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#563890 - 12/01/07 05:36 AM Goodbye to you (Bull's Eye on my Back rewritten)  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
South OrangeCounty, California...
This is the rewrite of Bull's eye on my Back

Thanks to everyone who has responded and commented. I've plucked some of the nuggets of wisdom and incorporated them into this rewrite. Please let me know what you think.

Goodbye to You (Bull's eye on my back)
© Copyright 2007 Peter J. Ferraro. All Rights Reserved.
C
I must have a bullís eye on my back
Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead
And I guess my voice is gone
Ďcause when things start going wrong
No one seems to hear my point of view
So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you
V1
I live my life the best I can
Try to be a real good man.
Kind and honest Ė hard working too
But I finally got my fill
of that job down at the mill
And come this Friday my two-week notice is through
V2
Iím a saint around the house
Iím a tender, loving spouse
I do chores in my spare time. Don't get to play
But if I go out for a drink
Or leave whiskers in the sink
I know damned well Iíll sure have hell to pay
C
I must have a bullís eye on my back
Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead
And I guess my voice is gone
Ďcause when things start going wrong
No one seems to hear my point of view
So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you
V3
Well the thought just came to me
I'm turning over a new leaf
Won't worry no more 'bout other peopleís needs
Iíll start living for myself
Not for you, or no one else
And I donít care if you wind up in the weeds.
C
I'm getting rid of the bullís eye on my back
Removing that old tatoo on my forehead
I've finally made a choice
I'm finding my own voice
And I'll use it to share my point of view
And I'll use it to say goodbye to you
Yeah, one more time - Goodbye to you.
*****************

Last edited by PeterJ; 12/07/07 03:44 AM.

If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#563892 - 12/01/07 05:50 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
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Aaron Authier Offline
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Aaron Authier  Offline
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Hey Peter, I hope things improve for you and your wife as soon as possible, As for your it is pretty strong, the chorus is great and memorable because i was still singing it in my head after the 3rd time I read it, which is a good thing
Nothing much else I can say besides it's a strong write
You and your wife take care now
Best wishes

#563895 - 12/01/07 06:14 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: Aaron Authier]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Thanks, Airun.
I appreciate both the props and the good wishes.

That's the funny thing about the 10 minute song.
It seems they generally tend to be the ones that have the "catchy" chorus.

I don't recall using the word "wife" though. :o

Last edited by PeterJ; 12/01/07 07:04 AM.

If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#563958 - 12/01/07 11:02 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
Joined: Nov 2005
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bailey bridges Offline
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bailey bridges  Offline
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USA
Hi Pete,

Good to see you posting and putting your frustrations through the filter of fiction. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a tough time with the stress of your loved one's illness. Hope things have leveled out and she's doing much better.

Lot's of emotion in this one for sure and I think it's well crafted. I wouldn't be surprised if later you might have some other ideas for making this one more commercial friendly---if that is your goal. If it is----my suggestion would be to decide if you really want the singer to say *everything* that's on his mind (as in this line)

Ainít liviní for no one else
And I donít care if you wind up in the weeds

Now, I can say this 'cos I've lived through the days of thinking from this POV about my hubby (bad case of post partum depression maybe?? crazy

But, in retrospect---ouch.

Kudos on the emotional writing in this one. And I hope for your loved one's speedy recovery. Caregivers definately need to take some time off for themselves (as a prevention thing ya know!) Hope you get some quality time off soon. Maybe she's got some family who can trade off helping out? Maybe make a web page like this one where they can sign up to help....Let me go find the page now. Think it's a great idea. Ask for help. People don't know till ya tell them many times. smile

http://www.carecentral.com/

http://recipes.target.com/default.aspx?ref=SC_IW_ST_MainImage

http://www.savingdinner.com/tryit.html

http://flylady.net/

Anything I can do from way over here? Maybe make a menu/grocery list. Or give you a link to a website that makes that kind of thing much easier??

Vanessa

PS---I've tried Menu Mailer (or also called Saving Dinner) a menu planning service and it really helped me a lot after the birth of my second son. It saved us on groceries even as I recall.



#564005 - 12/01/07 01:27 PM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Bro Peter!

GOOD t'see ya Back, Bro!

This is a FINE "Therapy Song", as I calls 'em!

The "Wind up in the Weeds" line was a BIG Knee-Slapper, & it's GREAT that ya've kept your Sense of Humor through all the Daily Tribulations.

Song-wise, Verses seem Same Length as Choruses...I'd add a Wee Bit More to the Choruses which'll both Solve this Dilemma, and it won't feel as-Abrupt when ya hit the "To Hell with you line".

Like So..(K-O-S):

"I must have a Bull's-Eye on my back/
A Tattoo on my forehead says "Scapegoat"/
& I guess my voice is gone/
'Cause when things start going wrong/
No one seems to hear my point of view/
Now my Viewpoint's Getting Strong/
(&) I've Finally..Thought-Things-Through/
(So) let me Sing This Loud-&-Long:
"To Hell With You!"

There ya be. Alternate the (So) and (&) & Choruses'll seem "Varied"... The wee-bitta "Extra Buildup" gives that "Hell with you" Line a bit more Punch..(& consider making it an Alternate Title...in Parens...since THAT feels More-memorable than the Bull's-Eye..heh-heh!)

This Baby's More "Universal" than ya think..JMO~

"KUDOS" & Good Luck with it..& Everything Else..Amigo!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan


#564015 - 12/01/07 01:54 PM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: ]  
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Neil Cotton Offline
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Neil Cotton  Offline
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Georgetown, ON,CANADA
Peter
strong chorus

nit
Well the thought just came to me
I should turn over a new leaf
Stop worrying SO MUCH 'BOUT OTHERS needs
IíLL TAKE MORE orders from my self
Ainít liviní JUST FOR SOMEONE one else
And WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL 'BOUT A FEW WEEDS.

#564190 - 12/02/07 01:35 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: bailey bridges]  
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Posts: 204
PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Hey, Vanessa,
I think that's a first for me. I don't think anybody's ever suggested that a lyric of mine was too severe. Usually it's just the opposite - not strong enough. But, hey...this is what poured out. Now begins the shaping process. Commercial viabilty??? Who? Me? Yeah...I could change it up a little smile

Thanks for the support and advice. Doc says everything's gonna be fine, but we've heard that a few times before. Love and patience continue to get us through.

With friends like you, I don't need any other support groups?

Last edited by PeterJ; 12/02/07 01:36 AM.
#564193 - 12/02/07 01:54 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: ]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
South OrangeCounty, California...
How Do, Stan?
It's good to be back. I've missed you's guys!
Therapy Song is exactly what this one was.
I'm starting to think that I was building up artistic back-pressure from not putting pen to paper for nearly a month.

I feel much better now grin

I'm glad you liked the bit about winding up in the weeds.
I'd heard the phrase several times recently, but I think this is the first time I've ever used it.

You're right about the stanza length. After I put this out there, I sat down with the guitar, and found myself one bar short so when I came out of the chorus, I didn't have a chord change to take me back into the verse.

I agree with your suggestion about the title, but I've always tried to keep my writing at "G" or "PG" level, and I was actually concerned about the language I used here. I certainly wasn't ready to put it in the title. Like I said to Vanessa, Commercially Viable? Universal? Sure. I can tweak it a little grin

I've dropped your notes into my working text. Let the blending begin.

Big Ole Guy Hug back atcha buddy!

#564194 - 12/02/07 02:19 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: Neil Cotton]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
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South OrangeCounty, California...
'evening, Mr. Cotton!
Thanks for giving this a read-through and for your thoughts on the awkward verse. Vanessa seemed to have problems with my resolution too.

Here's where it's at now....
Well a thought just came to me
I'm turning over a new leaf
Won't worry 'bout what other people need
I'll start living for myself
Not for you or no one else
And I donít care if you wind up in the weeds

Clearly, after Stan's comments, there's no way I can touch the last line blush but that still leaves me 80% of the verse to play with.

I'm glad y'all seem to like this one.

#564214 - 12/02/07 07:16 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,835
Calvin Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi Pete,

Good to see you back in here writing, wondered where ya went !
I hope your better half gets to feeling better.
I like the weeds line.
I like it all except for the word scapegoat.
That word seems to stop abruptly ??
Maybe I'd have to hear it, or it could just be me, ha !
Either way, good luck with everything.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#564844 - 12/04/07 06:00 PM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: Calvin]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
South OrangeCounty, California...
Hey, Calvin!
It is indeed good to be back on the boards (still not as frequent as I'd like but I'll take what I can get).

I appreciate the kind words both about the song and about my partner.

If you'd like to give a listen, I've saved a (cheesy) recording out on my Zoomshare page.
http://www.cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/files/Music/To_Hell_With_You.mp3

The words have been modified thanks to generous input by folks here.

I know this isn't an mp3 forum, but if anyone has any suggestions about arrangement, I'd happily accept any and all advice.

Thanks



If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#565288 - 12/06/07 03:27 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Beth G. Williams Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Massachusetts
Hey Peter,

Had to stop by on this one, 'cause first off, I'm digging the title. Thought the song itself was very powerful too, but it hit a little too close to home for me, as I'm the CaretakEE around here. I sort of wish my hubby would let off this sort of steam -- trying to keep a lid on all the pressures and worry and resentment is enormously draining. As you are well aware, it is impossible to be a saint 24/7.

That's why I'm so delighted to have popped in for a sec and found you writing again (BTW, don't want anyone to think I snubbing them...Pete sent me a PM and MADE me come check this one out... :o grin!) Would you ever dare show this to Mr. Thoracic? Probably not the best timing (for him, that is -- for you, it sounds like you got it off your chest at just the right time :)).

Finally, I have to concur with Calvin...LOVE the line about the weeds, but also sort of tripped over the word scapegoat. I think the word is right...maybe just the placement is off...how about if you say:

I Must have a bullís eye on my back
A NEON scapegoat on my forehead.

I think here you can use the "Understood 'I'"...and combined, I think it rolls a lot better off the tongue. But as always, KOS, bud!

Anyhoo, there are my couple of cents worth!

Later,
Bumbling Beth



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#565293 - 12/06/07 03:51 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
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anne Offline
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I hope you live the chorus.

All the best Anne.

#565540 - 12/07/07 02:16 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: anne]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Thanks for the read-through, Beth.

Gee. The way you put it makes it sound like I twisted your arm or something :o Never let it be said that I forced anyone to to anything. I just ask, ever-so-sweetly wink I was just getting worried 'cause I hadn't seen you around lately.

With respect to the scapegoat that you and Cal are stumbling over.
I think you've got it right, but I gotta keep it plausible, so maybe.../Scapegoat must be tattooed on my forehead
That way I don't have to fix the last chorus (which was modified as I was setting it to music and which now gives better resolution IMO)
I'm thinking about changing the tag line to.../So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you
It may not have all the strength I'm looking for, but I'm not happy with the energy of the tag line as written.
Looking at it after the post-catharsis haze had cleared, it just seemed the original was a little too vulgar -- not my intention.

Here goes the rewrite crazy

By the way, among my many beliefs are the following:
What goes around comes around.
In our lives we all give care to and receive care from others.
The love we send into the world will be returned ten-fold.
I need a lot of love, so I give all I have.
Love can only be given of ones own free will.
Occasional venting prevents explosions.

We arrive at the hospital at 5:00 am tomorrow for check in. Surgery should start at 7:00 and take about 5 hours.
Looks like I'll have some time to get caught up on the posts of others around her.

Hope to catch up to you then.

#565562 - 12/07/07 03:29 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: anne]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Thanks, Anne. smile

#565661 - 12/07/07 11:56 AM Re: Bull's Eye on my Back - New Cathartic Lyric. Crits Please [Re: PeterJ]  
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Beth G. Williams Offline
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Massachusetts
Hey Peter,

Thanks for the check...next time I'll respond without you needing to send me that $50 (ha ha).

Seriously, glad you called it to my attention, as I've been MIA so long, threads just fly thru here and I'd have never caught up with this one.

Totally cool about scapegoat...and I actually do like your re-write, as it's more in keeping with your character....he's been pushed to the brink, but finally just says enough is enough, while maintaining his own dignity.

So natch will be praying for you two this morning. As soon as you can, let us know how things go....Also, are you going to be able to make any plans for a visiting nurse? That might help take some of the immediate physical burden off of you, as I daresay you'll be emotionally spent by the time you get home.

Thanks for remembering me grin , and looking forward to hearing good news from your end...

xoxo,
Beth/Boo



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#566285 - 12/09/07 09:25 PM Re: Goodbye to you (Bull's Eye on my Back rewritten) [Re: PeterJ]  
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,963
Charlann Shepherd Offline
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Charlann Shepherd  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,963
Burlington, KY, USA
Hey Peter!

You've done quite well with the rewrite! Writing can be very cathartic, I know that all too well. It's a personal survival skill that you need to have!I hope this finds things get better and better with time.

Good write!

Charlann

#566299 - 12/09/07 10:41 PM Re: Goodbye to you (Bull's Eye on my Back rewritten) [Re: Charlann Shepherd]  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Bobbie Gallup (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
Bobbie Gallup (D)  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Nashville, TN, USA
Howdy Peter,

Had to pop in here and say I think your BULLSEYE title is far stronger choice than the GOODBYE TO YOU one. JMO. That one would make me want to know what the story was about. Goodbye is just too generic.

Totally understand on the need to vent occasionally. Good thing we have writing as our outlet. I have an old song about that very thing...called IT DON'T LOOK SO BLUE IN BLACK AND WHITE. I truly do hope things ease up for you in the very near future. It is tough on both sides of the caregiving coin. But for most of us...leaving the person who needs us in their time of need is not going to make us feel good about ourselves.

Hugs,
Bobbie


They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you.

Gallup 'n Dawg Music

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