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#543961 - 09/24/07 03:51 PM SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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HERE'S THE RE-WRITE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

SAVE HIS SOUL Copyright 2007 Janice Hopkins
(Very Up-Tempo Country)
Verse 1:

Brother Ely, a righteous, travelin' preacher
His feet seemed set in the Word
He warned of temptation; strong libation
All the while lettin' sinners be heard

verse 2:

He'd listen to their stories; tell about Glory
Always warned of the wages of sin
His firm foundation and life vocation
Was shakin' when he let Satan in


Chorus:

Soul-savin' in Reno; near a run-down casino
Temptation was there waitin' to win
A raven haired woman, lookin' for some good-bookin'
Was the devil's voice callin' to him
Fought the sea of desire, then caught fire
with a Bible-thumpin' rhythm; jumped in
He yelled,"Praise the Lord..Pass the gin."(slower)
Ely couldn't resist to Save His Soul


Verse3:

He'll have his life to remember, what he can't forget
But something good can come from anything
They prayed through the night; asking Jesus for light
Felt the peace that true repentance brings

Repeat chorus:

Soul-savin' in Reno; near a run-down casino
Temptation was there waitin' to win
A raven haired woman, lookin' for some good-bookin'
Was the devil's voice callin' to him
Fought the sea of desire, then caught fire
With a Bible-thumpin' rhythm; jumped in
He yelled, "Praise the Lord...Pass the gin."(slower)
Ely couldn't resist to save his soul


Bridge:

Seems the devil had his day there
But Jesus did all the rest
She and Ely spread the Word as one
Now Heaven's their only quest

Repeat chorus and Out:

Last edited by Janice Hopkins; 09/26/07 12:51 PM.
#544005 - 09/24/07 07:22 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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PeterJ Offline
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Hey, Janice.
Tough Topic. Good work.
I have a couple of thoughts which you can do with as you please :-)

V1 and V2 seem to jump back and forth a little. Start's out as an itinerant preacher (you and I know you mean he preached on a circuit, but will the average Joe?) Maybe revivalisit preacher or traveling preacher will make this a little more "user friendly".

Halfway into v1, you go into his method for saving sinners. that is carried halfway into v2, then back out to his need to find the sinner by finding the sin.

It may help clarify your thoughts by doing a little regrouping or giving some transitions there. This will play havoc with your rhyme scheme, so I'll understand if these thoughts get swept.

I wish I knew the woman a little better that could cause Brother Ely to stray from the path of righteousness (Pass the Gin??? This wasn't about love or romance. This was about a PARTY!) What kind of sway did she hold? Perhaps it was a guise that was given to her by Satan to trick poor Brother Ely, but even so, I'd like to know what it was that was so powerful. And if this was all the Devil's doing, why was he gunning for poor Brother Ely?

I know they are on the road to atonement (another tough word, but you've already used repentance, so I don't have any alt's to suggest)but is he still a preacher? Did they get married?

I really like what this song offers, but it has created so many questions for me that I'm not sure they can all be answered in a single song (gonna need a song about why the Devil hates Brother Ely, another song about the Raven Haired Beauty, and a song about pennance) but then again, you're pretty adroit in your communications, you can probably address all of these and still have room for a hallelujah chorus at the end.

Great Start. I look forward to watching this one grow.


If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#544043 - 09/24/07 09:13 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: PeterJ]  
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Hey Pete,

Thanks for looking this over. It's the best critique I've had so far. LOL (seems to be the ONLY one so far) I appreciate your very helpful comments. They all made sense and I'll be addressing them. (HELLO....comments)

As far as the questions they left in your head I'll wait a bit and see what the consensus is.

Did they get married? Does everything have to have an unhappy ending?LOL

Is he still a preacher? Heck yeah! He just has a little more offering on his plate.

Did the devil single him out? Heck yeah! He knows an easy touch when he sees one.

Will she write the fabled story of the raven haired beauty?
Heck yeah? Why wouldn't I?

As far as the Hallelujah Chorus; I think HANDEL HANDLED that pretty well already with few nits from me.

I used many preachers that I hear about as the inspiration for this one. You know, the self-righteous, judgmental ones who are great at telling others how they should live their lives,but can't seem to run very close to the straight and narrow in their own. Anyway, it was great fun and my stab at a Diamond Rio type song.

Thanks for saying I am adroit at communication. I've heard that before....not always in a GOOD way.

Thanks a million, Pete. I'm thankful for the help. You gave me a laugh tonite too with the way you expressed yourself. My husband read it and cracked up too. By the way, he loves the lyrics. Good thing I'm not into women's soccer instead of writing, then he'd be my athletic supporter.(I've gotta quit while I'm ahead). Have a great night.....

Your northern friend,

Jan






#544072 - 09/24/07 10:51 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Janice,

Sort of reminds me of a modern day updating of the story of the prophet who married the hooker in the book of Hosea in the Bible. Strange where love (or sometimes nothing more than lust, or a mixture of the two) strikes, isn't it?

The chorus on this is rather lengthy compared with the verses. Do you have it set for music yet?

Keep writing.

Pastor Skip Johnson

#544078 - 09/24/07 11:22 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Skip Johnson]  
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Hi Pastor Johnson,

Thanks for giving this a read. Yes, I knew you were a pastor from your profile. I'd have to agree with you about the chorus being lengthy,but sometimes it takes me a long time to express my self, sort of like those long sermons. LOL With all due respect, I have met many more pastors that I was glad to call friends than not. You know we writers are always looking for a hook. My husband of fory-three years was standing over my shoulder reading your reply and said, Pastor! OOPS! Remember one thing....writers write.....that's just what we do. Give me a subject; I'll write about it. I'll show you both sides of the coin; sort of like a debate team. Thanks so much for the time you've given my work tonite. I really do appreciate it.
No music yet. Any ideas? (I'm not a musician).

Sincerely'

Jan

#544179 - 09/25/07 09:03 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Anyone for comments on this one? Thanks, Jan

#544183 - 09/25/07 09:21 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Hi Janice

hmm Kinda reminds my of the Album version of Travis Tritt's Bible belt. I like the general concept most I can't flaw. Though I do agree with peter How'd ole End up so easily tempted. Also I feel he fell too quickly us fully realizing whathappened. Did the make a Satan Sandwhich? did he just start driking to drink? Is he still devout or has he chosen a life full of debauchery? to many question left unanswered. Great job otherwise
Sincerly
Derek


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#544188 - 09/25/07 09:44 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Derek,

I think one thing that people are missing is that we are all fallible and can easily fall. I am frankly quite surprised that so many people are full willing to set a man of the cloth apart, thinking that armor he wears may somehow make him better than others and not able to fall into satan's clutches. I guess the longer you live, you learn that good people can go wrong. The sin may not be in the going wrong but in the lack of an attempt to atone for it. JMO. But, that said, I'll look it over and see what I can do to wrap this in a prettier package so that it doesn't burst so many people's bubble.LOL. Actually, Brother Ely is as good of a man as ever, just a flawed man like all the rest of us. The fact that he's a preacher doesn't make him better, just makes him real. Don't think God wants pristine servants, just those that can come back to Him when they mess up. Again, JMO.

Have a good day,

Jan

#544204 - 09/25/07 10:26 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Janice

you are absolutely correct. No one is perfect except for God. Amd many times Satan will directly target those doing the most god for God's Kingdom. So Ely would be the perfect target. Though some more story might still help to reveal how he slid. Though maybe it's not necessary. Good write at any rate
Hugs
Derek


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#544220 - 09/25/07 10:58 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Derek,

I'll definitely be expanding on poor Brother Ely's demise. I could get him in alot of hot water. But, with the grace of God, he'll climb out of sin's cauldron.

Love to you,

Jan

#544298 - 09/25/07 03:58 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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PeterJ Offline
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Good Morning, Jan,
I admit that, like Derek, my mind did turn to Bible Belt by Travis Tritt when I read this, but that didn't detract from my enjoyment of your lyric and story.

I like the way this thread has developed. I couldn't agree more that even men of the cloth are subject to the human condition, and I like Derek's point that Satan takes aim at God's strongest instruments. If Brother Ely is an easy mark it doesn't come through. Up until he meets his raven-haired beauty, he's a pillar of faith. It's good to know that he was able to come to terms with his own failings without abandoning his commitment to serve. perhaps that'll be a little more strongly emphasized if you choose to do a rewrite.

Great Thread. Great Topic. Great Song.




If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#544308 - 09/25/07 04:33 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: PeterJ]  
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Hi Pete,

I sent this already but, I don't know where it went, so here goes again. Thanks so much for your understanding and for the encouraging words. I appreciate the time you've given it.

I will be re-writing this some to try to reflect the possible lapses that Brother Ely may have been going through that led to his temporary downfall. But, remember, it WAS meant to be humorous too (I can find it anywhere, even in our human failings, ESPECIALLY in our human failings) It's not in the failings that we fall so hard; rather it's our lack of attempt to climb back out of the depths we frequently plunge. IF on our way up or OUT, we can bring someone along with us; all the better.

Brother Ely will be okay when all is said and done. We all will.

Your friend,

Jan

#544524 - 09/26/07 12:54 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Here's my re-write...Tell me what Ya' think.

Thanks,

Jan

#545056 - 09/28/07 09:33 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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(spoken like Pauli Shore) Hey Janice! likin the rewrite

Very cool turnaround. I am liking this one it stills espouses the idea the no one is perfect. Though it also gives some hope that even in imperfection there is z possibility of glory. Kudos on the rewrite good job
Blessings
Derek


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#545067 - 09/28/07 10:20 AM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Hey Derek,

Thanks for giving this a read. I'm glad you think that it's improved. Hope things are going well for you. Glad you're still here to talk to. Get all renewed and come back in awhile and hit us with your GOLD......

Love ya'

Jan

#545094 - 09/28/07 12:20 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Hey Janice

I'm always here. Oh wait except on weekends lol. Yes I think this one is doing quite well thank you very much. As far as gold goes? I'll work on silver first then gold then who know maybe platinum? lol
Blessings and Love
Derek


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#545104 - 09/28/07 12:47 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Yeah,

Two shows a night, dark on Mondays. Save your applause til' the end............I will see you at the CMA's ( Hope we're not up against each other) LOL. Wouldn't that be a HOOT! Maybe, I'll be new country newcomer....They better get the camera angle just right..LOL.

Love,

Jan

#545169 - 09/28/07 05:29 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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South OrangeCounty, California...
Jan,
I just took a look at your re-write. I think you did a Great Job! I love what you did with v3 and I really like the fact that we have resolution to the crisis.

Besides. I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Well done!


If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#545200 - 09/28/07 08:13 PM Re: SAVE HIS SOUL-REWRITE [Re: PeterJ]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Hi Pete,

Thanks so much for the kind words. I sure tried ta' make ya' happy....LOL. I always appreciate all of your suggs and help. You always make valid points, but in a helpful, kind way. Like Ya' lots for that. Can't learn much through brow-beating, huh?
Thanks my friend....

Have a nice evening,

Jan


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