empathy for the guy. I realize it's new to him, and naivete may rule here, but I think it would be stronger if he didn't have such high expectations of his paid "friend."
"I know it's true to me just like (as)the sky is blue - that tomorrow night - she'll be loving you" (something like that)
Just a direction you might consider. I think you have a very refreshing take on the whole idea.
All the best - and happy moving.
Barry
Oh yeah, just a thought...
She's changes expression as she turns her head Making her way to the cash by the bed
This syncs up better with the first verse
opinions are like...
Last edited by aintnobfd; 09/03/08 08:42 PM.
"the older I get, the better I was"
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Joined: Sep 2008
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I really dug this one. I got the flow right away, reading the song first without reading any of the extra commentary - and seeing that a girl wrote it, I totally had lesbian imagery going on in my head...adds quite the twist when you look at it that way. ~_^ For what it's worth, "losing expression" is a good way to describe someone whose face is losing expression - in my opinion better than "blank look", especially when you study the verse matrix. ...I understood what she meant. Besides, "losing expression" fills a couple requirements: active verb, five syllables (two in the verb, three after), it fits the liquid language of the song and still using a glottal consonant ("blank look" ends on two glottals which would intterupt the flow). Barry, good call with your rewrite of line 2 of the third verse; the first verse sets a precedent of "triplety triplety triplety down" and the second line of both subsequent verses does upset that precedent. I'd totally overlooked that until you mentioned it. Good job though Karen, you got my imagination going. Dave Sol Brew
Last edited by Sol Brew; 09/03/08 10:06 PM.
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Hey Karen, First off, congrats on the move...where in Canada will you be settling? Anyhoo, looks like you've already got some great suggestions here, so just wanted to say yeah, this does have the makings of a dandy song. One logistics matter....you might get additional helpful feedback on this if you change the subject line to read the title of the song "Love For Rent". This can be done simply by going to your first post on the thread, clicking on EDIT, then making whatever changes you want. As for the "loss of expression" debate, I totally see what you're getting at -- her mind was already on her next trick....but not until I missed the entire storyline, and read it as (I'm embarassed to admit)... "loss of consciousness" -- he was strangling her, turning her head!!! I have been watching too many late night movies. I enjoyed it so much more when I knew what was really going on (that's totally MY issue though...no worries...). But I agree, it is correctly described from his outside-looking-in point of view...he wouldn't really have insight into her mind. So he would notice it, but not internalize it enough to qualify it. So I think you're probably heading in the right direction.... Good luck with this...it's one of those lyrics that are really great to work with, so I'm looking forward to the final product.... Take care, Beth
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Hi Karen I think this is an excellent write. I will look forward to more of your stuff. jm
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