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Here is the direct link (I think) http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=6349414&q=hi&newref=1 Maybe You've Been There © 2008 Bree Griffith, ASCAP It’s one a.m. on Friday night she cries herself to sleep an hour ago they had a fight now the proof shows on her cheek She wonders how she ever let Day-to-Day get out of hand Says a silent, desperate prayer Then prepares to make a stand well maybe you’ve been there you might’ve walked a mile in those shoes Maybe you’ve seen a time heartache wouldn’t let you loose just don’t’ give up don’t give in when it feels like you may never win you’ve still got hope you’ve still got a prayer maybe you’ve been there A single mom who works two jobs ‘cause she’s got bills to pay tryin’ to raise two boys alone since their daddy went away sometimes she cries herself to sleep after prayin’ selfish prayers she prays to see her boys grow up maybe find someone who cares well maybe you’ve been there you might’ve walked a mile in those shoes Maybe you’ve seen a time heartache wouldn’t let you loose just don’t’ give up don’t give in when it feels like you may never win you’ve still got hope you’ve still got a prayer maybe you’ve been there we all have different paths to walk we’ve traveled our own roads but some are worn and rugged from carrying those loads maybe you’ve been there maybe you walked a mile in those shoes Maybe you’ve been there maybe you could say a prayer Maybe you’ve been there
Last edited by Bree Griffith; 03/10/08 07:03 PM.
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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This is REALLY good Bree. It sings jm
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Hi Bree. I really like this a lot! You've captured very nicely an experience that is more universal than we might like to think. And I think the line AFTER PRAYIN' SELFISH PRAYERS is beautiful. It's only natural, and human nature, to ask "Please God, make it better for me."
The only thing you might consider changing is switching the 1st two verses with the second two. While I know (or think I know :)) that you were presenting two different scenarios, they sort of seem out of order to me.
I would have the fight and the proof on her cheek (you can thank Martina McBride) and making her stand, all come before the section about being a single mom raising two kids, saying prayers. They just seemed to flow more logically that way, but that's just my 2 cents.
Whether you change or not, this is a terrific piece of writing. I really enjoyed it.
Greg
PS I'm in Virginia too, South Hampton Roads. Where do you hide?
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Bree,
This is a very well crafted song, I really like this one.
I would make two suggestions:
1:In the chorus change the "heartache woldn't let you lose" to heartache couldn't MAKE you lose. Heartaches tend to be thought of as things that are designed to let you lose. "couldn't make" shows the listener you are overcoming the heartache.
2:I would like to see a verse that represents a positive example. Something built around a woman (girl) who sees something bad and intervenes to help the one who is suffering.
Other than that this is a great song. NICE JOB!
Wayne
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Hey Bree
I really want to comment on this song, but I am running out of time. For now I want to say I loved the message. I'll post more comments later! Derek
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I really like this song....the only thing I would do different just has to do with word choices....like instead of cause she has bills to pay ....I'd say theres rent and car payments...and then it just becomes which one do ya like better....I really like this song...very Martina McBride.....nice job
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HIDee Mz Bree!
A Fine Concept! Good Chorus!
Verses don't scan too-close to each other in 2nd-Halves, so I'll make a Sug or Two, K-O-S. V1 Goes: (Syllable-Wise:) 8/7/8/7 V2 Goes: 9/5/9/8
So for V2, 2nd Half, Try: She wonders how she ever let Day-to-Day get out of hand Says a silent, desperate prayer Then prepares to make a stand
(& Thataways, it'll be easy to fit Music-To.)
Bridge: COULD have MORE of an "Action Step" to it...
Here's what I tried to come up with/it's Still on the Weak Side, IMO: We all have separate/different paths to take Each has travelled "Our Own Road" 'Maybe HELP our fellow-travellers Carryin' those HEAVY Loads?
Keep at it...'cuz it's a Fine Message Song you're developing.
Good Luck with it, M'LadyChum! Big Hugs Stan
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Hi Bree,
I Like the message behind this one. I too, would think about switching the verses. It feels like it would give the story better continuity. The second, and seventh line of the chorus, and a couple of others feel like they'd be tough to fit in/sing. If you'd like a couple of suggestions for them, send me a PM. Not looking for credit, just wanta make sure it's wanted.
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Thanks Joice, I really appreciate your opinion & you stoppin' in on this one.
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Greg, Thanks soo much. I totally agree with the verse switch up. Consider it done. I'm so glad you suggested that. & I find myself hiding in the Blue Ridge Mtns. these days...right off the parkway in Floyd County. I lived in Chesapeake for about 2 years when my ex was in the Coast Guard. He was stationed on the Harriet Lane there. That was about 12 years ago though....man it seems like a lifetime away. Anyway, thanks for checkin' this out & for your thoughts. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Bree,
I just wanted to stop by to say I read this last night and thought it was really good too. I had a couple of thoughts, but I'm out the door on my way to church, so I will try to come back later and add a bit more. Mainly, I wanted to let you know I like the details and the honesty of this.
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Ok got back just in time lol.
Hi Bree
What an excellent job of writing on this one. It's highly singable and I am sure there are lots of single mothers out there who can identify. I loved the lines of encouragment "You've still got hope; "You've still got prayer". Very uplifting song. This one needs to be heard, though I'm not sure Nashville will listen. I think it's a very potent lyric with a positive message. Best of luck with this one! Derek
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Wayne, Thanks for taking a look at this one. I think you may have made an honest mistake about the chorus since lose & shoes do make a more perfect rhyme than loose & shoes...but it wasn't a typo. I actually did mean loose. I was referring to the fact that the pain wouldn't let go. You hit the money with the second sugg though. I was trying to bring in the "helping others" out idea with the last few lines maybe you could say a prayer because often times, we don't really have the power to DO ANYTHING in these people's lives short of praying for them. I should know. In my line of work, it happens everyday...and all I can do is pray. I DO want to incorporate that idea in there a little more strongly...any suggs on that without adding a 3rd verse? Thanks so much for lookin' this one over. I really appreciate it & for the record...it's nice to "meet" you. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Hi Derek, hmmm...I keep hearing these Martina McBride references...maybe I should just give her a call & see if she's interested. That'd be a sure fire way to get Nashville to listen to it...lol. Thanks for the kind words. I'm in the process of trying to get a rough recording down so ya'll can (sorta) hear what I have runnin' in my mind. For some reason the guitars & such don't just jump out onto my computer from my head along with my voice when I try to record it. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Kathy, I think you're right...maybe something more specific like "cause she's got rent to pay" I'll give that some thought & see which one sings easier when I get the rough recording down. Thanks for stoppin' by always nice to see ya! Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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STanDaMan, Verse 2 changes already made my friend....thanks for keepin' me straight. I know it's a tough job. I have to agree with ya on the bridge too...it IS weak IMO. I actually didn't have one until 5 minutes before I orignially posted this... I'd really like to give it more of that feel as to connect the helping hands type of thing. Don't know if that made sense or not...lol. I'm a little under the weather. Not that I make much sense when I'm NOT under the weather. I'm gonna give that bridge a lil' more thought. Thankya my friend! Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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John, I agree...verses are switched. As for suggestions...I'm ALWAYS open to hear them. I truly do want to make my writing better. I'm not here just for the smoke blowing (though sometimes I don't mind a lil' smoke...lol) Feel free to sugg away. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Wendy, I'm actually at home from church today because (as I menitioned to Stan) I'm feelin' a lil' less than well today. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Howdy there, Bree!
Sorry to hear you're a bit under the weather....seems a lot of that's going around....it's that rascally Spring Forward business to blame, in my estimation.
As for your song, oh so true and relavent. You've had some really good suggestions made so far, so I'm not sure there's much to add, other than mentioning a few stellar lines:
"now the proof shows on her cheek"
"heartache wouldn't let you loose"
I will add I'm glad you offered some hope in this one. As much as I'm all about "sometimes it just IS sad/unfixable/etc", by providing more than one woman's experience, you allow yourself that possibility. And in today's world, I think that's an important message.
So nice job. Would love to hear what music you'd put it with....
Ciao for now, Beth
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Very Solid Bree.... I like the Cheek line too!!..and the fact you used loose......rather than lose. best to you... Kaley
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Hi Bree, Just thought I'd stop by and say this is the first time I'm reading it and I like this too. The only thing I can see to offer as far as something constructive is in this line: we all have different paths to walk we’ve traveled our own roads maybe think about keeping it present tense....we travel our own roads...because it almost sounds like "we're" done traveling. It's little and subtle, but it popped out at me. So, for whatever it's worth...! Nice job! Edit: Ya know what? I just read the passage after that one and making that change may mess that up....so...now not so sure! haha Kristi
Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 03/10/08 01:10 AM.
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Heya Beth! I'm working on that "tune" in my head thing...just haven't had the chance to flesh it out. Of course I can't play any instruments so ya end up just havin' to listen to my accapela version...lol. Might be why too many don't listen. I'm at home today so I'm hoping to finish it. Thanks for stoppin' in...glad ya like it. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Thanks Kaley! Always nice to have ya stop by. I read about your encounters with the armored attack palmettos. I'm with you...Ben can have them all at his house. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Kristi, Thanks so much for taking the time to look this one over. You sound like me...if I read things too many times, I talk myself out of things. Truth is, that's one area I'm not totally sold on, so something in me says it needs a change...just not sure how to change it. Maybe it'll change itself some when I'm trying to get the melody out of my head. Thanks for stoppin' by. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Bree,
This is just a well-crafted thoughtful and highly relatable peice of writing. You've been given some very good suggs. here which I see that you're following...so all I could add is that I envy your ability so much and wish you the very best on this one. I sure heard martina as well.....Jan
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Thanks Jan...I appreciate you taking the time to stop in & listen. I finally finished my head tune. It's up on soundclick now. Always open for suggs if someone has another idea for the melody. & I'm CERTAIN Martina could do it more justice than I. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Howdy Bree, My first thought was Martina too. I agree about switching the verses but I see you're already considering that. There's one more thing you might look at.... the lines about her raising two BOYS alone etc...and wanting "to see her BOYS grow up and maybe find someone who cares". To me, if you changed it to "her DAUGHTERS" it'd be more like she was reflecting on her own situation. Thisun's a keeper young lady. JBW
Last edited by James B.Williamson; 03/10/08 07:43 PM.
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Hi Bree, nice song, I'm sure it can go far. You've got a beautiful voice too. About my suggs: when I first read lyrics, my "method" is to sing the words on the melody I hear at the moment; then I feel the need to make some corrections to fit what I'm hearing. But if I make a second reading at another moment, I may feel the need to make different suggestions, because the words may then be supported by another type of melody. So my suggs are REALLY KOS. I think there's something inconsistent - IMHO - in the woman's company: sometimes she has a "boyfriend" (proof on her cheek); but most of the times, she's evidently or supposedly alone (raising her boys, saying her prayers, crying in bed, hoping for a caring someone to appear). I would say: let her be downright alone, or develop the bad guy's character a wee bit. Now some suggs: It’s one a.m. on A Friday night she'S crYING herself to sleep If melody allows it (extra syllables): SAY YOU Won’t give up, PLEASE don’t give in A single mom, SHE works two jobs ‘cause THERE ARE bills to pay we all have different paths to walk WE TRAVEL our own roads Maybe you should also pay attention to the fact you repeat the phrase "she cries herself to sleep" twice (verse 1; verse 2). Don't know if my "method" gives birth to helpful insights. Dump what you will . I certainly enjoyed the reading, anyway. Take care, Yann.
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Bree,
Yup my goof. A brain typo.
Without adding an extra verse I think a rewrite on the bridge might strengthen the positive slant. Something like:
We all have different paths to walk And some seem always blessed Others walk a darkened path In search of light and rest.
Again, very nice song and good luck with this one.
Wayne
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Thanks James! It's a shame I can't just call Martin up myself...lol. I already did switch the verses...originally I had the single mom verse first. Just wanted to make sure I cleared that up. I see your point about the daughters...I'll have to give it some thought. Guess because I had to raise my 2 boys alone for a # of years that is what came to mind. Glad ya stopped in! Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Yann, I appreciate the time ya took to crit this one. Once I switched the verses I feel like it then became MORE consistent & cohesive. I think at this point it starts off with her facing up to the abuse she's getting from him (who doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend...a husband can be the offender as well)...then once he's gone (possibly to jail) she's left to raise the boys on her own. As for the extra syllables...I like the idea...I'll see if I can work that in. Don't think I can change "cause she's got bills to pay" though...it's country music...lol...it'll fly. It's a suthern twang thing. I DID notice the cryin' herself to sleep repeat when I was singing it. I'm planning to try to remedy that. thanks for the reminder. Thanks so much for the suggs!!! It's appreciated. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Thanks Wayne.... You're right, I do need a stronger bridge. I appreciate the second looksee. Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Hi Bree.
Been long since i saw your new material.
This is good melody. Lets produce demo for this. I will create a very basic guitar track base on your vocal range and tempo then I will send it to you. Sing it dry on your final revision of lyric send the vocal tracks its ok if there some noise I can remove it using noise reduction and i will add instruments ala dixie chicks arrangements.
Lynman
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Hey again Bree, If you can sing it, you're one step ahead of a lot of us (well, okay, maybe just ME ) -- so I'm still thinkin' that'd be worth listening to. In fact, that actually might be fun: to have an "a capella only" thread, for lucky stiffs such as yourself. And if we like it, we can tell ya YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD, DAWG!! (hee hee hee) Keep at it and ciao for now, Beth P.S. "Taping" AI so can watch with the kids w/o commercials. So curious how everyone did!!!
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Hey Lynman my friend & partner in rhyme. Ala Dixie Chicks, huh? Bring it on... Can't wait to hear what ya send me! Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Thanks Beth...though I think there are only 2 or three of us on the boards who do the "a capella only" thing. But hey...give us our own thread...no tellin' what we might come up with!!! Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Bree
Give me few days and I will mail it to you.
Your voice is fit into this. I bet you can get a big break with this one. Welcome Nashville!!!
Lynman
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Hey Everyone.. where has Bree gone off to? She hasn't been on the site since April and I am a bit worried about her. Can someone who knows her contact her and find out what is up?
Thanks,
Brian
Brian Austin Whitney Founder Just Plain Folks jpfolkspro@gmail.com Skype: Brian Austin Whitney Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney "It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..." -Brian Austin Whitney "Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is to give them a reason and opportunity to do something great." -Brian Austin Whitney
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Nobody else has heard from Bree either? That's not good.
Brian
Brian Austin Whitney Founder Just Plain Folks jpfolkspro@gmail.com Skype: Brian Austin Whitney Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney "It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..." -Brian Austin Whitney "Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is to give them a reason and opportunity to do something great." -Brian Austin Whitney
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