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#571837 - 01/02/08 11:25 AM Too Much (Freedom Kills)  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Kenny Chaffin Offline
Casual Observer
Kenny Chaffin  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Aurora, CO

Too Much
(Freedom Kills
)

It's all too much
the backlash is coming
too much, too much, they say

Voluptuous teen divas
simulate sex
too much, too much, too much

It's all too much
too much, too much,
much much, too much, they say

Rappers shouting
of bitches and guns
too much, too much, too much

Freedom's the enemy
Terrorists say
too much, too much, too much

It's all too much
too much, too much,
much much, too much, they say

Israel kills
Palestine kills
too much, too much, too much

The backlash is coming
it'll be too much
much much too much, they'll say


Kenny A. Chaffin - 12/8/02


This is actually one I started a few years back and may be more poem than lyric, but I'll let you guys tell me that or not. I don't really
have a genre in mind or music but it seems to be very rhythmic.

Please rip it apart so I can learn but try not to be vicious. grin

and yeah, I know it's probably "Too Much," but let me know that as well if so.

KAC


Kenny A. Chaffin
KAC Website Design - http://www.kacweb.com
Poetry: http://www.kacweb.com/poems/index.html
Art: http://www.kacweb.com/artgallery.html
Photo Gallery: http://www.kacweb.com/cgibin/emAlbum.cgi
"Strive on with Awareness" - Siddhartha Gautama
#571909 - 01/02/08 05:24 PM Re: Too Much (Freedom Kills) [Re: Kenny Chaffin]  
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,244
Sam Wilson Offline
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Sam Wilson  Offline
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,244
Nashville, TN USA
Hey man, I do understand the reasoning behind all that repitition, but why don't you consider trimming it down some?


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#571912 - 01/02/08 05:45 PM Re: Too Much (Freedom Kills) [Re: Sam Wilson]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 356
Kennan Zishka Offline
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Kennan Zishka  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 356
Austin
Kenny,

What if you incorporated the "freedom kills" into the lyric in place of some of the repition? Lots of words rhyme with "kills", maybe you could get the sense of the repition without actually repeating the same words.

Kennan

#571932 - 01/02/08 07:16 PM Re: Too Much (Freedom Kills) [Re: Kennan Zishka]  
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Kenny,

The amount I've noted below is usable toward a good lyric, IMO. In fact, you've got three rather nice verses there in that format. I'd go with Kennan's suggestion for employing an alternate bridge or chorus section for the the parts I've cut out. More repetition of the "Too Much" would become exactly that. A short attention span can be a good guide for a lyricist. You want to get bored before your audience does, and make that shift to something new before you lose them. That way, they'll stay on for the ride.

You've got something good going here that with a little more shaping could make a fine lyric.

Keep writing.

Skip


Too Much

It's all too much
the backlash is coming
too much, too much, they say
Voluptuous teen divas
simulate sex
too much, too much, too much

Rappers shouting
of bitches and guns
too much, too much, too much
Freedom's the enemy
Terrorists say
too much, too much, too much

Israel kills
Palestine kills
too much, too much, too much
The backlash is coming
it'll be too much
much much too much, they'll say


Kenny A. Chaffin - 12/8/02

#572423 - 01/04/08 12:16 PM Re: Too Much (Freedom Kills) [Re: Skip Johnson]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Kenny Chaffin Offline
Casual Observer
Kenny Chaffin  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 33
Aurora, CO
Hey thanks guys, great feedback!

KAC


Kenny A. Chaffin
KAC Website Design - http://www.kacweb.com
Poetry: http://www.kacweb.com/poems/index.html
Art: http://www.kacweb.com/artgallery.html
Photo Gallery: http://www.kacweb.com/cgibin/emAlbum.cgi
"Strive on with Awareness" - Siddhartha Gautama
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