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This is the rewrite of Bull's eye on my Back
Thanks to everyone who has responded and commented. I've plucked some of the nuggets of wisdom and incorporated them into this rewrite. Please let me know what you think.
Goodbye to You (Bull's eye on my back) © Copyright 2007 Peter J. Ferraro. All Rights Reserved. C I must have a bull’s eye on my back Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead And I guess my voice is gone ‘cause when things start going wrong No one seems to hear my point of view So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you V1 I live my life the best I can Try to be a real good man. Kind and honest – hard working too But I finally got my fill of that job down at the mill And come this Friday my two-week notice is through V2 I’m a saint around the house I’m a tender, loving spouse I do chores in my spare time. Don't get to play But if I go out for a drink Or leave whiskers in the sink I know damned well I’ll sure have hell to pay C I must have a bull’s eye on my back Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead And I guess my voice is gone ‘cause when things start going wrong No one seems to hear my point of view So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you V3 Well the thought just came to me I'm turning over a new leaf Won't worry no more 'bout other people’s needs I’ll start living for myself Not for you, or no one else And I don’t care if you wind up in the weeds. C I'm getting rid of the bull’s eye on my back Removing that old tatoo on my forehead I've finally made a choice I'm finding my own voice And I'll use it to share my point of view And I'll use it to say goodbye to you Yeah, one more time - Goodbye to you. *****************
Last edited by PeterJ; 12/07/07 04:44 AM.
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Hey Peter, I hope things improve for you and your wife as soon as possible, As for your it is pretty strong, the chorus is great and memorable because i was still singing it in my head after the 3rd time I read it, which is a good thing Nothing much else I can say besides it's a strong write You and your wife take care now Best wishes
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Thanks, Airun. I appreciate both the props and the good wishes.
That's the funny thing about the 10 minute song. It seems they generally tend to be the ones that have the "catchy" chorus.
I don't recall using the word "wife" though. :o
Last edited by PeterJ; 12/01/07 08:04 AM.
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Hi Pete, Good to see you posting and putting your frustrations through the filter of fiction. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a tough time with the stress of your loved one's illness. Hope things have leveled out and she's doing much better. Lot's of emotion in this one for sure and I think it's well crafted. I wouldn't be surprised if later you might have some other ideas for making this one more commercial friendly---if that is your goal. If it is----my suggestion would be to decide if you really want the singer to say *everything* that's on his mind (as in this line) Ain’t livin’ for no one else And I don’t care if you wind up in the weeds Now, I can say this 'cos I've lived through the days of thinking from this POV about my hubby (bad case of post partum depression maybe?? But, in retrospect---ouch. Kudos on the emotional writing in this one. And I hope for your loved one's speedy recovery. Caregivers definately need to take some time off for themselves (as a prevention thing ya know!) Hope you get some quality time off soon. Maybe she's got some family who can trade off helping out? Maybe make a web page like this one where they can sign up to help....Let me go find the page now. Think it's a great idea. Ask for help. People don't know till ya tell them many times. http://www.carecentral.com/http://recipes.target.com/default.aspx?ref=SC_IW_ST_MainImagehttp://www.savingdinner.com/tryit.htmlhttp://flylady.net/Anything I can do from way over here? Maybe make a menu/grocery list. Or give you a link to a website that makes that kind of thing much easier?? Vanessa PS---I've tried Menu Mailer (or also called Saving Dinner) a menu planning service and it really helped me a lot after the birth of my second son. It saved us on groceries even as I recall.
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HiDee Bro Peter!
GOOD t'see ya Back, Bro!
This is a FINE "Therapy Song", as I calls 'em!
The "Wind up in the Weeds" line was a BIG Knee-Slapper, & it's GREAT that ya've kept your Sense of Humor through all the Daily Tribulations.
Song-wise, Verses seem Same Length as Choruses...I'd add a Wee Bit More to the Choruses which'll both Solve this Dilemma, and it won't feel as-Abrupt when ya hit the "To Hell with you line".
Like So..(K-O-S):
"I must have a Bull's-Eye on my back/ A Tattoo on my forehead says "Scapegoat"/ & I guess my voice is gone/ 'Cause when things start going wrong/ No one seems to hear my point of view/ Now my Viewpoint's Getting Strong/ (&) I've Finally..Thought-Things-Through/ (So) let me Sing This Loud-&-Long: "To Hell With You!"
There ya be. Alternate the (So) and (&) & Choruses'll seem "Varied"... The wee-bitta "Extra Buildup" gives that "Hell with you" Line a bit more Punch..(& consider making it an Alternate Title...in Parens...since THAT feels More-memorable than the Bull's-Eye..heh-heh!)
This Baby's More "Universal" than ya think..JMO~
"KUDOS" & Good Luck with it..& Everything Else..Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Peter strong chorus
nit Well the thought just came to me I should turn over a new leaf Stop worrying SO MUCH 'BOUT OTHERS needs I’LL TAKE MORE orders from my self Ain’t livin’ JUST FOR SOMEONE one else And WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL 'BOUT A FEW WEEDS.
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Hey, Vanessa, I think that's a first for me. I don't think anybody's ever suggested that a lyric of mine was too severe. Usually it's just the opposite - not strong enough. But, hey...this is what poured out. Now begins the shaping process. Commercial viabilty??? Who? Me? Yeah...I could change it up a little Thanks for the support and advice. Doc says everything's gonna be fine, but we've heard that a few times before. Love and patience continue to get us through. With friends like you, I don't need any other support groups?
Last edited by PeterJ; 12/02/07 02:36 AM.
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How Do, Stan? It's good to be back. I've missed you's guys! Therapy Song is exactly what this one was. I'm starting to think that I was building up artistic back-pressure from not putting pen to paper for nearly a month. I feel much better now I'm glad you liked the bit about winding up in the weeds. I'd heard the phrase several times recently, but I think this is the first time I've ever used it. You're right about the stanza length. After I put this out there, I sat down with the guitar, and found myself one bar short so when I came out of the chorus, I didn't have a chord change to take me back into the verse. I agree with your suggestion about the title, but I've always tried to keep my writing at "G" or "PG" level, and I was actually concerned about the language I used here. I certainly wasn't ready to put it in the title. Like I said to Vanessa, Commercially Viable? Universal? Sure. I can tweak it a little I've dropped your notes into my working text. Let the blending begin. Big Ole Guy Hug back atcha buddy!
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'evening, Mr. Cotton! Thanks for giving this a read-through and for your thoughts on the awkward verse. Vanessa seemed to have problems with my resolution too. Here's where it's at now.... Well a thought just came to me I'm turning over a new leaf Won't worry 'bout what other people need I'll start living for myself Not for you or no one else And I don’t care if you wind up in the weeds Clearly, after Stan's comments, there's no way I can touch the last line but that still leaves me 80% of the verse to play with. I'm glad y'all seem to like this one.
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Hi Pete, Good to see you back in here writing, wondered where ya went ! I hope your better half gets to feeling better. I like the weeds line. I like it all except for the word scapegoat. That word seems to stop abruptly ?? Maybe I'd have to hear it, or it could just be me, ha ! Either way, good luck with everything. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hey, Calvin! It is indeed good to be back on the boards (still not as frequent as I'd like but I'll take what I can get). I appreciate the kind words both about the song and about my partner. If you'd like to give a listen, I've saved a (cheesy) recording out on my Zoomshare page. http://www.cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/files/Music/To_Hell_With_You.mp3The words have been modified thanks to generous input by folks here. I know this isn't an mp3 forum, but if anyone has any suggestions about arrangement, I'd happily accept any and all advice. Thanks
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Hey Peter, Had to stop by on this one, 'cause first off, I'm digging the title. Thought the song itself was very powerful too, but it hit a little too close to home for me, as I'm the CaretakEE around here. I sort of wish my hubby would let off this sort of steam -- trying to keep a lid on all the pressures and worry and resentment is enormously draining. As you are well aware, it is impossible to be a saint 24/7. That's why I'm so delighted to have popped in for a sec and found you writing again (BTW, don't want anyone to think I snubbing them...Pete sent me a PM and MADE me come check this one out... :o !) Would you ever dare show this to Mr. Thoracic? Probably not the best timing (for him, that is -- for you, it sounds like you got it off your chest at just the right time :)). Finally, I have to concur with Calvin...LOVE the line about the weeds, but also sort of tripped over the word scapegoat. I think the word is right...maybe just the placement is off...how about if you say: I Must have a bull’s eye on my back A NEON scapegoat on my forehead. I think here you can use the "Understood 'I'"...and combined, I think it rolls a lot better off the tongue. But as always, KOS, bud! Anyhoo, there are my couple of cents worth! Later, Bumbling Beth
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I hope you live the chorus.
All the best Anne.
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Thanks for the read-through, Beth. Gee. The way you put it makes it sound like I twisted your arm or something :o Never let it be said that I forced anyone to to anything. I just ask, ever-so-sweetly I was just getting worried 'cause I hadn't seen you around lately. With respect to the scapegoat that you and Cal are stumbling over. I think you've got it right, but I gotta keep it plausible, so maybe.../Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead That way I don't have to fix the last chorus (which was modified as I was setting it to music and which now gives better resolution IMO) I'm thinking about changing the tag line to.../So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you It may not have all the strength I'm looking for, but I'm not happy with the energy of the tag line as written. Looking at it after the post-catharsis haze had cleared, it just seemed the original was a little too vulgar -- not my intention. Here goes the rewrite By the way, among my many beliefs are the following: What goes around comes around. In our lives we all give care to and receive care from others. The love we send into the world will be returned ten-fold. I need a lot of love, so I give all I have. Love can only be given of ones own free will. Occasional venting prevents explosions. We arrive at the hospital at 5:00 am tomorrow for check in. Surgery should start at 7:00 and take about 5 hours. Looks like I'll have some time to get caught up on the posts of others around her. Hope to catch up to you then.
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Thanks, Anne.
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Hey Peter, Thanks for the check...next time I'll respond without you needing to send me that $50 (ha ha). Seriously, glad you called it to my attention, as I've been MIA so long, threads just fly thru here and I'd have never caught up with this one. Totally cool about scapegoat...and I actually do like your re-write, as it's more in keeping with your character....he's been pushed to the brink, but finally just says enough is enough, while maintaining his own dignity. So natch will be praying for you two this morning. As soon as you can, let us know how things go....Also, are you going to be able to make any plans for a visiting nurse? That might help take some of the immediate physical burden off of you, as I daresay you'll be emotionally spent by the time you get home. Thanks for remembering me , and looking forward to hearing good news from your end... xoxo, Beth/Boo
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Hey Peter!
You've done quite well with the rewrite! Writing can be very cathartic, I know that all too well. It's a personal survival skill that you need to have!I hope this finds things get better and better with time.
Good write!
Charlann
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Howdy Peter,
Had to pop in here and say I think your BULLSEYE title is far stronger choice than the GOODBYE TO YOU one. JMO. That one would make me want to know what the story was about. Goodbye is just too generic.
Totally understand on the need to vent occasionally. Good thing we have writing as our outlet. I have an old song about that very thing...called IT DON'T LOOK SO BLUE IN BLACK AND WHITE. I truly do hope things ease up for you in the very near future. It is tough on both sides of the caregiving coin. But for most of us...leaving the person who needs us in their time of need is not going to make us feel good about ourselves.
Hugs, Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
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