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Hey Gang!! Seems a bit quiet around the boards these days, so thought I'd try to perk things up a bit. Having been meaning to take a step back from some of my more somber offerings of late and figured this might do the trick! Enjoy, and all comments welcome! (BTW, we need to make sure Charlann sees this one... ) xoxo, Beth Instrument of Pleasure © Lyrics 2007 Beth Williams Verse 1 Business takes you far away But we manage to stay connected By telephone, across the miles A bridge can be erected Verse 2 I set my cell to vibrate In anticipation of your call Long-distance foreplay playmate Together we’ll have a ball Chorus: I’m never alone When I’m with my phone It’s a gift I’ll always treasure No need to delay A desire to play My instrument of Pleasure Verse 3 It makes no difference where you land No matter what the time zone I just want you to understand I’ll get off too – with just a dial tone Bridge: Sure make the most of our long distance phone plan Celebrate every minute in the palm of my hand Chorus: I’m never alone When I’m with my phone It’s a gift I’ll always treasure No need to delay A desire to play My instrument of Pleasure Tag: With this ring, I thee wed With this ring, time for bed
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Hi Boo boo Great fun to read ! I like your playful one ringy dingy....that reminded me of the spoofy song "My Ding a ling" can't recall who did that one? Anyway. I have no nits on your piece, I think it's written well and timely ! jm
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Thanks JM, I had sort of a Stan moment with this one....I wrote it in about ten minutes, no kidding! I don't recall who wrote My Ding-a-ling either...though that's surely just a Google-search away....as for the ONE ringy-dingy, TWO ringy-dingy, do you remember where that's from? hee hee Anyway, glad you enjoyed it! It was MY PLEASURE !! Down but not totally out, Beth
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Hi Calvin,
Thought this one might be up your alley!
Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the Chuck Berry info...
Adios, Beth
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Hey Beth
cute, cute, cute!
wasn't the one ringy dingy, two ringy dingy, thing a Lily Tomlin skit on Saturday Night Live...
rittman
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Hey Ritt, Yes, it was Lily Tomlin, when she was the operator with the hair net...but I think it was way back in the "Laugh-In" days. She'd do a little snort in between too...Good memory! Glad you enjoyed this one...I rarely get a "cute" on my ditties!! Gotta go, the phones ringing "Hellooooooooooooo???" Another Smooth Operator , Beth
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Beth...bet you don't answer the phone right away when it's vibrating ...which is wonderfully implied in your second verse and long distance foreplay playmate Say, would you recommend Razr sharp or something a little more rounded?
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Hey Johnboy, Glad you enjoyed my little deviant ditty tonight! As for your "preference" question, I'm really not all that particular....just as long as you can push all the right buttons.... :o Need to go check my answering machine (ha ha ha).... Beth
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WHERE'S CHARLANN??? This was written partly with her in mind....the Queen of Long-Distance relationships... There's that phone again.... Beth
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Morning Boo, Hmmm, I say hmmmm, Would hardly mainstream but could probably find a "late night niche" somewhere Wy
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Oh well, it was just a wrong number... Anyway, Wyman, since when have I ever worried about the masses? :o This one is strictly for the pleasure of my fellow JPF-er's...and food for thought for any upcoming business trips... I wonder if I should've somehow included CALLER ID or CALL-WAITING or BUSY SIGNAL???? Hmmmmm....Anyone feel like playing around with it, have at it... Later! Me
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Beth,
Thanks for the fun, CUTE, read. The double entendres....very well exucuted, while at the same time, not too far over the line. Loved it!!! Got DOWN RIGHT giddy with it....
Have more fun today,
Jan
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This is fun and really good!!! I enjoyed it, didn't Lily's character have a name? I'm rackin' my brain trying to think of it.
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Beth Oh my goodness gracious girl. This one is hot like as in lightening hot. I think you may need to tone it down a bit. either that or I need to wait till I get home to read it :o . Just hope the wife is up when I get there. And I thought Calvin was the raunchy randy king . sounds like he might have some competition for the crown now :o smiling all the way home Sincerely Derek
Last edited by Derek Hines; 09/28/07 01:16 PM.
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Hey Janice, So glad you liked it...it was fun for me too -- even though it was a "quickie" to write! Have a good one, and I bet the next time your phone rings, you're going to blush!! Ciao for now, Beth
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Well Howdy Brenda!
Not sure that we've had the pleasure....but what a fun way to meet, right?
Anyhoo, after wondering myself and then stirred by your curiosity, I had to google it....Her name was ERNESTINE!! I actually went to a "Laugh-In" site, and boy, that show really was ahead of its time. The pictures of Lily Tomlin are exactly how I remembered her...
SOOOO, glad we got that settled, and thanks so much for the visit!
Ciao, Beth
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Hey Derek, See, maybe this whole song was partly inspired by your attempts to go on a sabbatical...what would we do without you?? It's funny, I thought of Calvin too....but I don't think I could KEEP UP with him in this category. This was a one-shot deal :o ! So as for toning it down, no way, man. :/ Anyway, glad I could offer you a little entertainment while you're still hanging around!! Ciao for now, Beth
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Here I am!!!
This is wonderful Beth! I'm proud to have been your inspiration! Unfortunately, I still have another month to go before seeing my sweetheart again.
FYI - I have a special ringtone just for Tracy's phone calls - "Stairway to Heaven!"
Things have been crazy. I moved 2 weeks ago & I've been teaching science for the last 3 weeks instead of doing my Title I reading work. Things are totally nuts!
Kisses to everyone!
Charlann
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Oh yippee, Charlann!!
I figured you'd be busy with the move and school and all, but I hoped that maybe a quick lurk over here might draw your eye to this number!
I have always chosen to believe that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" instead of "out of sight, out of mind"...and it seems like you two lovebirds are living proof of my belief!
I have a feeling that a lot of people are going to be getting naughty tonight -- long-distance or otherwise!!
Looking back, even, wasn't there something strangely alluring about "The Batphone" (though maybe not so much when Alfred the Butler answered it....)?
Anyway, glad Tracy's still ringing your bell!
Ciao for now, Beth
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Naughty girl.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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You think THAT'S bad? :o You should hear the options I have on my voice-mail answering service.... I even think if you press #7, someone will arrive for a "HOUSE-CALL" (or at least where it is still allowed by law!) So in other words, hee hee hee hee.... Beth :/
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AHHA! So it was all a ruse and ploy to get me back! :o It worked lol Susan was awake when I got home but I fogot all about this song and me errm feelings. about it. So I guess I'll just have to wait for the next errm inspirational moment. :o That said I've said to much lol. Thanks again for a lovely lustfull lyric (trying to say that three times fast) owww I bit my tongue :o lol Have a good one! Derek
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Hey Beth!
This'll be my morning quickie - I'm hoping to finish unpacking this weekend. I'm tired of living inside this labyrinth of cardboard! I just realized I left most of my cleaning supplies in the old apartment, so I'll have to made a trip to Wally world too - the laundryroom & kitchen are desperately in need of cleaning! Hmmm - I wonder if I could just throw some Clorox wipes on the floor and shimmy across the floor instead? i might have to try that!
Charlann
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Hi Charlann Would like to see the video of that!
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Hey Charlann, Good luck with all of your cleaning....me thinks you have found another hook in "Labyrinth of cardboard"! Lots of good stuff involved with MOVING and OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW, and all that.... In the midst of all this chaos, I do hope at least your phone is hooked up!! Happy Shimmying, Beth
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Hey Derek,
I will say it's hard for me to continue with all this raunchy banter as I look at that precious peanut in your avatar...
SOOOO, I guess I'll just shut my eyes and hope I don't make too many typos!
Either way, glad to see you're still on board... My only other caveat is to be careful when you're using the "cellphone option"...as your voices can be picked up by dispatchers, etc. who are on the same frequency. Actually, I have no idea if that's true, but it sounds like a good warning....especially if you're driving at the same time!! :o
Later, Me
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Hey Beth No need to tone it down she can't read yet lol. Sides she wouldn't have be here without some errm adult situations :o . On the scanners thing it's true I used to have one and I'd pick up phone conversations all the time although it wasn't cell phones it was those portables that everyone seems to have :O so there ya go even the one who aint got cell phones aint catchin no break. And when you think of it you kinda need a cordless phone. Could you imagine how tangled a corded one might get :O Sincerely Derek
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Hey Guys!
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but our phone calls our rather tame compared to what you're thinking. Our nightly chats mainly consist of talking about our days & a bit of surfing the net together. KK even talks to him sometimes on aol's voice chat. He makes her laugh.
But - I will have to admit that hearing his ring tone, or seeing his name on my caller id brings a huge grin to my face.
Charlann
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My dear Charlann, I must say, you do NOT know what you are missing (although, perhaps this little ditty gives you SOME idea!!!)! Actually, thinking back to YOUR last little "number" on the board, I do believe you have what it takes to put this plan into action... You simply MUST call him at work one day, when he is absolutely unable to address the matter at hand... I do hope I'm not going to be arrested for all these "Helpful Household Hints"...you're not a minor, are you Charlann? Ciao for now, Beth
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Derek, You should know by now that my mind is basically a fine-tuned spider web, waiting to catch and turn seemingly innocuous phrases into possibly lewd double entendres. Ergo, I dare not touch your remark about the need for a cordless -- with a ten foot pole! A consenting (albeit orthopedically-challenged!) adult , Beth
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BETH!!! And I can't help but comment on the razr comment. What's this with the vibrating razors they are selling now??? Vanessa
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VANESSA!! :/ :/ As to the razor business, you'll need to take that up with John...HE was the naughty boy who brought that into this otherwise tame conversation ( )!! Gotta run, there's the phone again (ha ha)! Beth
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HMMM - Now I need to ponder this... my razr died 3 weeks ago and T-Mobile send me a slider phone to replace it because they'd been getting a lot of complaints about problems with razrs. Over stimulation perhaps???
Charlann
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Good heavens, Charlann! I do declare, you could probably keep the telecommunications industry afloat SINGLE-HANDEDLY!! Did they send you a head-set to use with it in the car??? Just remember, practise, practise, practise!! Really hankering for some ice cream, but none on the premises..., Beth (P.S. As a total aside, I LOVE the word PONDER. It was actually on my daughters' spelling test list this week...I am so happy she can now use it correctly in a sentence.
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Beth, Beth, Beth. What will we do with you? There's more adult content in that song than in a Showtime Original Series. Apparently you've found your audience's happy place :o This song is a hoot, and the commentary is all well deserved praise. I've been in a funk for the last several days, and I think this is the first time I've smiled in over a week. I love your sensibility and sense of humor. Thanks for a lyric that brightened my day. Be well, Babe! Love ya.
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Beth, You called? I live about 2 1/2 miles from Chuck Berry. I also live just down the street from Theo Peoples...sang with the Four Tops and The Temptations. He's a very nice man and plays piano and sings occassionally at some of the local hangouts. But they ain't never (I know, grammarians, I know!) sung nothing like this! Thanks for the grin. And you defintley don't have a wrong number with this one. Have fun with it! Al
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Hey there Pete! Nice to see you again...it's been a while... ! Though had I known that all it would take to get you back on board was a ditty about phone $ex, I would have rung you ages ago!! I know, it is a bit on the "blue" side, but it's not overly overt, so I figured I could get away with it. It's not exactly going to make it to the "mainstream" audience, as someone posted, but at least our little family has derived some pleasure from it. APPARENTLY, it hit the right "note"! Finally, glad I was able to give you reason to smile. I'm in a bit of a pi$$y mood myself this AM, so it was very nice to see that both you and Al have revived this one for me. Have a good day, and hopefully we've cancelled out each other's funks! Cheers, Beth, Beth, Beth
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Hey Al, I tried calling, but your line was busy busy busy! Neat info about your neighbors...I'm thinking you should keep a copy of this with you at all times just in case you run into them...they may want to have a go at it! I'm also thinking about giving Ma Bell a ring...she just MIGHT want to include this as part of the Phone Owners Manual.... Ha ha ha! Ciao for now, Beth P.S. Don't worry none about how you be talkin'....I be college-educated, so I'se can unnerstand it E-Z!
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(Sound of Phone at STAN's house) Ring, Ring, Ring..... Hello? Hellooooooo??? Anybody there??? Whassup? No likey me song-y??? xoxo, Bethybooboo
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SORRY to allus be Late For The Party, Mz Beth... & What a FUN Party, I'll add, belatedly!!! I'm frankly SURPRISED there ARE So Few Phone-Sex Songs these days. This One's (Can I use the word) Decent! ;-)> Lemmie Mess Wit It, (K-O-S) whatcha can use, Kind LadyChum! Business takes you far away Tho we manage to stay connected By telephone, across the miles Our Love-Bridge gets erected Set my cel-phone on Vibrate Anticipatin' your sweet call Long-Distance foreplay playmate Together we have a ball! (CHORUS) When you're on the phone I'm never alone You're a Gift I'll always Treasure! No Need Delaying This Urge for Playing With My Instrument of Pleasure... Makes no difference where you land (Who Cares about Time Zones?) You always ARE The Man/Gal with the Plan & you Have Me..From The Dial..Tone (BRIDGE) I sure enjoy my Roll-Over Minutes 'Long as I have Your Voice In It! (REPEAT CHORUS) {Skip the Marital Stuff & GO with some Ad-Libbed "HOT Chit-Chat", I'd recommend} Great Idea...Aim for the Teenage-&-Up Kiddies, methinks. "KUDOS" & K-O-S the Sugs, O'Fragile One! Big Hugs, Ol' Stan PS: "LONG DISTANCE KISS" is at < www.CDBaby.com/TampaStan/3> It's the only Phone-Song I ever penned..Bluesy..& FAR from as much FUN as this one of yours sure IS!~
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Really cute Beth----I just saw a show with a "Sextoy" lady---and she had these underwear that the woman would wear...and the guy would have a remote control that when ever he pressed it---well, you get the picture...it was a foreplay thing...this lyric reminded me of that!!!!
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Hey Stan, I didn't mean to call you on the carpet on this one (well.... ), but if you just weren't so good at reviewing and commenting and chatterboxing, I wouldn't have been such a poopyhead about it! You see, Ampersand Man, I Respect Your Opinion! PLUS, I thought you might get a chuckle or two out of it yourself... Anyway, thanks for the sugs. I'm delighted they aren't so far off the mark from where I started and I will happily take them under advisement! (I'll have to do big fat cut and paste to get a better side-by-side look at 'em!). I'm looking forward to taking a gander at Charlann's phone song, but need to answer Herbie's comment first....As for you, Stan, I'm so glad you were able to finally stop by for a visit. I hope you found it to be worth the "call-waiting"!! Ciao for now, Beth, JPF's Resident Long-Distance Ding-a-ling,
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Hey Herbie, Thanks for the kind words...I suspect the only way to get thru to THAT particular company would be to call collect!! (Or at least that's what Wyman told me when he used to do direct marketing for them... :D) !) Forever yanking chains ( !), Beth P.S. How else do yall think I keep hurting myself (ha ha ha ha....)?
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HIDee Again, Mz Beth, & Here's yet another Bump for ya..(Hope Nothin' Breaks...heh!)
I'd LOVE to spend More Time here, critiquin'-Away..but Duty Calls, & 'til I sell da Pink Place, I am Owned by a Money-Pit. Social Security Folks today kindly-informed me the "Retirement House"..aka The New Digs..COUNTS as INcome..so I guess it'll be 3 MORE Years 'til I get Social Security Payments of ANY kind. Hopefully I'm not Bankrupt first...but we'll see..Clock Repairs have been MIGHTY Slow a-comin' and folks are even slower pickin' 'em UP when-finished.
So..I'll continue to focus on Writing The Hit Lyric...maybe then I'll be successful-enough to get some Time-Off...(We''ll See!)
Oh..I'm also segue-ing into bein' a Movie Critic...(See da Therter/Acting/Film/TV Board) in hopes of getting Allied Advertising "Credentials" so we can continue to enjoy Free Previews weekly...(WITHOUT La Femme wasting an Hour at the Tampa Trib Line for the Tix, & then we blow up to 2 hours waitin' with The Preview Crowd to get in.)
Escapism...it's What's for Daily Fare around here these days!
Happy Healin', Kind LadyChum...& Keep the Hits a-Coming (Without Breaking Anything..OK?) ;-)> Big Hugs, Stan
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Hey Stan, As of this morning, no more breaks -- except maybe for coffee! Well I must say.....while you are busy hustling from clocks to Pink Houses to La Femme, today I am leading the Life of Reilly (sp?). Finally convined hubby to get me a housecleaner...between all my medical maladies, the place has been falling apart...the dust bunnies were reproducing right in front of the kids, it's been a nightmare. So yesterday THREE WOMEN came and spent FIVE HOURS on the Initial Clean, to get the place to a good baseline. AHHHH, it still smells like chlorine and bleach and Pledge, etc. SO, I will most certainly forgive your not-necessarily-regular visits....but only if you forgive me for asking for more of your time anyway. I have no doubt that The Hit, is just around the corner for you...the way you crank those suckers out (and oh, did I mention you have a sprinkling of talent too!!??), it's just a matter of time!!! In the meantime, enjoy your day....and may all your phone calls be happy ones!! xoxo, Currently Healing Beth
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