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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29 |
This is a little song I wrote about a man who has an affair and falls head over heels for a woman who can never be his. I would really appreciate some feedback on it and if there is anyone out there who would be willing to put a voice or music to it I would be delighted to hear from you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Karen
Why Can't Those Boots Be Mine?
V1 I walked to the end of the road today, In another man's shoes, I felt his pain, I felt his joy, I felt his love for you,
Chorus Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I must be all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Does he make everything complete? Does he need you like I need you? Did he sweep you off your feet?
V2 I swam to the opposite shore today, In another man's sea, I felt your touch, I felt your kiss, I felt your love for me,
Chorus Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I must be all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Does he make everything complete? Does he need you like I need you? Did he sweep you off your feet?
Bridge I'd wear his shoes, I'd swim his shores, If only you would love me more,
Chorus Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I must be all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Does he make everything complete? Does he need you like I need you? Did he sweep you off your feet
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 229
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 229 |
Hi Karen, It's nice to meet you.
I like your lyric. I could hear it being sung as I read it - that's always a good thing. The feelings came through also and they felt genuine.
A couple of small suggestions. I wouldn't mind hearing another verse in there before you get to the chorus. I think it would set up the story a little better. If I was hearing the lyric without your explanation, I might not be sure he wasn't talking to, say, a wife who ran off.
"Instead I must be all alone" - the 'must' sounds a little forced to my ear. I don't hear this guy actually using that phrasing. Maybe something like "Instead I'm all alone", "Instead I'm here and all alone" - whatever fits the tune. Just a thought.
Last one - I'd switch lines 6 & 8 of the chorus - seems to fit better - again, my ear.
"Does he love you like I love you? Did he sweep you off your feet? Does he need you like I need you? Does he make everything complete?"
Seems better with the complete at the end.
Also, you should protect this good song with a (c) copyright notice at the top.
I think you've got a really nice one going here, Karen. I do hope you find someone to perform it. I'd love to hear it.
Keith
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29 |
Nice to meet you too Keith and thank you for the feedback and some great suggestions. I suppose I left the feet line at the end to tie in with the boots theme however your suggestion is great and I think you are right, it could work better. I was thinking on working another verse in here somewhere as since I have written this a lot of people have really liked it and said they wanted to see more of the story. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to comment it is truly appreciated
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578 |
HI Karen , Welcome to the board. Pretty dsng good song in my opinion. Good hook, good chorus, good story, (Oft told of course but what isn't? Seems to me to be maybe lacking in "payoff" any new slant in the bridge. We kinda' already know that. Maybe instill some hope for the future. Maybe something on this general order---------------------- Bridge I MAY wear his shoes, I MAY swim his shores, CAUSE I SAW THE WAY HE TREATED YOU AND I KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE
Just an idea Good writing Wy--Mud
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Hi Karen and yeah, welcome to JPF when I first saw the hook I chuckled because I "read" "why can't these boobs be mine" One suggestion you may consider.. Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead they stand there all alone. Good luck with it..
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29 |
Hahaha John that could be a whole other song lol.
Ok I did a bit of a re-write taking in the suggestions so far. How's this:
Why can't those boots be mine? © KarenI 2008
V1 I met the woman I love today, In another mans' arms, I felt her glance, I felt no shame, I'd fallen for her charms,
V2 I walked to the end of the road today, In the other mans' shoes, I felt his pain, I felt his joy, I felt his love for you,
Chorus Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I stand here all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Did he sweep you off your feet? Does he need you like I need you? Does he make everything complete?
V3 I swam to the opposite shore today, In the other mans' sea, I felt your touch, I felt your kiss, I felt your love for me,
Chorus Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I stand here all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Did he sweep you off your feet? Does he need you like I need you? Does he make everything complete?
Bridge I'd wear his shoes, I'd swim his shores, If you'll admit, You love me more,
Why can't those boots be mine? Why can't I keep them by the fire? Safe and warm, they feel like home, Instead I stand here all alone. Does he love you like I love you? Did he sweep you off your feet? Does he need you like I need you? Does he make everything complete?
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330 |
Hi, Karen! A good concept and lyrically well written. It should be easy to put to music. I don't care for verse 2. To me it sounds odd to go from the swimming to the boots. I agree with Wy that the bridge could incorporate more. Also, he has already said that he walked and swam, but in the bridge he is saying that he would do that IF she loved him more.
In a way, you have reversed the roles of chorus and verse. The first verse seems more like a chorus to me and the chorus more like the verse because it provides the details one would normally find in a verse. The chorus is saying too much, too soon.
Keith offered a good suggestion regarding the chorus. Actually the more I look at his suggestion, the more I think those two couplets could be the chorus and the verses could be expanded. I know that would remove the hook, but you could easily incorporate the line as a repeated line (refrain) in the verses or as a pre-chorus.
Keep working on this idea. I think it's a good one.
Good luck to you.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 29 |
The idea of walking to end of the line and swimming to the other shores was all about boundaries in my mind. Walking first as they took it slow and swimming as it got deeper... it's a work in progress I'm happy to receive all the constructive criticism I can get it all helps in the long run and it's the only way to learn.
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