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Hi all. Any feedback on the lyrics is greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Lonely Alone
By: Lyneva Christine Starbuck c2007

All our yesterdays are packed in boxes
Separated on the living room floor
Seems we've become one of those paradoxes
Statistics say hits three out of four

I tried my best to make you happy
All I could do was all that I could do
I won't let this loneliness trap me
It won't bring me any closer to you

Chorus
I never wanted it to come to this
So much about us I'm gonna miss
But even when you're here
You're not really home
And if I'm gonna be lonely
I'd rather be lonely alone
Oh if I'm gonna be lonely
Then I'd rather be lonely alone

Your eyes look so cold and empty
Vacant of all the love we have known
All the dreams you didn't give me
That could've made this house a home

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
Guess I was so caught up in myself
I never stopped to realize
Until that tear fell from your eyes
And then you said

Repeat chorus

Baby can't we make this house a home
Don't leave me here lonely
Cos I don't wanna be lonely alone

hey star , my names greg.
your first post and no ones commented . you know what thats why i read it . see there is a silver lining in every cloud !
if this really happened to you , it's your story and you must tell it your way . but i must tell you , i got confused at times on who was telling the story .
keep it simple , write whats in your heart. only you know the story .
keep writing ,send more . there's alot of people on this site who can help you . good luck !!!

Greg,
Thank you for the reply. You're right there is a silver lining. I'm not sure I completely understand where it started getting confusing. I guess that's just because I wrote it!! If you could elaborate on that I would really appreciate it. Thanks again for taking a look and nice to meet you.

HiStar...I'm laTE FOR WORK AGAIN..BUT..this has a Great Hook & Lots going for it...I'll be Baaaack...to comment further..but HiDee Amigo, & Good Luck with this Baby...It's GOOD!~

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hey Stan,
Thanks so much! I would appreciate any feedback you can give me.
Again, thanks for taking a look. Talk to ya soon.

Howdy Lyneva!

Welcome to JPF!!!

Well, I'm not much of a lyric guru, but any song that rhymes 'paradoxes' is okey dokey by me!

Looks like a good one to me!

"Uncle" Chuck

Hi Again, MZ Star..heh!

OK..Finer Tooth Comb's been passed..herewegooo...(Keep or Sweep any/all Suggestions)

THINK Stats are "2-outta-4?" I'd read that "Over 50% of all U.S. Marriages Fail..eventually" but is it REALLY "75%" Nowadaze? (Yikes!)

GREAT Chorus.

I'm perhaps an ol' Fuddy-Duddy on Line "Syllable-Count", but there's not too-CONSISTENT a pattern here:

Line 1: V1: 10, V2: 9, V3: 8
Line 2: V1: 10, V2: 10, V3: 10 (Yayy!)
Line 3: V1: 11, V2: 9, V3: 8 (Boo...)
Line 4: V1: 9, V2: 10, V3: 8 (Hmm...)?

While I'm aware that "You" CAN be a 4-Syllable-Word, as in "You--OO--OO-OO...Send Me" (Honest Ya Do)...it's EASIER to pen Syl-for-Syl, Verse-for-Verse..IF you're NOT doing the Music. (If you ARE, & This Scans SMOOTHLY for ya..Ignore My Analysis & Sugs, OK?)

Here's a (K-O-S) Rewrite with many a Subtle-Change to bring the Syl Counts In-Closer-Synch. You can dump any or ALL changes..I've had fun trying//& It just MIGHT not work a BIT with whatever Melody You May Already Have:

Yesterdays are all packed in boxes/ (9)
Separated on our livingroom floor/ (10)
Seems we're now one of those paradoxes (10)
Statistics say hits (up)"Three-out-of-Four"/ (9) or (10)

I tried my (very) best to make you happy/ (9) or (11)
All I could do was all that I could do/ (10)
I won't allow (this) loneliness to trap me/(10) or (11)
It won't bring me any closer (to) you/ (9) or (10)

(Chorus is FINE as-is)

Your eyes look so cold, & Oh, so empty/ (10)
Vacant of all the love (that) we have known/ (9) or (10)
All of the dreams you never gave me/ (10)
Each one could've made this house (into) a home/ (9) or (11)

IMO Your Bridge provides a FINE "Twist", giving the Chorus More-Impact when "The Other Half" sings The Same Lament. IF it continues to "Confuse" Folks, consider a DUET..perhaps.

(TAG): Nice...(somewhat Ironic)..Potentially "Happy Ending". Not ALL Listeners will Appreciate this final bit of Optimism, but as the Aussi's'd say, "Good On Ya!" Think it "Makes the Singer Look REAL Good!" "KUDOS" for a Fine Soulsearchin' Lyric, & Good Luck with it!

Big Welcome-Aboard-the-Board Hugs,
Ol' Syllable-Countin'-Stan

Hi, Starbuck! I think you have a very strong start here. I like the perspective, the images, the rhymes (I get some flak sometimes for how much I like true rhymes) the strength of the narrator...both heartfelt, but strong-willed, not about to wallow like a lost puppydog. I like how the bridge turns around the meaning of the chorus. But then in the tag...there is the desperate last shot plea. Not sure if I like that or not...guess it would depend on where the music goes and how it's sung. Bet this ain't your first song! Like it. -Lyle

Hi Chuck,
Thanks so much for the compliment! Nice to meet ya.

Tampa,
You may be right on the stats, will change. I know what you mean about the syllables and will consider it more as we put it with the music. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't, but that's usually when I make a lot of changes in the lyrics. Some very good suggestions, thank you. Not sure whether or not to keep the tag yet. Thank you so much for the in depth crit, its given me a lot to think about and that's always a good thing!

Lyle,
Thanks so much for the nice compliments. I'm glad you liked it. As I was just telling Tampa, I'm not sure I will keep the tag yet. I've written a song or two along the way, but there is always room for improvement. Thanks again and nice to meet ya.

Thisone look like a great songif only you can still work on it.I like the flow of the song but I am not a lyric Guru.

Thanks Nightingale,and nice to meet ya. Still a work in progress.

your right . you wrote it. thats awesome . i'm not sure who is sad here . you or him . maybe both of you ? i don't know the story , you do .