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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10 |
Title: Another Place
Sometimes life just isn't easy We have responsibilities and stress Sometimes just going to the same old job Can really put us to the test There's always bills in my mailbox And problems that arise But they always seem to disappear When I look into your eyes
Chorus My worries seem to fade away When I see your smiling face Your eyes say that they love me And take me to another place A place where there is peace and calm Far away from the rat race I'm so lucky God blessed me with you To take me to that other place
I love to spend my time with you To hear your laughter and sweet voice We all have things that we can dwell on But thinking of you is my favorite choice So if I get a little side tracked And start to get off base Honey just reach out and take my hand And take me to that to that other place.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578 |
Hi Jimmy and welcome to JPF. This board's been pretty slow but it does move a little now and then. Pretty good hook. I can't say that I've seen it before. Not bad. Like most of our songs, mine included, it probably needs a bit more to "set it apart" Seems like "responsibilities", besides being a $2 word".might be a bit difficult to sing. Some of the rhymes are what they call "easy" rhymes. In other words, you can almost see them coming In the last line of the song, personally I'd prefer "and lets go to that other place" to keep from repeating "take" "Rat race", they told me the last time I used it, has been used an awful lot. Nevertheless, you have a good hook IMO to build on Good luck with it Wy
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 81
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 81 |
wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwzers jimmy i like this one it is awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697 |
Hi Jimmy,
I printed this off to work on a few days ago, so sorry it took me 'til now to get back to you. I went over it and this is what I may have done with it to give it a little less simplicity. Its your song so KOS....Jan
Sometimes life's not easy Filled with demands and stress Going to the same old job Always trying to do your best Bills fill up the mailbox New challenges arise They all seem to disappear With one look in your eyes
My worries fade away You take me to Another Place Its the best part of my day Peace waits in your smiling face I'm a lucky man...so, Honey take my hand Let's go to Another Place
Love spending time with you Hear the laughter in your voice There's things that we could dwell on Looking at you is my first choice Reminds me of all I have If I get too far off base Say that I'm you're man for life Take me to that other place
Repeat Chorus:
Bridge:
If we always have each other Things will turn from wrong to right When life gets a little rough I'll look deeply in your eyes Cause....
Repeat Chorus:
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 113
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 113 |
Jimmy,
You should really make sure to put a copyright on your stuff.
I really like this! Mostly, I think that it just has the regular extra words. The measure can usually take out the extra ones, and making sure that there are no over used ones (i.e “always”). What do you think about this?
Another Place
Sometimes life just isn't easy Responsibilities and stress going to the same old job put us to the test Bills fill my mailbox Problems that arise Always seem to disappear When I look into your eyes
Chorus My worries seem to fade away When I see your smiling face Your eyes say that they love me take me to another place A place where there is peace and calm Far away from the rat race God blessed me with you Take me to that other place
I love to spend my time with you Your laughter and sweet voice We all have things we dwell on But you're my favorite choice So if I get a little side tracked Start to get off base Just reach out and take my hand Take me to that to that other place.
Kendo
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 5
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 5 |
i Think the chorus could use some work. Maybe more creativity
-Liz UMGD
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,278
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,278 |
Hope ya'll know this guy hasn't responded yet, and it's been, oh.....TEN months!!!! Jan, yours cracked me up...apologizing for a "few days."
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