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#548410 10/12/07 09:23 AM
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What Could It Be?

1st Verse
Early in the morning
John was walking home
He found a familiar path
On which to roam
He saw something there
He didn’t quite expect
Then he asked himself
What happens next?

Chorus
What could it be?
Love, life and happiness
Joy amongst the sorrows
A look at things past
Or a better tommorow
He saw it clearly
What could it be?

2nd Verse
Jenny packed her bags
Was walking towards her car
She walked along the road
Not having traveled far
She saw something there
Gave her a surprise
You should have seen
The look in her eyes

Chorus
What could it be?
Love, life and happiness
Joy amongst the sorrows
A look at things past
Or a better tommorow
She saw it clearly
What could it be?

Bridge
She said how have you been?
He said I’ve been counting the nights
She said I’ve been looking for you
He said I’m ready to make things right

Lift
Then they both saw something forming
In each others eyes

What could it be?
Love, life and happiness
Joy amongst the sorrows
A look at things past
Or a better tommorow
They saw it clearly
What could it be?

Copyright October 12, 2007 Derek Hines All rights Reserved

Last edited by Derek Hines; 10/12/07 09:25 AM.

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Beautiful Derek!

Lovely story - no nits!

Charlann

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Derek,
no more goose eggs. What could it be? A bird? A plane? A wino in disguise!

I like the pointing to the past and the future and the happenstance meeting.

I think if you stuck with one person's POV and provided a little setup it would help. Mainly though it would be cool to give the listener the answer. What is it? What did he/she see?

I know it's all artistic to "make 'em think" but we're talking about a 3 minute song. If people were forced to listen a hundred times they'd come up with some answer themselves. First you gotta make 'em listen a second time. Hint- most of them don't want to think. They listen for entertainment while they're doing something else they'd rather not think about too much either.

tell it like it is,
John


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Hey Charlann

Thanks I really appreaciate it! It was a fun one to write trying not to make it too obvious and just let the story slowly develop. Thanks again for your kind words really makes my day!
Sincere Blessings
Derek

Last edited by Derek Hines; 10/12/07 10:17 AM.

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Hey John

Thanks for your honest critiquing I do truly appreaciate it. I see what your saying about the point of view but I really do enjoy keeping it mysterious in that regard. I think it's important sometimes to stretch yourself as a writer. And even if for some reason it's not commercially viable I still enjoy it as written. Also I did want to point out that I gave a bunch of answers to what it could be in the chorus as well as leaving it up to the listeners imagination. My thought is when I add all of it up is forever. But then that also makes you think lol.. Again thanks for your honest opinion it has been noted and I'll take it under consideration after I see some more replies.
Sincerely
Derek


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HiDee Bro D!

Great Hook..Tho ya prolly oughta ANSWER that Question with a bit about LOVE at the end of da Rainbow...(You really wanna satisfy as MANY Listeners as-possible IF it's a HIT you're after.)

If not, hey, Pretty Good Write already!

The "Roam" line's kinda weak..it's JMO Too-Poetic/too-hard a Rhyme.
(& maybe "Jack" insteada "John"? That "ACK" sound's More-Memorable, JMO again.)
"Kicked a cobblestone" might substitute..or some Other line that puts the Yodaspeak to rest. K-O-S

& Good Luck with it, Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

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Hi Derek,

I've read it over three times. I must be going STUPID, but I'm not getting it and I WANT to get it. Can ya' give me a clue. Knowing you, you're saying something great. Why am I not getting it...HELP

Puzzled, (or was that the intent?)

Jan

#548498 10/12/07 03:22 PM
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Derek, I'll probably develop a "reputation" for this point of view--might even be accused of harboring "artistic" tendencies--but the whole movement to explain the WHY of every little thing in perfect detail, everything sewn up and boxed tidily, strikes me as more of an opinion than a rule. Your song is CALLED "What Could It Be?" It doesn't follow that it must be answered. The song points out the question, its really ABOUT the question, not the answer.

That seems to drive a lot of people nuts, but the rules of successful songwriting don't really call for that, not judging by all the hits we still buy. I think it's really more a matter of us amateur lyric critics pointing out the most noticeable things that pop out at us, and then saying that if you DON'T answer that question, you'll never sell your song.

Really? I don't know. Maybe the answer is blowing in the wind.

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But, just a hint for everyone:

Love, life and happiness
Joy amongst the sorrows
A look at things past
Or a better tomorrow

These are all what we hope for when we feel the spark of love...but which in particular? What could it be?

Or, just give an answer: A sense of permanence and security...true love.

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Lyle, one of the reasons people point to that on these boards is that this is primarily a "country" lyric board...so the story's important....but as you say, and I agree, there's lots of music out there that does not have to have a coherent storyline.


As for this one, it's a beaut Derek...be proud.


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

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Oh man...I didn't realize that. Sorry folks! (slips away quietly)

Back to you, Derek...

But one more bit from me: this is a fine song, but I would keep chiseling away at the lines until they sing a little more comfortably...all the story and meaning is there, I think, but it feels like it needs those final mechanical tweaks that only you can do that make the words all flow "just right". Good luck with a good song!

#548647 10/13/07 01:28 AM
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Hey Amigo

I here what you are saying here. Though I think spelling it out is not what I want to do. Some country lyrics I've heard have a similar feeland I understand your point though for now I think I'll kep it this way and work on some of the littler stuff like flow. Thanks for your always honest feedback though I do appreciate it
Big Guy Hugs
Derek

Last edited by Derek Hines; 10/13/07 01:29 AM.

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Hi Janice

Sorry didn't mean to confuse you read Lyle's reply his answer is as dead on as I could manage.
Sincere Blessings Hugs
Derek


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Hi Lyle

I am glad you see it that way as well. I think spoon feeding people ideas is necessary sometimes. Though I think sometimes it's good to make em think as well. That was my idea in this one. I do know the words do still need some tweaking but overall I am pretty happy with it. Thanks for your kind words of praise and explaining it to people you did an excellent job there.
Sincere Blessings
Derek


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Yup that sums it up thanks again Lyle!
Sincere Blessings
Derek


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Thank you John

I really appreciate you praise it means a lot. Maybe I should pitch this one to Bryan Adams (would have to change it quite a bit though lol
Sincere Blessings
Derek


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Derek,

I would like to build on the "rule of vagueness". I have been hit hard with vagueness comments on one song I'm working on. I think if you are going to be vague, that it has to apply to the listener's lives. For instance, how do you see so many interpretations that people could relate this song to their everyday lives? That is why you would keep it open. I don't see that applying here. You are telling a story and it doesn't have an ending.

Here is what I read in your story.

John was out for many nights doing things he shouldn't
He is walking on a path-not a road-back home-sees something on a path.

then we go to what does he see?

then Jenny starts to load up her car and then goes on a walk on the road? John's not on the road...

then we go to what does she see?

The rest of the song is up to interpretation. Things could go well or bad. You need to tell us.

Your hint doesn't apply. This isn't a spark of love,-they already have a relationship and I want to know if it is a maker or a breaker-please tell me!

Those are my thoughts.

Take care.
Monica


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Hi Monica

Yeah I was trying that angle I have a third verse for this one about a reconilation leading to marraige but it seemed to make the song go too long. I can post it as a revision but honestly I think this one is already too long. Maybe I can pare some of it down somewhere else. I also tried to make this into a love at first site meeting thing but that seemed corny so I stayed awau from that angle. I figured the story kinda tells it self the thing forming in their eyes is tears now to me that says this is a recncilation which really puts this in the direction the chorus leads. Of course with this much explanation it might not be worth trying to keep it as is. I'll look at changing it some. Thanks for your honest critique. Just know I don't always follow the rules even when someone point em out lol
Sincerely
Derek

Last edited by Derek Hines; 10/13/07 01:02 PM.

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Keep writing what you think. You can play with length when you start singing it. change tempo. Don't put too much instrumental between verse/chorus/song. Worry about time later.

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Derek:

Interesting song (and discussion!)

I liked this one right off. My interpretation of what "it" could be is...everything mentioned. Love is complicated - that's just its nature. Maybe I missed the boat on this, but that was one of the things I really liked about this song.

I agree with Lyle about not really wanting to have everything spelled out, or have every mystery solved.

There's a concept in technical writing that being more precise makes the writing more understandable, but only up to a certain point. Really vague writing is difficult to understand, because it could taken to mean different things. But really precise writing is difficult to understand, too - think about legal documents or technical manuals which are very precise, but are not easy to read or understand. There is a "sweet spot" in writing - just the right amount of precision makes for a clear, understandable read. Maybe there is also a "sweet spot" for lyrics - just the right amount of detail makes for the most satisfying listening experience.

I know. By now, you're either gone, asleep, or you think I'm an idiot. Sorry.

Mark


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Mark

Don't be so hard on yourself buddy. Your critique was perfect just what I needed to hear. Not because it was praising my idea as much as because it shows me people do want to think about lyrics somewhat. That said I agree love is complicated and certainly these two (John & Jenny) have gone through it enough to know those things ie the chorus. Sorry I did not get back sooner I took the weekend off for the most part. Thanks for your honest critique and for standing up for lyrics that don't have to be spelled out!
Sincere Blessings
Derek

Last edited by Derek Hines; 10/16/07 08:21 AM.

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