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#543686 - 09/23/07 02:54 PM Fool in Love  
Joined: Oct 2002
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Please critique.


Fool in Love

If I promise you the rainbow
Arched against a misty sky...
If I swear I'll weave the moonbeams
Into a veil for you tonight...
If I paint the sunset for you,
Dip my brush in shining gold...
Then you'll know I'm a fool in love,
You're the treasure I would hold.

Spead my arms, soar like the eagle
Through cool cloud lands far above.
Search each mountain and each valley,
Till I find the one I love.

If I claim the ocean's mystery
Can't compare with your blue eyes...
If I whisper rubies rare
Pale beside the lips I prize...
If to me you perfume's fragrance
Shames the petals of the rose...
Then you'll know I'm a fool in love,
Its for you this song's composed.

Rivers run down emerald valleys,
So my heart draws me to you.
Blossoms dance in sprintime meadows,
Like a love that's blooming new.

If I name each new star for you
When we stroll the ocean's strand...
If for me mere sea-washed pebbles
Blaze like diamonds in your hand...
If I find in you the one flame
That can keep me from the cold...
Then you'll know I'm a fool in love.
You're the treasure I would hold.
Then you'll know I'm a fool in love,
You're my silver and my gold.

c2007 Skip Johnson


Note: This lyric was written partly for my dear wife, Judi. (Twenty-seven years, and counting.) Artistically, it was also an experiment to see if I could lyrically match a certain very nice, though sort of breezy chord progression I've been tinkering with for the past few months. Certain chords and melodies have certain feels that require a matching lyric to work.

This seems a rather old fashioned romantic piece lyrically, but the chord progression has more of the feel of the old Bread song "If".

Last edited by Skip Johnson; 09/26/07 01:00 PM.
#544020 - 09/24/07 09:02 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
PeterJ Offline
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PeterJ  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 204
South OrangeCounty, California...
Skip.
I've been finding a lot of beautiful poetry today, and your lyric is among them. Very smooth, very romantic. interesting simile "Rivers run down emerald valeys, so my heart draws me to you" That's cool.

Couple of personal thoughts (keep or sweep, of course) you've painted her a sunset by dipping your brush in crimson gold. I'm not sure that's a color. maybe crimson tipped with gold or wrapped in gold or something like that.

second and final thought is about the 2nd stanza (first climb?) this one confuses a little. Cool Cloud lands above? (I think you're trying to talk about the cool clouds above the land, but that's not how it's coming across to me. More imnportantly, this section is the only one that is out of time with the rest. The balance of the song is about a love already found, so this line "til I find the one I love" sticks out as being incongruous.

I like the soft feel of the lyric and the smooth flow (okay..sea-tossed pebbles doesn't exactly flow, but the point is so good, I grant your artistic license on that one :-). This feels like something I could listen to again and again.

Very Nice.


If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?

Pete
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=734566
http://cwmusicpf.zoomshare.com/
#544045 - 09/24/07 10:16 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: PeterJ]  
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Peter,

I'll take a look on a rewrite. This is fresh enough ink it can be changed without too much distress. My major fault with this lyric is the "Fool in Love" hook phrase. Wish I had something better there.

Thanks for the look.

Skip

#544059 - 09/24/07 11:29 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
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Posts: 8,318
Tricia Baker Offline
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Tricia Baker  Offline
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Greenwood, LA USA
Hi, Skip. I would have said shining gold or polished gold. I love the word crimson, though. I don't think I've ever written a lyric with that word in it. This is very romantic. Good job.


"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
#544063 - 09/24/07 11:38 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Tricia Baker]  
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Tricia,

I could do that. If I do, I may need to change the third line from the end of the song. A little bit of gold goes a long ways. Don't want to use the same image, or wording too often in a piece--unless its a part of the structure of the lyric and the repetition provides framework or a hook line.

Thanks for the look. Think I'll go back and tinker some more. The reference to gold would be in the first and last positions in the lyric. Maybe that's enough space between so they don't begin repeating themselves.

Skip

Last edited by Skip Johnson; 09/24/07 11:44 PM.
#544070 - 09/24/07 11:49 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Michigan
Skip,

This is old-fashioned yes, but oh, so beautiful. What a wife you must have to inspire you to write such words.

The only stumbles I had are the same ones that Pete had, but it sounds like you are addressing them. Just lovely. I hear strings and violins for sure.

Have a nice night,

Jan

#544074 - 09/24/07 11:56 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Janice,

Yep, Judi's definately a keeper. Glad she hasn't thrown me back! I love her like my next breath.

Skip

#544105 - 09/25/07 01:48 AM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
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Lynn Orloff Offline
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Lynn Orloff  Offline
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PA of the great USA
Hi Skip,

Very nice tribute for your wife. Lots of beautiful imagery. I just wanted to tell you so you wouldn't think I was copying your hook that I have a song I wrote (kind of has a retro oldie feel) w/both melody and lyric called "I'm Just A Fool Whose In Love". I just didn't want you to think I stole your idea. My lyrics are totally different. Congratulations on a lovely lyric and a beautiful marriage!

Best,
Lynn


My Music at Soundclick
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=788266

~call it a blessing or call it a curse, but I see all of life in verse~

Always open to collaborations smile

God Bless Our Military!!!
#544244 - 09/25/07 01:23 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
G'Mornin' Skipper!

This must be "Romantic WEEK" around the Globe...(I just reviewed "FEAST OF LOVE" last night..w/Morgan Freeman...VERY Romantic Flick..see it when ya can!)

This Romantic Song was SO Romantic I've narry a nit...even if something WAS hopelessly-wrong in here, you'd get away with it because the LOVE really shines on Through here..strongly-enough to rinse-away whatever-might-bug-a-critic on a bad-day..heh!

"KUDOS" Amigo, & hope ya pen Tons-More like this'n'!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan


#544249 - 09/25/07 01:35 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: ]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,582
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Posts: 10,582
Yup, Peter picked up my stumble, so methinks you're going to want to do something there...

Otherwise a real nice tribute to Judy. Hope she's feeling better. I understand from reading another thread she's had a rough go of it ... but that's she's recovering...


Ciao


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

iAccountant --- Info L inc --- Taxboard
#544280 - 09/25/07 03:56 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Richard G Blum (D) Offline
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Richard G Blum (D)  Offline
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Posts: 10,690
Bronx, NY, United States
Hi Skip

extremely romantic! Addressing your issue with your hook, and extending your meter out a bit, while keeping in line with the "Sky" theme I offer you this...

If I promise you the rainbow
Arched against a misty sky...
If I swear I'll weave the moonbeams
Into a veil for you tonight...
If I paint the sunset for you,
Dip my brush in shining gold...
Then you'll know I'm a fool in love,
You're the treasure I would hold.

If I promise you the rainbow
Arched against a misty sky...
If I swear I'll weave the moonbeams
Into a veil for you tonight...
If I paint the sunset for you,
Dip my brush in shining gold...
If, I've drawn the horizon of love
The very breath of you, I would be holding.

rittman


#544381 - 09/25/07 10:42 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Richard G Blum (D)]  
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Ritt,

That last line does provide an alternative to the "Fool in Love" hook, and an interesting twist on an end line rhyme with it falling on the stressed syllable of a feminine rhyme rather than on the single syllable of a masculine rhyme (hold/holding). Still sounds a bit yoda-speak so far as word structure in the phrasing goes, however.

I'd like to finish this one off so it sounds finished. The "Fool in Love" bit does work. It just sounds a little threadbare as a phrase, to my ear. At the very place the lyric should sparkle, its just a bit dull, to my ear.

Judi was helping me with the meldoy on this last night. I'm working on longer phrases that take in both of the half lines for each "If..." phrase--which allows me to keep the same chord structure, but moves this from its previous 4/4 rhythm to a 3/4 one. The music on this is generally in order, but still being finished up.

Skip

#544399 - 09/25/07 11:48 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Skip Johnson]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 104
greg norris Offline
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greg norris  Offline
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Posts: 104
gladstone mo. clay
i think we all write whats in our hearts . i think you wrote well whats in yours . wish i could do that. i can play any chord any time i want , play it well ... but untill it's played in a song ...it's just a chord . good write

#544447 - 09/26/07 06:23 AM Re: Fool in Love [Re: greg norris]  
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi Skip,

Liked it all, except I also stumbled on this part....


Through cool cloud lands far above

But overall--very nicely done.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#544788 - 09/27/07 12:23 PM Re: Fool in Love [Re: Calvin]  
Joined: Oct 2002
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Skip Johnson Offline
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Skip Johnson  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Stoneham (Boston), U.S.A
Thanks for the kind words, Greg.

Calvin, I'll take another look at that line.

Skip

P.S. I'll be away for the next couple weeks operating our church's health van ministry at Topsfield Fair in Massachusetts. It is the longest continuously running fair in America, and pretty much every other fair I've ever seen looks very much like the prototype. This year they've moved us from our booth where we've been for the past 20 years. They were going to make us share a booth with the fire deparment over in the 4H building, which would have been unworkable. Too small a space. I suggested they allow us to bring in our 30 foot mobile unit instead. So this year we're along side the 4H building next to the Racing Pigs on the way to Kiddie Land. Last year we processed over 1,000 people through our health screenings. We'll see how the new location works this year.



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