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#575249 - 01/13/08 01:16 PM PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER  
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Posts: 781
Nakuru, Kenya
Hi folks..despite the hard times in my country (Kenya), I was inspired to write about one of our beautiful cities..at least for a break. Hope you like it and that my country will come back to what it was before..beautiful and peaceful! This is a rough draft but I will make better with time!


Verse One
Walking along the shiny sandy beach
Amidst the whistles of the rushing winds
Itís such a beauty to see the changing tides
Birds taking off to the coastal skies

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave

Verse Two
Distant beats of African Swahili drums
Pound through the air from the coconut palms
Itís afternoon, children play and people are swimming
Ships arriving and others are leaving

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave

Verse Three
Youíll find out the rich cultural heritage
And hear those stories of the dreaded slave trade
When youíre tired picking sea shells by the day
Itís moonlight and we can dance the night away

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave


frankie
#575408 - 01/14/08 12:59 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: frahmes]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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USA
Hi,

Gosh, wish I see it for real! This comes across with a lot of feeling. You have described it all with some nice, vivid pictures. There's one line that is different from all the others: the 2nd line in the V3, talking about the slave trade. It's part of the history, so I guess it's appropriate, but it just makes my mind go somewhere else.

It'd be interesting to hear it with music.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#575415 - 01/14/08 02:08 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: frahmes]  
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Ben Burton Offline
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Ben Burton  Offline
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Bessemer,Al US
Frankie,

Well, I'm reading along and finding a very lovely lyric, UNTIL....

Why on earth did you bring up the slave trade? It is so out of place...as far as I'm concerned, it is out of place period. I have met many Kenyans right here in my hometown, some of whom I've had serious discussions with. Without fail, they think that "AFRICAN AMERICANS" should be well past that by now.

I'm not sure of your motive, but the way this comes off to me is like someone interjecting in the middle of singing "Happy Birthday," "You are going to die soon, tyrant!"

Aside from that, this is one of your best!
Ben

PS I wrote this 2 hours ago, but forgot to hit "submit." Now I see Kristi had the same thoughts. Bravo....

Last edited by Ben F Burton lll; 01/14/08 02:10 AM.

Field of Dreams
#575495 - 01/14/08 12:47 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Ben Burton]  
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Posts: 4,400
John W. Selleck Offline
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John W. Selleck  Offline
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NJ
Hi Frankie,

These is very good. I do agree with those above about the one line just feeling out of place in this song. The rest of the song is so upbeat. It's very good to write a song like this with all that's going on around you. Might even help you escape for a moment or two. I hope we hear it sometime soon.


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
#575570 - 01/14/08 06:08 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: John W. Selleck]  
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,244
Sam Wilson Offline
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Sam Wilson  Offline
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Nashville, TN USA
This one is a description of island paradise that has absolutely NOTHING to do with Jimmy Buffet's rum soaked partytime, and for that, I thank you.

I DO listen to the OCCASIONAL Buffet song, but this perspective is refreshing.

Makes me think of the drum circle we like to have every Sunday afternoon in the Park....


Co-Write Friendly.....Look at my blog on My Space.

http://www.cherokee46x@yahoo.com
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http://www.facebook.com/sambwilson

Ronnie Van Zant fan
#575615 - 01/14/08 09:28 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Sam Wilson]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Kenny Chaffin Offline
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Kenny Chaffin  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Aurora, CO
I guess the thing the grabbed me was the sudden 2nd person perspective shift in verse 3. It was going along very objectively in 3rd person or narrative mode and then suddenly the writer addressed me. smile More of a shock to me than the mention of slave trade.

KAC


Kenny A. Chaffin
KAC Website Design - http://www.kacweb.com
Poetry: http://www.kacweb.com/poems/index.html
Art: http://www.kacweb.com/artgallery.html
Photo Gallery: http://www.kacweb.com/cgibin/emAlbum.cgi
"Strive on with Awareness" - Siddhartha Gautama
#575734 - 01/15/08 07:57 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Nakuru, Kenya
Hi Kristi

Gosh I did not mean slave trade in the way that it came out! Mombasa is a city that has a historical background in that slaves were shipped from there to other countries..that is all I wanted the listener to get..the history. If however it makes people shiver I will remove that line.

Thanks for pointing out!


frankie
#575735 - 01/15/08 08:02 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Ben Burton]  
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Nakuru, Kenya
Apologies Big Brother Ben! I only intended to tell the listener that Mombasa had a history of slave trade..slaves were shipped from here to the rest of the world..that is all I meant. I will retract that line if it spoils the song. Thanks. By the way we are still in big trouble in Kneya..the opposition will hold mass protest rallies countrywide from tomorrow and it might turn bloody! Only god can help us. I am writing even these songs under intense pressure and fear and uncertainty about tomorrow. Thanks for the comments!


frankie
#575736 - 01/15/08 08:04 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: John W. Selleck]  
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Nakuru, Kenya
Thanks John

I heed your comments though I only intended to tell the audience that mombasa is a city historically known for slave trade. i will change this line. God bless


frankie
#575737 - 01/15/08 08:08 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Kenny Chaffin]  
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Nakuru, Kenya
I know slave trade is a thorny issue. I only meant that Mombasa is a city that was a transit point for slaves historically..some tourists come here and wish to know what and where all these things were taking place. Perhaps many of you were not aware of Mambasa as a slave trading town hundreds of years ago!

Anyway, to be safe I will retract this lines and replace them.

Don't be in shock anymore because besides the beauty..there was slave trade in Mombasa many years ago. I hope I have explained myself. That is the reality..but maybe I need to say it in a different song!


frankie
#575738 - 01/15/08 08:09 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: Sam Wilson]  
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Nakuru, Kenya
Thank you so much Sam..ever been to Kenya? Maybe you can come one day..when it is not burning ike now..I am gonna show you around!


frankie
#576033 - 01/16/08 12:22 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: frahmes]  
Joined: Oct 2004
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frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
Nakuru, Kenya
Hi Folks, I reworked the song a little and this is what I now have. Please comment! Thanks for helping me improve day by day!

PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER
Verse One
Walking along the shiny sandy beach
Amidst the whistles of the rushing winds
Itís such a beauty to see the changing tides
Birds taking off to the coastal skies

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave

Verse Two
Distant beats of African Swahili drums
Pound through the air from the coconut palms
Itís afternoon, children play and people are swimming
Ships arriving and others are leaving

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave

Verse Three
Sport fishing,roller blading, the golden seas
Is this just a sweet dream, or could it be real?
I'm now tired picking sea shells by the day
Itís moonlight and I can dance the night away

Chorus
Paradise has never been closer to me
Mombasa my island, the one I love
Paradise has never been closer
Mombasa my island
The one my heart will never leave

Copyright (c) 2008 Francis Juma



frankie
#576141 - 01/16/08 07:56 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: frahmes]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
John W. Selleck Offline
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John W. Selleck  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
NJ
Hi Frankie,

It's not a bad line. It's a very good line. It just doesn't fit your overall theme in this song. I, for one, would like to see a song based on the beginnig of the slave trade run. There are lots of them from this end of it. Slave trade is still an issue in the world. A little bit different than what it was then, but it's still ugly.


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
#576142 - 01/16/08 08:06 PM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: frahmes]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
John W. Selleck Offline
Top 100 Poster
John W. Selleck  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
NJ
Hi Frankie,

It's not a bad line. It's a very good line. It just doesn't fit your overall theme in this song. I, for one, would like to see a song based on the beginnig of the slave trade run. There are lots of them from this end of it. Slave trade is still an issue in the world. A little bit different than what it was then, but it's still ugly.


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
#576312 - 01/17/08 05:24 AM Re: PARADISE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSER [Re: John W. Selleck]  
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
frahmes Offline
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frahmes  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
Nakuru, Kenya
Oh thanks John. Really I think I was quoted out of context. When you come to Kenya, and specifically to this city Mombasa, which is the second largest, one of the things that you MUST BE TOLD is the history of the place as a transit point for slaves. I had thought that a tourist would be interested in knowing the history of the place they visit..that is the sole reason why I put this here. Maybe it sort of interrupts the flow and beauty of the song, so I will cut these lines and paste them into a new song that deals with the issue of slave trade itself! Thanks and God Bless.

Our situation here in Kenya seems to be getting more polarized by the day. We need some spiritual guidance! There were some demonstrations yesterday and some youth lost their lives. What a pity that human life is not held sacrosanct nowadays...All we can do is pray! The demonstrations continue till the end of the week! Whatever happened to love and brotherhood/sisterhood?


frankie
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